Welcome to IVF This, episode 133, IVF and Windows and Mirrors. Hello, hello, my beautiful friends. I hope you are all doing so, so well today. I'm excited to bring you this episode because I think I've been testing this idea out on a few clients and they've been really receptive to it, particularly around...birth announcements, pregnancy announcements, things like that. So I hope that this is really beneficial for you as the way it's been beneficial for my clients. I do wanna pause for just a second and remind everybody that I'm still doing the take back your life calls. 50 minutes, we get to combine a consultation call and the free mini session coaching calls that I used to do. I've kinda combined them so that you get the best of both worlds because I found that for the mini session, because it was pretty time specific, 30 minutes, and it takes a little bit to get some information and to get some traction, then we weren't really having a good quality conversation about what it would be like to work together. And then during consultations, we weren't really given the opportunity to do coaching. So I merged the two because I get to do whatever the hell I want, that's how I like to run my business. And that's what we're doing now. So we call it the Take Back Your Life Call. My calendar is open, I want you guys to book, even if you are just not sure anything. Like I don't even know what we would talk about. I don't even know what coaching is about. I don't even know if I would want to continue coaching. I've just always been curious. Just book the call. All you're gonna, the only thing that's gonna happen is we get to sit and chat for 50 minutes and maybe, hopefully, no, not maybe, and you'll probably get some coaching on something that's been difficult or painful for you. Well, other than the time commitment, there's not really a loss there at all. So I want you to feel free. There is no purchase required. This is 50 minutes of my time that I give to you guys. So please feel free, book the call, get help with whatever you need help with, I am here. All right, so on to windows and mirrors. Now, if you are a teacher or have experience teaching, this is not gonna be a new concept. I'm just gonna put it in a different way to talk about it in terms of IVF, infertility, things like that. So,

Emily (02:49.57)

The idea of windows and mirrors comes from education, right? Or at least this particular context. And it's the idea that you want to study text, whether that's books, videos, anything that's gonna be information that can reflect your own identity, experiences, motivations, and that those are mirrors, okay? And then you also want to get insights on the identities, experiences, and motivations of other people. And those are our windows, right? And so we want, the reason that they do that in education is to give a really balanced perspective, a nuanced perspective that, you know, this reflects your values or your identity, and this reflects other people's values and other people's identities.really just gives you a nice global critical view of the world and other people's experiences. The problem with mirrors in windows in reference to IVF, infertility, things like that, is very often in the social media driven society that we live in, the whataboutisms that we now have in our culture. I don't know if that's a new thing, but it certainly is a very prevalent thing with the way social media is run is that you will hear someone's experience and you'll automatically try to make that something mean something about you. This was very clear, this is a very innocuous example but I am a member of a Facebook running group, on a Facebook running group. And someone posted in the Facebook running group. I just ran however many miles and I did it in this amount of time. I don't know if that's good or bad. Can someone please give me some guidance? Now, these were incredibly, running times are always respectful. Like there is no bad running time. There is, okay, I just wanna put that out there. I am an average-ish runner. I'm about 10 miles per hour. That's perfect for me at my 39 years of age.

Emily (05:08.734)

This woman was very, it was like seven and eight minute miles. Emily (05:18.178)

Siri decided to pick up on something. Go away, Siri.

Emily (05:26.006)

But her mileage was like seven, eight minute miles, right? And so many people were responding in that thread, well, if that's a bad run for you, what does that mean for me? But that's not, I don't believe, and I do try to maintain a belief that everybody is just doing their best, right? That truly, I don't like to believe that there is malicious intent from many people, that people are just doing their best and I believed that this person was asking that question in good faith. There are people who do not ask questions in good faith and we can sense those people and that's okay. But there were many, many people responding into this thread saying, well, if that is your time, well then what about me? But the post was never about them. And that is something, this what about me-isms that is now so pervasive in our culture is also bleeding into or has bled into or has continued to bleed into, however you wanna say it, into this infertility, trying to conceive IVF community that we have. Good, bad, or indifferent, it just is how it is, right? So what made me think of this was I was talking to one of my clients, and one of the most common things that I hear is, well, how do I not let pregnancy and birth announcements affect me so much? Well.

