Welcome to IVF This, episode 132, Parenting After IVF. Hello, hello, my beautiful friends. I hope you are all doing so, so well today. All right, trigger warning, just the same, right at the top of the episode.

If you are not ready to hear this, if you're not ready to have that conversation, if you're not quite there yet in the process, don't listen to this episode. It's totally fine. We've got 130 episodes in the bank that you can listen to, go back. Skip this week. I know you still love me. I still adore you. It's totally fine if this is not where you are or this is not something that you feel like would be beneficial for you to hear right now. That's okay. It's all right. But last week we talked.

about pregnancy after IVF. Last week we talked about pregnancy during IVF. Nope, still not right. Last week we talked about pregnancy after IVF. And so this week I wanna talk about what parenting after IVF looks like. And for the sake of this episode, I'm gonna stick kind of specifically to like that newborn kind of era, because that is usually when all hell has broken loose and your life is completely turned upside down by this little person.

And so that's what I'm gonna talk mostly about. If you guys want me to do a podcast where I talk about my approaches to gentle parenting or what I consider conscious parenting or intentional parenting, however you, there's a lot of different words for it. I'm happy to do that. You just let me know if that's something of interest for you. But for right now, we're gonna talk about kind of the immediate aftermath, those first few months after giving birth. So similar to last week.

I have a few areas, I've got five things that I really, really want you guys to take home, to take to heart, to really think about because if you thought the emotional and social pressure of getting pregnant and being pregnant, we are in a whole do, what? Whole do? We are in a whole new ball game when it comes to parenting, having that baby home with you after IVF, okay? So just like last week, if you listened to last week, if not, I would encourage you, there's still great gems of information even if you are now in the postpartum era. But just like last week, the whole goal of this episode is for you to take some of the pressure off of yourself. And I'm gonna share a really personal story from after giving birth with my first kiddo. That's actually one of the first things that I'm gonna talk about. But this is a real thing that I have gone through. 

When I share concepts and when I tell you that this is something that I experienced or something that I went through or something that I thought about or did, I want you to believe me. Like these are genuinely things that I have thought about, worked through, made conscious efforts, created awareness, developed compassion. Like this is a very personal thing for me. So that is one of the reasons that I wanted to have this particular episode.

is because I really learned a lot from that first pregnancy. And I gotta tell you, my first pregnancy wasn't even IVF, right? Our very first pregnancy with our now nine-year-old was the result of a spontaneous pregnancy. Like he was our less than 1% chance of getting pregnant spontaneously. Our other two kids are IVF babies. We knew that there was male and female factor infertility and we were about to go through

some fertility workups and start doing IUIs. And then I had a surgery to remove my ovary and then we got pregnant the very next cycle. I know that is not everyone's experience and that's totally fine. That was my experience, but I also had a lot of infertility trauma and baggage that I carried with me. And so that's why I think that this, talking about this newborn phase is such a really important topic for us. Okay, so first and foremost.

You might not be in love with that baby when that baby comes out of you. You might not. You might not experience the thunderclap or the clouds parting and the angels singing and just falling immediately in love. I did not. I was in labor for 19 hours and my oldest, this beautiful little boy was shaped very much like a Tootsie Pop. Long and skinny and a beautiful

bulbous head and he came out the tunnel exit. And so I was very uncomfortable. I was very tired. I was in a lot of pain through my, like when we were in the hospital and then going home for several weeks. Actually, I'd have a couple of surgeries after he was born to repair some of the damage he did on his exit. So I didn't, he kind of looked, he kind of had a cone head and he was kind of, yucky and you did a lot of gook on him. I don't know how to describe it, but it was not a thunderclap moment for me. It just wasn't. And I made that mean so many awful things about myself. Like, you didn't even, do you not even wanna be a parent? What's wrong with you? This is how parenting should look. You worked so hard for this, right? I, that is, those are the things that I told myself. Okay.

