Welcome to IVF This, Episode 161 IVF and Adoption

Hello, hello, hello my beautiful friends. I hope you are all doing so, so well. I’m getting super excited getting ready for a long road trip with my family. We are heading out for two weeks; we’re going to drive up to Denver and stay for a few days and then Drive up to Jackson Hole, WY, for a few days. 

We have a lot of cool things planned. My personal favorite thing I booked is a sunrise safari in Grand Teton National Park. We are a family of animal lovers so the possibility of seeing some pretty amazing wildlife that we would never get to see here in Texas is SO exciting. Also, if you know me, you know I hate the Texas summers, the Texas heat. The overnight temperatures in Jackson Hole is what the typical temperature is in Texas for our “winter” which is basically like 1-2 months (January and February)- so I am bringing some of my snuggly hoodies and sweaters, and I think I might be more excited about the weather than anything else and I feel so grounded in that!

So, I have never addressed the topic of adoption on this podcast for a couple of reasons: 1) there are a lot of big feelings people have within and outside of the adoption community, and 2) I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to say about it, until recently. 

I was talking with a client of mine and she was telling me about some recent frustrating conversations she had with some extended family. The whole “So when are you going to have kids?” conversation topic came up; she explained that they are about to start IVF, and the question, “Why don’t you just adopt?” was asked. We talked about that amongst some other things, but the topic around adoption kept nagging me. Specifically, why the question can be so ignorant, why  people tend to take it in that direction, and what are things that really do need to be taken into consideration around adoption?

Now, before I get much further into this episode, I’m gonna drop some caveats: this is solely for educational purposes, and there is no hate or shade to anyone who has adopted, is considering adoption, or is pursuing adoption. This is not directed at anyone. This episode is more about helping us all the flesh out this very complex and nuanced issue, and why it can be such a problematic thing to ask people going through infertility. Ok?

1. Lack of Understanding

A lot of folks see adoption as an easy fix, kind of like swapping out a broken light bulb. They don’t realize how emotionally, financially, and legally complex it can be. They’re trying to offer a quick solution to make the pain go away, but it often comes off as dismissive.

• Emotional Toll: People dealing with infertility are often navigating deep grief and loss. Suggesting adoption without acknowledging these emotions can feel dismissive of their pain.

• Financial Costs: Adoption can be incredibly expensive, sometimes costing tens of thousands of dollars. This financial burden is on top of any expenses already incurred from fertility treatments.

• Legal Complexities: The legal process of adoption can be long and complicated, involving home studies, legal fees, and sometimes dealing with interstate or international laws.

2. Idealized View of Adoption

People often view adoption through rose-colored glasses. They think it’s all sunshine and rainbows – like, “Hey, you’re giving a child a home, what could be better?” They miss the part about the potential attachment issues, the grief of the birth parents, and the challenges of transracial or cross-cultural adoption.

• Attachment Issues: Some children, especially those adopted from foster care or international adoption, may have attachment disorders due to previous trauma or neglect.

• Grief of Birth Parents: Birth parents often experience profound grief and loss, which can be lifelong and deeply impactful.

• Transracial/Cross-Cultural Challenges: Adopting a child from a different race or culture comes with its own set of challenges, including helping the child develop a strong cultural identity and dealing with potential racism or discrimination.

3. Unawareness of Challenges

There’s a lot more to adoption than just filling out some paperwork and bringing a child home. The legal hurdles, the waiting periods, the potential for failed matches – it’s a lot. And that’s before you even get to the emotional rollercoaster for both the child and the parents.

• Waiting Periods: The process of adoption can take years, with long waiting periods that can be emotionally draining.

• Failed Matches: Sometimes adoptions fall through at the last minute, which can be devastating for prospective parents who have already emotionally invested in the child.

• Emotional Rollercoaster: The process is filled with ups and downs, including dealing with potential rejection from birth parents and navigating the complexities of open or closed adoptions.

4. Cultural Norms and Pressure

In many cultures, having kids is a big deal, and there’s this pressure to "fix" the infertility issue ASAP. Adoption can seem like a straightforward alternative, but for many, it’s not just about having a child; it’s about the experience of pregnancy and childbirth too.

• Pressure to Conform: Society often places pressure on individuals to have children, and those experiencing infertility might feel judged or inadequate.

• Desire for Biological Experience: For many, the desire to experience pregnancy, childbirth, and a biological connection to their child is significant and deeply personal.

• Family Expectations: Extended family members might also exert pressure, not fully understanding the complexities or the emotional significance of the infertility journey.

5. Emotional Distance

Infertility is a tough topic, and sometimes people suggest adoption because it’s easier than dealing with the raw emotions of grief and loss that come with infertility. It shifts the conversation to something they see as more positive.

