Welcome to IVF This, episode 156- IVF and Arguing with Reality

Hello, hello, hello my beautiful friends. I hope you’re all doing so, so well today.

Today we’re gong to talk about a universal experience for everyone, IVF’ers and not, and that is arguing with reality. But first I want to remind everyone that I am accepting new clients, so if you’ve been listening and wanting to work with me, now is def the time. I tend to slow down a bit during the summer but I have 4 slots available right now that would carry through the summer, because I work with people in 13 weeks blocks. SO, if you’re interested in working together, you can schedule “Take back your life Call” which is complimentary, so we can meet, get some coaching, and learn what it would be like to work together. You can schedule the “Take back your life call” by either going to my website www.ivfthiscoaching.com/work with me or you can go to my FB or IG profile links, and there is a scheduling like there. 

Ok, let’s get into the topic for today. I have a client who said, a previous therapist told her that she had an argumentative relationship with reality and it got me thinking that I talk about arguing with reality on the podcast, but I don’t think I have ever dedicated an entire episode to the topic. So let’s start from the beginning. 

The phrase "arguing with reality" is commonly associated with Byron Katie, a well-known speaker and author who developed a self-inquiry method known as "The Work." In her teachings, Byron Katie emphasizes the importance of accepting reality as it is and suggests that resisting or arguing with reality is a primary source of suffering. She often uses this phrase to illustrate the futility and pain of trying to change or deny what is true. Her work encourages people to question their thoughts and beliefs, ultimately leading to greater peace and acceptance. Byron Katie frequently says, "When you argue with reality, you lose, but only 100% of the time." Again, this highlights the idea that resisting what is happening only causes suffering.

Now, when I tell you that this is a universal experience for humans, I want you to believe me. Even the MOST mindful, the MOST grounded, and the LEAST attached person will at some point in their lives argue with reality. Something will happen or not happen that you will argue with reality about- it is as guaranteed as death. Well, that sounded more morbid than I intended it to, but you get the point. Now, I don’t think that many of us, even coaches and therapists that are well versed in this concept, ever really say to ourselves when something happens or doesn’t happen, “I am going to argue with reality right now.” It’s  much more insidious, more sneaky than that. It can look like, and please remember this isn’t an exhaustive list, this is just what I see MOST often:

1. Denial of Infertility: Refusing to accept a diagnosis of infertility and continuously hoping for a natural conception despite medical evidence suggesting otherwise. Now, there are some of us that feel like a disturbance in the force, we feel like there is something wrong or that there might eb something wrong- this was totally me. After just a couple of months of trying, I had this pit in my stomach that something was wrong. Others of us, and this isn’t like an enlightenment hierarchy, wither don’t think there is something wrong, or they are very scared to talk to a dr because of their own reasons, maybe they’re worried about the cost or they feel like they shouldn’t HAVE to whatever, so in essence they are kind of denying it.  Another one is, 

2. Unrealistic Expectations: Expecting immediate success with IVF and not accepting the possibility of multiple cycles or the potential for failure. Th national average for IVF to result in a live birth is 3-4 cycles- please remember, this number doesn’t have any nuance to it; there are MANY individual, medical, and other factors that influence success rates, as well fact5oring in the cumulative success rates. But I know for certain, I thought, “we will be one and done” and in a lot of respects we were. We did our first cycle, got two normal embryos, first transfer worked, but the second did not. I had VERY unrealistic expectations around our second transfer being successful. And when it didn’t, I did my FAIR SHRE of arguing with reality. And it really compounded my pain. 

3. Blaming Oneself or Partner: Insisting that infertility must be due to personal fault or a partner's fault, despite medical explanations that infertility can be caused by various uncontrollable factors. This blame can strain relationships and increase emotional suffering. The majority of the women that I talk to generally blame themselves, I think that is by and large where most of us land. But to say that I didn’t blame my lovely husband would be an outright lie. Now, it was not his fault nor his responsibility- but it was a place to go with my anger, because I had already spent a VERY long time beating the crap out of myself, so I would take some of my anger out on him. It wasn’t right or fair, but it was my experience. Which also leads us to,

4. Resentment Toward Others: Feeling anger or resentment toward others who conceive easily or have children, and focusing on the unfairness of the situation. This can lead to social isolation and increased emotional pain. This is one of the hardest things for us to manage because when we do this, we tend to also have a narrative running in the background of how horrible a friend or daughter or sister or whatever we are- which also adds layers of shame and guilt and feel terrible. 

