Welcome to IVF This, episode 109- The infertility Tipping Point 

Hello, hello, hello my beautiful friends. I hope you’re all doing so, so well today. 

I’m so excited to talk with you all today. I have a couple of listener reviews- I call them listener love, that I want to share with you all. Both reviews come from Audible- yes, IVF This is on audible.

So the first review is anonymous, but it says: “I am starting IVF for the first time soon and am concerned about how it will affect my mental health.
I am so glad I found this podcast and I know that I will go back and listen to some of my favorite episodes when I am struggling.”

Well, I am super glad that you found the podcast and I wish you nothing but love and luck on this IVF journey. I will say that I am very glad that you are looking for supports as you’re going through your journey. I don’t think that many, if any, of us give ourselves credit for cultivating, nurturing, or seeking out supports. But that’s not for nothing. That is an act of self-care, of love to yourself. It shows that you are resourceful and willing to learn how to better take care of yourself; and that’s really something. This is one of those things that you can use to remind yourself when your brain goes on catastrophizing, you can remind yourself that you do know how to take care of yourself. Or that you are learning how to better care for yourself. As always, I want you to give yourself credit, even if in the past it is something that you maybe wouldn’t have ever acknowledged. Acknowledge it! 

Ok, the second review comes from a woman named Jessica, and she said: “I could write a more lengthy review but I won't. I will just say she's fabulous and professional and seems to have a good heart too. She is so good and professional and gives excellent interviews with awesome topics. She even discusses things we are not supposed to say... Like in sex Ed in school they taught lies. Refreshing empowering and friendly. she gives hope to all moms who've gone through ivf and women who are going through it. And people in general. I'm happy I found this sweet strong podcast. I hope you are too.”  I love this so much! I want your lengthy review, Jessica! But I just want to say that you, both, for taking the time to rate and review the podcast. It truly means the world to me, not just that you enjoy the podcast and that you’re finding it helpful- because that’s the point of why I do it, but also that YOU took time out of your schedule to put to words your appreciation. Ratings, and especially reviews on the platforms that have them, Apple, Audible, I think maybe stitcher, podcast addict, I know that spotify you can rate but not review- anyway, the more ratings and reviews a podcast has, the more discoverable the podcast is- which means that more people can find the podcast. So please, share the podcast, if the platform you use has a rating and or review options, please share your honest opinions there. Let’s get the world out that you can do infertility and IVF differently. That you don’t HAVE to be at the mercy of this process, or your emotions. That you can learn how to take care of yourself during, arguably, one of the most stressful times in your life. And if you can learn how to take care of yourself NOW, think about the ripple effect that can have on the rest of your life!

Ok, but let’s get into the topic at hand today- which is The Infertility Tipping Point. So, I’ve been working on expanding out some of my social media stuff and my team and I, which I do want to stop and say a MASSIVE thank you to my team. I have my incredible and wonderful producer Anthony, who has been with me since episode one. He’s the reason this podcast sounds as polished and professional as it does. He’s responsible for all of that. I am basically a chaos goblin that puts relatively coherent, cogent words together and then he makes me sound super professional and polished, like Jessica’s review said. And then I have Ella- who is bar none one of the most lovely individuals I’ve ever had the pleasure of working with! She takes the stuff that I write, and she helps craft my social media posts- again, she has to take the work of this chaos goblin and she makes it beautiful and polished and everything- and I am just so lucky to have in my corner! 

Ok, lemme get back on topic. As we’ve been working on building out my social media stuff, I’ve been watching a lot more infertility and IVF related social media posts and channels and stuff like that. So, I’ve been thinking more and more about the difference in mindset between people that choose to work with me and those that do not- not from a place of judgement, never, but from a place of curiosity. Whether you choose to work with me, or with any mental health professional during this time, I think it’s important to understand the mindset of someone who decides they want to have a different experience of this journey. 

A couple of caveats- I am not about to minimize the privilege and the access that one needs to have in order to have access to, or the opportunity to work with a coach or even a therapist. Therapy is more accessible now than it ever has been but that doesn’t mean that it is accessible for everyone. In addition, coaching, is not paid for by insurance. So it is an additional expense on top of whatever expenses your might be incurring from fertility treatments.  So when I am talking about the mindset of people who actively pursue coaching or therapy, mindfulness, thought work, whatever it is, I am not just speaking about those with the financial means to pay for these things. I’m talking about the person working a second job at Starbucks to help pay for IVF coverage, she listens to my podcast and actively journals a couple of minutes most days. She is not dropping thousands of dollars, or anything like that, she is taking what she has access to and making it work for her situation. 

You do not have to pay for coaching or go to therapy to change your experience of this journey. You don’t have to invest in the perfect journal, or a million books, or extravagant things to change your experience of this journey. But those that do, have hit an infertility tipping point. 

A tipping point is when a series of small events or incidents becomes significant enough to cause larger, important changes. The tipping point is when you decide you’re going to do something about what you are or have been experiencing. It’s deciding to take action, even if you don’t know exactly what action to take, or even if taking those actions will bring change. 

The tipping point is the point when we decide we aren’t willing to settle or sit on the sidelines and watch our lives go by, even while we are going through fertility treatments. Even when it feels like we’ve ostensibly have given over control of our lives to IVF and the process. 

So what I mean by the infertility tipping point is that some IVF’ers will notice themselves feeling sad, feeling lonely, feeling hopeless or disheartened when they think about how their lives look right now- this is super common. Those that reach the tipping point, see what’s happening and decide they are ready, or uncomfortable enough, to make a change. 