That's because that when you see a pregnancy or a birth announcement, what happens is instead of looking through the window and seeing this as someone else's experience, you're putting up a mirror and saying, well, what does their pregnancy or birth announcement mean about me and my life? Which I gotta tell you guys is never a good thing. Like it's never, if you are in this place where you want and desperately long for a family, it's not gonna be meaning something good about yourself. It's usually gonna mean something horrible like I'm worthless, I don't deserve this, maybe even getting angry at the other person like they don't deserve this or why did they get it and I don't, right? Which you're not really angry with them, you may be, but generally speaking, you're not really angry with that person. You just want what...

Emily (07:47.878)

what they're experiencing. You want that experience for yourself. Not that you think it should be taken away from them. That's a very different thing. So please release your guilt if that is you. You do not wish bad upon them. You just want that experience too. So I wanted to bring this to your attention. Again, everything that I offer is cafeteria style. If this works for you, if it resonates for you, if it makes sense to you, wonderful. If it doesn't That's fabulous too. I got 133 episodes you can watch or listen to whatever you want to do. Okay? But if you can understand that what you're doing is making something about you that has nothing to do with you. If you understand that you're using a mirror and that what is being reflected back to you are the worst things that you believe about yourself in your life. That's when you get to choose. Is that how I want to view myself in my life? I gotta tell you guys, those first few years that we went through, that we were on our infertility journey, I made everything mean something horrible about myself. Like, I don't think that people can be truly mean to me anymore after all of the shit that I have said to myself. Like, you cannot inflict as much damage on me as I have done to myself and have healed from over the last decade plus, because every time I saw a birth announcement...Every time I saw a pregnancy announcement, and I was in my mid to late 20s, early 30s, so I mean, it was like fucking rabbits. Everybody was having kids, right? And so every time that would happen, it would mean I was never gonna have joy or happiness in my life. I was never going to get this thing that I was working so hard and wanted so desperately, and so clearly I was a failure. Clearly there was a reason that this wasn't happening, right? I was being punished for something that I did in a past life or that I did in this life or that my husband did and I was suffering the consequences. Like the Herculean efforts I went through to try to make it mean something about myself when this person that I went to junior high with was pregnant. I mean, it truly is such an emotionally taxing.

Emily (10:09.362)

unnecessarily emotionally taxing experience. And the only reason it was happening was because I decided that I was looking for a mirror when what I was being offered was a window. I was being offered a glimpse into their life, a glimpse into their experiences. It didn't have anything to do with me. Frankly, it was none of my damn business. But I made it mean so much about myself. horrible, horrible things about myself for no reason. For no reason. I shouldn't say no reason. I'm gonna stop myself right there. There was a reason because I was already in pain. And when you're already in pain, your brain is familiar with pain. And so your brain seeks out the familiar. And that's why usually when we're sick, we also like physically sick, like you've got a cold or You're sick with something, right? You're just sick. That's usually a great time for your brain to offer all of the crappiest thoughts that you've ever had about yourself. Oh, do you remember that time you peed your pants in first grade and everybody laughed at you? Great, thank you brain. While I'm dealing with the flu, I needed to have that reminder and just so viscerally be back in my first grade body, right? That's the reason.

When you're in pain, it's familiar, and your brain just likes to capitalize on what's familiar because that's the easiest thing for it to replicate. Okay, so I shouldn't say it's not without reason. There's a reason. It's just not a particularly productive or helpful reason. And that's a big differentiator. So when you're in those moments, and let's say your best friend is now pregnant with her second baby, and you're still working on your first, it's okay to be sad. It's okay to be angry It's even okay to be jealous. I know we have villainized all of these emotions like jealousy and anger and all that. They're just emotions. They're not a moral issue. If you act on your emotions in a negative way, that then, you know, are you acting within or outside of your value system? That's a different discussion. But if you're literally just having thoughts and feelings, that's all that's happening and that's not a moral issue.

Emily (12:32.194)

You're not a bad person, you're not a bad friend, you're a person who is experiencing pain, and pain is difficult for us as humans because we're told, we're bought this story that we should feel happy and good all of the time, and that is just not the experience of a human being. And so if you are allowing yourself to say, I get it, it makes sense. I want you guys to start, and I think I've talked about this before, I want you to start embracing this idea of your emotions make sense. To kind of piggyback on your emotions make sense, I wanna tell you a little story. September 11th, which I know if you're from the United States it has a very different meaning, but on September 11th of 2020 was the day that we found out that our embryo transfer was not successful. It was a horrible time. And... Facebook Memories, for better or worse, likes to sometimes provide us with a reminder of some of the worst moments of our life. And so September 11th of 2023, I wake up and one of the first things I do is check Facebook Memories. You know, I've got kids that we post on Facebook and so sometimes we get really sweet memories or sometimes it's just nice to get a chuckle out of the things that my, you know, 25 year old self said or whatever And I saw that and I knew that the date was approaching. I didn't remember exactly, but I saw it and I was like, oh yeah, that was a really hard day. And then I got up and I was getting my family ready and we were getting started for the day. And I just, if at my baseline, I am restless, which is probably how I would best describe myself. Today I was irritated, like a.

