Hello all and welcome back to the podcast. 

Before we get started I want to share a couple of things with you that are new for IVF This. 

Firstly, I have launched mini-sessions. So mini-session are an opportunity for you to get coached by me, at no-charge, just to see what it’s like. It’s 30 minutes dedicated completely to you. So, if you’ve been wondering what it’s like but not sure what to expect- go to my website, wwww.ivfthiscoaching.com and click the “mini-session” button. Schedule a time that works for you, and come with something you want some help on. The more specific the better because it is 30 minutes but it’s 30 minutes that’s really gonna make an impact. I promise you, I tell all of my clients, you’re never really the same after being coached. Sometimes you have massive breakthroughs and sometimes there are little tweaks but you’re never the same. You can also access the scheduling link for those on my FB and IG accounts as well. 

Ok, let’s get down to business. Today we are talking about one of my favorite things to bash and, well frankly, shit talk, and that is Toxic positivity.

I’m gonna spend some time talking about what it is, why it’s so prevalent in the infertility and IVF space, and what are other ways we can manage our thoughts without forcing positivity.

So, let’s start with what Toxic Positivity is- essentially it is socialization and cultural messaging that tells us that no matter how dire or difficult a situation is, people should maintain a positive mindset. The “good vibes only” approach to life. 

My biggest beef with toxic positivity is that reinforces this belief that negative or uncomfortable emotions are a bad thing. That they should be avoided. So, positivity and happiness are compulsively pushed and the authentic human emotional experiences (like negative or uncomfortable emotions) are denied, minimized, or invalidated. 

The pressure to feel and look “ok” denies us the range of emotions we experience as humans. This is a problem for two reasons:

1. It gives the impression that we are defective when we experience negative emotions which then can feed an internal narrative you might have about being ‘weak’ or ‘inadequate’, and 

2. By resisting our negative and uncomfortable emotions, we actually create more of them. Anxiety begets anxiety, frustration begets frustration. By resisting those emotions, we actually make them bigger and MORE uncomfortable for ourselves.  

This is very problematic what those of us that are experiencing infertility and going through fertility treatments because it presupposes that even though we are experiencing pain we have to force or to seem positive in a situation where that is not a natural feeling. Or when there is a problem that legitimately needs to be addressed but it can’t be addressed if you don’t allow yourself to acknowledge there is distress or pain. Toxic positivity, at it’s core, is an avoidance strategy. Either we are trying to avoid feeling a certain way, or other people are telling us how we should feel because they are uncomfortable and want to avoid that discomfort. 

The reason that toxic positivity is so pervasive in the infertility and IVF world is because the shit that we go through is really uncomfortable. There are so many painful aspects to this journey. The pain is visceral. The los is real. 

People don’t want to be uncomfortable. None of us do. What’s more, we’re not taught about discomfort in a way that would lead us to be open to experiencing it. We’re taught that discomfort equals bad. That discomfort should be avoided at all cost. 

So whether it is you trying to force yourself to think positive because you don’t want to feel the discomfort of what you’re feeling. Or if it is someone that you’re communicating with that is uncomfortable, maybe because they are just naturally uncomfortable talking about sex or reproduction, or because of the pain associated with IVF, or maybe it’s because they know that you’re in pain and that makes them uncomfortable. All of these things are commonplace during IVF and so it makes sense why toxic positivity is so rampant, right? Nobody wants to feel uncomfortable. Everyone wants to feel happy and easy breezy all the time. We think we’re entitled to that. But we’re not. 

It’s ok to not be OK

That is one of my favorite thoughts that I practice. I got really good at practicing it after our failed transfer because I could feel myself trying to push towards forced gratitude. Thoughts like, “I should feel grateful that I already have two beautiful and healthy boys.” Now, I’m not saying that I am not grateful. Thinking about my boys I am overwhelmed with gratitude that I get to be their mother BUT that does not make the grief that I experience about that loss any less real or valid. It also doesn’t make it any less painful. 

We can’t, as humans, just choose ONLY the emotions we WANT to experience. It just doesn’t work that way. Now, I do believe that our thoughts create our feelings and that we can choose how we want to think but it doesn’t mean that we get to control the thoughts that automatically come to us. But, most of us don’t do that. Most of us don’t allow ourselves the space or permission to feel an uncomfortable feeling. But feeling our feelings, painful or not, is what keeps us grounded and in the present moment. Allowing an uncomfortable feeling, sitting with it, feeling it- well, that’s the fastest way through it. 

So, how do we navigate this Toxic Positivity culture in IVF?

