Welcome to IVF This, Episode 142 IVF and Feeling Stuck

Okay, let’s jump into the topic. I coach a lot on this subject. People bring this to me a lot during mini-sessions, that they’re feeling stuck around something and I too have felt stuck so many times and have had to get coaching on that subject and have had to coach myself on that subject. So I'm hoping that in talking about it we can just save you a little bit of pain and suffering here. Because this really isn't as difficult of a fix as it seems but I know that when I have felt stuck in the past it hasn't seemed like an easy fix. 

It kind of can feel like an impossible task actually. You kind of don't know what to do. You feel maybe frustrated. You might feel powerless. You might feel helpless or hopeless or angry even when you are having that stuck experience. So if this is you, I get it. And I want to talk briefly about why it happens and then three ways you can do to improve your mindset, without me. Not that I don’t want to help you but I the vast majority of you, I never get to meet, so I want you to have this information too! 

So first of all you've heard me talk about thoughts causing feelings and this is no exception. Now, let me be clear! There are moments, especially in the “hurry up and wait” nature of IVF that it feels like WAY more than a thought. You’re like, “No Em, I get what you’re saying but this is actually something. I’m stuck because we have to do more testing, or I have to down-regulate my hormones for three months, or I have to wait X number of cycles for my insurance or my body.” I hear you! I do. There are so many moments throughout this journey that we feel helpless to other peoples timelines or schedules. And that is kind of true and kind of not. We still have agency in that, and I’m gonna talk more about that when I get to the three ways to get un-stuck. 

In the moment when we are feeling stuck or when we are thinking of our situation as something we are stuck with or stuck in or we’re telling ourselves, “I am stuck”, it will seem like it is the truthiest truth of all of your truths. It will seem like we are just describing the reality of what is happening in our world from and objective standpoint. But what’s really powerful to know is that the idea of being stuck isn’t actually a real thing that exists outside of our mind. And I don't tell you that so you will question your sanity or make yourself feel bad. 

I tell you that to empower you. Stuck is something that only exists in our thoughts; how we think about our lives, our journey, our future, and ourselves. Stuck is NOT a fact. It can’t be proven in a court of law. It's not a place on a map. It's not a universal truth, and that's good news. When it’s happening to us, when we are experiencing it, it won't feel like it's an idea in our mind. It will feel like it’s just the truth but really I’m stuck, it’s just a thought, it’s a sentence in your mind. 

And when you think it and when I think it, it doesn’t make you feel good, probably makes you feel frustrated, maybe powerless, helpless, scared. We all feel probably slightly differently when we think it, but thoughts cause feelings and when we’re thinking, I'm stuck, we don’t feel good. We feel icky, stuck. I would argue that stuck is not an emotion, it’s actually just an idea. It’s just a thought, it’s not a feeling. But you know what I’m talking about. When you’re thinking that you’re stuck, it's easy to believe that it's a fact but stuck is not a thing. It only exists in our mind. And if you’re new to this work, or new to me, I want you to go back and listen to the episode called The Think, Feel, Do Cycle- that’s the title of it. It goes into much more depth about how our thinking creates our emotional experience, thereby driving us to do or not do certain things. 

And the crux of a lot of my work is that we don’t have to believe thoughts just because they show up. Many, many thoughts show up that are completely useless to us. And if I'm stuck is one of those thoughts that you’re believing and it is in your way, you don’t have to believe it just because it shows up. One of the things that I work on with my clients is what’s called cognitive diffusion which is the fancy way to say “you are not your thoughts.” 

There’s you and there are the thoughts/ images/ cognitions in your mind, THEY’RE different. And once we can separate ourselves from the thoughts that we think then we can decide how we actually want to think. Like intentionally decide, am I going to try to shift to something more productive? Or am I going to keep bullying myself? And let’s be honest, bullying ourselves comes MUCH more easily and naturally and like your default setting, than slowing down, separating yourself from the thought or the experience, and then reframing. All that to say the goal is not 100% of the time. Now, I know my people. We are the Type-A perfectionists that want what we want now, the flip to be switched, and for it to always be set to “on.” We call that an UNrealistic expectation, my beautiful friends. UN-realistic. 

All I want you to do, to start is imagine what would the same situation be like without that thought, I'm stuck? What would it be like to not believe the thought, I’m stuck? What would open up for you if you could get some space from that thought, if you could pull back from it, if you could zoom out, if you could see it as just a sentence, if you could actually not believe that it was true? How is it possible that you are not stuck? Can you find evidence for the opposite? Because what the brain is looking for is what the brain finds. It’s like a brain-specific filter, where you believe something and so your brain goes on the hunt for evidence to back it up; no matter if the thought is helpful or not. No matter if the thought is true or not. 

So if we continue to think I'm stuck, the filtering system in our brain will continue to show us evidence of how we are stuck. And how we feel determines how we act. So when we’re feeling frustrated or powerless or helpless or scared, we don’t take productive action. We’re not able to problem solve from that space so what do we do? We reinforce this idea that we’re stuck. We believe it even more. And then we can’t solve our own problems because we don't realize the solution is actually in the mind, that's where the problem started is this idea that we’re stuck and it’s not actually true.

