Welcome to IVF This, episode 123, IVF, and I wish I would have. 

Hello, hello, my beautiful friends. I hope you're all doing so, so well today. Before we get started, 

I wanna do a little bit of a plug for my YouTube channel. That's right, folks, IVF This has now invaded YouTube. My podcast producer, my amazing podcast producer and friend, Anthony, has been working with me. for a while, because you know, your girl needs some nudges, quite a bit with her brain, but he has been working on making this beautifully curated IVF this YouTube channel that we're gonna start building out over the next month and years and all those things, but it is active, it is live, we have about eight episodes now. At this point right now, you get to see me do the podcast on video. So you can see me in all of my chaos gremlin-y-ness. right there on YouTube. But I would love for you guys to go check it out. If you're there, subscribe to the channel, leave some comments, leave some feedback. That helps it be more discoverable amongst YouTube. And as people search for things like IVF, preferably IVF this, but IVF or managing emotions, any of the stuff that I talk about, it can make it more discoverable from that sense. So please check it out. It's IVF This Coaching on YouTube. So I would love to have you there. 

All right, what we're gonna talk about today is the things that we talk about, the things that we think about that we wish we would have done differently, right? And we all have this, right? I wish I would have lost weight earlier. I wish I would have seen a doctor earlier. I wish I would have started this process earlier. I wish I would have eliminated all of the parabens and all of the sulfates and all of the plastic, all of the scented things in my life. 

We have all of these scenarios, which are actually called counterfactuals. In psychology, that's what it's referred to, and it's this idea of if I had done this, then the outcome would have been different, right? If I hadn't taken a sip of hot coffee, then I wouldn't have burned my tongue, right? That's one of the primary examples people give when they talk about counterfactuals. When we're talking about counterfactuals in the terms of like psychology and sociology, it is a mental representation of alternatives to past events, actions, states, whatever, right? That's what we're talking about. 

So when we talk about counterfactuals, and there are so many of them, and a lot of times counterfactuals are very personal to you. So I'm gonna give you a couple of my counterfactuals, my I wish I would haves, okay? So there was a moment when we were working on, I think I just started medication, like Lupron and stuff like that, for my very first transfer. And it also coincided with going out of town with my boss to, I think it was a conference or something like that. This was when I was in healthcare administration, case management, things like that. And I had forgotten to pack. My Lupron. I know what you're thinking, rookie mistake, and that's because I was a rookie. It was my very first round. We had just done stims, we'd gotten our chromosomal testing back, and we were starting our transfer cycle. So yes, it was a rookie mistake because I was a rookie. That's why it's called that. But there was a moment when we were going through that process, and I got the medication. We didn't have to delay the cycle. All of those things, right? There was a moment during the wait before beta where I kept thinking if only I had packed that Lupron I wouldn't be worried that this transfer didn't work. Right? That's the first thing that comes to my mind whenever I or that's the first thing that was the first thing that would come to my mind whenever I would think how scared or nervous I was. I wish I would have. I should have. All of those are counterfactuals. 

If you're looking to the past, then that is a counterfactual. That is counter to the facts of where you are right now. 

Okay, so another counterfactual could be that my husband and I, we waited the 12 months of actively trying, you know, having sex, all those things before we sought medical attention. And it was also in the process, my husband was finishing his dissertation, he had graduated with his PhD. We were thinking we were gonna be moving from Houston. We didn't know where, because we didn't know where he was gonna get a job at that time. And so it was almost like we had to kind of pump the brakes, but I'm not really a pump the brake kind of gal. And so I was trying to force everything that was happening. And my husband and I actually had a really, really challenging season in our marriage for that, for a lot of reasons. We were relatively newly married. And then we found that I had this giant cyst. It was like a 12 centimeter cyst on my left ovary. And so when we eventually after two surgeries, multiple months, we finally got that cyst and the ovary removed. But I remember thinking if I had just gone to the OBGYN sooner, if I had demanded an ultrasound. then it wouldn't have had to have been a fertility doctor to have found it. An OB-GYN could have found it months before and then we could have gotten pregnant, right? It's an alternate scenario. 