like there was just something underneath my skin that was constantly just there gnawing at me. And this happened in the span of about 20 minutes. All of a sudden I was barking at everybody in my house. I bit the complete head off my husband, my poor husband. It was just shoulders only. And for the tiniest little infractions, really nothingness. And it wasn't until that evening.

Emily (14:52.062)

And I had actually met with my counselor that day. And I still even then hadn't put two and two together, but I was journaling at the end of the day. And I realized that the first thing I did in the morning was reintroduce my brain and my body because your body stores your, your body knows before your brain does when something doesn't feel right or something is wrong or trauma or grief or something like that my body, that low level irritation that I was experiencing was because of that, was because that there's still an element of grieving for that experience that I have and that I carry with me. It's certainly not nearly as acute as it was, but it doesn't mean it's non-existent. And so.

Emily (15:44.209)

Where was I going with that? Oh, your pin. Emily (15:50.41)

And so when I journaled about that, again, it made complete sense. And my husband was even in the bed with me because it was at night and we were kind of winding down. And I said, I think this is what happened. And the first words out of his mouth was, oh, that makes sense, right? That makes sense why you were raving lunatic at 6.30 this morning, right? Because your feelings always make sense, right? So this isn't about You should only view other people through windows. That's not a reasonable expectation. But when you find yourself looking through a window and seeing someone else's experience and then automatically putting up a mirror and making it mean something negative about yourself, that's the time to do a little bit of a check-in. Like, ooh, this does not feel right. I feel irritated, I feel angry, I feel frustrated I'm thinking all of these things, terrible things about myself and my life. That's like, oh, it makes sense. First, it makes sense why I'm doing this, what's happening. And also I'm putting up a mirror. They're offering me a window and I'm putting up a mirror. And I don't have to. I don't have to make any of this mean anything about me. I am allowed to be excited or happy for them and sad and upset about me. Both of those can exist at the same time. You can have a window and a mirror at the same time. But it doesn't have to mean something terrible about you. When you're allowing yourself to kind of pull away from that, depersonalize it a little bit, make sure it doesn't mean something horrible about you, that's when we feel a little bit more ease, right? I'm not saying happiness, not saying happiness but it's not as hard. It's a little bit easier to kind of navigate through some of those birth and pregnancy announcements. Hell, even some of the baby shower invitations or sip-and-sees or sprinkles or whatever the hell people are doing nowadays. And it sounded like such a boomer thing to say, I apologize. Oh guys, I make myself laugh all the time. But when we allow ourselves to feel multiple things at the same time, the two things can be true.

Emily (18:12.898)

that you can be happy and excited for your friend and sad and frustrated for your situation, right? That both the mirror and the window can exist at the same time, but that doesn't mean anything about you. You don't have to make those things mean anything about you or your life or your partnership, your marriage, whatever your situation may be. It can just be that you're sad and frustrated and that you're excited for them, right? So windows and mirrors, I just want you to kind of think about how you view things and see if this fits, if it works for you, wonderful. Again, cafeteria style. I want you to have that freedom to take and pick and choose what works and what doesn't. But think about it. How are you viewing things through windows and mirrors now? Is your coworker who is...

maybe getting a little bit more applause or admiration from your bosses. Is that grading on you? Why? Why is that grading on you? Is it because you're comparing yourself to them? Are you viewing their success as a mirror to your failure? Well, that's something to check in on. Chances are it doesn't have anything to do with us. Right? I think there was a phrase... No, hang on.

Emily (19:38.51)

There is a quote that I love. I cannot remember who it's attributed to, but it, but the quote is, you will worry less about how people think about you when you realize how little they do. And that's not shade to other people. People are just out there living their lives. But there is a social pressure that we place on ourselves because we think about how much other people think about us

Other people really don't think about us that often or certainly not in the way that we think that they think about us and So I hope that windows and mirrors can be something that you embrace something that maybe helps ease some of the pain and Certainly ease some of the anger that you have towards yourself for the blame or anything like that So that is what I have for you today my friends. I hope you have a beautiful day beautiful week, and I'll talk to you soon