Hello, hello, my beautiful friends. I hope you're all doing so, so well today. We are just... churning out episodes lately, and I'm really excited to bring you this one because there are so many what ifs that go into IVF and infertility and just regret and all of this stuff. So I wanna talk a little bit about what ifs today, give you a few examples, but most importantly, how you can turn what ifs into even ifs. So what ifs versus even ifs is a concept that I've been working on. I've been refining with my clients, with my group coaching cohort. and I'm ready to kind of bring it to you guys. So I'm really excited, but first and foremost, 

I wanna talk a little bit about my YouTube channel. I know I've been talking about it a lot the last few weeks, it's still there, we're still turning up, pumping out episodes. We're still pumping out episodes for it, so I want you guys to see it, interact with it. You actually get to see me talking to you instead of just listening, but if that's not your jam, that's fine too, but we are trying to build out the YouTube channel, so I would love it for you guys to interact, like it, subscribe. comment all of the things that make it more discoverable for other people. I know that YouTube is one of the platforms that people advertise their own podcast or it's another channel. It's another way to interact with my listeners, to the people who are benefiting from this, people who just like listening to this. So I just want to continue just advocating for that and talking about it and all of that. 

The second thing is, is that we're getting closer and closer to launching the next cohort for the group coaching program. So if you have any interest in that, please, please join my mailing list. There are a bunch of different ways you can sign up for the Coping Ahead freebie. You can sign up for the paper, Thinking the IVF This Mindfulness Journal. You could just join my weekly newsletter. Any of those options you can join either from my website, which is www.ivfthiscoaching.com, or you can go to either my Instagram or my Facebook profiles. and just click on the links in my bio and you can sign up there. So lots of different ways for us to kind of get to know each other, talk to each other, and then hopefully you are benefiting from this podcast and you would like to know more about coaching and you can just get on that mailing list. You can hear all about my offers coming up. 

So before we get into the what ifs, I wanna remind you that a couple of podcast episodes ago, I talked about how, what was it? I'm gonna start again, sorry about that. So before we get into the what ifs specifically, I wanna remind you that a few episodes back, maybe three or four, I talked about counterfactuals in IVF, the things that you wish you would have done differently. And that's. similar to what we're talking about, but what we're talking about mostly today, so I don't want you to get kind of confused. That's why I'm delineating it. What we're talking about mostly today is the future what ifs, right? The last time was I wish I would have, and this time is like what if. What if this happens? What if that were to happen? What if I had taken a different road? All of those, they're all similarly related, but the future what ifs are the ones that scare us the most. The future what ifs are the ones that are really painful for us. And so that's what I'm going to be focusing on today. And when we talk about what ifs, that's where we're going to pivot to even ifs. And I'll get to that a little bit later. So the what ifs, what if this doesn't work? What if I have to live without children in my life? What if I never get the family that I want? What if I never get the family that I dreamed of? What if I go through my beta and I get positive betas, but then I end up in a miscarriage later. What if the transfer doesn't work at all and I have no more embryos? What if I ran out of money before I get children? What if, and this is something that I've heard many, many times and it's kind of saying the quiet part out loud that a lot of us are worried about. Like, what if we never have children? Is my partner still gonna be want? What if I never have children? Is my partner still gonna want to be with me? This genuine fear that people have, okay? There's a lot of what ifs just in general, just living life. All of the what ifs, what if I don't get this promotion? What if I lose my job? What if I can't get into grad school? What if I don't graduate from grad school or anything else, right? So what ifs permeate our entire existence? And what ifs are designed to do is a couple of reasons. One, it allows us to, in a way, think about examples of things in the safety of our own mind. Right? Now that has a backfiring effect because very often when we're thinking about our what ifs, number one, they're not really answerable, right? 

