Hello, Hello, Hello my beautiful friends. 

I hope you are all doing so, so well today. 

Before we get started, I have a cute lil life update. We got kittens!

I talked about the loss of my heart and soul- Kitty (tiger) in late September. I had Tiger and his sister monkey for 18 years. Monkey is still with us, of course. But tiger and I were very close. 

I knew I wanted to get more cats, not that I don’t love dogs, we’re just not in a place bandwidth wise to take care of a dog right now. But I love cats. I have always loved cats. But tiger and monkey have literally preceded everyone in my family. Like I had them for three years before I even met my husband. So losing tiger was really hard on me. 

But I gave my heart time to heal, and I got a little more serious about getting a cat. Then our friends, who’s kind of an unofficial foster, found a litter of four kittens. So we adopted Patches, an adorable little calico, and her orange and white brother, Cheeto. 

They have been home with us for about 3 weeks. They’re slowly warming up to us. We’re a pretty loud family, just in general. My husband has ZERO volume modulation- his volume stays stuck as “drunk uncle,” so they’re slowly getting used to us, and of course we are also bribing with food. So just a little fun life update. 

Today I want to talk about this idea of “it takes a village.” I’m sure everyone is familiar with the African proverb, “It takes a village to raise a child.” It’s a really common thing to say or hear, but I think the idea behind the phrase is lost in today’s culture. Moreover, I think that, in our case, it takes a village to conceive a child. So, today, I’m going to talk about what I think that proverb means and how you can apply it to your IVF journey, and beyond. 

Let’s take the phrase, “it takes a village to raise a child.” The whole idea around this was that community is at the heart of raising well-rounded, safe, and cared for children. 

Like that’s beautiful. I think we can all, or mostly get behind that premise. The issue has now become, people thinking that logistical or physical help is what it now means. So it’s like taking the community aspect away and making it mean it’s more about transactions- for the children. Do this or that- drop off at school or to soccer practice or something. 

But I don’t think that’s what it’s about at all. I think that the phrase was born out of a way to support the mother, or parent, while they raise their children within that community. Do you see the distinction? The support is for the mother (or parent). Because it’s really hard!

And so is IVF- it’s a different hard, but the existence of one thing, doesn’t mean the absence of another. Both things can be hard- there’s no need to say one is harder than the other. 

So I broke down what these supports would look like into five categories. Is this an exhaustive list, no, but I think it covers *most* everything. 

So it’s: Biological, psychological, social, emotional, and spiritual. 

These are the categories of support that I think can provide you the best support system/ community during your IVF journey. Some of these things, you can give to yourself. Some of these things will be something you will cultivate and build. 

Alright, let’s kick off with Biological- and I want you to know that there are going to be things that will overlap, and that’s totally ok. Ok, so biological. 

Most of us have some sort of biological support: Ob/GYN’s, our reproductive endocrinologist if you are about to or have gone through an IVF cycle, some people might have reproductive immunology, and then if you have any other medical specialties. Like I have my obgyn, my primary care doctor, and my pulmonologist for my dramatic asthma. So, a couple of caveats that I want to acknowledge about the medical community: 1) I am very aware that there are certain populations that have an understandable distrust of the healthcare system, and I’m mostly talking about within the US but not exclusively. And 2) I understand that in the US to a large degree we get to decide whether or not we want to work with a specific dr or group, or if we want to continue working with them, we have a freedom of movement that isn’t enjoyed by other parts of the world. 

Other ways to support yourself are to move your body regularly (not specifically talking about exercise, just moving your body). Walking is a fantastic low-impact, mostly accessible option for a lot of us. Getting adequate sleep. Taking at least. Pre-natal vitamin. You don’t have to invest hundreds of dollars in all of the supplements that are advertised for pregnancy/ IVF support. The minimum is a good prenatal vitamin. Try to limit caffeine to about 200 mg per day- that is the same as the acceptable level of caffeine during pregnancy. If you choose to go caffeine-free you are a remarkable person that will always have my respect. Now, I know anyone who has heard a list similar to this has heard the phrase “reduce stress.” I want to throat-punch people, including drs, that say “reduce stress.” It’s such useless thing to say to someone bc it doesn’t give you anything actionable or productive. The reason it was not on my list, 1) I didn’t want to have to throat-punch myself, but 2) by prioritizing sleep and movement you will already be managing your stress levels. You cannot eliminate 100% of stress because stress is subjective, everyone has a different definition and threshold of stress, and because you likely have other demands upon your time (job, family, etc) and those demands typically come with some level of stress. Stress is not a problem. We tend to judge our stress and make it’s existence mean something terrible, rather than an expected part of life or an expected part of this journey. 

