IVF This Podcast Episode #145 IVF And Self Worth
Welcome to IVF This, episode 145- IVF and self-worth
Hello, hello, hello my beautiful friends. I hope you are all doing so, so well today. Whatever day you happen to be listening.
I was looking at some of my previous episodes, just thinking forward for some future episodes and I realized that I’ve never really talked about self-worth. Like I have in a lot of episodes, or at least alluded to it, but I have never dedicated an entire episode to it, so here we are.
I want to talk about self-worth bc it comes up with every single one of my clients.
So we’re gonna rectify that today!
So, first things first, I am going to delineate self-esteem vs self-worth, so we all start on the same page, then what low self-worth can look like during IVF, and how you can start to build or rebuild your self-worth, even during infertility and IVF.
Self-esteem and self-worth are related concepts, but they have distinct meanings and implications:
Self-Esteem:
Definition: Self-esteem refers to the subjective evaluation of one's own worth or value based on perceived competence, abilities, achievements, and how one believes others perceive them.
Focus: It is primarily focused on evaluating oneself in specific domains such as academic performance, career success, physical appearance, social skills, or other areas where individuals may excel or struggle.
External Validation: Self-esteem often relies on external validation and feedback from others. Positive feedback or success in areas important to an individual can boost self-esteem, while criticism or failure may lower it.
Fluctuating: Self-esteem can fluctuate over time based on external circumstances and experiences. It may vary in different areas of life and is susceptible to change based on achievements or setbacks.
Self-Worth:
Definition: Self-worth, also known as self-value or self-respect, refers to the inherent sense of worthiness and unconditional value that individuals attribute to themselves simply by virtue of being human.
Inherent and Intrinsic: Unlike self-esteem, which is often tied to specific achievements or external factors, self-worth is seen as inherent and intrinsic to each person, regardless of their accomplishments or failures.
Unconditional: Self-worth is considered unconditional and not dependent on external validation or approval from others. It encompasses a fundamental belief in one's inherent value and worthiness as a human being.
Stability: While self-esteem can fluctuate based on external factors, self-worth is often more stable and enduring. It is not easily shaken by external circumstances or setbacks because it is rooted in a deeper sense of self-acceptance and unconditional value.
TLDR, self-esteem is more focused on evaluating your abilities, achievements, and competence in specific areas, often influenced by external feedback, while self-worth is a broader and more fundamental belief in one's inherent value and worthiness as a human being, independent of external factors.
While self-esteem can fluctuate based on achievements and external validation, self-worth is considered more stable and enduring, providing a foundation for resilience and well-being.
Alright, so think of self-esteem as how you feel about yourself based on what you do and how others see you. It's like your confidence level and how you rate yourself in different areas, like school, work, or relationships.
On the other hand, self-worth is more about the overall value you place on yourself as a person, just because you're you. It's like the core belief you have about your own value and deservingness, regardless of what you achieve or what others think of you.
So, self-esteem is kinda like the grades you give yourself in different parts of life, while self-worth is more about the deep-down feeling that you matter and deserve good things just because you exist.
Ok, so we’re all on the same page about what self-worth actually means.
So, I’m going to offer a few examples, I guess I am underselling a few examples, I think I have like ten-of how self-worth is impacted during infertility and IVF- this is not an all-inclusive list, but I think it’s enough to help create that awareness we’re always after.
Feeling Inadequate or Flawed:
So many, I mean almost all of us, myself included- internalize feelings of inadequacy or we perceive ourselves as flawed because we require medical intervention to conceive. If I had a penny for every time I have heard or thought, “My body can’t do the ONE thing it’s supposed to do. ”That’s what we’re talking about here. This belief, and similar ones in this same vein, erodes our self-worth, leading to or exacerbating, feelings of worthlessness or incompetence. This thought reinforces the
Sense of Failure:
When we have unsuccessful IVF cycles (whether that’s for the stim cycle, not getting any blasts, nothing after sending for testing, or transfers) or the inability to conceive despite every effort can lead us to perceive ourselves as failures. Like we internalize those failures to mean something about us and our lives. This perceived failure can deeply affect self-worth and contribute to feelings of disappointment, shame, or unworthiness.
Comparison with Others:
Comparing oneself to friends, family members, or societal norms of fertility can exacerbate feelings of inadequacy and diminish self-worth. Witnessing others' successes in conceiving naturally or through IVF may lead to self-comparison and negative self-evaluation.
Loss of Control:
The IVF process often requires individuals to relinquish a sense of control over their reproductive journey to medical professionals. Feeling powerless or helpless in the face of infertility and relying on external interventions can undermine self-worth and autonomy.
Stigma and Shame:
Societal stigma surrounding infertility and assisted reproductive technologies (ART) can contribute to feelings of shame and worthlessness. Internalized stigma may lead individuals to question their self-worth based on their inability to conceive naturally.
Financial Stress:
The high cost of IVF treatment can lead to financial stress and feelings of inadequacy if individuals equate financial stability with personal worth. Inability to afford treatment may exacerbate feelings of failure and self-doubt.
Relationship Strain:
Difficulties in the IVF journey, including emotional strain and disagreements with partners, can affect self-worth within the context of relationships and parenthood aspirations. Comparing one's worth as a potential parent to that of their partner can exacerbate feelings of inadequacy.
