Hello, hello, my beautiful friends. The title, I've recorded this episode now twice because the first time I accidentally hit mute on my mic and so there was no audio after like a minute and a half. But every time I've said that title, it makes me laugh because it's just a wordplay on the movie, The Sixth Sense, like it's 20 whatever years ago, like I see dead people. But that's what we're gonna talk about today. 

Why does it seem like the moment we decide that we're gonna try, start trying to conceive or we are... find out we're on an infertility journey or restart going down the path of IVF, and all of a sudden, all of the effing pregnant people in the world come out of the woodwork. So that's what we're gonna talk about today. 

First, I wanna share a little bit about what's been going on for me. Lots been happening over the last few weeks. My parents, my two elderly parents, moved from the town where I grew up in the Panhandle of Texas, which is like six hours from where I live now, and they are now, they relocated to the same town where my brother and my beloved sister-in-law and my nieces live. Thankfully, they only live a little under two hour drive from me, but again, they're in the same city as my brother and my sister-in-law in their family, which is a huge relief, right? When you have aging parents, I mean, mine are in their 70s, there's some health issues, they have some mobility issues, and the amount of relief. that I experienced kind of driving home the first weekend that they were moving in where we kind of got all the boxes and stuff into their house was just palpable. Now don't get me wrong, it's been an exhausting few weeks. I have been back and forth multiple times just trying to get them settled in, get everything put away as best as possible, just kind of make their home functional. But the relief that I get to experience now that I don't think I really kind of conceptually understood how much pressure or how heavy it felt at the idea of if they were to get sick or if they were to get injured, what that would be like trying to go back and forth from my home to theirs, which is six hours apart. And now that worry is not necessarily there. I still worry that they might get sick or something might happen, but logistically it will not feel as difficult, logistically it will not feel as heavy.

 So I always wanna bring up the fact that like, I am not immune to feeling more than one thing at a time. I'm a human and this is just what we do. So I'm feeling so much relief and I am so tired and so sore. If you guys had seen me probably about a week ago I had bruises up and down the inside of both of my arms on my chest just from like moving and lifting and hauling boxes and all of that stuff. So We are kind of in a new day for my family getting to have so much closeness with my family, my parents specifically, which we haven't had in, I haven't lived in that town in like 13 or 14 years. So it's really remarkable. So just a little life update, no big deal. 

But today, like I said, we're going to talk about why. Why does it seem like everyone and their dog gets pregnant the think that we might be experiencing infertility or IVF, like they just come out of the woodwork, right? Why all of a sudden, no, hang on. Yeah, yeah, so on and so forth. Why all of a sudden does it feel like we're inundated with all the pregnancy announcements, the gender reveal invitations, the birth announcements, all of the things? Why does it feel like that happens when you, no. Why does it feel like everybody is getting their family except for you? Now this is little more than coincidence, right? Especially if you've kind of crossed that threshold from the adorable, naive, oh, aren't we so lovely and sweet for wanting to have a family and we'll try and we'll just have sex and we'll just be so fun and light and breezy. You kind of cross that threshold to like something's wrong. And this is a little bit heavier, this is a little bit scarier, this is a little bit less certain. 

So. In order to talk about that, I want you guys to understand a function of our brain that is called the reticular activation system, the RAS. RAS, I'll refer to it in various different forms throughout the podcast, but it's the same thing. Reticular activation system, the RAS or the RAS. I'm gonna talk about what it is, what it does, and why, and I'm gonna give you four kind of concrete ways to work around rewiring it. Not a four step process, four different ways. 

Okay, so the reticular activating system, the RAS, it is a network of neurons that's in your brainstem, which is responsible for a few things, behavior modification, wake-sleep cycles, and for the purpose of today, attention. Now I'm not referring to attention in like the ADHD way, but just the things that happen that we notice and that we think about. Now this particular activation system, it starts above your spinal cord and it's about two inches long. It's the width of a pencil and it's actually where most of your senses come in and are processed. The exception being, I think it's your smell, your sense of smell, which is actually responded to and processed through your emotion center of your brain, which is interesting. But what the RAS does, it actually connects the subconscious part of your brain to the conscious part of your brain. And I love, I love brains so much. They're so fascinating to me. And what all that means is that the RAS is what is in control of like incoming information, which we would call stimulus. The things that you're aware of. So that you would be able to motivate or behave in a certain way. 

