Welcome to IVF This, episode 151 IVF and the Ministry of Presence

Hello, hello, hello my beautiful friends. I hope you are doing so, so well. 

Today’s episode is going to be a little different than usual. Today I feel like I am going to be talking more to the people in your life, not that I don’t believe that this is beneficial for everyone to hear, because it absolutely is, but I talk to so many of you about how the other people in your life show up and the things they say (or don’t say) and the things they do (or don’t do) and I think it is largely because people don’t know or understand the ministry of presence and it’s importance to witness another human. 

I do have another, similar episode called “Supporting Someone Through IVF” that you can also refer your friends and family too, as well. 

Another caveat before I get this episode started, is that I am a Christian. Many of you might not be. So while I might reference my experience through a Christian lens, my intention is not to limit the information or application of this concept through only that lens. The ministry of presence, that phrase has deep spiritual and religious roots and implications BUT at it’s core is it bearing witness to our, yours or someone else’s, humanity and human experiences and I think that is something that all of us can learn, and if you’re anything like me re-learn, and re-learn, and re-learn. 

Growing up, I always knew I wanted to be of service. Now that is not altruistic as it seems. I went through many interations what that service would look like in my life. There were times that I wanted to work for the FBI, practice Law, and even be a comedian. I viewed, and still view those things through that lens of service. Whether is was advocacy or just trying to make people laugh. Eventually, after more than a few college majors, I decided on Social Work and I fell in love with the field- my mom had told me all my life I was a born social worker, but because that was also what she was I was steadfastly against it until I realized I could finish my bachelors degree quickly by majoring in Social work, so here we are. 

When I graduated, my first official social work job was a hybrid job between the American Cancer Society and a Cancer center that was associated with the university hospital. I took that responsibility so very seriously at my big age of 21. My office was located just off the cancer centers patient resource library, and that was where I stumbled across a book called, “The Art of a Healing Presence.” I have read it no less than 10 times throughout the past 18 years. It is a relatively short book and I think you can get it on Amazon for like $10, but it really did change my life. It’s very centered on Hospice care, which was a big portion of my job at that time, so it might not appeal to everyone, but it is absolutely a wonderful book. 

So I’m going to give you some understanding around the idea of the ministry of presence and some suggestions on how to integrate it into your life and relationships when you or someone you love is going through infertility, miscarriage, loss, IVF failure- all of it. 

My favorite explanation for this concept, and I cannot remember where I heard it from is, “that we will serve people even when it might make us uncomfortable. We will stand with people in the midst of anxiety and fear. Most importantly, in these difficult times we will be realists. We will not pretend things are better or worse than they actually are.”

The ministry of presence is to be willing to step into an awkward and emotional situation- without focusing on giving advice, saying the perfect thing, trying to fix it, or urging the person to “move on.” Being present with someone, in the midst of their grief, sadness, or agony without judgement and without an agenda- that’s what we’re talking about. 

I know that for many of us, grief, sadness, pain are so uncomfortable for us to experience, let alone witness. But they are inevitable. Pain, loss, and grief are inevitable human experiences. And for you to exercise or practice a ministry of presence that has to be ok. 

It has to be ok that those things exist in the world, because they do. And if you are fighting against this, then you cannot be truly present for anyone.

I want to give you some tangible steps for getting into the space of practicing a ministry of presence. I have a few, so bear with me. 

1. Listen- Perhaps you’ve heard this popular advice: “There are three things you can do to help someone. The first is to listen. The second is to listen. The third is to listen some more.” When you listen to others, you value them. You quietly and clearly communicate that you care. Real listening, the kind that occurs at a level well beyond the polite professional and social norm, requires concentration, focus and effort. When you listen in this way, the other person will feel affirmed and validated, perhaps even freed and empowered. 

Sitting in silence with others can be deeply healing. You’re not waiting for their next words. You’re simply going deeply into the moment together, united by this quiet you share. As you open to it, you can listen for what this rich silence is saying, to each of you and to both of you. One of my clinical supervisors used to say, “silent and listen are spelled with the same letters.” And I think about that a lot. 

