Welcome to IVF this, episode 146 IVF and power vs control

Hello, hello, hello my beautiful friends. I hope you are all doing so, so well today- whatever day you happen to be listening to this particular episode. 

At this very moment, I am looking outside (I have a big window in my office that looks out on my front lawn) and I can see the very first daffodils of Spring 2024. Yes, this episode is dropping at the end of February 2024, but if you are not familiar with Texas, particularly Austin where I live. We have obnoxiously mild winters. Like I know most people who live here do not enjoy the cold, our mild winters are probably one of the many things they love about living here, but I am not one of those people. Now, I don’t think I am built for obnoxiously COLD winters like my friends in the north or def Canada, but I don’t think that 50 degree temps for more than a handful of days the entire winter is totally out of line. I think we had maybe 3 weeks total of temps that didn’t go into the 60’s and I’m still annoyed about it. I feel very convicted that I have a delightful sweater/ sweatshirt collection that is woefully underutilized and I have a lot of big feelings about that. However, I do have a deep love of all things daffodils and tulips. If you don’t know Daffodils, or as I’ve become aware are called Lent Lilies in the UK, are a symbol of rebirth or new beginnings and Tulips are a symbol of deep love. And I feel all warm and fuzzy whenever I see them start to bloom. Also, one plant that I have always loved that is actually one of a few plants that represent hope and fertility is the Peony- which I am about to have planted in our front yard as well. 

Now, I know all of you were absolutely dying for this update you didn’t know you needed on a front yard garden you have never seen and likely never heard me talk about before, so I feel like this is a really strong start for today’s episode. 

I’ve talked a lot about control on the podcast- it’s link to feeling safe, and it’s been interwoven in a lot of the topics I’ve covered, as well as this idea of empowerment but I don’t think I’ve ever really talked about them in tandem- like dedicate specific time to both. So that’s what we’re going to talk about today. I know that might feel anticlimactic after my garden update, but stay with me cause there’s gonna be some good stuff in here too. 

So, first we have to delineate power and control- so I want you to think of power is the ability to make something happen, and control is the attempt to make something happen exactly or closely to the way you want it. 

Now, if you’re anything like me, you probably heard that definition of control and thought, “Yea, I don’t actually see a problem here.”

And it’s not really a problem, except when it is because you’re trying to do that for something you don’t actually have control over (ie infertility and IVF).

Most of us expend so much mental and emotional energy of focusing on all of the aspects of the process that we cannot control- all of the What If’s. That doesn’t mean it’s not a human thing to do, bc it absolutely is human. But what happens is that we hyper focus on those things- mostly the outcomes (a successful stim cycle and retrieval, embryo development, chromosomal testing results, embryo transfers and implantation, staying pregnant) and because we cannot control them, and we intellectually know that we cannot, then we live in this perpetual state of restlessness, of feeling out of control. 

Now, if this is you, there’s no shade, like I am absolutely a card carrying member of this group. But we have to be honest with ourselves. This pattern of trying to control things, it didn’t just start with infertility or IVF, in fact, I argue that it is an evolutionary trait as humans. 

You might be asking yourself, “how is the attempt to control evolutionary in nature? That’s a great question, I’m so glad you asked.

There’s a few reasons:

1. Survival Instincts: Throughout human evolution, the ability to control one's environment and resources has been essential for survival. Early humans needed to control fire, hunt animals, gather food, and build shelter to ensure their survival. This instinctual drive to control aspects of our environment is deeply ingrained in our biology.

2. Sense of Security: Control provides a sense of security and predictability. By exerting control over our surroundings, we reduce uncertainty and increase our chances of survival. This is particularly evident in situations where individuals feel threatened or vulnerable, leading them to seek control as a means of protection.

3. Cognitive Bias: Humans have cognitive biases that predispose us to perceive control where it may not exist. For example, the illusion of control bias leads people to believe they have more control over outcomes than they actually do. This bias can be adaptive in some situations but may also lead to attempts to control uncontrollable events.

4. Social Dynamics: Control is often tied to social hierarchies and power dynamics. Throughout history, individuals or groups with greater control over resources, territory, or other people have had a competitive advantage. This drive for social control can manifest in various forms, such as leadership, dominance, or manipulation.

5. Emotional Regulation: Control can serve as a mechanism for regulating emotions. When faced with uncertainty or stress, attempting to control the situation may provide a sense of agency and reduce feelings of anxiety or helplessness.

6. Learned Behavior: Individuals learn from their experiences that exerting control can lead to desired outcomes or mitigate negative consequences. This reinforcement strengthens the inclination to seek control in future situations, even when the degree of control is limited.

7. Cultural Influences: Cultural norms and values also shape our inclination to control things. Some cultures may place a strong emphasis on individual autonomy and control, while others may prioritize collective harmony or acceptance of fate.

So it’s CLEARLY something that is part of our make up. But the question remains WHY?