That's a ridiculous way for me to say, it's like a guard. that sits between your brain and your senses, like the sight, the hearing, the touch. And it filters what information gets through and what doesn't. I bet you didn't kind of think about your brain as not really perceiving everything that happens around you. You may be, maybe, but a lot of us don't realize that. Right? Why is that? 

Well, number one, it's a survival mechanism. Like, as with most things with our brain, it's just trying to keep us alive. At any given time, only a certain amount of information is actually useful to your brain. For example, if there was a tiger that was about to attack you, The only piece of information that your brain needs is for you to run. Run to save your life. It doesn't need to know what color the grass is or the flowers are. It doesn't need to know how the air smells or what song was playing in the background. That is irrelevant information if a tiger is about to attack you. 

Another example, a less killy example would be like your nose. Your eyes can see your nose when your eyes are open, not just when you're standing in a mirror, but it can. But your brain filters out the part of your vision that would be obstructed or sense or see the nose. Your brain's like, I don't need to know, I know it's there. It's always been there. It's okay, it's not a problem that it's there, but we just don't need to perceive it. I don't need Emily to know that her nose is there. Similar to like the rushing or whooshing, which I love. that word whooshing. The whooshing sound of your blood in your ears because you can hear it but your brain filters it out. Irrelevant information. 

Okay? So I was fascinated when I learned that basically your brain is exposed to millions of pieces of information every second. But your conscious mind is only aware of like 20 to 40 bits and 40 is pushing it, bits of information in that given time too. So what you believe about your life, yourself, and for us, what our family represents, what it means. will be reflected back to you based on this very sophisticated filtration system that we have. 

If you're familiar with TikTok, it's almost like the TikTok algorithm. The more, if you've been on TikTok, then you know that the more that you interact with things, the more of those things that you'll see. So whether it's likes or comments or shares or saves. then you will start seeing that populate on your for you page, which is very different from the algorithms for like Facebook or Instagram. I always think it's funny a few months back when the United States Congress was trying to ban TikTok and the congressional members who were like it has to go away we're talking about all these like really explicit or dangerous imagery and I was always chuckling I was like bro you're seeing that because that's what you're interacting with. So like if you're seeing these very graphic images, that's because you're liking, sharing, saving, commenting, whatever, that's on you, pal. Anyway, that's an aside. 

But our reticular activation system kind of works like the TikTok algorithm. The more things that you interact with, the more things you respond to, the more your brain is gonna filter out that information to reflect that back to you, right? So let me give you a couple of examples in reference to IVF, right? 

I've heard my clients say things like, my life is so sad without kids, okay? So I want you to think of what type of filter your brain would put. For instance, what comes up for me is, maybe you're seeing all of these happy families together, right, the partners smiling and laughing and kind of just lovingly gazing at each other while their adorable children play in the background, right? Kind of reinforcing to you how sad your life is because you don't have. that image. Or maybe it's even just like in catalogs or on websites, your brain is going to perceive that information based on the thought my life is so sad without children.

 Another example would be the everyone is pregnant but me. Then you're going to start seeing every pregnant person, every pregnant creature on the face of this earth. All of a sudden, you're gonna flip it to Animal Planet and it's gonna be about mama pandas or something like that. That is the reticular, mm, that is the reticular activating system working in real time. It is providing you that information based on the perception of that thought, okay? 

Another one that came up recently with a coaching call was I'm not gonna be able to handle this. And this being like the emotional labor of IVF or the shots or whatever, right? You can fill in whatever, would be applicable to you for the I can't handle this, right? So what's gonna happen is two things. Your brain is probably gonna go back into kind of the catalog of your history to provide you thoughts and images, just depending on how your brain works, thoughts and images that will reinforce to you all of the times that you have not handled something. It's gonna ignore all of the stuff that you've handled because that will seem irrelevant to your brain, right? Because remember, the thought is I can't handle this. So all the times that you have, maybe you've finished your degree, graduated from high school, you've navigated tough friendships or other difficult circumstances, your brain is gonna ignore that because it perceives it to be irrelevant, okay?

 So some non-IVF examples would be like, my boss hates me. Therein by every interaction or exchange that you have with your boss will be interpreted through that filter. every even innocuous examples would then be interpreted by your brain in showing you how much your boss hates you. And see, this is why it reinforces. They got on to me about something and not Patricia. And it was the same thing, right? She gives me extra work and I'm already maxed out. And every time I try and tell them that I'm at my capacity, they're like, well, just figure it out. Right? That is, now that's a little bit of a toxic workplace example, but the idea is that the belief that you have that your boss doesn't like you or hates you, everything, every interaction, everything is going to be perceived through that lens, okay? 