The second aspect of listening is to believe the person. You don’t have to agree with someone to believe their experience. It’s not a requirement. But it honestly doesn’t matter if you don’t believe them, it is THEIR lived experience, not yours. So even if you are sitting with someone you care for very deeply and they are telling you that they hate their body or their life, this is NOT the time to remind them of all the wonderful things that they have going for them or anything like that. This is the time to see, from their perspective and experience, why that would feel true to them. 

In those sacred moments, it is not your job to be the seeker of some universal truth of their experience, nor is it your job to remind them of all the things they ‘should’ be grateful for or have to look forward to- your job is to listen. It is not a complicated job, and I understand that it is not an easy one either. 

1. Holding space: You can hold others mentally as you focus your thoughts on them throughout the day. You can hold them spiritually as you make them a part of your daily disciplines, or as you reach out to them soul-to-soul. You can hold space for them as they share- which means that you are holding that space between them and their experience without judgement. You may physically hold the other person by taking a hand, touching an arm or shoulder, or perhaps even offering an embrace. Your sensitivity and attention is crucial here. Some people aren’t ready or willing to be touched. Ask them first. Or extend your touch in such a way they can easily and comfortably withdraw if they wish. Them not responding to your advance for physical touch is not about you. Internalizing a rejection like that, defeats the purpose of that healing presence. 

You can also hold space for yourself. You will not say the perfect or “right thing.” And thinking that you need to, will only hold you back from being present in the moment with them. Your job is not to be their therapist or their coach- it is to be their support. To listen to, validate, and love them. You don’t need to have the perfect thing to say. By virtue of you loving them, and them loving you- your presence will be helpful. So hold space for yourself, remember that means WITHOUT judgement, because you will not show up perfectly, and no one expects you to. 

1. The third aspect of being a healing presence is understanding that the other person, the person that you are talking to, comforting, is equal to you in every way. In social work we talk a lot about meeting people where they are- not where you want them to be, not where you think they should be, but where they are in that moment. We all have people that we love that we don’t want to see them in pain, or in the case of IVF where it can feel like they are causing themselves pain (ruminating on not having children or not getting pregnant, doing cycle after cycle without any breaks, isolating themselves, etc) but that is not the point of being present. No matter what you believe about someone else’s situation, if they are not directly asking for your opinion or input, regardless of how spot on you feel your take is- it’s not the time. The right advice at the wrong time, is still THE WRONG advice. Now two ways. This is also not easy. I am a very opinionated person, which I am sure comes as a massive shock to anyone who has ever interacted with me or heard me speak. Now, when I am coaching, I have learned over many years to release any of my expectations. That’s my professional hat. When I am just Emily, talking with a friend, it’s not the same. So, in those moments, when my presence is demanded, not necessarily my expertise, I have to consciously make efforts to withhold my opinions and that “what I would do…” sorta examples because I don’t know more about what they are experiencing than they do. I do not have some kind of universal truth about their situation, what they should do, or how they should be handling it. Trust the person to know what and where their limits lie, what is best for them, and when it is time for them to slow down or stop. Let them tell you. Listen and believe them. 

1. Last, but certainly not least, you will do the most by doing the least.

This ties the three points above together. Sometimes trying to help, doesn’t help. Hell, sometimes helping isn’t even a possibility. People will oftentimes vacillate between feeling paralyzed by doing or saying the “right” thing and feeling so uncomfortable in a situation or about a topic that they will throw around shallow platitudes like “Everything happens for a reason,” or “Try to relax.” We can become so preoccupied with ourselves, that we forget that the person in front of us is just needing us. Not needing us to do something, they just need us. Almost always, people don’t need or want you to “solve” their problem. They just want a safe space to lay all the pieces out on the ground, to help make sense of what they are carrying. That’s it. This quote comes directly from The Art of Being a Healing Presence, “ You help when you walk with them, matching your pace to theirs. You help when you walk in the direction they’re moving, even if it feels directionless, rather than leading them in the direction you want them to go, or believe they “should” go. You help when you walk close enough that you can hear them and be heard with ease, but not so closely that they feel crowded. Sometimes you look at them and sometimes you don’t, but wither way, they know beyond a doubt they are being seen.”

The most courageous thing we can do is listen. The bravest thing we can do is stand with them. We do not have to be brilliant or articulate; it is true that the greatest ability as a friend is availability. Just show up—and you exercise the ministry of presence.

Ok, that is what I have for you today. I hope you have a great week, and I’ll talk to you soon.