Welcome to IVF This Episode 154: IVF and The Role of Fear

Hello, hello, hello my beautiful friends. I hope you are all doing so well today. You may have noticed that I haven’t shown up in your podcast feed for a couple of weeks. For that, I am sorry. There are some things that I needed to take care of around here, that came up rather urgently. So I genuinely appreciate your grace and your patience, and we’re back together today to talk about one of my favorite things- FEAR! 

I know, I am just a fun little treat to hang out with when the things I love talking about are infertility, grief, fear, shame- my social calendar is filled to the brim!

At any rate, I want to announce that I am going to pilot single sessions. So if you’re familiar with my podcast or my coaching, you may know that I typically work with clients in blocks of 13 sessions- so 13 hour long sessions. We try to keep it to weekly, but things come up and stuff happens and all that, but I’ve always sold my coaching in that format- like from the moment I pivoted to just IVF/ infertility coaching it has been that format. But I’ve noticed over the past several months or so, a lot of people saying that they don’t really want to commit to 13 weeks, which I get. Now there’s still a need for the 13- weeks. I have seen it be absolutely transformational to my clients. I think it’s kind of a perfect amount of time to really get specialized tailored support. BUT, I’ve also started to notice that there is a place for single, like one-off sessions as well. So, I want to see what may come from them. It’s just a pilot, I’m gonna offer it for about 6 weeks at the price of $175, which is lower than what my hourly rate would be with the 13-week block, kind of an introductory price to gauge interest and see if it’s something our IVF/Infertility community could benefit from. So, if you’re interested you can schedule by either going to my website, www.ivfthiscoaching.com under “work with me” OR in the links in my IG/ FB profile. So, it’s a fun little experiment to see what might be more beneficial to you all!

I also want to share maybe one of the best compliments I have ever received as a person, as a professional- all of it. I was working with a client that I had previously worked with in one of my group cohorts. We were wrapping up a 1:1 session and she said, “I just have to tell you that when we first started working together, I had a little judgement about you. We had moved some meetings around and I felt like I really needed to be with women who elevated me. But then as we continued to work together, I actually found your realness so comforting. So thank you for not putting on airs, and being real and genuine and messy. All the things that we all are, but I think we try to hide. And you don’t, you embrace it. So thank you.” Now, I am not a big crier, and I certainly try to keep it together with my clients, but when I tell you that every one of my feelings was absolutely touched in that moment. 

Full disclosure, your coach is a human. And I’m like a messy little chaos goblin that self-medicates on caffeine, even while on ADHD meds. I have not very well controlled asthma that seems to knock me down at the MOST inopportune times. I have and still do, sometimes, suffer from imposter syndrome. I do. I’ll fully own and admit that. I look at my business, my personality, my podcast, my messaging- I look at all of it and compare it with other coaches in this community, coaches that I know and have worked with, and I have been known to compare myself in not so great ways. I need to do it this way, I need to do it that way. All the group programs that I have run have been very iterative, I change things up, sometimes I do have to cancel and move around things when I get sick. But to hear that from her that day was this beautiful blessed assurance that those things about me aren’t bad. Are there days that I am more polished and all that- sure! But my dedication to making sure that each of you get what you come for, when we are on zoom. That I show up, as your coach, as your unwavering, non-judgmental support- that is resolute. I am a true chaos goblin. And I am a damn good coach. And I bet there are a lot of things that you compare yourself to and with. I bet there are many ways you tell yourself you need to be better, or more (whatever). But just like I heard, those things that you judge yourself for, the things that you shame yourself for- those might be exactly the thing that someone else needs. That the world needs. Can we all do better? Sure, but don’t pursue better, while you’re degrading things that make you the beautiful and authentic person you are; so this is your reminder for that. Because I got a beautiful reminder of that recently and I am so very grateful. 

Ok, gosh, we’re how many minutes in and we’re just now getting to fear! Ok, here we go. 

I wanted to talk about fear, and it’s gonna be for this episode and I’m gonna talk about fearing hope next episode, so it’ll be like a fear double feature. But I wanted to talk about fear, because I think fear is THE prevailing emotion during infertility and IVF. It’s decorated in other words and phrases that we use, but boiling it all down, and the feeling of fear is probably one of the most common emotions. So I’m gonna talk about what fear is, what we tend to think fear is, what it really is, and how we can start to take the wheel back when fear enters the car. I’ll also gonna touch on “spiraling” which is such a common word that I hear form my clients- why it happens and what you can do about it.   