That is one of the reasons it's so important to understand the reticular activation system. You are not inherently negative. And all of these things aren't just happening to you. They are just things that are happening in the world. that you are now perceiving kind of just right in your face. You cannot look away because that's the way your brain was designed. It is the way it has evolved, okay? Now, you can reprogram your reticular activation system. Okay, you can ask it to expand its horizon and that's what we're gonna talk about. So there are four different ways. They're kind of my four favorite ways. They're not a four step process, right? 

These are very specific, very kind of on their own ideas. You can lump them together, but that's not really the idea so much as just giving you four options, okay? And with everything with IVF, this is cafeteria style. You're gonna take what works for you and you're gonna leave what doesn't, okay? So number one, this is probably one of the most important. If you're gonna do any of this, do a number one, and I would probably strongly suggest number four, but I'll get there. 

Number one is decide what you want to believe. No matter what that is, all of us want to believe something nice, good, wholesome, lovely about our lives. We want to. It's an aspiration and you get to decide. Not really an affirmation, right? If you're familiar with me, that's not, I don't have, I have like a love hate relationship against affirmations. I think they're absolutely wonderful, but only to the extent that you believe them. If they're not believable, then they're not really going to be useful. because your brain is not gonna actually, there's not gonna be any traction that you're gonna gain from repeating something that you don't believe over and over and over. And in fact, you're more likely to start using that against yourself, like, oh, I keep saying this affirmation every single day, four times a day, and I still don't believe it, what the hell is wrong with me, right? So it's not really an affirmation, but it's something believable that is less painful and is specific to you, not necessarily an outcome, right? The things that you can control. So. My examples that I, like my hard and fast examples. I can handle these things. My emotions, this process, giving myself shots. I can learn these things. I can learn how to process my emotions. I can learn how to give myself injections. I can learn how to follow the protocol. I can feel and allow my feelings to be with me. I understand my feelings are not problems. I can allow them to be there. I can allow them to sit with me, and I know that they don't mean anything about me. I can make this process easier on myself. And that is reflective in everything that I just listed off, right? I can handle these things. I can allow my emotions, right? But I can make this process easier on myself. I can be compassionate to myself. I know how to take care of myself. I can... love my life and still want more. I can enjoy my life exactly as it is right now, or parts of my life exactly as it is right now. 

And what's really important when you do this is that I want you to kind of lean into the positive because that is what your brain is going to respond to. Having a negative lean is still having kind of a negative connotation. So for example, instead of the one that I offered of like, I can make this process easier on myself, saying to yourself, I don't have to make this process harder. It's fine, it will work, but it's still kind of a negative leaning thought, right? Don't would be kind of have a negative connotation to it. So to be the most effective, you would want to be able to say something in the positive rather than trying to frame it in a negative and go reverse. Your brain just doesn't respond that way, right? It's very black and white. So it's got a negative connotation, it's gonna be a negative lens. If it's got a positive connotation, it's gonna be a positive lens, all right? 

I want you to write these things down, whatever, I should say no matter, no matter what the thoughts are, I want you to write them on sticky notes and I want you to place them around your home or your office, your computer monitor, your bathroom mirror. Even if you don't take time to read them, you're going to be absorbing them kind of subconsciously as you go move about your day, right? Sticky notes are one of my favorite things. I've got at least three on my mirror right now. I've got two sitting here on my computer monitor. They're wonderful things that they're just gonna live in the background, which is where the vast majority of the information that we perceive is already there. It's already in the background. So let's do that. 