Alright onto the next-Psychological: 

One of the first ways that I you can support yourself psychologically, and this is specific to an IVF newbie, is to educate yourself on the actual IVF process. If I could go back in time, when we first started considering IVF or fertility treatments, I would get better educated on the process. So much of the actual process is unknown and creates an additional amount of uncertainty. And then add in people sharing their own sometimes terrifying or heartbreaking experiences- makes for a very anxious experience. Go to You Tube and watch a 5 or 10 min video (the Cleveland Clinic has a good one) so that you can start to de-mystify the process. 

Boundary setting is a great next step_ I’m gonna specifically talk about boundaries with yourself right now and leave boundaries with  your partner, if you have one, and boundaries around social interaction/ conversation for the “social” section. 

So a quick reminder- boundary is always about YOU. What are YOU going to do, how are YOU going to take care of yourself in a given situation. 

So let’s start with boundaries for yourself: that can look like I am only going to choose this one or two things that I will focus on (let’s say you want to focus on acupuncture and clean eating) great- that means that those are your priority and you don’t then have to go out and spend hundreds of dollars on supplements or throwing out all of your plastic containers, or whatever it is you think you NEED to do. Choose a couple of things, and be ok with letting the rest go. That would be a boundary for yourself. 

Seeking a support system- therapy, coaching, support group, an IVF buddy- these are all forms of a formal support system related to your psychological well being. Informal support like friends/ family I’ll cover in the social section. 

Setting realistic expectations for yourself is going to be another way to psychologically support yourself. Those realistic expectations will be aided by formal IVF information/ education. We all get caught in a flight of fancy of “I’ll be pregnant by this and this time.” I love that, it feels good and we NEED that flight of fancy, otherwise the whole process feels too clinical. You need that sense of wonder and excitement too! But I want you to have a solid foundation of information, too. 

Ok, I’m gonna go a little more rapid fire because I need to get through these so you aren’t here for 5 hours. 

• Consider journaling or other mindfulness activities like meditation or relaxation

• Find things to distract yourself (maybe an art project, a hobby, or planning a vacation ot something)

• Visualize success- I know it might sound a little silly but we can access the endorphins and oxytocin we experience when we get something we really want, by visualizing it.  

• And last but absolutely not least, self-compassion. Compassion, compassion, compassion. You are a human, doing all the things you can do, to make this happen. Go easy on yourself. Be tender and kind to yourself. You may find the process is just a little easier when you are kind to yourself. 

And then some overlap between biological, psychological, and maybe even spiritual would be pursuing alternative therapies: acupuncture, energy healing, massage, or reiki. They can be wonderfully beneficial for your mind and body. 

Ok, social:

Those boundaries I was talking about earlier- so lets talk about them related to your partner. Setting boundaries around when and where/ how you will talk about IVF or fertility treatments to ensure that it does not become the ONLY thing you talk about. Looking back, I wish the my husband and I had set some boundaries around that, to kind of insulate us a little more would have been beneficial. You can also do this with your close friendships or with your family. I think there’s this catch 22 that we want our journey, our struggle, our pain to be acknowledged but we don’t want to feel pitied. We also don’t want it to be the ONLY thing about us. There are a lot of people who don’t know HOW to talk about this hard stuff, or they think if they ask that will be intrusive, or might upset you, sometimes they think by NOT asking they are being supportive. You can be instructive with the people you love and care for- even if you don’t know what it is you want them to do, you can tell them that too. “I want to share this with you, but I don’t know how to or what that looks like, yet.” And we also get to tell people, “I would love to talk about anything else but that.” Or however you might say it- you have the right to tell people what you need. Now, you have no control over whether or not they do the thing. They aren’t required to. People are human and they have their own things going on, we can ask and then it’s our job to manage our minds around the rest. 