Ok, first things first we have to distinguish FEAR and ANXIETY. I think most people use these two pretty interchangeably, with good reason. We experience overlapping physical sensations associated with anxiety and fear. But you know me, I’ve gotta split hairs a bit to help provide additional context for what is happening to you and why. Because when we have context for what is happening and why, it is much easier for us to regain our footing, understand what is happening and normalize the experience which is all in serve to reminding ourselves of our agency and taking back control. So we don’t have to constantly be at the mercy of our emotions. 

Ok so the difference between fear and anxiety is that fear is an emotional reaction to a perceived threat- physical, mental, emotional, financial our brain doesn’t distinguish between those. It labels it all as a physical threat.  

Anxiety is an excessive and Unfocused (hear that UN-focused) fear that can be triggered by a variety of things. The reason I emphasized Unfocused is because anxiety is vague. Fear is more specific. 

Fear is not something that happens only in our minds, it is a process that occurs in our bodies. In order to survive, human beings and other animals evolved a “fight, flight, or freeze” response to stress, leading us to either combat or flee from frightening encounters. In fight or flight mode, our heart rate increases, we breathe faster, and our senses become heightened. Blood flows away from our heart and digestive system and into our limbs, allowing us to react to the danger at hand.

Freeze mode has a different mechanism. Our heart rate decreases instead of increases, and we become immobile. Freeze mode can have a protective function. In the natural world, it is why animals play dead when under threat. In humans, however, freezing can prevent us from defending ourselves or articulating our needs.

When our senses register a fearful or stressful situation, the amygdala, an almond-shaped structure in the center of the brain, engages the sympathetic nervous system, which cues the endocrine system to release stress hormones.

At the same time that the amygdala fires up, the cerebral cortex—the part of the brain responsible for reasoning and judgment—shuts down. This can make it challenging for us to make good decisions when we’re faced with fearful or stressful situations.

When we experience anxiety, our sympathetic nervous system responds in a similar way as it does to fear. However, with anxiety, it is engaged at a lower, but more constant, level.

Instead of preparing for an immediate threat, we are on edge for prolonged periods of time. Our muscles become tense. We become cautious, vigilant for possible threats, and we may avoid situations in an attempt to dodge danger.

Just as the right amount of fear can be healthy, a certain degree of anxiety can help us sense danger and conquer challenges. However, when we feel too much anxiety, we spend an excessive amount of time feeling distressed. Racing thoughts prevent us from concentrating, and worries about the future and the past prevent us from living in the moment.

Our anxiety can be so distressing that we might misread others’ facial expressions or misinterpret social cues. We experience the anxiety of being triggered so we might isolate more, or distance ourselves from things. 

Fear is one of our most primitive emotions. It has been something that has been pivotal for our long-term survival as a species. We are supposed to feel fear. And I know this goes against pretty much everything that we’ve been told. I used to have this fierce internal struggle all the time between you know by Christian beliefs of “do not fear for the Lord your God is with you” and being a human walking this earth and experiencing human emotions. One day I decided that, for me, that verse and similar sentiments felt more like “rest your fear with me” or “you do not have to be afraid AND alone because I am with you.” Fear is normal. When we get into this cycle of experiencing an emotion and then judging the emotion- THAT is always where the trouble starts. 

I want to pause for a second and talk about that paralyzing fear, some of us refer to it as “spiraling.” I want you to understand the mechanisms for why you do spiral and how to snap out of it, even if you’re on the verge of or in the middle of a panic attack. 

In those moments where it feels like one thought after another and you can feel the spiral happening- that is all happening in the part of your brain called the amygdala, that I mentioned before, which is deep In the brain stem. One of the oldest parts of our brains this it’s one of the areas you would refer to as your “lizard brain.”- this is where emotional regulation lives. SO, this is the part of the brain responsible for emotions and decision-making. So when you’re in a situation where you’re kind of paralyzed in that panic- whether it is bc of what you’re thinking, like you’re catastrophizing, spinning whatever you want to call it. That’s where it’s happening. And so in those moments of heightened fear, your amygdala works as a positive feedback loop- fear leads to more fear. 