Because most of the time when we're constructing a what if, it's like the worst possible case scenario. You are now dead in the streets or destitute or you're living the black and white life of no joy and no vibrancy because of no children, right? So you think that you're doing it. as a way of kind of preparing yourself. Very often it has the backfiring effect of, you're just feeling awful ahead of time, right? And there's no benefit to that. You don't actually gain anything by indulging in the what ifs. Now, I say that, but I also wanna remind you that indulging in the what ifs is a completely normal thing to do. One of the things that our brain hates more than just about anything. is uncertainty and what ifs are an aspect of uncertainty, right? I don't know what I'll do if that's another way of saying a what if right? And I just want to make sure that you understand number one it's a very normal and number two it's not particularly helpful it's not a productive way to go through your life even if you're used to it and even if it's a completely familiar thing you're probably not getting the benefit out of it that you think you are. If you even think there's a benefit to it, right? Some of it it's so automatic, but a lot of us don't even consider that there could be an alternative, like that there's another way to live. Even though, again, you are likely feeling pretty awful when you go through these what if scenarios. Let's talk about pivoting what if. We're not gonna get rid of what ifs. I know, I'm gonna say that again. We're not gonna get rid of them. They're here to stay. It's a game that your brain likes to play, mostly because it just keeps you stuck in this negative thought pattern of all the what ifs and the rumination. It's very hard to get out of that spiral when you're in it. It's not impossible, certainly not. But I think the most important thing that you can take away from this and understanding what ifs do in your life is that it's probably not gonna do anything beneficial. so sorry to tell you that. Be the bearer of bad news. It's not gonna be helpful, probably. Probably, again, I try to stay away from like certain language, that certainty, like it's definitely not gonna be helpful, because it might be, right? There might be scenarios where you can imagine a what if, and it's not dress rehearsing tragedy, and you're actually getting some benefit out of it. But by and large, it's probably not the most beneficial use of your time. It's certainly not the most beneficial use of your emotions and emotional kind of capital or bandwidth. So when we talk about pivoting them, all we're saying is we know that they're gonna come, right? They're like an old friend, maybe one that you haven't talked to. They're like an old friend. You can kind of count on them checking in with you pretty often, yeah? But you can change them. You can reword them to make them a little bit more productive. The idea is that what ifs can create, often, not always, but what ifs can create a sense of hopelessness or helplessness. Either one, not really big fans of. They don't feel good. So when we talk about pivoting, and the way that I pivot them is to turn them into even ifs. The idea behind even if is, hey, how can we retain our agency? How can we remind ourselves where we have control? How can we make this a more productive way to think? So I don't have to walk around feeling like garbage all of the time, maybe just like half of the time. You're probably only gonna be able to pivot them 20 to 50% of the time. I just want you to be prepared for that. You're not gonna be able to pivot 100% of the time. It's just not reasonable. It's not a reasonable expectation to place on yourself. None of the things that I offer you are gonna be helpful or accessible 100% of the time. This is not about revolutionizing your life in a complete 180 all of the time. You're not going to become a new person just because you're not going to become a sustained new person just by listening to the IVF this podcast week after week. What we're going for right now, especially if you're in the thick of maybe grief after a loss or a lot of uncertainty, it's just how can we make this process a little bit easier, right? How can we make this certainty, I'm sorry, how can we make this uncertainty a little bit more tolerable? That's all we're talking about, okay? So when we talk about a what if, so a what if would be like, what if this doesn't work? We're gonna pivot that to an even if. Even if this doesn't work, I will know that I will be okay. If that's too far of a reach, maybe don't know you're going to be okay. Even if this doesn't work, I know how to take care of myself. For that example, I would invite you to go back to the planning for failure episode, whether it's a retrieval where you're monitoring throughout the week, how your embryos are developing or a transfer, either one of those. I would invite you to go re-listen to the failure planning because that's the idea of failure planning is making sure that you understand how to care for yourself. in the throes of a massive disappointment or loss. Okay? So that's a what if to an even if. What if this doesn't work? Even if this doesn't work, I know how to take care of myself, right? What if I run out of money? Even if I run out of money, I can, and this is like a fork in the road, this is like a decision tree. I know I can access additional