Clearly I didn't want it bad enough. Clearly I wasn't worthy. And I remember it was the day after he was born. So he was born about 9 p.m. at night and it was the day after and my mom was up at the hospital with me. I think my husband had gone home to shower or something. He was not in the room. But I remember telling my mom, I think that there's something wrong. Like what the hell's wrong with me that I'm not just in love with this little person? And...

You know, being a mom, she tried to comfort me, and then she said, you know what, Em, are you worried about his safety? Like, do you want him safe? I said, of course I do, of course I want him safe. She said, do you care that he's comfortable, that he's fed? I was like, no. Yes, like, you're almost getting, I was almost getting annoyed with my mom, like, yes, mom, of course I care if he's safe, and of course I care if he's hungry and fed, and all of those things. And then she stopped, she.

and she said, well, maybe that's what love looks like for you right now. Just that. And the rest will come. Because right now you're in pain, you're trying to heal, and your life has been turned upside down. And so maybe right now, that is what love looks like for you.

And guys, when I tell you that was an incredibly profound moment that I still think about, right? When, when my kids are acting like kids, I would say lunatics, but kids and lunatics are often synonymous. And I'm like, what, I don't, I don't even like these kids right now, but their safety is always important. Their safety is always paramount. And so in that moment when I don't necessarily like my children.

I know that I still love them because safety is the first thing that I think about. And so I want that for you. If you have these enormous expectations placed upon yourself or society, we're not even going to count what society tells us we should be thinking and feeling about becoming mothers or parents, but you can drop a lot of that by reminding yourself that everything is going to come.

That love, that thunderclap moment, it certainly did come for me. It came for me a while later. I don't think that I really settled in until probably about six or seven months. I did battle probably pretty significant postpartum depression. I don't think I ever admitted, I don't think I admitted it to myself at the time that that's what it was happening, but I'm now 100% certain I had pretty severe postpartum depression.

for the first 18 months of his life. So it took me a while to really feel that love and feel that bond with him, but it was always guided by safety, right? Until everything else fell into place, I just focused on safety. And I'm gonna talk about that again towards the end. But I wanted to share that story because I think, I think it can really help people reframe what can be a really confusing time.

The moment that baby is outside, you are gonna feel a lot of emotions. You might even feel like a loneliness or a longing because they're no longer in your body. That's completely normal. I've had many people talk about that. You might feel relief that part is over, right? That doesn't mean that you don't appreciate being pregnant or that you didn't appreciate or cherish the fact that you were pregnant.

It just means that you're relieved that part of your journey is over and that you get to start a new one, right? So take some of that pressure off of yourself by telling yourself that you should feel this way or that way You're gonna feel a range of emotions. I guarantee you Okay second one Just what I said focus on survival Drop the expectations to the floor all the way to the no put them down even lower You need to sleep and you need to eat and so does that baby?

Now I am not one of those people who's like, sleep when the baby sleeps, because what are you gonna shower when the baby showers or clean when the baby cleans? No, but rest and food and water are just as important now, more than ever for you as they are for that baby, right? So if you have the means to hire a postpartum doula so that you have extra assistance, if you have family surrounding you, lean on friends, things like that, please,

Please do better than me. I was like an island. I had created myself as an island. We had kind of just moved to the area when we got pregnant and so I didn't have a whole large group, but I have a tendency to turn into hyper-independence when I'm stressed. So I kind of closed down on myself and just focus on what I need to do and don't ask for help or anything like that.

lean into your support groups, lean into your support people. If you have counselors, if you have coaches, if you have, again, friends, neighbors, family, things like that, it is okay, right? And it's okay to be very instructive to those people as well, right? Many people will come over just to hold the baby, and you can tell them, you know what, I kind of just wanna hold the baby myself. Could you do the dishes?

And hopefully, hopefully you have friends in your life who are like, absolutely, let me do the dishes. Can I bring you dinner? Can I make the dinner for you? Can I help you with laundry? So don't be afraid to be instructive with what you need. I think particularly women who are, people who are socialized as women, we have this idea of like, we just take what we can get. That's not true. You can ask for what you need and you can be instructive.