Number two, also important, I guess I shouldn't have said that one and four, because they're all equally important. Not to chew my own horn, but they're all equally important. Number two is I want you to take an inventory of your mental diet. What are you consuming, from where, and for how long? How do you feel? Want you to be brutally honest with yourself. Are you going from, my doctor mentioned this thing, so I'm researching, and I'm going from empirical research now to anecdotal research, and every time I go down the anecdotal research. like rabbit hole, I end up feeling worse because invariably there's some sort of extreme example either way and that just doesn't feel good to me right now. Maybe you're jumping into the IVF Facebook groups and all of a sudden you are feeling worse because you're comparing yourself or you're kind of getting like this vicarious traumatization based on all of these really sad stories that people do share on those forums, which isn't a problem but... You just wanna be aware of what's happening to you when you read those things, when you consume those things. Are you scrolling on Instagram for hours at a time just trying to disassociate, but your entire feed is filled with pregnancy and affirmations and toxic positivity and all of that stuff, right? I want you to kind of create a check-in or some sort of gating criteria that you can reflect on before you go searching on. Reddit or Google or Facebook groups or anything like that. I want you to check in with yourself. What am I doing this for? What am I trying to accomplish? Nine times out of 10, you are chasing a feeling. You're just chasing a feeling. You want certainty, you want motivation, you want camaraderie, you're chasing a feeling. So then you ask yourself, how can I give myself that feeling that I'm searching for, that I'm chasing? Or how can I take myself back to a more grounded and neutral place where I won't have to rely on some sort of external thing to give me a feeling that it's not even gonna be possible to get the feeling that you're hoping for, okay? So. 

Number three, daily gratitude. I know, I know, Oprah said it, it's gotta be true. It is true. Daily gratitude practice is one of the easiest and most natural ways to rewire or reprogram your RAS. It just is. When you are doing a daily gratitude, and again, no matter, you're standing in front of your mirror, you're talking to yourself, you're talking out loud, you're saying it to yourself in the car. You're telling your partner, you're telling your best friend, you're writing down. Try to stick with the number three. That seems to be a magical number. I'm not sure what the science is behind it right now, but that seems to be a magical number for gratitude is three. In a few weeks' time, I'm going to release an IVF mindfulness journal as part of like a free offer to you guys. And one of the things, it's a two-part journaling, so you journal a little bit in the morning and you journal a little bit at night. And one of the first questions for the morning section of that, IVF mindfulness journal is about gratitude, right? And what's really important, it's not so much the content of what you are grateful for, so much is that you are expressing that gratitude. What I mean is it doesn't have to be this robust, vibrant, beautiful dedication of gratitude, right? It doesn't have to be, I am so grateful that I have the air in my lungs, or I'm so grateful that I have this relationship and because of this and this and this, right? It doesn't have to be that. It could be as simple as I'm glad I have clean clothing. I am glad that for some reason my curls decided to fall into some sort of semblance of something on my head, right? It doesn't have to be these monumental things. Some days you are going to feel just an abundance of gratitude and you can respond in kind by doing your gratitude practice. And some days, oh, the bar is going to be on the floor and we're just going to reach for what gratitude we have available to us in that immediate moment. and both of those are beautiful. Remember, it's the practice of the gratitude rather than the content of what you are grateful for. 

All right, number four. Are you ready? Adult coloring books. Who had adult coloring books on their IVF This bingo card for 2023? Not many of you, I'm sure, but it's true. There is a lot of... New and emerging evidence that talks about the act of coloring, particularly in like vibrant colors, a unique or creative design actually can put you in a very meditative or hypnotic state. In a meditative or hypnotic state, you're actually doing two things. You are calming and regulating your central nervous system, which I think most people run around in the world with an incredibly dysregulated central nervous system. which is why we tend to be so reactive to things, right? Particularly women, because we are constantly overstimulated. But the other part of it is, is that you are actually showing your brain and your body that in that more regulated state, you do not have to be on the lookout for danger, which is the purpose of the RAS to begin with. It's that survival mechanism. You're allowing everything to kind of calm down and recalibrate. to where it understands, hey, I'm safe. I'm safe, nothing's gonna kill me, I got this. 

Okay, so it's four things, four things. Decide what you wanna believe, post it around your house, around your office, whatever. Take an inventory of your mental diet, make adjustments according to how you want to feel, how you currently feel. Three daily gratitudes, and last but certainly not least, adult coloring books. Okay, this is what is going to help that feeling that everything is just happening to you, which is kind of true, but mostly it's not. There are things happening in the world, to be sure, but people will always be getting pregnant. There will always be birth announcements and gender reveals and baby showers and things happening. 

And the best that we can do is just be as compassionate to ourselves as we are. possible and that's what we're talking about with the RAS. How can I shift my focus, alter my filters, so that what's coming to my brain isn't reinforcing the worst things that I believe about my life. Maybe it's just reinforcing a neutral place that you view of your life. Wonderfully so, it could also provide you filters to view the most wonderful parts of your life, even in the midst of infertility and IVF. And that is what I have for you today, my beautiful friends. I hope you have a wonderful week and I'll talk to you soon.