Cortisol and other stress hormones (adrenaline, etc) go back to the amygdala and intensify the feeling. So the more intense the fear, the less likely the hippocampus (another part of your lizard brain) and other parts of the brain can intervene and readjust the response. The amygdala will just keep firing off. Unless you have some way of breaking that cycle, you will likely stay locked into that spin. 

Scientists found that when they tested animals that had this response, which we can also call FREEZE, a loud noise would generally kick them out of that fear/ panic loop. Any sudden/ jolting change can help you snap out of the loop: extreme temperatures (like applying an ice pack to your chest or holding some ice cubes or something like that), loud noises (door slamming, car backfiring, turning on your music and the volume is full blast), and there is even anecdotal evidence to support the use of Warheads- the insanely sour candy- can also do this. 

Ok, so I’m not gonna dredge all this fear talk without giving you some actionable steps that you can take that will help you allow your fear and process it, without becoming overwhelmed by it. 

It’s 4 steps: Acknowledge, Identify, Express, and Evaluate. AIEE- Gosh I gotta work on that acronym- another day another battle. Ok

1. Acknowledgment: Start by acknowledging that fear is a natural and often useful emotion. Recognizing fear without judgment can reduce its intensity and make it more manageable.

2. Identification: Try to identify what specifically is causing the fear. Understanding the source of your fear can provide insights into how realistic or proportionate it is to the situation. For example, I have a client that for a long time when we first started working together, would think of her (in her words) “checkered past” where she had previously smoked cigarettes, drank alcohol, and used cocaine. When she would remember this, she would freeze because her fear was that her past “mistakes” caused her eggs to “go bad” and she wont have a good outcome with IVF. Remember when I said that your brain doesn’t distinguish between physical and emotional threats? That memory, the memory of her experiences was creating a new perceived threat to the thing that she wanted most of all. So we had to walk through what was at the root of that fear. 

3. Expression: Express your fears in a safe environment. This could be talking about your fears with a trusted friend, writing them down in a journal, or discussing them with a therapist. Expression helps in processing emotions and gaining perspective.

4. Evaluation: Assess the validity and practicality of your fears. If you’ve listened for any length of time you’ve probably heard me talk about “challenging” or “interrogating” your thoughts- this is the same thing. Ask yourself questions like, "What evidence do I have that supports or refutes my fear?" and "What are the possible outcomes, and how likely are they to happen?" This can help diminish unnecessary fear because you’re able to take a more objective approach to the fear, rather than just reacting to the physical discomfort you’re experiencing associated with that fear. So, for the example I gave above, we talked through how likely that social uses of smoking, drinking, and some cocaine use, that was no longer happening and for some of it hadn’t in several years, but how realistic it is that it would be a largely determining factor in the success of IVF. When we were able to break it down in that way, and we even started looking at some peer-reviewed journal articles and such, we were able to take some of the power away from the fear and put it back in her hands. It didn’t mean that the thought or the memory never came to her again, because it did and probably does. But because we’ve done that logic-testing. Because we’ve gone through those steps, she’s able to address it faster and move on. Getting to a point where sometimes when the thought comes, it’s nothing more that a “oh yea, I know why I think that. It doesn’t make it true.” Now, it doesn’t work like that every time, but that’s never the goal. Some days that thought, or others like it, might have a tighter grip on you than other times. We walk through this world every day with different levels of energy, influence, patience, tolerance- so not every time are you going to be able to get to that “oh yes, I know why I think that, but it doesn’t make it true” place- but it’s always an option. 

And that’s what I want to close with. So many of us believe that if fear exists it must be coming from this place of universal truth. NO! The definition I gave you of fear was a “PERCEIVED” threat. Sometimes it is going to be an obvious threat. But very often, in this modern world, it is going to be a perceived threat. So it’s not some universal truth. There isn’t necessarily some greater inner knowing or universal knowing that is trying to tell you something. So if you walk away with anything from this episode, it’s that. Your fear is valid, but not necessarily a fact. 

Ok, so that is what I have for you today. I hope you have a great week and I’ll talk to you soon.