For people who never reach the tipping point, I believe they are still uncomfortable, still grieving, still struggling, but they have almost resigned themselves to that discomfort and for them it’s just how it is- which just breaks my heart for them. Like I hold them so tenderly in my heart. I see women posting in IVF groups or on IG and they’re like, “I’m just biding my time until…”  “I just want to be happy” with the insinuation that the only thing that could permit them to be happy is a baby. I even saw a woman pose the question, “How could I ever expect to be happy without a baby?” And that just break my heart so much because 1) that’s a lot of pressure to put on a baby, like your forever happiness, that’s a lot of pressure on a tiny person. And 2) that means that let’s say when. You do get that baby, and you do inevitably experience sadness, or unhappiness, because it’s a feeling and people experience all the feelings, they’re probably going to villainize themselves by saying, “I finally have this thing that I thought would make me happy and I’m still not happy so what the hell is wrong with me?” I mean that was me. 100%. 

The people who reach that tipping point decide that they are committed to the process and committed to themselves. The ones that never reach the tipping point have kind of convinced themselves that these are just the crap cards that they have been delt and just try to muddle through. 

So, I’m speaking to you. If you’re nearing the tipping point, if you’re flirting with the tipping point, if you’re at the tipping point and not sure where to go with it, I want to invite you to embrace the 1%. One of my coaching mentors, Kara Loewenthiel calls it the “Infinite 1%.”

The most beautiful, meaningful, sustained changes that you make in your life are made in 1% increments. Our brain doesn’t want to believe this. 1% often doesn’t feel like we’re doing enough. If you remember a few months back, right as we were hitting the 100 episode benchmark, I did a several episode series around perfectionism. Perfectionism wants you to believe that in order to make changes, you have to change everything. That in order for, let’s say working out, to count you need to work out 5-6 times per week at a high intensity. That if you’re concerned about your egg quality, you have to throw out all your plastic ware, all your fragrances and candles, and spend $400 a month on supplements. That’s the lie that we’ve all been sold and that is the story that our brains desperately cling to. So it’s no wonder why it becomes overwhelming to us, and we quickly revert back to our usual ways. 

Your brain wants to tell you that you have to be 100% in to make changes; to make changes stick. 1% seems too tiny; seemingly insignificant. But think about this- the difference between doing nothing and doing something is the biggest difference there is. From zero to one is exponential growth. Going from zero to one is the part most people never do. Going from zero to one is the hard part. 

Once you go from zero to one- you just rinse and repeat. 

Remember that your brains loves to save energy and it’s terrified of doing anything new. Newton’s first law of motion is that a body in motion will tend to stay in motion, and a body at rest will tend to stay at rest. What is hard is overcoming the inertia of zero to get to one. What is hard is to be in a state of not being in motion, a state of rest, and go into being in motion. 

That’s where you need effort. 

When you want to take a new action, you have to get over the inertia of not being in motion to get in motion. But after you’ve done it once and you know how, it’s just rinse and repeat. What’s hard is going from being in motion to being at rest. A body in motion tends to stay in motion. When you want to stop taking a certain action you have, like you have a habit you’re trying to change, the inertia is actually to just keep repeating it. 

Just keep taking the same motion, keep doing the same thing. And the effort is that you have to get over the inertia of just repeating the habit, the same way you always do to change it, to be at rest. But after you’ve allowed an urge without acting on it once or twice, just rinse and repeat. 

The big difference in the world isn’t between people who have done a little versus people who have done a lot. It’s between people who do nothing and people who do something. And this is the tragedy of perfectionism because perfectionism keeps us thinking that doing a little is pointless. But doing a little is everything. 

If you spend five minutes doing thought work every day, after a year, you will have spent 30 whole hours working on your brain. Now, 30 doesn’t sound like a big number but really think about 30 whole hours. That’s almost a whole work week of nothing but working on your thoughts. All day at work. 

If you don’t spend those five minutes because it’s too little and it doesn’t count, a year later, you will have the exact same thoughts and results you do now. You will have gotten nowhere. A body at rest stays at rest. A mind in chaos stays in chaos. Unless you use your energy to overcome that little bit of inertia, that first 1%. 

The exponential difference is not between you who are spending five minutes a day on thought work and someone who’s spending an hour a day on it. You are actually very close together next to each other. The exponential difference is between both of you and someone who doesn’t do thought work at all. 

When you’re despairing about how what you can do is not enough, you know what you aren’t doing? You’re not actually doing it. You just sit around thinking about how it’s not enough and so you do nothing. But if you believed the biggest difference in life was between those who do nothing and those who do a little, then you’d have no excuse not to try because you would understand the infinite 1%. 

That even doing something 1%, the difference between nothing and 1%, the difference between one minute or one hour, however you want to think about that time or effort, the difference between nothing and 1% is infinite. So you’d have no excuse not to try doing at least 1%. and that would change everything for you. 

So, if you are at that tipping point, or you feel like you’re nearing it or maybe even passed it but you’re not sure where to get started, just choose one thing. Start with one thing that is sustainable, that you can do most days, and that you find some joy, or happiness, or motivation around. Whether that’s journaling, going out for a walk, meditation, yoga, listening to this podcast and applying the different concepts or practicing the things I suggest, creating a gratitude list, seeking out therapy or coaching, no matter what you choose stick with it. Remind yourself that 1% is HUGE and sustainable and that right now is the PERFECT time to learn how to take care of yourself. 

Ok, that is what I have for you my beautiful friends. Have a wonderful week and I’ll talk to you soon.