Welcome to IVF this, episode 140: The perfect Journey

Hello, hello, hello my beautiful friends. I hope you are all doing so, so well. 

As you probably already know I took about 6’ish weeks off over the holidays. I was pretty vague when I announced it but I feel like I can share a bit more now. 

Your girl has been struggling a lot the past few months. Physically my asthma has not been well controlled and I’ve had several attacks, and those just take a lot out of me. And then I’ve also been pretty depressed. I lost my soul-kitty, tiger in September, and then I usually get some seasonal affective depression in the fall. Like I love the fall but Emily is solar powered- so I need that light or I start to wilt. Then I wasn’t really taking my ADHD medication -to even say not very regularly would be a laughable understatement. And if you have ADHD you probably know that untreated ADHD presents a lot like anxiety and depression. And if you are already prone to anxiety and depression, as I am, then when I’m not treating my ADHD it makes those symptoms a lot worse. 

But, I’m doing better. I’m feeling stronger mentally and emotionally. I’m still battling some asthma bc in Central TX, where I live, there is this joyous season called “cedar Fever” there this one type of tree stars to pollinate and nearly everyone that lives in this area gets close to death. So there’s a comradere amongst us with red-eyes, snotty nose, and lingering dry cough. But don’t let that scare you into coming to Austin, bc it’s actually a really great place- most of the time. 

Anyway, that’s the personal update. I really missed getting to talk with you, so I’m really glad to be back! Now, on with today’s topic!

It’s been a while since I talked about perfectionism, so I wanted to bring it back today, since it comes up with pretty much every single one of my clients.

In episode 97, I talked about perfectionism as a construct and how it influences us in our IVF journey. But today, I want to talk about the pearls and pitfalls of perfectionism. How we can use perfectionism in our favor during IVF, and when perfectionism is detrimental to us and our IVF experience. And at the end, I’m going to give you some journal prompts that I want you to write about or think about. 

The challenge of perfectionism is that there is an inherent tension that you always feel. You want the ideal to be reality. But the ideal is rarely reality. It can’t be. The ideal world lives in a vacuum, without interference, influence, trauma, history, or context. 

In the book, The Perfectionist Guide to Losing Control- which I HIGHLY recommend- the author says, “The tension of perfectionism emerges from the constant clashing between the two most fundamental aspects of your identity- you’re a full-of-flaws human with significant limitations and you’re a perfect being with unlimited potential. And you’re reconciling the backseat fighting between your limits and your potential is the underlying challenge of perfectionism. 

So let’s talk about the two types of perfectionism: Adaptive and maladaptive.

In clinical terms things like coping skills, behaviors, etc are typically characterized into two categories: adaptative (meaning they support the type of life you want to lead) and maladaptive (meaning they mostly counterproductive and often have negative consequences associated with them). Notice I said “mostly”- while the terms adaptive and maladaptive seem very binary- that black and white thinking that we try to stay away from- neither of these are wholly good or wholly bad. There is a place for both. There will be times that you will experience “maladaptive” perfectionism, because you are human. You’re a human with habits, desires, burnout, heartbreak. And, honestly, one of the best things you can do for yourself is it recognize when you’re doing  or have done something that’s not in your best interest and then love yourself through it. Don’t double-down. That might’ve been the exact thing you needed in that moment- and therefore it was the best choice for you at that particular moment. 

Adaptive perfectionism is like setting some solid goals and standards for yourself, being realistic about it, and maintaining a positive or neutral attitude even when things don't go as planned. It's all about striving for excellence, learning from your mistakes, and using them to grow. On the flip side, maladaptive perfectionism is like setting crazy high standards that are almost impossible to meet. It comes with this constant fear of failure and being overly critical of yourself. People with maladaptive perfectionism end up stressed out, anxious, and always feeling like they're falling short. Unlike the healthy growth you get with adaptive perfectionism, the maladaptive kind just messes with your head, making you feel constantly dissatisfied and stuck.

