Welcome to IVF. This, episode 102, Infertility fears

Hello, hello, hello, my beautiful friends. 

I hope you’re all doing so, so well today. 

Today we are going to be talking about fear. 

Because you know I love those fun and lighthearted topics. But in all seriousness, I think that this topic is so important to cover because 1) it will help to normalize the experience of fear for those of us experiencing infertility, and 2) I think there’s a fundamental misunderstanding around fear that I think creating more understanding around, might just change some of ya’ll’s experience of fear as an emotion- and if that sounds a little confusing, I promise that I will explain it more when we get to that part. 

So for the first bit, I want to talk about some common fears that I have either had or that my clients have expressed to me. Then I want to touch on what fear is, and what fear is not, and then I’ve got an amazing quote about fear, that I want to share with you all. 

So let’s dive into some common fears around infertility. This is by no means an exhaustive list, so if something that you have some fear around is not listed, it doesn’t mean anything other than, it wasn’t included in this list. It doesn’t mean it’s irrational to fear whatever it is, or that it’s not normal to feel fear over it. I assure you, whatever it is, it's normal, rational, and valid. Ok?

So, here we go:

I won’t ever get pregnant (or pregnant again).

I won’t be able to carry a baby to term.

I won’t be able to emotionally handle a loss.

Time is running out. 

I have PCOS or endo (or any other potential medical diagnosis that could affect pregnancy) and 

Because of that, I won’t be able to conceive. 

I don’t think I can handle IVF (or another round of IVF).

How are we going to afford IVF?

What if I never become a mom?

What if my partner leaves me because I can’t give them a baby?

What if I react badly to the medication? Like I am super angry or not able to function. 

What if the side effects make things worse?

What if they find something during my next ultrasound?

What if I go to my ultrasound and they don’t see anything?

What if infertility forever damages my relationship with my partner? What if it drives us apart?

What if I cannot bring myself to give myself or to get daily injections?

What if I missed my chance to have a family?

What if I never have a chance to have a family?

What if my body doesn’t react to the stims?

What if, during the egg collection, we find out I ovulated early?

What if no one of the eggs fertilize? Or develop? 

What if the chromosomal testing comes back and nothing is viable?

What if the embryo transfer is unsuccessful?

What if the doctor tells me, “I’m sorry, there’s nothing more that we can do?”

What if we do all of the things, spend all of the money, and we get nothing out of it?

What if, during the transfer, the embryologist trips and falls while carrying the tiny pipette containing my embryo?

I mean, I could go on and on, but in the interest of time, I think you all get the idea. 

I think that MOST of us can relate to at least one of these. Hell, maybe you’ve even lived the reality of one of these. 

But each and every one of these things can pretty much be boiled down to “I want this thing, so desperately, and I’m scared I might not get it. And I’m scared of what my life might look like, if I don’t get it.” I think one of the biggest reckonings that we face with infertility is reimagining what our lives might look like, without this thing that we desire most. And very often that prospect is terrifying. 

So, let’s talk about fear. I love the way Wikipedia outlines fear:

Fear is a feeling induced by perceived danger or threat that occurs in certain types of organisms, which causes a change in metabolic and organ functions and ultimately a change in behavior such as fleeing, hiding, or freezing from perceived traumatic events. . . In humans and animals, fear is modulated by the process of cognition and learning. . . The fear response serves survival by generating appropriate behavioral responses, so it has been preserved throughout evolution.

What’s really fascinating about fear is that it’s one of our most primitive emotions. Fear is composed of two primary reactions to whatever perceived threat- either physical threat or emotional threat- your brain interprets them the same. So, the first part of the reaction is the bio/chemical reaction. This is when your brain senses that threat or that danger and the chemical reaction of your adrenal gland releasing adrenalin and cortisol. This chemical release lasts for about 90 seconds. And when I say all of this happens instantaneously, I mean it happens instantaneously. You cannot control it. It is a mechanism of survival in the truest sense. And you want that to happen.

 So imagine we were living thousands of years ago, and some sort of external threat came upon us, like a large animal or something. The flood of Adrenaline makes your heart beat faster, and your lungs breathe more efficiently. It causes the blood vessels to send more blood to the brain and muscles, increases your blood pressure, makes your brain more alert, and raises sugar levels in the blood to give you energy. Your pupils grow larger, and you sweat. These bio/chemical responses are designed to help you get to safety, run, or fight. We don’t want our brains to not perceive threats- and I really want you to keep that in mind that we WANT our brains to do this. This is also, interestingly, a similar biochemical reaction when we are really excited about something. 

Now the other primary reaction to fear is our emotional reaction, which unlike the biochemical, which you can pretty much guarantee is going to happen, to some degree, a person's emotional response to fear is very subjective. Like  said a second ago, fear and excitement have a similar chemical reaction in our bodies, so sometimes fear can feel fun. Maybe you’re watching scary movie, going to a haunted house during Halloween or, going to the top of a very high building (not somewhere you would ever find me, but that’s ok). Feeling fear under certain circumstances can be seen, and thought to be fun. And THAT’S what I want to talk about. 