If social connection is super important to you, like you have a group of friends that you spend a lot of time with, then maintaining at least some of that during your journey is going to be important. I want to acknowledge that the social aspect can be tricky bc often people can say thoughtless things- unintentionally, I like to believe, but thoughtless nonetheless. You won’t be able to insulate yourself from that, but you do get to choose how you want to react or respond to it. For instance, someone in your friend group announces their pregnancy. You get to decide how you want to think and feel about that announcement. You are not a horrible person if you feel jealous or envious of them. Those are normal human emotions. You don’t have to judge yourself for having a human experience. 

Another aspect of social support is social media- and this is not an argument about accessing social media as a mechanism of support, but rather I would encourage you to be VERY discerning about your social media usage during this time. It is far to easy, and the likelihood of being exposed to trauma dumping and doom scrolling is so high. And for a lot of us, there gets to a point where if being part of those communities was helpful, it is no longer helpful and might even be causing more pain. If you wonder if it’s causing more pain, than helping, I would just invite you to notice how you feel when you log on, or start scrolling. Your body will tell you if it’s helpful or hurtful, so just notice how you’re feeling. 

Emotional support- There’s a lot of overlap with the psychological supports. But one thing I want to make super clear in this section is that you can tell people what you need from them. You can be instructive, “hey, I just really need someone to sit with me while I cry.” “Hey, I don’t really need a pep talk, I just need to be comforted.” “Hey, I know you’re trying to be helpful, but I don’t want to hear about how your yoga instructors, third-cousins, car mechanic’s sister got pregnant with only the assistance of pomegranate juice, and a plucky attitude.”

I truly believe one of the reasons that IVF can feel so emotionally stifling, is because we have been taught, socialized to accept whatever is told to us, because we don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, or make anyone else feel some type of way. Like we’re more comfortable with us feeling some type of way, than the thought we might make someone feel something. News flash, we cannot make someone feel anything. If you were to tell your best friend, hey that’s not really helpful, this is what I need- they, ethe best friend, gets to choose how they feel about it. Their emotional experience is theirs to have. Just like yours is yours to have. And I completely understand that in those moments, we tend to freeze. I have done that, so many times. And if that’s the case, and this is a person you love, know that they love you, and you’re committed to fostering that connection- reach out to them after the exchange. Not in a finger pointing, accusatory way. But in a “hey, you’ve asked me how you can support me, and here are some ideas or thoughts or whatever.” People live in their own heads and their own lives. They cannot and should not be expected to read our minds and keep our experience front of mind. We owe that transparency to ourselves and to those important relationships. 

Another aspect of emotional support that I want to make sure we cover is dropping the judgment around you and what you’re emotional experience is- you are not a horrible person. You are not a crazy person. You are an emotional complex human, just like the rest of us- in an exceedingly challenging situation. You have every right to FEEL how you feel. You seeing a birth announcement, pregnancy announcement, gender reveal and having a moment of jealousy, anger, questioning fairness, no matter what that emotional experience is I want you to remind yourself, “It’s understandable that I am feeling this way, and my feelings don’t mean anything about myself as a person.” Because they don’t. If you are not actively making choices to be intentionally mean or cruel- you are then only experiencing a feeling. A feeling that that other person is not experiencing. You have not done anything wrong. You have had a feeling. 

When we drop that judgement, and we acknowledge what we’re feeling, and that it’s a completely normal human reaction- it just makes things easier on ourselves. 

And finally, Spiritual support- and this can look like many different things that maybe have nothing to do with religion. If you are part of a religious community and you find solace and support in that, that’s wonderful. But that experience isn’t exclusive that. 

Some examples could be: prayer or meditation, specific spiritual counseling, creating or maintain spiritual rituals like candle lighting, meditations, affirmations, things like that. 

Other examples of spiritual support can be: Connecting with a higher power based on what you might believe, volunteer work, a gratitude practice, getting out into nature, energy healing, reiki, creating a sacred space for yourself.

Again, this is by no means an exhaustive list BUT I do believe that these five elements: biological, psychological, social, emotional and spiritual are the elements that make us the fully formed humans that we are. I know for myself, I felt like I lost so much of myself. Like there were times, where I genuinely felt like my only existence hinged and focused on getting, being, and staying pregnant. And so many of my clients feel the same way. 

We were whole-ass humans before we started on this journey and your future family also wants and needs you to feed and nourish yourself, wherever and whenever you can. Consider this your reminder that IVF or infertility is PART of your story and your life, but it is not everything. Because YOU are everything. And I want each and every one of you to remember that. 

Ok, that is what I have for you this week. Have a beautiful rest of your week and we will talk soon.