And if people have feelings about that, then they're gonna have feelings regardless, and they're allowed to have feelings and thoughts about that. That doesn't make what you're asking for less relevant, less valid, or less important, okay? So.

Focus on recovery and focus on bonding. I will share another story. I was not, I really desperately wanted to breastfeed. I had actually had this preconceived notion that I would actually have no trouble breastfeeding. Not sure where that came from. I had never had any experience with breastfeeding. But I just believed that it was gonna be okay. I got all the breastfeeding stuff. And when I tell you that,

I was so, my milk supply was so dry that poor child would latch and it would be like powder would shoot out at him. I had no supply. And I hired a lactation consultant. She was absolutely wonderful. But I drove myself into the ground trying to create more milk supply. I was not sleeping. I would feed him and then he would go back to sleep. And then I would spend 45 minutes pumping.

And by the time I got all of that done, I had zero time to rest because he was back up and we were back to that cycle again. Now, I'm not advocating that you need to drop breastfeeding or pick up formula or anything like that. But if you feel like you're placing an enormous amount of pressure on yourself to the point that you're not able to spend time bonding and healing, then you probably wanna take a closer look at that, right? Not that one way or the other is wrong or better or best.

That's not what I'm here to talk about. What I'm here to talk about is how you can heal and bond with that baby. And that should be the focus, whatever that looks like. Okay? Number three, and if you listened to the last episode, this is gonna sound really familiar. Not every moment is meant to be cherished. It's not. Yes, we want these babies. Yes, we have worked so tirelessly to get these babies.

It doesn't mean that every moment of parenthood, particularly in those first three months, is easy or should be cherished or should be fun or exciting or anything. Not cherishing every single moment when you are physically a disaster and healing from God knows what is not a sign of anything more than you being a human that grew a human.

And then that human exited your body either through the tunnel or the sun roof. That's it. It takes an enormous physical hit. I don't know, there's no better word to describe it. Fix an enormous physical toll on your body to do any one of those things, to go through IVF, to grow a baby, and to deliver a baby. Okay? So placing an expectation on yourself that you have to enjoy all of this.

That is a recipe for the opposite. You're just gonna create the opposite. You're gonna create more resentment, more judgment for yourself, more unworthiness that doesn't need to be there. It just does not need to be there. So remember, you will find when you drop the demand that you've placed on yourself to cherish or enjoy all of this because you worked so hard for this.

When you're able to drop that demand from yourself, you will probably find you are able to enjoy those little moments a little bit more. It doesn't mean you're not gonna get annoyed when they go through sleep regressions at, I think it's like six weeks, where they're sleeping all the time, and around six weeks they start to wake up, and they're sleeping a little bit less during the day, they're waking up like every 45 minutes. That's annoying. It is. Now we love them when they're asleep, and we love them when we're awake, but...

That in between times, sometimes it's the only time you have to get stuff done, and it can be annoying and it's okay that it's annoying. That's okay. All right, so allowing yourself to feel all of those things all at once and dropping that demand for enjoying or cherishing every single moment, it's gonna get you a lot more yardage than placing that demand on yourself. Okay. I would say that this is the most important, but they're all important. Let's, let's.

It's not mince words here. None of us know what the hell we're doing, especially not in the beginning. It is not your job to know exactly what you're supposed to be doing right from the beginning. You have this tiny little person that has, is brand new, has never humened before and they have their own preferences, they have their own needs, their body, like that is brand new machinery. Everything is like, hay wiring and maybe they've got reflux or colic or tongue tied or any allergies, any number of things that could be going on. That is a really challenging time. And none of us know what to do until we get there and start making decisions and start gathering information. So don't feel like you have to predict scenarios or anything like that to best anticipate a baby's...

