Welcome to IVF This, episode 113- The War on Hope

Hello, hello, hello my beautiful friends. I hope you are all doing so, so well today.

I’m doing something a bit unusual today and starting this episode out with a quote:

“Hope gets a bad rap: it’s been dismissed as passive, delusional, unrealistic. But hope is also an act of imagination, an antidote to apathy, a call to arms, a catalyst for change. It lifts our spirits and gives us strength. Without hope…what hope do we have?” _Meg Mundell

I love this quote so much because it starts out with saying the quiet part out loud. We have a war on hope. 

So that’s what we’re going to talk about today. I’m going to share a few thoughts on why holding out hope is so difficult, why we cling to this idea of hope so tightly, and how can we compassionately navigate this idea of hope. 

Any forum that you might or might not be on, any person that you might share your IVF journey with have probably mentioned something about hope to you.

Hold on to hope

Keep hope alive

Keep the faith (another way to describe Hope)

Don’t give up (yet another way to describe hope)

Asking on FB groups or forums for stories that might give you hope.

Even posts or stories that are about another persons experience with the intention of spreading hope. 

All of this is in service to this thing we desperately want, yet feels so damn elusive for us. 

As always, I don’t have any problem with the way we yield hope within the infertility community. Whether we are trying to nurture it, cultivate it, or share it. 

What I think we tend to do to ourselves, that can be very challenging, is that we weaponize hope against ourselves. We tell ourselves that hope is the problem. Hope is the reason you’re disappointed or heartbroken. 

Hope is a thing we yearn for, and simultaneously reject. 

So what is hope? Hope is a feeling- a feeling of expectation or desire. It’s not some secret ingredient for success. It’s not an unlimited resource that we can pull from, and it’s not a thief of joy. 

It’s a feeling. 

Now this war on hope isn’t specific to the infertility community. It’s a pervasive belief.

For instance, if you’re a fan of the TV show Ted Lasso, the season one finale episode was titled “It’s the hope that kills you.” Since this show is based and filmed in the UK, London specifically, this is a saying, which at it’s roots is part of a larger phrase, which have a few variations, but the core elements are 'it's not the despair, it's the hope'. The oldest version I know (and I'm sure it's not the oldest) was in the film Clockwise, with John Cleese. It went something like, “it's not the despair, I can take the despair. It's the hope I can't stand.” Now, what’s important to remember about this specific reference is that this movie, clockwise, was an absurd, screwball comedy. It’s brilliant bc it’s john Cleese, but it’s not fact. 

Hell, even the passage from Dante’s inferno “Abandon hope, all ye who enter here,” which Dante places at the entrance of hell, is not some strange Gothic flourish designed to horrify the damned. It’s meant to be a friendly piece of advice. 

It’s so interesting, if you google anything about hope you either find a deluge of “keep hope alive-esque- stuff. Of you find the John Cleese’s of the world and their beliefs around hope. 

And I think that’s the fundamental problem- it’s black or white. It’s either hope or despair. It’s either hopeful or hopeless. It’s like there’s an absolute with either of them. 

But if you’ve listened to me for any length of time, you know that I don’t really work in the world of absolutes- like even the way I phrased that sentence leaves it open for interpretation. 

So my question to you is, is there a middle ground to be had? 

Now, before I share my thoughts on the middle ground between the two I want to talk a little bit about why we do wage a war on hope. 

So, if hope is a feeling of expectation or desire. That means it is a feeling that is based in the future. In the same kind of way that anxiety is a feeling based in the future. Which I think is often why, during IVF, we vacillate so quickly and easily between those two extremes. It’s like they’re the different sides of the same coin. 

But hope is never a problem when we get what we want. 

But when we have experienced disappointment, either singularly or recurring disappointment, some amount of blame for our heartache is placed on hope. 