5. Over-Focus on Outcome: Now this is a tough one because everything that we are going through, especially during IVF is very binary: it either works or it doesn’t, I responded to the meds or I don’t, I have eggs or I don’t those eggs are mature or not, they fertilize or they don’t, they mature to blast or they don’t, you either get pregnant or you don’t. So while it’s completely understandable to focus on outcomes, whose just happen to be the things that are the least within our control. So when we spend so much mental and emotional energy focusing on the outcome, we tend to feel even more out of control. 

6. Ignoring Emotional Needs: Neglecting the emotional and psychological toll of infertility and IVF by not seeking support or counseling. Some of us may believe that we should be able to handle it alone, or that no one will understand, or that getting pregnant is the ONLY thing that matters leaves you unprotected from the emotional toll this process and experience can take. And I’m a big, or historically have been, a BIG perpetrator of this. I tend to just try to barrel through whatever the obstacle or challenge is in front of me- but that didn’t work. And I think this is one of the main reasons many of feel like we lose part of ourselves in the process. 

Now, like I said, these are just the most common ones that I see, just to give you an idea of what “arguing with reality” can look like. 

 So now that we know what it can look like, I want you to understand WHY we argue with reality. I think by understanding something, by giving ourselves context, it can help lessen the hold that arguing with reality can have over us. Now, I do want to pause and mention that we do not do these things consciously. Pretty much all of this is happening in the unconscious parts of our brain. The parts that were originally designed and have evolved to keep us safe and free of pain. This idea is called the motivational triad- I did a podcast episode on it a couple of years ago. If you search IVF this and motivational triad, you should be able to find the episode. But the idea is that our brain has evolved to do three things: Seek pleasure, avoid pain, and to be as efficient as possible. These are the driving forces behind all of our unconscious thought processes. So, I always want to reiterate, we do not talk about these things to shame or judge ourselves- we do it to understand and to decide with intention how we want to show up. This is a judgement-free zone!

Ok, so just like the ways it can show up for us, there are many reasons that we argue with reality that are as present during infertility and IVF as any other challenge in your life. So you’re going to see some parallels here from what it looks like and why we do it:

1. Desire for control- There’s so many aspects of infertility and IVF that feels and is outside of our control. So when we think about “accepting” our reality that often means that we have to confront our uncertainty and lack of control. If you’ve listened to this podcast for any length of time, you’ve heard me say that there are few things we experience that our brains hate MORE than uncertainty. Uncertainty feels VERY dangerous. So in a way, arguing with reality like “this isn’t happening” or “this can’t be happening,” can give you the illusion of control. Now, it doesn’t make us FEEL better. It just makes it feel like we have some control. Fear is a BIG driver for that desire for control. Fear of the unknown or of a certain outcome tends to lead to resistance, to the argument with reality. The next one is.

2. Our attachment to expectations- this one ties into our hyper-focus on outcomes and having unrealistic expectations. All of us create expectations for how thigs should go or how things should be- so when our reality doesn’t match a desired expectation and an undesirable outcome it’s like our brain cannot and will not comprehend it. So because there is that discrepancy, we resist it. 

3. Experiencing emotional pain- Denial is a defense mechanism- whether it is a useful one or not, it is an effective coping mechanism. Acknowledging a painful situation or  reality is pretty overwhelming. We might not be ready to process that overwhelm, so in turn, we will deny it until we are willing or ready to process it. 

4. Social and Cultural Influences- This is one that plays a HUGE role when you are deep into the IVF/ infertility online communities. It plays a role for all of us, but SM is like a bombardment for social and cultural influences. There’s a lot of comparisons that we make, we can set a lot of unrealistic expectations based on what we’re seeing and hearing, and then with all the toxic positivity that we encounter via social media or with the people in our lives it can make us feel like we aren’t living up to other peoples expectations when we don’t share that same toxic positivity or we are not feeling hopeful or excited. 

