Welcome to IVF This, episode 101- People Pleasing

Hello, hello, hello, my beautiful friends. Welcome to the first podcast of 2023. Well, I guess the first *new* podcast of 2023. We’ve done some re-releases the past few weeks, as you may have noticed. But we’re ready to kick into gear for 2023 and I’m really excited to get started and to share some new content and continue to provide help and support so that everyone going through infertility and IVF can find that there is another way of doing this journey- a way that doesn’t include beating yourself up, blaming, self-judgement, and just all of the suffering that we experience during this journey. Now, that’s not to say that we won’t experience pain. Pain is the cost of being human. Everyone will experience pain in their lives. What we’re shooting for is eliminating the suffering. The added player of pain that we inflict upon ourselves, thereby making this process a little bit easier. 

So in the spirit of that, I am asking a favor. Most of us belong to some sort of IVF or infertility FB group or other forum. Many of us know other people that are going through this, as well. So my ask is that you share this podcast with just ONE person, it doesn’t have to be this specific episode. If there was one that really resonated for you, share that one. But share it with ONE person, one post in a FB group, share with someone on IG or TikTok, share it with your doctors office- Just a quick, “Hey, I found this podcast, and it was really helpful so I wanted to share it with you and I hope it helps.” 

Word of mouth has fed this podcast to where it is now. We are on the heels of 100K downloads- which is insane to think about. So let’s keep going!! And I will be forever grateful for sharing.

Ok, so let’s get into people pleasing. So, people pleasing, there’s a couple of things to remember. First is that people pleasing is an aspect of perfectionism. Before the holiday break I recorded several episodes pertaining to perfectionism and how many of the things that we do in pursuit of “perfection” work against us in so many awful ways- and people pleasing is one of them. The second to note is that for some, people pleasing can be a trauma response. Understanding that we don’t want to unnecessarily pathologize EVERYONE’s behavior as a trauma response, because that’s not really how it works, but people pleasing CAN be a trauma response. It is referred to as “fawn”- so most people know about fight or flight, and a lot know about freeze, but Fawn (or people pleasing) is a fourth umbrella term for a trauma response. 

So, let’s talk about what people pleasing is- according to la dictionary, A People pleaser is a persona who has an emotional need to please others, often at the expense of his or her own desires.” Most people, like everything else in life, can have aspects of people pleasing and others are Grade-A, 100% all in people pleasers- right? It’s a continuum. 

There is a normal and natural desire of humans to be liked, or at least positively regarded. Where that can get tricky for us, is when that need supersedes our own needs. People, especially women, or those socialized to be women, are raised with this unspoken contract that values, highly values, paying attention to other people’s needs and feelings. We are taught that our job, our existence is to be small and compliant and to make everyone else comfortable. We are taught to go along, taught to not make waves.  So, because we are conditioned this way, many of us fall into this trap of diving so deeply into that idea of being “in-tune” with others needs that we subconsciously decide that everyone else’s needs are more important or more pressing than our own. When we are focusing, so much, on pleasing other people, we don’t (usually) do things that are pleasing to ourselves. Instead of trying to lean into ourselves, or even learn about ourselves, and attracting people that resonate with that and actually like us, we tend to worry most about the opinions of the people that aren’t really all that interested in knowing us, or understanding us. Women who speak out or stand in opposition, are often labeled as bitchy or aggressive- and if you’re a member of a marginalized group like black women, indigenous women, or other women of color, that label is amplified based on whatever labels or tropes that are associated with your race or ethnicity. 

Another way to think about people pleasing, I heard this from another coach, and I cannot remember who it is but suffice to say this is not my original definition but people pleasing is a pattern of thinking and behaviors that prioritizes other people’s needs above your own. 

So it’s like people pleasing should be rebranded to “Pleasing, or trying to please, literally anyone else BUT you.” That one doesn’t really roll off the tongue but that’s what it is. But if you think about it, in any given scenario, when you are in people pleasing mode, someone is likely to be pleased but it is almost certainly not you. 