And that is because, in the face of heartache, in the face of disappointment, in the face of loss, our brain wants to find blame. The amygdala, which lies DEEEP within the temporal lobe, the primitive part of your brain that is part of your limbic system- which is ALLL about emotional responses- so when we are experiencing disappointment (whatever word you want to use for that, devastation, heartache, the term isn’t as important and understanding the function) the limbic system is ignited, your body is flooded with hormones and you receive all of those fear based fight, flight impulses are jacked up to 11. The amygdala wants to blame something, anything, as a means of getting out of that horrible feeling of disappointment or despair or heartache. Blame feels righteous, much like anger which is often tied to blame and injustice, they feel much more powerful than despair or devastation. 

We live in a society, in a culture that wants something to blame. It wants something it can point to and say “that’s the problem.” This instinct didn’t just materialize, it was born out our our brains instinct to seek meaning and understanding. 

In the absence of that, our brains will often turn the blame on itself. 

When we reach out for help, like with a fertility clinic and dr and it isn’t working, hope is a really hard feeling to access. It’s even more difficult when we make hope one of the culprits of our heartache.  Then fear, shame and stigma kept us there.

Interestingly, the amygdala is also responsible for processing and storage of our memories. 

Which, when you can understand that aspect, OF-freaking-course you find hope nearly impossible to access or a complete adversary. Your brain and your body remember the time you had hope and your heart was broken. So if you go through multiple rounds, multiple heartaches, multiple disappointment- like it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy around hope. And then, like an old reliable, albeit pain in the ass friend called shame comes in and starts back on it’s BS telling you how you did this to yourself bc you let yourself feel hope- and all that. 

Do you see how this war brews? 

Do you see how you’re the only enemy combatant in this war?

I believe that the root of what most of us describe as the Emotional rollercoaster is that war. It that rapid movement between hope and despair- then you sprinkle in the shame, self-loathing, and all of the non-sense that drunken asshole in your brain spouts off- it’s no wonder why you’re suffering. You were already in pain from not getting the thing you so desperately wanted, and now adding all of the other stuff on top is just excruciating. 

So let’s go back to that question I posed a couple minutes ago- is there a middle ground between hope and despair?

I don’t think my answer will surprise any of you- yes, yes, I believe there is a middle ground. 

Over the years that I have either been on this journey myself, or worked with women on this journey, managing hope has been on of the most difficult challenges, almost universally. The biggest challenge: does it matter is one is hopeful during a treatment cycle? 

Some people work very hard to remain positive and hopeful, while others ride waves of negativity. And people in both groups have healthy pregnancies. And sadly, there are members of both groups that are met with repeated heartache. 

So, what do I think is the middle ground? Commitment. 

Commitment. That’s the sweet spot. 

It’s often times not as difficult to access as hope, and it can help you weather the pain. 

Think about it in terms of your partner, if you have one. Does being committed guarantee you won’t ever experience pain? Absolutely not. Does it mean that you won’t get to experience joy? Nope. Both are possible and experienced within the context of commitment. 

Commitment is an endurance race- much like IVF. 

And being committed doesn’t mean that you run yourself into the ground in pursuit of your goal. It just means that you’re committed to the process, until you -and hear me so well right now- until YOU decide you’re done. This is the very definition of agency. 

You always, always, always get to decide. 

Commitment- to the process, and most importantly to YOURSELF will take you so much further than trying to white-knuckle your way through a cycle. It doesn’t mean that you won’t experience hope or despair. Those are emotions that are part of the human experience. They are coming for the ride whether you like it or not. Expect both of them to show up, at some point or different points along the way. 

Let me leave you with this, friends, what I have learned through my own journey and what you all have so beautifully taught me is that the human ability to evaluate when hope or caution is needing to be front an center, is instinctual. It is your inner wisdom telling you what you can do and what you cannot. There are times when a bounty of hope feels easy. And other times, caution or doubt feels safer. Both are beautiful. Your brain and your body know what you need from them- listen. Hold space for it, without judgement. 

If one is more easily accessible, that’s what you’re supposed to be feeling in that moment. There’s nothing wrong with you if you’re unable to access hope, or if you’re leaning into doubt. 

You are a human, navigating a tender, heart-filled, vulnerable experience. And we can do that with commitment and compassion. 

Ok, that is what I have for you, my beautiful friends. Have a wonderful day, and I will talk to you soon!