funds through family, friends, getting another job, or... Even if I run out of money, I will then know that I have literally done everything in my power to get to this place and I can love myself through the grieving process. I'm kind of rebuilding my life in a different way and still finding meaning through this loss. Still finding meaning in my life even though that's not going to happen for me. Right? Or at least not the way I thought about it. Right? At least not the way I thought it was going to happen. And that's a really big thing. That's a really big thing to understand. when we're touting all of these what ifs and we're going through all of these different scenarios, most of the time things don't turn out how we expect them to and then we just decide if that's a good or a bad thing, right? But what if we just decided, hey, it might not turn out exactly the way I think it is and I can still be safe. I can still take care of myself. I don't have to be hard on myself. I don't have to blame myself. I don't have to shame myself. I can still love myself. through the pivoting, through the disappointment, through the hurt, through the pain, through the losses, and through the joys, through the excitement, through the ups and downs of everything that life is going to offer you in and outside of this journey, right? What if my doctor calls and we don't have any embryos to freeze or to test? Okay, even if my doctor calls. and we don't have any embryos to test or to freeze. I can know again that the only thing I had control over was how I thought, how I felt, and how I acted. And I know that I did everything in my power, everything possible to support myself physically, financially, emotionally, mentally. I did everything I could. And so sometimes it is not going to work out the way you want it. But the idea behind the even if, is just allowing yourself the opportunity to show that compassion. I think when I talk about compassion, some people actually kind of resist the idea of being compassionate towards themselves. You probably don't resist the idea of being compassionate to other people because that is probably more accessible, more readily available for you than compassion towards yourself, and that's okay. What we're doing with the even ifs is we're trying to figure out a different way to be compassionate with ourselves. without trying to like force it, without saying, oh, I need to be compassionate to myself. I need to love myself. It doesn't have to be that overt. It doesn't have to be that like explicit when you're talking about being compassionate towards yourself. Sometimes it's just remembering, hey, I don't have to blame myself, right? I don't have to drag myself through a meat grinder to process what's happening. I can process it and remember that I've done everything I could. When we talk about like, what if I can't handle this? There's only ever one answer to that question. And that answer is you can, because you are. I said this a couple episodes back and it's still so, so much on my heart right now. I can't even describe how much I feel this so deeply. There's no way that you could have been prepared for this. for any of this, what this journey has entailed, what the sacrifices, physically, mentally, financially, emotionally, what you have asked of yourself and your body and your relationships to this point, nobody could have prepared you for. So when you tell yourself, you know, what if I could have done more? Like in way, like what if I could have done more in... Can I get that thought out? So when you ask yourself, what if I could have done more in reference to like handling things better? And I'm using all of the air quotes when I talk about handling things. That is the same as saying, that is the same as like being on a long haul flight over an ocean, crash landing there, and then being pissed off at yourself that you don't know how to survive in open water. Like there's no class. There is no person that could have prepared you for that type of upheaval. So telling yourself that you could have that... so telling yourself I can't handle this or what if I'm not going to be able to handle this. That is already providing your brain the direction to judge every single way that you are processing, managing, trying to deal with this situation. You don't have to judge any of it, right? So that even if, if the question is, what if I can't handle this, right? I've handled many things in my life. Maybe I won't, I know that I, this one's a little bit different. I'm gonna do that over again, I don't know if I should. When we talk about what if I'm not able to handle this, what we're wanting to do, and it doesn't even have to be an explicit even if, right? I've handled everything that life has thrown at me. I've probably judged the shit out of it. Probably told myself it wasn't good enough, it wasn't right, it could have been better, it could have been different. All of that is judgment that is not necessary. Because no one handed you a handbook of policies and procedures. for how you specifically are going to navigate this process. Right? I don't give a crap about your friend and how she went through IVF and she seemed to sail through it. Nope, no complaints, no questions, no uncertainty. First of all, it's probably crap. They probably just didn't let you into that, right? Maybe they have a lot of thoughts and feelings around sharing