1.Feel those feelings

Sit with it. Sit with it. Sit with it. Sit with it. It feels like shit, yes. Yes, it does sometimes. But it feels like shit for FAR less time than when you try to avoid or stuff them down. That time that we spend doing that, is EXPONENTIALLY longer than when we just allow it. Allowing an emotion – and if you want a little reminder on how to do that check out my Feel better NOW episode where I talk all about it- is the fastest path to healing. 

2. Remember that people are going to say some bullshit

There will always be someone that tells you to “stay positive” or “look on the bright side” or something like that. It’s expected. When people are saying that, it’s because they are feeling uncomfortable and THEY are trying to avoid feeling that way. Yes, it is dismissive, but it doesn’t have anything to do with you. THAT’s the thing to remember. You getting upset or reacting to that doesn’t serve you in any way. We’re never going to get people to stop saying these things. So expecting them not to, will only lead to YOU suffering. If you expect people to do things, then you’re not going to be disappointed when it happens. There won’t be any reason for you to react to it. 

3.Remember that feelings are not mutually exclusive

Part of our human experience is that we can feel more than one emotion at a time. Healthy positivity acknowledges authentic human emotions. It rejects this all or nothing, either or mindset. It holds that two opposing concepts can be true, simultaneously.  Just because you are feeling pain doesn’t mean you will never again experience happiness. For me and our failed transfer, just because I was grieving that loss didn’t mean that I wasn’t grateful for what I already had. 

4.Plan to be in pain

This is not the doom and gloom it sounds like, so stay with me. So often, we get into trouble because we expect things to look or be a certain way and that we are going to feel good or happy or whatever and then when they don’t go that way- because well, life- it’s like we’re hit by a bus. It’s the double whammy of having the upsetting thing happen but also the disappointment of what we thought it should look like. 

There are parts of IVF that really suck. The waiting, the uncertainty, and that’s not even getting into when we have cycles fail or cancelled, losses or anything like that. 

I was working with a client that had a fresh D3 transfer and was in her TWW. Her beta was still several days away but she came to our coaching call feeling like her period was about to start. She kept trying to tell herself, “no, it’s fine just stay positive.” But that only made her feel worse. So, we talked about what it would mean for her period to come. We went down that worst-case scenario path. This gave her the opportunity to get all of those thoughts out of her brain. To acknowledge that if her period came, that will be painful. That she will experience grief and sadness. She confronted the worst thing that could happen and made a plan for how she was going to take care of herself if it should come to pass. The next day I got an email from her saying, that she was glad that we had spent that time talking about it and planning for it because she woke up to her period that morning. But instead of beating the crap out of herself and all the things that we do to ourselves when our transfer fail, she was able to acknowledge that she was in pain because this was something she really wanted. She was able to move through that pain faster and with less suffering because she planned for it. 

5.Recognize Toxic Positivity messaging

Awareness is a huge part of my work. We can’t fix what we can’t see. Being aware of and seeing toxic positivity for what it is- which is a road to suffering- is what allows us to steer ourselves away from it. 

Here are some examples of toxic positivity messaging we get in our culture:

-Good or positive vibes only

-Choose happiness

-Don’t give up

-Failure is not an option

-It will all work out

-I did it, so can you

-It could be worse

Ugh, just saying those things makes my skin crawl. Yuck!

But this is the messaging we get all day every day. If you’re in some of the IVF FB groups you will see this shit plastered on nearly every comment. It’s like saying, “here’s a shit sculpture I made for you in words that should make you feel better” but forgetting that it’s still made out of crap. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe that people are doing this intentionally. I don’t think we sit around and are like “what can I say that will perpetuate this BS toxic positivity culture that we have and help people stay on the shame spiral they are undoubtably already in.” No, this is such an unconscious part of our programming now because of our cultural belief that negative feels are bad. At their best, these statements are just trite platitudes that let you or other people off the hook from dealing with a feeling. Are their worst, these statements bring up a lot of shame and blame for those of us that are already dealing with an incredibly difficult and painful situation. 

Social media is a HUGE purveyor of toxic positivity. Whether it is in those FB groups, where people are trying to be helpful. Or “influencers” that rarely show faults, flaws, or highlight their own personal struggles. As a result, it gives the impression that everyone is handling things ‘better than you’. So, be mindful of that on SM. Protecting yourself from toxic positivity requires some critical thinking skills and awareness. 

Ok, so that’s what I have for you today. Remember, it’s ok to not be ok. 

Have a beautiful week, my friends. And remember, I adore you and you’ve got this.