A baby can't even anticipate their needs. What makes you think that you will be able to? That's not the expectation. The expectation is not that you can anticipate their needs. The expectation is that you can meet their needs once you understand what the needs are. And understanding what their needs are is a trial and error like you've never experienced in your entire life. You didn't start, you know, if you have a partner, you didn't start that relationship knowing exactly what their...

beliefs are, what their experiences are, or what their preferences are right from the gate. You had to get to know each other. This tiny little person, this tiny little perfect little person is a complete stranger to both of you. They're a stranger to you and you're a stranger to them. It will take time. As long as you are willing to figure it out, you're gonna figure it out, bar none, right?

placing pressure on yourself, and this comes up a lot, people telling me like, I should know what they need. No, not at the very beginning. What you should do is know that you can meet their needs. That's what we focus on, right? Not anticipating their needs, meeting their needs, right? And if that need includes going to the doctor, you know how to do that. You know how to make the appointments, you know how to listen to the doctor, follow their advice. You did it.

throughout the entire IVF process. That's not a skill that's gonna change right now, okay? So, none of us know what we're doing. I hate to be the bearer of bad news. You are going to do well. You have been training for this for however long you've been training for this.

That’s The last thing I wanna share is that you're gonna do great. You have been training for this for a very long time. And if you're anything like me, you're gonna fumble the bag a lot too. You're gonna do amazing in certain situations and scenarios and you're gonna, not your best work in some of the other situations and scenarios because that's part of learning.

That is part of figuring it out. It's not supposed to look one way or the other. It's supposed to look like all of it. Now, when I tell you that I have had some moments where I really questioned so many of my life choices, like my oldest, my dear, beautiful oldest, when he was mobile, I had set him on a bed and walked away. Of course that baby fell and hit his head. He was okay. I was shaken.

Completely. Like there are things that you're gonna do, you're gonna mess up. Focus on the repair. Just focus on the repair. When your kids get older, you're gonna scream at them. When they're babies, you might even scream at them if you're anything like me. My youngest, she's now 18 months old, she had colic. She had bad colic. She also had a milk allergy, a dairy allergy.

It was really challenging for her first few months. I don't know how many times I screamed, shut up. Not necessarily to her, maybe I was in the different room, but yeah, because I needed that pressure release. And then if I felt like I was getting too angry or if I felt like I could get aggressive, I would put her down where she would safe and I would walk away. Okay, that's the most important thing.

Oh, yeah, yeah. So put the baby down. Safety is your priority, okay? In our family, we have a call and response when my kids are nervous about something or they're scared about something or maybe they're not making the best decision or the safest decision. I'll say, what is mom's number one job? And they respond, safety. If you can focus on safety, I guarantee you it's gonna be a hell of a lot easier.

for you guys to be happier, for you guys to enjoy your experiences. Safety, emotionally and physically, is kind of like the holy grail of what you're looking for. It's not, I want my baby to be happy. We all want our babies to be happy. It's a hell of a lot easier to be happy when you're safe. It's a hell of a lot easier to grow and mature and develop when you're safe.

So if your only expectation is, I know how to keep this kid safe, to the best of your ability, that's what you focus on. Okay?

I want you to trust yourself. You're going to make good decisions. You're gonna make some decisions that you were like, yeah, again, not my best work. I say that to myself a lot. But as long as those choices and those decisions are rooted in safety, you're gonna be making a good choice. Okay? This didn't happen by accident. You didn't become a parent by accident. IVF is

one of, if not the most intentional things that we do. Right? So you have been training, you went through like the Marines hell week, week after week after week, trying to create this little life that you now have in front of you, okay? It's gonna be messy and it's gonna be hard and it's gonna be beautiful and it's gonna be incredible and it's gonna be a bunch of different things all at once.

It is all consuming and it's amazing and it's hard and it's frustrating. It's all of these things. And as long as all of those things, if you're willing for all of those things to coexist at the same time, you're gonna do great. I promise you. And if you need any help with that, just let me know. I'm here.  All right, that is what I have for you, my friends. Have a beautiful day and I'll talk to you soon. Bye bye.