Body Image Concerns:
IVF treatments often involve hormonal medications and invasive procedures that can impact body image. Changes in physical appearance or discomfort with one's body during treatment may contribute to diminished self-worth and self-esteem.
Identity Crisis:
Infertility and IVF can challenge individuals' perceptions of themselves as potential parents, affecting their sense of identity and self-worth beyond their reproductive capabilities. Difficulty reconciling their desired identity with their fertility struggles can lead to a crisis of self-worth.
Emotional Exhaustion:
The emotional toll of infertility and IVF, including the rollercoaster of hope and disappointment, can lead to emotional exhaustion. Constantly battling feelings of despair, grief, and anxiety can chip away at self-worth and resilience over time.
Ok, so we know the difference between self-esteem and self-worth- all the examples of how self-worth can be impacted during infertility and IVF, now let’s talk about how to build or rebuild your self-worth.
The most important thing is the talking to yourself rather than listening to yourself.
You’ve probably heard me talk about this before, but how we talk to ourselves dictates most everything in our lives. That voice in your head that tells you you’re worthless, you’ll never be happy, you don’t deserve this- that’s the drunken asshole. The idiot that gets wasted-face at a game and starts just yelling obscenities to the referee. Not a lot of it makes sense, and none of it is true, it’s just that drunken idiots opinions.
Most of us spend more time listening to ourselves, listening to this drunken idiot, than talking to ourselves. Making a conscious and concerted effort to be gentle, and compassionate- we default to belligerent, but we don’t have to stay there.
So I’m gonna give you some generic drunken idiot thoughts and how you can reframe them. They’re generic bc I don’t want the words that I use to influence your words. Like if I share what would work for me, it likely won’t work for you.
Ok, so here we go:
om "My worth is tied to my ability to conceive" to "My worth is not defined by my fertility status":
Challenge the belief that your value as a person is solely determined by your ability to conceive. Remind yourself that your worth extends far beyond your reproductive capabilities.
From "IVF failure means I'm not good enough" to "IVF outcomes do not define my worth":
Reframe IVF outcomes as separate from your intrinsic worth as a person. Understand that fertility treatments are complex and not always within your control, and they do not diminish your value as an individual.
From "I'm broken because I need IVF" to "IVF is a medical treatment, not a reflection of my worth":
Challenge the belief that needing medical intervention for fertility issues makes you flawed or inadequate. Recognize that infertility is a medical condition, and seeking treatment is a proactive step towards building your family.
From "I'm alone in this journey" to "Seeking support is a sign of strength, not weakness":
Reframe the belief that struggling with infertility is a solitary experience. Reach out for support from friends, family, support groups, or mental health professionals. Recognize that seeking support is a courageous act that strengthens your resilience.
From "I should have control over my fertility" to "I am resilient in the face of uncertainty":
Challenge the need for absolute control over the fertility process. Embrace uncertainty as a natural part of life and acknowledge your resilience in navigating the challenges of IVF with grace and strength.
From "I'm not good enough if IVF doesn't work" to "I am worthy of love and support regardless of IVF outcomes":
Remind yourself that your worthiness of love and support is not contingent on IVF success. Affirm your inherent value as a person deserving of compassion, understanding, and validation regardless of outcomes.
From "IVF is my only chance at happiness" to "I have multiple sources of happiness and fulfillment in my life":
Challenge the belief that IVF success is the sole determinant of your happiness. Recognize and appreciate the various sources of happiness and fulfillment in your life beyond the fertility journey.
From "I'll never be a parent if IVF fails" to "There are alternative paths to parenthood and meaningful ways to contribute to family and community":
Reframe the belief that parenthood is solely contingent on IVF success. Explore alternative paths to parenthood such as adoption, fostering, or other forms of family building. Recognize that parenthood is not limited to biological ties.
From "I'm not strong enough to endure IVF challenges" to "I am resilient and capable of navigating challenges with support":
Challenge self-doubt and affirm your strength and resilience in facing IVF challenges. Acknowledge the courage it takes to pursue fertility treatments and seek support from loved ones and professionals.
From "I'm a failure if I need help with fertility" to "Asking for help is a proactive step towards building my family":
Reframe the belief that needing assistance with fertility makes you a failure. Recognize that seeking help is a proactive and empowering decision aimed at achieving your family-building goals.
So, I want you to take whichever thought or thoughts that resonate the most, or maybe are the most painful ones for you, and work it to where it feels true, that your brain doesn’t throw any blocks, like, “oh that sounds good but you’re still a loser.” Or something. There are beliefs that we have held onto so tightly for so long that one simple reframe isn’t going to do it- you have to build on it- I have a whole podcast episode on this called “ladder thoughts” that you should check out, if you want to know more about building thoughts from a super neutral place like going from “I hate my body because I can’t get pregnant.” To a neutral but believable thought like “I have a body,” then build up to “I have a body that does a lot of things, to “I have a body that does a lot of other things well,” then maybe “getting pregnant isn’t my body’s only job.” Do you see how you might have to take a kind of targeted approach to some of the reframing- like the whole, “how do you eat an elephant, one bite at a time” adage.
It may take some time. But I swear to you, if you can get better with doing these cognitive reframes it will serve you for the rest of your life. Seriously, this isn’t the only time you can benefit from the skill of reframing- you will always have situations that your drunken asshole is trying to weigh in on, that you can reframe to be more helpful or productive thoughts.
Ok, so that is what I have for you today. I hope you have a great week, and I’ll talk to you soon.