So, if we were to put this into the context of infertility, I think the most common thing that comes up is that stupid comments that people make to us. Now, I’m classifying them as “stupid” because they are often invasive, insensitive, off-color, off-putting, and sometimes downright judgmental or cruel- or at least that’s how it can feel to us in that moment. Now, I have a philosophy that I try to not interpret other people’s actions or words as inherently negative, but some can be intentionally hurtful or just the persona’s carelessness with their words can be hurtful. Either way, maybe you’re sharing with someone some of the challenges you’re experiencing during your journey. Maybe its that you’re trying to conceive spontaneously, or you’re doing a fertility treatment cycle or something like that, and the person responds with “you should just relax” or something equally condescending or asinine. I think most of us WANT to say something. And it doesn’t even have to be something rude or sarcastic, even if it’s something like, “I know what you’re saying is coming from a good place, but that phrase is so overused and it is ultimately very invalidating for a situation that is experienced by millions of couples around the world.” 

Now, most of us will NOT say anything. Even when we desperately want to, we don’t take that moment to call that person in and provide education on why what they’re saying is hurtful- or even snap back at them for an insensitive comment. We do this in part, whether it be consciously or unconsciously, because we don’t want the other person to feel uncomfortable. This is a form of people pleasing. We are overvaluing that individuals comfort, and undervaluing our own. I cannot tell you how many times people would say things to me, especially those first few years into our journey, where I wanted to say something with every fiber of my being, but I didn’t want to make the interaction awkward. But I, every time, without fail, felt awkward. Sometimes I would even feel frustrated with myself for NOT taking the opportunity to call that person in and try to explain why asking questions or making comments about someone else’s reproductive status is invasive and inappropriate and can be hurtful if you’re not aware of what’s going on with them. So, it’s prioritizing someone else’s comfort over your own.

Now, I will say that there are situations wherein it makes sense to kind of keep quiet and go along, specifically I’m talking about when our physical safety might be at risk. But those situations are considerably infrequent when we take not consideration all of the thousand other scenarios where our physical safety is NOT at risk; but rather what is at risk is someone else’s perception of you is at risk. Someone else’s comfort. 

Another example, and this came from a client I was recently working with; one of the things we were talking about is how she did not really have a whole lot of confidence in her clinic. She really liked her dr, she had a lot of faith in her dr, however, the clinic from nursing to the business office, and their follow through, their, what in healthcare we call continuity of care, was less than desirable. She felt like she really had to be the one to chase down appt scheduling or to remind the business office to run her insurance and a lot of other things. And, at first, she didn’t think it was a problem. She kind of thought of it as “advocating” for herself- which is vital in healthcare. However, the trend never corrected itself and she began to feel very resentful and frustrated and that frustration was starting to spill over to her dr, and really influencing the way that she saw her dr and the organization as a whole. So when we started to really investigate what was going on she started talking about how she knew she “needed” to say something to her Dr but she didn’t want to upset her dr. She didn’t want to get anyone in trouble. Not yet seeing that by not addressing the issue she was creating undue stress and burden on herself since she was working FT and kind of managing the logistics of her own IVF care.

And you might be thinking, well that’s obviously that she should have spoken out, but I guarantee you when you’re IN that situation, and all of the competing thoughts and feelings and all the discomfort associated with what was happening, it can be very challenging to see the overall picture and get lost in this people pleasing mode. And actually after we spoke, she wrote an email to her RE, her reproductive endocrinologist, and actually that clinic started to really look at their processes and procedures and just by that one email my clients overall patient experience improved, and I like to think, that other patients experienced an improvement as well. But the thing that kept her from doing this for so long, was this desire to not make waves, to not upset people- which is 1000% people pleasing. This idea of “going along” is very specific to women’s social conditioning. How many of you have been somewhere, maybe it’s a drs appt since we’re on this subject, and the dr proposes something and you have some hesitation, or at least some questions that you would like answered, but you just go along, rather that speaking up? It’s incredibly common. 