I think one of the most common thoughts, that might not seem like it creates a feeling of stuck, is the thought, “I or we have to do IVF.” And lemme tell you, I have said and felt this thought to my CORE for over half a decade. On the surface that might seem or feel true, goodness knows it felt so true to me, but it also doesn’t give you any agency. In fact, that thought on top of making you feel stuck, is completely deflating because it is entirely outside of you. Your life and your future happiness are entirely dependent on having access to IVF, and success with IVF. That is offloading your ENTIRE emotional state and well-being to a situation and a process that you don’t have control over- well, at least the outcome. 

So here is how I want you to start taking your power back. 

1. I want you to try tapping or a mindfulness meditation. There are so many layers of emotions that we experience that we have to sift through before we can get to any cognitive work. The feelings, especially if you’re in the thick of a big feeling, has to be dealt with first, otherwise, trying to do cognitive work is going to feel like Charlie Brown listening to his teacher- nothing will stick. 

I’ve linked a great intro to tapping video and one of my favorite mindfulness meditations in the show notes. I’ve talked about tapping, some, on the show before. I had a colleague, Sarah, someone and talk about Tapping and her group coaching program called “Fertile Mindset.” It’s a fantastic group and I adore Sarah. So if you want some more background on Tapping, check out that episode, or her group. 

I know a lot of you, if you’re anything like me, might balk at meditation or tapping. But in the next point, when I talk about reframing your thoughts, those reframes will likely not be believable (which is one of the most important aspects of cognitive reframing) so the reframe itself will not be accessible to you so they won’t work. Longterm, they will not be effective. 

So I implore you! Please check out tapping and/ or meditation. I prefer tapping bc my neuro-spiciness makes it hard for me to sit still and stay focused on the meditation, so it’s more effective for me to feel like I’m actively “doing something” so tapping is more my speed. 

But you know me, everything here is cafeteria style- we’re just trying on things until we find something that works. 

So if you do try tapping, start tapping on the side of your hand and it can be even though I feel so stuck it’s okay for me to love and accept myself, three times. Even though I feel so stuck it’s okay for me to love and accept myself. Set it up, state the truth, even though I feel so stuck. And then you follow it with a grounding statement that feels true to you. So if it’s okay to love and accept myself doesn't feel true to you then tap with something else right here and right now I'm safe, or this is the truth of how I feel. But we acknowledge the truth and then we ground ourselves. 

And then we just tap through the points. I feel so stuck. This stuck feeling, if you have an emotion, name it, all this fear, so powerless. Whatever it is you just have to tap through the points and you state what feels true to you until it shifts. And it will shift if you keep with it long enough. You don’t have to believe tapping will work for it to work. You just have to do it and let it be weird if you haven’t done it before. 

And then when the emotion isn't so intense, when you actually do feel safe and you kind of notice your shoulders drop and it feels like you can breathe again and you can think again. Then you can choose a different thought. 

And again, the meditation that is in the show notes, it’s one of my favorites for allowing and processing feelings, so again, you can get to the place, where you can start to reframe your thoughts. Which is number 2.

2. Reframing or challenging your thoughts is like the bread and butter of my work with clients. 

Reframing has roots in CBT and positive psychology. The idea behind reframing isn’t that you’re like an apartment landlord just slapping a coat of bright white pain on a shit-stained wall. It’s that you are reframing unproductive thoughts to believable, empowering, and productive thoughts. 

So here’s a few examples:

I’m waiting to get my period so we can start our next round ->

 We start our next round after my next period – it’s a subtle shift, and it’s still true but there is an inherent negative connotation to “waiting” we don’t like to do it, so thinking about that being what we’re doing doesn’t feel good. 

Another one:

“I can’t do this” 🡪 I can do hard things even when I am scared/ overwhelmed/ anxious” 

“This is taking forever” 🡪 “I am committed to this process.”

“I hate my life” 🡪 It is really hard to want something and work hard for it, and not have it yet. And that is ok, but it doesn’t mean my entire life is bad. I just wish this part was different. 

“I’m not doing well.” 🡪 “I want to make my mental health as much of a priority as my physical health during this process. I am resourceful and can figure out how to build a strong support system.”

“I need to stress-less” 🡪 “I am a human, in a stressful situation. I am learning how to/ prioritizing myself to make sure I am in the best place mentally and emotionally for this process.”

And I get that not all of these directly referred to “stuck-ness” but that’s whats so insidious about that “I am stuck” thought, it can look and sound like so many things, but the end result is the same. 

Ok, and lastly, and this is always going to be something I suggest. 

Be so gentle and compassionate with yourself. No one has a “how to people during IVF” handbook for us to follow. We just have to be willing to be compassionate to ourselves and be ok with LEARNING. This is not some sort of divine knowledge I woke up with one day. I had to LEARN this stuff. Both personally, during our own IVF and infertility, and professionally. 

You can learn it too. I am not special in this. You have all of this inside you already. You will get there, and I will be with you the whole way through. 

Ok, that is what I have for you today, my friends. Have a great week and I’ll talk to you soon.