Welcome to IVF This, episode 108- Worry Stacking

Hello, hello, hello my beautiful friends. I hope you are all doing so, so well today.

Before we get started today, I wanted to remind you all about my monthly open-coaching call. This month it will be Tuesday, March 21st at 1pm central, 2pm eastern time.  It is typically the second Tuesday of the month, but I will be out of town then so we pushed it back. 

I have talked a lot of people that say that don’t want to join the calls bc they think there will be so many people there- I’ve got some full transparency for ya! This is only like the forth or fifth open call I’ve done so there are not a lot of people that come to the calls. A handful at most. I’ve actually had the beautiful opportunity to coach a lot of women on those calls because it has been so intimate. So, if you’re holding yourself back from getting on the call, and you really want to, let me assure you that everyone else who is listening is probably thinking the same thing. “Oh there will be so many people on.” My friends, come hang out with me! I hope that came out more inviting that desperate, but honestly, these calls are still relatively new for my people so benefit from that newness, benefit from that relative obscurity and get one 1:1 time!

And of course, as always, I still offer the free mini-session which is absolutely 1:1 and very specific to your needs. So to get the email notification for the open coaching calls; you can go to either my website  www.ivfthiscoaching.com and click on the sign up for my newsletter. Or you can go to either my IG or FB pages and there is a link in my bio to both sign up for the newsletter, but also the link for the open coaching call is there so you can copy/paste that link into your calendar as well. 

Alright, now, let’s talk about Worry Stacking. I’m going to explain to you what it is, why we do it, and how to break the cycle. 

Worry stacking, is exactly as it sounds. Stacking worry upon worry. Some people might refer to it as a thought spiral- I want you to think of it in whatever term or terms make sense to you. I like worry stacking because of the visualization I get around stacking worry on top of worry until the stack topples over, if you prefer spiral, that’s beautiful too. No right or wrong, here. 

People, in general, experience anxiety. It is a pretty universal experience. And you can experience anxiety without it being some sort of pathology like generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, phobias, PTSD, social anxiety- like you can be someone who experiences anxiety without having or needing a diagnosis. You all know that I like to keep it real when we talk about these things because when we hyper-pathologize or try to give a diagnosis to everything, we are 1) causing ourselves needless pain by assigning this diagnosis when, for many people and many cultures, mental health is still very stigmatized, and 2) we kind of minimize the genuine experience of those suffering from those disorders. Ok, that’s my anxiety cautionary tale. 

To understand anxiety and worry- and just so you know I will be using those two words interchangeably because we are not talking about the formal diagnosis. To understand worry and anxiety, we have to always remember that anxiety or worry is what we refer to as a Biopsychosocial experience. This means that we experience it in our thinking, in our bodies, and it ripples out in our social behavior. In addition, our ideas around of anxiety are formed by our socialization and belief systems around anxiety. For instance, if you grew up in a chaotic home, you might not know what it is to not really experience anxiety. Or when you do experience calm, you then start spinning the story of, “ok, what terrible thing is about to happen? Or I shouldn’t feel so calm, what’s about to go wrong?” that’s called calm-induced panic, and yes, it really is a thing that many people experience. Or if you grew up with parents or caregivers that struggled with anxiety, themselves, and therefore projected their anxieties on to you, you might be perpetuating this cycle yourself. 

Now, the reason we describe our anxiety producing thoughts as stacking or a spiral because these types of thoughts have a very powerful feedback loop that is reinforced with each worry that is stacked. The reason that the feedback loop is so easily reinforced is because our brains have been trained, have evolved, to look for danger. That’s what our brains spend MOST of it’s time doing, is scanning the environment for any potential danger and then reporting it back. Your brain genuinely thinks it is being helpful. So, if we are in a situation where we are experiencing a lot of anxiety, what is happening is that the thoughts in your brain are then triggering that fight or flight response, the one that your body is SUPPOSED to do, and then the more thoughts that come into your brain, or the more physical discomfort you being to experience as a result of the anxiety, which causes more anxiety. This is because these abstract thoughts are being converted into literal, physical events in the body via the hormonal system. Responding to the thoughts as though they were real, imminent danger, the brain alerts the body’s glands to release adrenaline and cortisol, which activate the sympathetic nervous system and result in a range of bodily sensations.

And here’s where the worry stack or spiral can grab a hold and reinforce itself. Being hyper-aware of these sensations, despite no actual danger being present, the body and mind may begin to panic about the sensations themselves. Physiologically, this is called a state of hyperarousal, but mentally it can feel like an increasing sense of dread, quickly getting out of hand. The fight-or-flight response would ordinarily cause someone to take self-preserving action in the face of a threat, but with worry and anxiety, there is no threat, and nowhere to run. So, in essence, the sensations themselves become a trigger for further panic.

More hormones are then released, accompanied by catastrophic thinking that tries to frame and explain intellectually what can feel like the end of the world. The sensations feed back into the stack or spiral, amplifying themselves, and in some cases, even leading to a panic attack. What begins as thought is interpreted by the brain, which sends messages to the physical body, which responds biologically and in ways that confirm and compound the original anxious thoughts. 