So, let’s take those definitions and apply them directly to IVF.

Maladaptive perfectionism in the context of In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) involves setting ridiculously high and often unattainable standards (for both yourself and the outcomes) during the fertility treatment process. This leads to increased stress, anxiety, and negative emotional outcomes. Here are examples of maladaptive perfectionism in the context of IVF:

1. Setting Unrealistic Expectations: Individuals with maladaptive perfectionism in IVF might set unrealistically high expectations for the success of each cycle. They may believe that anything less than a perfect outcome is a failure, leading to intense disappointment and distress.

An unrealistically high expectations would be things like: Expecting a Guarantee of Success, Anticipating Immediate Success, Setting a Specific Timeline, Assuming Total Control over the Process, Expecting a Stress-Free Experience (or for you yourself to remain stress-free or low-stress), and Assuming Emotional Resilience Throughout.

1. Fear of Imperfection: Maladaptive perfectionists may fear imperfection in the IVF process, constantly worrying about potential mistakes or complications. This fear can contribute to heightened anxiety, making it challenging for them to cope with the inherent uncertainties of fertility treatments.

2. Excessive Self-Criticism: Individuals exhibiting maladaptive perfectionism may engage in harsh self-criticism when faced with setbacks or less-than-ideal outcomes. Instead of viewing challenges as part of the process, they may blame themselves, leading to a negative cycle of self-doubt and guilt.

3. Avoidance of Risks: Maladaptive perfectionists in the context of IVF might avoid taking necessary risks or trying different approaches due to the fear of failure. This avoidance can limit their willingness to explore alternative options that could enhance their chances of success.

4. Overemphasis on Control: Maladaptive perfectionists often have a strong desire for control. In the context of IVF, this might manifest as an overwhelming need to control every aspect of the process, from medication schedules to lifestyle choices. This rigid approach can create additional stress and strain on the individual and their relationships.

5. Difficulty Coping with Uncertainty: Fertility treatments inherently involve uncertainty, and maladaptive perfectionists may struggle to cope with this lack of predictability. The constant need for reassurance and the inability to tolerate ambiguity can intensify anxiety throughout the IVF journey.

6. Negative Impact on Mental Health: Maladaptive perfectionism can contribute to heightened levels of stress, anxiety, and depression during the IVF process. The constant pressure to achieve perfection can erode mental well-being and negatively impact the overall experience of fertility treatments.

Now let’s talk adaptive perfectionism! 

1. Realistic Expectations: Individuals with adaptive perfectionism set realistic expectations for themselves during the IVF journey. They understand that success rates can vary, and they approach each cycle with a balanced perspective, acknowledging that outcomes may not always align with their ideal scenario. So examples of realistic expectations are: Understanding Success Rates (attrition rates, pregnancy rates, all the data), Recognizing the Possibility of Multiple Cycles (on average it can take 2-3 cycles for success), Embracing Uncertainties 9that’s something I’ve talked a lot about on this podcast, I even have an entire episode dedicated to navigating uncertainties), Acknowledging Emotional Rollercoaster (I know we all talk about the emotional rollercoaster, but I think a lot of us only think about it from an intellectual side until we’re already in the twists and turns of the rollercoaster), Understanding Quality vs. Quantity of Embryos (again, I think most of us understand this intellectually but it still trips us up), adapting to changes in the plan, balancing hope and realism, and seeking support.

2. Learning from Setbacks: When faced with setbacks, such as failed cycles or unexpected challenges, those with adaptive perfectionism view these experiences as opportunities for learning and growth. Instead of dwelling on perceived failures, they seek to understand what went wrong and how they can adjust their approach for future attempts.

3. Flexible Planning: Adaptive perfectionism involves planning and preparation but with flexibility. Individuals are open to adjusting their plans based on new information, medical advice, or unexpected circumstances that may arise during the IVF process.