5. The emotional investment- IVF is a massive physical, emotional, social, and financial investment. Because of how large an investment it is, we can tie our identity and self-worth to beliefs about ourselves and our lives, as well as the expectations we have; this makes it even MORE challenging when we have outcomes or situations that challenge that identity or belief. 

6. And finally, Trauma and past experiences- Past traumas, related to infertility and IVF or not, shape how we perceive and respond to our experiences, our expectations, the outcomes- everything. People who have experienced trauma tend to have a heightened need for control and predictability and can often be inflexible about that need, understandable so. But because of that inflexibility, it makes it difficult to move towards acceptance. 

So what’s the answer? Well, that’s difficult to answer. I think, since all people will experience arguing with reality at some point in our lives, we want to accept that we will, in fact argue with reality at some point in our lives. Again, my desire today was to help you better understand what that is and why we do it. 

But I think if you’re going to work on ONE thing, and for this I really only want you to focus on ONE thing- it is that two things can be true at the same time. 

I want to get x number of healthy embryos out of this cycle, AND I know I cannot control the outcome

I am excited for my upcoming transfer, AND I know that nothing is guaranteed and that I will do all I can to prepare myself for it.

I am feeling (insert uncomfortable emotion) and I know it will pass

I am thinking some hard things about myself right now, AND I know that it’s not necessarily true. 

I am sad and grieving and I know I can’t change what has happened. 

When you are able to see that two things can be true at the same time, we are able to get closer to a place of acceptance.  When we can acknowledge multiple truths, we don’t then have to overcome the arguing with reality part, because arguing with reality by it’s very nature is due to black and white thinking. When more than one thing being true is possible, it’s as if we are bypassing that painful process, maybe not all together because I do think that there is an aspect of necessity with arguing with reality, but the hurdle isn’t SUPER high as it is when we have like locked ourselves into that argument. 

And finally, I want to end with talking about acceptance. I did a dedicated episode about acceptance called, Acceptance isn’t what you think it is a while ago. But I think so many people equate acceptance and giving up, or acceptance and feeling good about the thing- and neither is true. You don’t have to like something for it to be what’s happening. You can want something to be different and understand that it won’t be- see those two truths?

No amount of anger or worry will change what has already happened. This is a powerful realization but it is important to realize the true meaning of this statement and not take it the wrong way. Acceptance is not to be confused with passivity. We must not do nothing. It is about being ready and willing, to do whatever comes naturally in all circumstances.

Now, as I am wrapping up this episode, I am deeply in my feelings about all of you and what I hope for all of you and how I pray for and think about you all, everyday. How I want you all to be proud of yourselves for what you are going through. We are all messy people. It’s ok to be messy. Don’t, for one second doubt your capabilities- to take care of yourself, to weather this storm, to be a strong, kind, empathetic and compassionate human. 

There’s so many things that we cannot change, but we always have control over how we think, how we feel, and what we do. 

There are two quotes that are coming to me, two of my favorite quotes that I want to share with you. They require a bit of background so bare with me. 

As Randy Pausch, who was a college professor that was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and had a beautiful talk called The Last Lecture, which you can still see on YouTube and he co-wrote a wonderful book of the same title, but he said,  

“We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.” 

The second one is from Lord of the Rings, the Fellowship of the rings- a conversation between Frodo and Galdalf- "I wish it need not have happened in my time," said Frodo. "So do I," said Gandalf, "and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us." 

You don’t get to decide how successful IVF is or not. There are so many variables within the process that you do not have control in. But, You do get to decide how you show up, in your life, with your people, and in your own head and body. Those things matter. It’s ok to experience all the feelings, have all the thoughts, but also make sure you’re protecting your peace. Acceptance, is the opposite of arguing with reality. Acceptance is not resignation. It is not passively giving up. It takes courage and strength. 

Courage and strength that is already inside of you. And I will continue to show up and remind you of that. 

That is what I have for you today, have a great week and I’ll talk to you soon.