A “break point” like a panic attack can bring some relief, but the cycle can still continue in the long-term, because the body and mind have now strengthened the false belief that certain thoughts, feelings and sensations are to be feared. In the case of social anxiety or phobias, a person might deliberately alter their social behavior in response to this spiral, for example avoiding the people, situations or places that have triggered anxiety in the past. So, rather than exposing themselves to stimuli that may challenge their existing models, people behave in ways that further reinforce the very mechanisms of their anxiety. 

Very, very often, since we are neither taught about our emotions nor how to process them when they do, inevitably, come we are often not giving ourselves any downtime between these stacks or spirals- so it’s like stacks on stacks on stacks. There’s no space for you to process one before the next one comes. So it feels like one continuous, unrelenting cycle. 

So how, how do we stop or slow down the stacking or the spiral? 

That’s a great question, I’m so glad you asked. 

Remember when I said earlier that it is a biopsychosocial process? That means we need a biopsychosocial response. We can’t ONLY focus on our thoughts, because then we are forgetting about our bodies, and our bodies are where all of this is taking place. So I’m going to offer you four things you can do, to help stop the stack. 

1. First and foremost and hear me when I say, DO NOT SKIP THIS PART- breathe. Breathe. I know it seems like an obnoxiously simplistic instruction but breathe, darling, breathe. One of the physiological responses of anxiety is that you pulse will quicken, your chest may tighten, and your breathing will be shallow and quickened- so breathe. There are several breathing techniques that you can employ. There’s box breathing- breathe in (slowly) for a count of four, hold for a count of four, breathe out for a count of four, and then hold for another four before you repeat the box as many times as needed. You can trace your hand, meaning that as you trace your hand, you breathe in as your tracing up a finger, and exhale as you are tracing down, and repeat for each finger. One of my favorite go-to’s is a breathing visualization that I do. I envision that I am breathing in pure white light and exhaling black smoke. So I will associate a neutral or positive emotion with the white light and whatever emotion I am processing through as the black smoke. So If I am feeling anxious I will repeat, “I am breathing in safety (or calm- whatever word works best for you). I am breathing in safety in the form of pure white light, and exhaling anxiety (or worry) in the form of black smoke. So, I love that visualization because it helps me to stay focused on my breathing. But again, something different might be more helpful to you. Pinterest is a great place to look for breathing techniques. Figuring out what works for you, is the most important thing. 
   

2.                  Stay in your time zone- I heard it phrased this way, I can’t remember who said it but I absolutely love the idea. You’ve heard me talk about mindfulness and staying present in the moment and that’s what “stay in your time zone” is referring to. Anxiety is a future-focused state of mind. You’re trying to forecast or plan or fortune tell the future, as a means of limiting, mitigating, or eliminating possible future pain. But because you CAN’T actually do that, you’re making yourself miserable in the current moment. There’s a couple of thoughts that I usually turn to, to keep myself in the moment. One is, “I don’t have enough information about this to freak out.” I like this one because it acknowledges that this is something that is potentially scary but, I don’t have enough information to intentionally decide how I want to think about it, yet. And the second one is: “What is for me, will never miss me.” I use this one ALL THE TIME, especially when I am experiencing FOMO or comparing myself to someone else. Those are thoughts that work for me. Practice them, think about other ones that might work better for you. Again, there’s no right or wrong here; take what works for you, leave what doesn’t.

3.                  Re-label what is happening- Anxiety and worry can often feel so intense it makes you feel like you’re dying or having a heart attack. Remind yourself: “I’m having a panic attack, but it’s harmless, it’s temporary, and there’s nothing I need to do,” It might also help to keep in mind it really is the opposite of a sign of impending death — your body is activating its fight-or-flight response, the system that’s going to keep you alive.

4.                  Fact-check those thoughts- In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) we refer to this as logic testing. People with anxiety often fixate on worst-case scenarios. To combat these worries, think about how realistic they are. When you are expecting news from your clinic, and we start forecasting all the terrible things to come, and your brain offers you, “This will never work,” or something in that vein, remind yourself “I’m hurting, and I’m scared but I don’t know the future. It feels hopeless (or whatever emotion) but that doesn’t mean that the situation itself is in fact hopeless. Want a non-IVF example? Say you’re nervous about a big presentation at work. Rather than think, “I’m going to bomb,” for example, say, “I’m nervous, but I’m prepared. Some things will go well, and some may not,” Getting into a pattern of rethinking your fears helps train your brain to come up with a rational way to deal with your anxious thoughts.

Ok, so those are four ways to stop the worry stack. To stop the spiral. You are NOT at the mercy of your brain. Your brain is also NOT your enemy. Your body is NOT the enemy. You have probably NEVER been taught how to manage your mind. How to talk to yourself more that listen to yourself. How to create safety in your body, so that you can allow yourself to feel emotions, instead of trying to shove them down. This is a beautiful start to that process, if you’re new here, and it’s a wonderful way to continue your mindfulness and self-coaching practice. 

Ok, this is what I have for you today. Have a wonderful weeks, and I will talk to you soon.