If you’ve listened to the podcast for any length of time, you have heard me talk about how I believe that our thoughts are just neutral. They are sentences in our brains. Similar to a writer, writing a book. They are just words that we are using to describe our experience of something. They are neither good nor bad. However, it is when we have HAD a thought, that’s when we assign a value judgement or a moral judgement on that thought. “Oh that’s a great thought, it feels good.” Or, “That’s a terrible thing to think.” Neither is true about the thought itself, it’s just what you’re deciding the thought means. It’s the same thing with our feelings. 

Our feelings, or emotions, however you like to name them, are neither good nor bad. They’re just what we are feeling. We assign them as “good” or “bad”, usually based on how they feel in our bodies. For instance, 

Grief is an incredibly powerful and uncomfortable emotion for us to experience, so we often label it as “bad.”

Joy, often feels amazing, so we label that as a “good” emotion. But to complicate things, there are some of us that don’t feel comfortable feeling happiness, or joy. Those emotions might feel dangerous to us, based on previous lived experience. So, all this to say, emotions are completely neutral. 

When it comes to fear, because there are so many sensations that occur when we experience fear, it is often labeled as “bad” when we are experiencing it, what I would call involuntary. What I mean is, when we are voluntarily putting ourselves in a situation where fear can be induced (think scary movie, or something) we interpret it as good, or at least neutral, like it was expected. 

When we experience them involuntarily, say when one of those thoughts that I used at the opening of this episode, pops into our heads and the same chemical reaction occurs as would if we were begin chased by something, we label fear as “bad.” We resist it, we argue with it, we try to rationalize our way out of it, because it feels so uncomfortable. But it was the label that we assigned to that feeling, not the feeling itself. 

For most of us, fear is seen as this stop sign. “Turn around, do not proceed” kind of a thing. But that’s not now, nor has it ever been the purpose of fear. Fear is much more of a “caution” sign. A way for your brain to say, “hey, there’s maybe danger up ahead. I’m trying to take care of you. So I want you to proceed with caution.” It is, I like to think, a way at the most primitive level that your body and your brain have your back. It’s an “I gotchu” moment. 

I’m gonna share a lengthy quote from Elizabeth Gilbert’s book, Big Magic. You’re probably familiar with her, as she wrote Eat, Pray, Love but Big Magic was more about living a life of creativity and how challenging it can be to put your work, your mind out into the world. Now, the reason that I love this passage so much, is because it REALLY helped me to reframe my relationship with fear, and I think it might help you too. 

To start, Ms. Gilbert describes her previously contentious relationship with fear. But, as she started to explore her fear, she developed an almost maternal relationship with her fear. As a caregiver, as a friend. She talks about lovingly embracing fear. In the excerpt, I am about to read, Ms. Gilbert has written a letter to her fear, and I think it bears repeating:

Gilbert writes, “Dearest Fear:

Creativity and I are about to go on a road trip together. I understand you’ll be joining us, because you always do. I do acknowledge that you believe you have an important job to do in my life, and that your take your job seriously. Apparently your job is to induce complete panic whenever I’m about to do anything interesting – and, may I say, you are superb at your job. 

So by all means, keep doing your job, if you feel you must. But I will also be doing my job on this road trip, which is to work hard and stay focused. And Creativity will be doing its job, which is to remain stimulating and inspiring. There’s plenty of room in this vehicle for all of us, so make yourself at home, but understand this: Creativity and I are the only ones who will be making any decisions along the way. I recognize and respect that you are part of this family, and I will never exclude you from our activities, but still – your suggestions will never be followed. You’re allowed to have a seat, and you’re allowed to have a voice, but you are not allowed to have a vote. You’re not allowed to touch the road maps; you’re not allowed to suggest detours; you’re not allowed to fiddle with the temperature. Dude, you’re not even allowed to touch the radio. But above all else, my dear old familiar friend, you are absolutely forbidden to drive.”

Today is the day for a new letter to my fear. It can be a line or two, but at least acknowledging it for existing instead pretending that I do not know what is happening or God forbid that I fear not!

Love and thanks,

I love it so much! I have used this letter to fear for so many things since I first read it in 2016- so we’re going on like 6.5 years, people! I used it when we were approaching what was inevitably our failed cycle, when I moved from general life coaching to IVF coaching, when I launched my podcast, I must’ve used this letter daily leading up to the launch of this podcast. It truly has changed my perception, my relationship with fear. 

And you can swap out her word “creativity” for ANYTHING you want. “IVF and I are about to go on a roadtrip together.” “My career and I are about to go on a roadtrip together.” Quite literally whatever you are needing help with. 

What I love about this letter so much, is that it is almost a visualization exercise. I can see myself, a version of me as my creativity, or whatever I am focusing on, and a version of me as my fear. When I visualize them as versions of me, aspects of me, it gives me an opportunity to show myself so much compassion and love. Of course, I am afraid of this thing- maybe I fear rejection, humiliation, grief, or loss. Of course, I do! I’m human. And I can love myself through it all. I can do things scared. It doesn’t have to be perfect and it doesn’t have to work out exactly the way I think it should- obviously that is desirable, but I can do things when I am afraid because fear is not the enemy. 

I’m gonna leave you with one more quote from Big Magic, “It seems to me that the less I fight my fear, the less it fights back. If I can relax, fear relaxes, too.”

And if that is EVER a quote that is so true about allowing your feelings. To let them sit with you, to welcome them, and to love yourself when you’re experiencing them. 

That is what I want for each and every one of you. Ok, that is what I have for you this week. Have a great week and I will talk to you soon!