Why do we try to control things? Especially in those situations, like IVF, where we intellectually know that we don’t have any control over the outcome?

So, why do we try to Control Things:

We Try to control things because we fear uncertainty and/ or it’s a desire things to play out how YOU want them to, based on your own desires because you want to feel a certain way

That’s it! We don’t like feeling uncertain, because uncertainty feels terrible and scary- so we think if we can control things either during the process or try to control an outcome, we won’t have to feel that terrible feeling- because ultimately, we want things to happen the way we want them to. It’s all about chasing a feeling. Either avoiding the feeling of uncertainty to feel more in control, or the joy/excitement/ insert your desired emotion here.

So, first and foremost, if this is you- it’s not a problem. Most people are like this. It’s just most people don’t realize that they’re doing it, or that there is another option that doesn’t tend to lead them to feel even MORE out of control. 

So where I want to stat shifting your focus is more around you- what you can control, which will always be what you think, how you feel, and what you do. You can call that autonomy, empowerment, agency, or like the title of this episode, your personal power- I use all of those words interchangeably bc to me they all mean the same thing. And I don’t want you to get hung up on the wording. Choose whichever word feels more comfortable, more personal, resonates more, whatever, but the idea is that you are shifting your focus away from things that you CANNOT control, to things that you can. 

Now, if you remember my list from earlier about WHY we try to control things, trying to control things is an evolutionary process. You aren’t going to change this overnight and all of a sudden you have a new enlightenment and you never again worry about things outside of your control. That’s not realistic. But what IS realistic, is understanding and being aware of what you’re doing and why- and then refocusing on what you can control. 

So I’m going to give you a list of things you cannot control and things that you can, they’re gonna be pretty generic bc I want to give you a template for hwo you can apply this to your own life- and you know your own life better than I could ever dream to understand. . Now, when I am working on like building new thoughts, creating more awareness, I like to write them (the thoughts and such) on sticky notes so that I have visual cues around me. If you prefer to have a list of them in your phone or journal that’s great too. But one of the biggest challenges of self care during IVF is that it is so easy to become tunnel visioned to the extent that we will quite literally forget HOW to care for ourselves. 

This is one of the most important ways you can care for yourself and I cannot OVERstate that. 

And before I get to the list, I want to note that Acceptance is a huge part of this, but for a lot of us Acceptance is not a great word. Like it’s either we have a working definition of acceptance that feels more like resignation or giving up (which it’s not) or we think we have to be happy about something before we can accept it (which is also not true). 

Acceptance, at least the way I like to think of it and teach it, is that you are recognizing the situation for what it is, and you’re not trying to argue with it. Most of us argue with it, “This isn’t happening or can’t be happening.”

Acceptance is not something that comes naturally and, very often, is not something that comes without some argument. It’s when we stay with the argument, continue to argue, indulge in the argument that makes it so painful for us. 

So, I believe, that the more we refocus our attention and intention to the things we can control, acceptance becomes a little bit easier. A little less of a struggle. 

Ok, so here we go- here are some thoughts that might eb useful to you as you start learning how to release the control from the things you can control, and recognize where our power and agency truly lie. 

 The things I cannot control

How other’s behave- including the things they say, don’t say, do or don’t do

Other people’s thoughts and ideas

Other people’s feelings

Other peoples reactions

What happens around me

How other people care or do not care for themselves

THE PAST

THE FUTURE

Outcomes 

The things I can control

As always- how I think, how I feel, and what I do

My boundaries

How I handle challenges, setbacks, unmet expectations

What and where I give my energy

How I spend my freetime

What goals I set

Limiting my social media or other outside influence

Asking for help
Using my coping strategies

And most importantly- how I treat myself

How you talk to yourself, how you treat yourself is a greater determinant of your ability to cope with the absolute shit show of IVF than any outcome or rah-rah mantra or anything like that. 

If you talk to yourself like a jerk the entire time, you’re going to feel like absolute garbage and you will feel dependent on everything to work out perfectly to, but for a fleeting moment, not feel like garbage. 

But, if you are kind, compassionate, and understanding to yourself- even 25-50% of the time- the process will be so much easier. Like it’s not going to be an experience with zero negative emotion, that’s not how life works. But, if you’re being dealt hard blows by the IVF process, but you’re practicing kindness and compassion towards yourself- then you’re not also having to manage those shrill, cruel, ridiculous, one-sided opinions that the drunken asshole in your brain comes up with. 

And that’s the goal! I cannot make this process pain-free. It’s just not possible. With IVF you are self-selecting to toss your heart on a chopping block and handing someone else the cleaver. But we don’t have to make it HARDER. We don’t have to add suffering on top of the pain. 

And that is my wish for all of you. Because each and everyone of you deserve, at the bare minimum THAT. 

That is what I have for you this week. I hope you have a great week and I’ll talk to you soon.