vulnerability. Your girl has that big time. So that's probably not even an accurate thought. That's probably not even an accurate story that you're telling yourself about your friend. But more importantly, that's them. That is not you. You have your own experiences, life lived experiences. You have your own judgments, your own biases, your own situation, your own diagnoses. Like there's so many variable things. And to think that there is a situation in which you could have handled something better implies that there is a different way to do it. But we already know that how you're managing it is how you should be managing it because that's exactly how you're managing it. There's no good, better, best scenario. There's no black or white, this is wrong, that would be right, that's not how we do this, okay? So I want you to think of some scenarios, some what if questions that you ask yourself. How can you pivot them to even ifs? How can we adjust it from that type, that place of uncertainty? from that place of fear, which is understandable, it's not productive, it's not helpful. How can we go from that place to even if? Where is your agency? Where are you in control? Again, it's always gonna be your thoughts, how you feel, and what you do with your thoughts and feelings. Those are the things that you have control over. And those are the things that we wanna highlight. Those are the things that we wanna emphasize. Those are the things that we want to build. on each other. So you can remember even in the darkest moments when you are feeling so vulnerable, when you are feeling so scared, and when you are feeling so lost or out of control or disempowered, however you want to say it, you can always turn to even if I know I and just fill in the rest. That can be your blueprint if nothing else. You guys know how much I love sticky notes and just hanging around my house? so that I can remind myself, even if...I know I...that's your template. Whenever the what ifs come, because they will come, I know I said it earlier in the podcast, those things aren't going anywhere. Those questions are not going anywhere because you have a habit of asking those questions. Habits are not going to die off. In fact, you could probably expect them to amplify in the face of stress because that's what our body and our brain does in the face of stress. That's okay. That is not a problem. Reminding yourself where your agency lies. Reminding yourself where your control lies. Reminding yourself that you don't have to indulge in the what ifs. That's how we get this process just a little bit easier. We're not going for massive sweeping changes here. Those are great, usually not sustainable. We're going for the one percenters, right? What if, I got a lot of stuff. What if my clinic calls me with bad news? Even if my clinic calls me with bad news, and I can take it, and I'm gonna be sad, and I'm gonna cry, and I'm gonna scream, and I'm gonna punch pillows, and I'm gonna do all of these things. And that's how I take care of myself. I'm just gonna let it all out and turn on some sort of rage song or a sad song and I'm just gonna feel it out and that's okay. So even if that happens, I know that I can process through that emotion in whatever way is gonna be helpful and whatever way is gonna be healthy. I don't know, once you go in like a five day drink and drug bender, maybe not most. That may not be the healthiest way to handle it. Right, so we want to pivot to something more healthy, something less extreme, and that's okay. Even if you get bad news, right? I got bad news from my clinic, and so I, you know, binged ate my pantry. Even if I do that, I know that I don't have to shame myself for it. That was what I needed to do in that moment. I don't have to continue doing it. I don't make different changes now at this time or today, tomorrow, whatever. But I don't have to beat the crap out of myself for trying to figure out how to manage some terrible hard painful news. Those are the even ifs. And I guarantee you if you just practice it. And I'll tell you this, if you have some what ifs and you're trying to pivot to what even ifs and that is a challenge for you, like maybe you're having difficulty, email me. Send me a DM. You can email me at hello at ivfdiscoaching.com. You can send me a DM, Facebook or Instagram at ivfdiscoaching. I wanna hear from you. If you have them and you want some pivoting on them, reach out to me, I can help you through that. Book a take your life back call. We can do what ifs and even ifs all day long if we want to, if we need to. If that's what you need to make this process just a little bit easier, I'm here for you. I'm here for that. Okay, if you practice these and you really try to focus on the areas that you can control instead of the areas you want control in, but you know deep down you have zero control in, you're gonna find that this process is not gonna be as pain, your experience of it is gonna be so different. I guarantee you, and I know that because I've seen it. I've seen it with myself, I've seen it with my clients. It's okay. It's a- This process is hard. We don't have to make it hard-er on ourselves. We don't have to make it more painful on ourselves. And that's what the what-ifs to even-ifs, that's that gift that you can give yourself. Okay, that is what I have for you today, my friends. Hope you have a beautiful day and I'll talk to you soon.