So, that’s what people pleasing is and a couple of examples about how it can come up for you specific to infertility and IVF. But you know I’m not going to leave you hanging without something to DO to help yourself. 

I want you to think of people pleasing, and the social conditioning that we experience as a collection of thoughts that we have about ourselves, about other people, etc. This collection of thoughts, maybe its “I don’t want to upset anyone” or “it’s not worth it to bring it up” those are thoughts that create that feeling of discomfort, which lead you to either take the opposite action from what you might want to do, or take no action at all. 

And people pleasing can be so ingrained for us that we don’t even recognize the thoughts associated with it, we just feel this general sense of anxiety or unease when faced with something and then we make decisions just based on that emotion, without even realizing there was a thought behind it. 

Now, for the twist. 

You cannot control another persons thoughts, no matter what you do. So you spend so much time and energy trying to control how other people think and feel about you, but you have no control. It’s a huge mental and emotional time suck for us. Us trying to control another persons perception of you. Because what causes feelings? Thoughts.

What causes your feelings? Your thoughts. What causes someone else’s feelings? Their thoughts. Our thoughts are like an amalgamation of our conditioning, socialization, raising, education, belief systems, and so much more. So there’s no possible way that you can account for how someone ELSE is going to think and feel. 

What you can guarantee is that when you prioritize other people’s comfort, over your own, if that you will not make decisions or take actions based on what it is that YOU want and need and based on your own best interests. So that’s the guarantee. 

You cannot guarantee that by people pleasing, people will actually be pleased with you. But what you can guarantee is that you will likely not be pleased with you; that you are not acting in your own best interest. So you are trading the certainty of having your own back and knowing that you’re making the best decision for you. For the possibility of potentially, maybe pleasing someone else. 

The way out of people p[leasing is to 1) become aware of how often you are confronted with these uncomfortable feelings that compel you to seek the comfort of other people over yourself. And 2) to begin looking at your thinking, what are the thoughts that are behind your instinct to turn away form yourself in the interest of someone else’s comfort?

I want you to really interrogate the idea that someone else’s beliefs and opinions are more important than your own. Now some people might immediately say, “well, they’re not,” which is true but it’s also a logical answer. But people pleasing isn’t based in logic. It’s based in emotion. It’s the desire to make other people comfortable. So, spend some time really trying to think about it. 

I’m going to give you some journal prompts to help when you are writing about this:

·         Describe a situation where you people pleased as you might to a friend or therapist. What happened? Why did you act in opposition to what you wanted?

·         Do I feel a need arising for me in this situation? What is it? Name it as simply as possible.

·         Am I expecting another person to meet this need for me? Why and how?

·         Am I trying to  read another person’s mind, or hoping they will read mine? How so?

·         What is absolutely true about this situation: could be proved in a court of law, not your opinion. Facts, numbers, times, words said.

·         What are 3–5 thoughts I am thinking or sentences in my head that are swirling around about this situation?

·         What emotions do those thoughts cause in my body? Describe the physical sensation.

·         When I think these thoughts and feel these feelings, what comes of them?

·         What am I afraid of happening if I ask for what I need or want?

·         Where might this fear stem from?

·         How can I release this other person from being the one I expect to meet this need?

·         What are 3 ways I can meet this need myself?

Now please remember that these are more generic questions and you can tailor them as you need to, but my hope is that you can find some clarity around how and when you people please and how you can begin to prioritize YOU. In the smallest ways and the bigger ways. 

An I ALWAYS want you to prioritize yourself- not necessarily at the expense of someone else- that’s not the goal. But the idea of prioritizing you so that you can support others, you work, community, whatever it is that you are wanting to support. 

That is my hope for each and every one of you. That’s is what I have for you today. I hope you enjoyed it and can get something out of this. And I will talk to you again, soon.