4. Emotional Resilience: Individuals exhibiting adaptive perfectionism maintain emotional resilience throughout the IVF journey. They understand that fertility treatments can be emotionally taxing and are proactive in seeking emotional support, whether through counseling, support groups, or open communication with their partners.

5. Balancing Control and Acceptance: While those with adaptive perfectionism take an active role in their IVF journey, they also recognize the importance of accepting factors beyond their control. This balance allows for a more adaptive and less stress-inducing experience.

Now, I know that was a lot of information to throw at you, and a lot of examples, but I want you to really hear me say this: we ALLL do a mashup of all of these things. There is no one who has lived, is living, or will live that can maintain 100% adaptive perfectionism 100% of the time. It’s NOT POSSIBLE. Therefore, it is not the goal. 

The goal is to be aware of it, and when you are practicing some more adaptive perfectionism, you’re going to celebrate the hell outta yourself. And in those moments where you’re doing more maladaptive stuff, well that’s when in the words of Ted Lasso “be curious, not judgmental”- yes I know it was a Mark Twain quote but I just love Ted Lasso with all my heart, so I’m gonna attribute it to him. Be judgmental about maladaptive perfectionism IS maladaptive perfectionism. That’s you doubling down on the thing or things that are making you miserable. Not at all helpful in any sense of the word. You’re gonna love on yourself, or maybe even laugh at yourself. You’re going to forgive yourself, or at the VERY VERY least, cut yourself just a tiny smidgen of slack. 

Ok, I know I promised you some journal prompts. These are for exploration. This is a no bullying zone. Remember we no longer double-down on the thing that hurts us. We get curious and we learn. Now, the prompts are going to be more general than IVF specific and that’s bc you are a fully fleshed out human. Your whole world is not IVF. When we can identify the behaviors in the past we want to keep, we know that we can then apply it to other areas of our lives. It’s like strength training at the gym. We also want to explore the times that we have done things that weren’t so good for us and the type of lives we want to lead. Not to drag ourselves, but to learn. To see what it was, and answer why you think you might have done that. Ok, here we go. I’ve got seven for you.

1. Reflect on a recent accomplishment or goal you've achieved. How did you approach this task? Did you set realistic and attainable standards for yourself (adaptive perfectionism), or did you set unreasonably high standards that led to stress and anxiety (maladaptive perfectionism)?

2. Think about a mistake or setback you've experienced recently. How did you react to it? Did you view it as an opportunity to learn and grow (adaptive perfectionism), or did you engage in self-critical thoughts and negative self-talk (maladaptive perfectionism)?

3. Consider the standards you set for yourself in various aspects of your life, such as work, relationships, or personal development. Are these standards realistic and achievable, allowing room for growth (adaptive perfectionism), or do they tend to be overly demanding and lead to stress and dissatisfaction (maladaptive perfectionism)?

4. Explore your mindset when faced with challenges. Do you embrace challenges as opportunities to develop new skills and knowledge (adaptive perfectionism), or do you tend to avoid challenges due to fear of failure (maladaptive perfectionism)?

5. Reflect on the role of self-criticism in your life. How do you respond to your own mistakes or perceived shortcomings? Are you compassionate and understanding toward yourself (adaptive perfectionism), or do you engage in harsh self-criticism and negative self-judgment (maladaptive perfectionism)?

6. Consider the impact of perfectionism on your overall well-being. How does your pursuit of perfection influence your stress levels, relationships, and overall satisfaction with life? Are there aspects where your perfectionism is adaptive and others where it becomes maladaptive?

7. Explore any patterns or recurring themes related to perfectionism in your life. Are there specific situations or areas where you tend to exhibit adaptive or maladaptive perfectionism? What might be influencing these patterns?

Remember, the goal of these prompts is to foster self-awareness and understanding. Be honest and gentle with yourself as you explore these reflections in your journal.

Ok, that is what I have for you today, my friends. Have a great week and I’ll talk to you soon.