It's an alternate reality from what actually happened. Okay, so those in and of itself, those are counterfactuals. And basically, which I want you to think about is that we think about all that would have, could have, or should have, if only that could have, would have, should have had happened. in the past that somehow would have resulted in either not having to deal with infertility, starting earlier, finding medical diagnoses, paying for IVF is a big thing, right? If only I hadn't taken a trip to Europe when I was 19 years old, now at 32, I could have used that money for IVF, right? Those are counterfactuals, okay? And that's a really important thing for you to understand. 

The idea, the un, really important for you to understand. that all we're trying to do is live under the illusion of control, okay? So I'm gonna describe two reasons why I think that we do it. Now, if you talk to a lot of psychologists, sociologists, they all have, we all have like a school of thought that we kind of pull from. 

Now, from me, I think that the two reasons we do it, number one is that a lot of people kind of claim that by doing counterfactuals, we can actually learn from our mistakes. necessarily agree with that because most of the time it's not fact-based, right? It's not reality based when we're doing counterfactuals, when we're thinking of these could have, what have, should have scenarios. I think about it in more terms of like a distractionary technique, right? If we get to think about an alternative path, an alternative past, an alternative anything, then we don't have to think about the pain and the uncertainty that we're faced with right now. And I want you to really kind of think about that. When you indulge in these could have, would have, should have scenarios, it all results in you not having to either deal with IVF, for IVF to have worked, to have not experienced a loss, for your heart not to be broken, right? So there's not necessarily, unless there was like some big, you know, like me in my case, for getting the Lupron, right? Oh, I could have worked on packing a little bit. paying closer attention while I was packing. 

But most of those could have, would have, should have aren't really reality based. Like there would have been monumental shifts that would have had to have occurred within those scenarios that would create that reality for it to be true. So most of the time it's just an avoidance. It's just a distraction so that you don't have to face the fear and uncertainty that you're experiencing right now. Maybe it's just giving you a reprieve from the pain and uncertainty that you're feeling right now. Okay? So if you're feeling terrible in the present moment, if you're not sure about how maybe you're gonna get through the day, if the pain is super intense, like the yearning is intense, the longing is intense, what feels like when we have in our present moment is something that we really don't want because it's really awful to us, then it makes complete sense that we might distract ourselves from that. In thinking about something that feels less intense and that's what counterfactual thinking provides us. And even though it's not it's not logical it doesn't stand to reason that for most of us I'll just say humans in general we just don't like powerlessness. We don't like feeling out of control so it doesn't have to be logical to feel good right to serve a purpose. So and I'll get to that like being compassionate to yourself in just a moment but I just want you to understand like It makes complete sense why we do it. 

The other thing, again, and it goes back to control, right? We get to have the illusion of control that someone has control in these alternative scenarios. Whether it's us having control because, you know, we went to the doctor sooner or we started treatment sooner, maybe you had an abortion when you were much, much younger. And now that's the counterfactual thinking that you have, right? If I just hadn't done that, then I would have a kid right now. That's still, right? The illusion of control that you would have made a different choice than what you were presented with when you were 18, 19, 20, whatever, right? It's all about control. Again, I'm gonna say it again. Yes, it's illogical, and some could argue a waste of time, but they are there for very specific purposes, right? It's like the purpose is we get to have the illusion of control versus us having to accept that it was always gonna happen this way and that there's nothing really that we could have done about it, right? And I believe that really is in an effort for us to avoid pain, the pain that we're experiencing and again, somehow give us that sense of control and avoid that wretched, wretched feeling of powerlessness. 

