I’m just jumping in today bc I realized I’ve never really talked about feeling like an outsider during IVF, when I think it’s probably one of the most universal experiences for anyone who has experienced infertility, miscarriage, or fertility treatments. 

So first, let me say. You’re not an outcast, but I know that feeling all too well. 

So, I’m going to share with what you can do about that, so you don’t always feel like you’re an island by yourself.

So the first thing I want you to understand is that our brain has a built-in negativity bias. And for our survival this is a good thing. Our brain is constantly on the lookout for threats and dangers and anything that would hurt us and kill us. And in the modern times that we live in, there aren’t that many dangers and threats that could really kill us. I’ve talked about this a lot on the podcast. 

There used to be a time where it was literally dangerous to walk outside of the cave that we lived in. There really were animals trying to kill us. It really was a much more dangerous place to be than it is now. Now it’s not so dangerous but because that negativity bias in our brain didn’t change, our brain is still looking for all the dangers. And now the dangers can translate into social threats, emails, people rejecting us, people judging us. Those all feel like threats to our survival to that part of our brain that is old and predisposed to focus on the negative. 

It’s a good thing that that part of our brain exists. We actually want that part of our brain to be there because we don’t want it to give equal weight to the amazing things. We really do want it to pay attention to things that keep us alive. But knowing that that’s how our brain works is powerful. We want to be able to go, “Okay, am I actually in danger? I know it feels like my brain is hyper focusing on something here, but am I actually in danger?” Does this perceived threat translate into an actual threat? And where is it showing up in my life? 

Because sometimes it can be subtle as in the case of feeling like an outcast as a IVF’er, feeling like you are different than the others. Which we are in a way, but that doesn’t mean it bad. It doesn’t seem like a big threat. It’s subtle, but yet there it is. And we are living in a world where very few actual conversations, human to human conversations happen. Most of the information that we get about the people in our lives and how they’re doing, or other IVF’ers and how they’re doing comes from social media. And guess what people are posting on social media? Guess what they’re not posting on social media? 

How the couple that got pregnant the month after trying, have been fighting a lot. How even though she is pregnant and seemingly easy so, she feels completely alone. 

How your friends, real friends, the ones you love and know love you back, worry about saying the “wrong thing” so much that it causes them to shut down and not reach out. And then they chastise themselves for being a terrible friend. 

How your sister or SIL is freshly pregnant, and your parents (or in-laws) are ecstatic and talking about how they “weren’t sure they would get to be grandparents” but that’s a reflection of their fears, not that you have done something wrong or anything like that. 

We don’t see many posts on SM, especially around pregnancy, and motherhood, that aren’t perfectly coiffed and curated to reflect completely unrealistic standards and expectations. 

We don’t hear about how other people feel they’re worthless because of not having children yet, or an infertility diagnosis, or because IVF or fertility treatments haven’t worked yet. 

We do get a lot of trauma dumping. Which is understandable, because most people don’t know how to communicate their heart or struggle without doing that. But that can sometimes be harmful to people who are prone to taking on the feelings and experiences of others. 

So we need to be aware of that because our brain’s negativity bias combined with highly curated online messages can really reinforce our belief that we’re isolated or our belief that we are the only ones or that nobody understands. So we’ve got to be aware of that because it’s inaccurate and it’s not helpful. What’s really true, and I can speak for my coaching experiences and community, is that there are all shapes and sizes of infertility/ IVF experiences, all kinds of mental health challenges happened or are happening, romantic or other relationship challenges. 

Things said to us, that could reasonably get a throat-punch if said to, let’s say a man. There are so many things people aren’t really talking about to their friends or sharing on social media. But because I’m the one coaching people who are being very vulnerable and honest with me, I can assure you that most people’s real experience was not a fairytale. There may have been amazing things about it, but there were also not so many amazing things about it. There were all kinds of experiences. We just don’t typically talk about them in public settings. I don’t think anybody’s family planning journey is perfect. 

I think it’s super easy after having your baby to only talk about the things being amazing, to kind of put them (the baby) on that pedestal. We do this a lot and whether intentionally or not, to minimize the realness, the rawness, the actuality of what was going on. 

And so what I want you to know is that if you’re feeling alone because you’re not yet a mom, or you haven’t had another baby and comparing yourself to your friends, family, or colleagues and their family planning journey- it’s not because there is something wrong with you. It’s a function of your thinking. If your brain is scanning the environment and looking for how you’re different and making you feel bad. That doesn’t mean your brain is defective. Your brain is doing what it was designed to do to keep you alive. 

And you want to ask, is this real or is this just perceived? Because chances are, it’s just your brain being hypersensitive to negativity, to that bias and perhaps worsened by the fact that most people aren’t being super honest about the realness of their experiences. And what I think and what I have experienced when I work with women is that I can help with a lot of kind of surface things. 

But the deep work, the powerful stuff, the stuff that makes you feel like you lost 100 pounds of emotional baggage requires a level of vulnerability and honesty that only exists when you’re in the right community. When you’re surrounded by women who are willing to love you for whatever, not because you’re amazing. I mean, of course you are amazing, but accepting that you are amazing and also you are flawed because we’re human and that’s the way of it. Gives you the ability to talk about what was real for you, what was actually going on in your life, your body, and your mind. 

That thing that you’ve been shaming yourself for can come to the light, and because it can come to the light, then we can unchain it. And that only happens when you believe that it’s not just you. So of course my hope is always that you’re going to come to my IVF This Group Coaching program because that’s where I do what I do. And I know it to be an incredibly welcoming environment, incredibly welcoming. 

And also if you don’t do that and you do want help, you can find a support (1:1 coaching, therapy, support group), you’re going to need to find a community that doesn’t try to make it all roses, that doesn’t expect you to be perfect. And that that is a place where you can feel comfortable being vulnerable and talking about what was actually going on. So that you can un-shame it and you can let go of that emotional weight that you’re carrying around. So we love our brain. We love them and they’re trying to keep us alive, these brains, especially that old part of the brain. It’s always scanning the environment for danger. 

So if you’re feeling isolated it might just be partially because your brain is scanning the environment looking for danger. Also be wary of what you see on social media and the surface level conversations that are happening among people that you know. Know that there is more to that. Remind yourself there’s always more and there’s nothing wrong with you if it none of this is amazing and rosy and fantastic. That’s not really how human experiences work. There might be amazing moments, but they’re not all amazing and you’re not alone in that. 

That is what I have for you this week, Have a great week, and I’ll talk to you soon!