So What do you do when you're experiencing that counterfactual thinking? When you're indulging in counterfactual thinking? When you're just doing counterfactual thinking? I mean the first step is always going to be awareness. So I want you to notice, name, and normalize it. It's the first three ins in the four in process. I did a podcast probably over a year ago called The Four Ins and those are the first three steps. Notice it, name it, and normalize it. I don't know that there's a human being that is walking this earth or has ever walked this earth that hasn't had some form of counterfactual thinking. It's perfectly understandable. Again, I'm gonna say this over and over. It makes sense why you're doing it. So the first thing that you wanna do with it folds into the second thing you wanna do with it. 

I want you to practice self-compassion. And I know I talk about this all the time, compassion, compassion. You do not need to beat yourself up over this. You do not need to judge yourself for having these thoughts. We don't need to challenge them. We don't need to disprove them. We just wanna notice that it's happening and that it's completely normal. So you might be like, this is really hard. And I want you to remind yourself, you weren't prepared for this. No one could have prepared you for this and you're still here. You're still fighting for your family, for yourself, whether you're going through treatment or whether you're thinking about walking away from treatment. You are still fighting for your life, the life that you want, the life that you want to build. You are still doing that in the face of something that no one could have ever. prepared you for. Like that is such a beautiful testament to the love that you have for yourself, whether you think it is or not. Right? Just the aspect of you showing up and doing these things, listening to this podcast, seeking assistance or comfort or community around your struggle, around this very painful aspect of your life. that in and of itself is enough. You are already doing more than most people would do. You are now fighting harder than most people have to fight for the thing that you want. And that is such a beautiful thing. So the fact that you're thinking about if I had just replaced all of my Tupperware for Glassware six years ago, I would never be in this boat, that is okay. that's okay and I want it to be okay for you, okay?

 So, sorry, I got off on a little bit of a tangent there but I felt that so purely in my heart. 

But the third thing, probably the most important thing in this aspect and in everything that I teach in terms of long-term responses to this type of counterfactual thinking, the most important thing you can develop is the muscle of being able to let that pain in and be present with it and let it flow through you. Because when you develop that muscle, when you have that pain come through you, and just like a water through a screen or something, let it flow through you, that's when you no longer need to escape. You don't have to do counterfactual thinking because you're already on board for feeling the feelings. You're allowing that to be there. You're... accepting that this is a normal natural part of this process. If you are willing to fight as hard as you are fighting for your family, then you are willing to accept the emotions that are going to come with it. We cannot get rid of these emotions guys. It's not going to happen. They are here. They serve a beautiful, very important purpose to remind us of what's important to us. To remind us of when things are going well to remind us of things when we're struggling. They're beautiful reminders. So letting it be there, that pain is a representation of your longing. That pain is a representation of your love and your desire. There's nothing wrong with that. 

Using it against yourself is pretty counterproductive, but it's there for a reason, and it's okay to let that be there, okay? 

 I keep getting on these really, I feel very passionately today about how hard y'all are working and how hard y'all are fighting and how important that is for you to recognize. But when we develop that muscle, that's when the illogical thoughts aren't really necessary because we've developed the muscle of being able to let the pain and that present moment flow through us. So yes, name it, normalize it, practice that self-compassion, always. And most importantly, we can learn a different way so that our pain becomes a normal part of this experience, a normal part of our human experience. Because while this might be the most painful thing that you have encountered, or one of the most painful things that you have encountered in your life in this present moment, it will not be the only thing, the only pain that you experience in your life. So the fight that you're fighting right now, learning how to do this, strengthening that muscle, is going to serve you for the rest of your life. It's gonna teach you how to teach that to someone else. When you do have your family, when you are trying to raise children, learning this is gonna be invaluable for them to know as well. 

Okay, so that is what I have for you this week. Damn it, I just want y'all to know that I'm proud of you. If you haven't heard that from someone that you want to hear that from, if you haven't told that to yourself recently, I am, I am really, really proud of you because this is hard and you're doing a phenomenal job, whether you want to give yourself credit for it or not. Okay

My beautiful friends, I hope you'll have an amazing week and I'll talk to you soon.