• Avoidance of Painful Conversations: People might suggest adoption to avoid having difficult conversations about grief and loss.

• Desire to Fix: There’s a natural human tendency to want to fix problems, and suggesting adoption can seem like a way to solve the "problem" of infertility.

• Positive Spin: Focusing on adoption allows people to steer the conversation towards something they perceive as more hopeful and positive, even if it’s not that simple.

6. Misunderstanding Biological Connection

The desire to have biological children runs deep for many people. It’s not just about having a child but about having that genetic link, experiencing pregnancy, and all that comes with it. Suggesting adoption can feel like telling someone their deep desires don’t matter.

• Genetic Link: Many people have a strong desire to have a genetic connection with their children, which is a natural and deeply ingrained feeling.

• Experience of Pregnancy: Pregnancy and childbirth are significant experiences that many individuals long for and grieve if they cannot experience.

• Family Lineage: There’s often a desire to continue one’s family lineage, which can be a deeply personal and cultural value.

7. Oversimplification

Saying "just adopt" oversimplifies the decision-making process. It’s not like choosing a new brand of cereal. It involves a lot of soul-searching, potential heartbreak, and navigating a complex system.

• Decision-Making Process: Deciding to adopt is a complex and deeply personal decision that involves a lot of soul-searching and discussion.

• Potential Heartbreak: Adoption comes with its own set of risks and potential for heartbreak, such as failed adoptions or challenges in bonding with the child.

• System Navigation: The adoption system is complex, involving legal, financial, and emotional hurdles that need to be carefully navigated.

So even with all of that information, I think what upsets me the most is that it is a dismissive (intentionally or unintentionally) dismissive to the unique challenges, struggles and trauma of adoption. 

Things like:

Identity Struggles

Now, imagine growing up with questions swirling around about who you are and where you come from. Adopted kiddos often grapple with these big, existential questions. It’s not just about the mystery of their biological parents; it’s also about finding their place between two worlds—their birth family and their adoptive family. This can sometimes lead to a bit of an identity crisis, especially during those tumultuous teenage years.

Emotional Baggage

Even if a child is adopted as an infant, there's often an undercurrent of loss and abandonment that can bubble up at different stages of life. These feelings can be like unexpected guests showing up at the most inconvenient times, and they need gentle handling and lots of love.

Cultural Disconnect

Adopting a child from a different culture or country can be a beautiful, enriching experience, but it also comes with its own set of challenges. Your child might struggle to balance their birth culture with their adoptive family's culture. It’s a delicate dance of honoring their heritage while feeling at home in your family. It requires sensitivity, openness, and sometimes a bit of creativity to bridge those gaps.

Medical History Gaps

Ever been to the doctor and had to rattle off your family medical history? Now imagine doing that with significant gaps. Adoptive parents often don’t have a complete medical history for their child, which can complicate things when health issues arise. It’s like trying to solve a puzzle without all the pieces, and it can be pretty stressful when you're trying to keep your little one healthy.

Open vs. Closed Adoption Issues

The debate between open and closed adoptions isn't just about how much information is shared. It can deeply impact a child's sense of privacy and their relationships with both their birth and adoptive families. Open adoptions can lead to beautiful, ongoing relationships but also require boundaries and clear communication. Closed adoptions might simplify things in the short term but can leave a lot of unanswered questions hanging in the air.

Stereotypes and Stigmas

Society still has a long way to go when it comes to understanding adoption. Adoptive families often face stereotypes and stigmas that can be hurtful and downright frustrating. Whether it's intrusive questions or ignorant comments, these societal misunderstandings can add an extra layer of challenge to an already complex journey.

Attachment Challenges

Forming a secure attachment is crucial, but it can be particularly challenging for adopted children, especially if they’ve experienced trauma or instability before joining their forever family. It’s a journey that requires patience, consistency, and sometimes professional support to help build that trust and bond.

Sibling Dynamics

If there are biological children in the family, adding an adopted sibling can shake up the dynamics. It’s not just about making space in your home but also in the hearts of your other children. Jealousy, competition, and confusion about roles can arise, and it takes thoughtful navigation to ensure everyone feels loved and valued.

Financial Burden

Adoption can be an expensive journey, and the costs don’t stop once the paperwork is signed. There can be ongoing expenses for therapy, healthcare, or specialized education, especially if your child has unique needs. It’s a financial commitment that requires planning and sometimes, sacrifices.

Birth Family Reunions

As adopted children grow older, they may express a desire to reconnect with their birth family. This can be a beautiful but complex process, full of emotional highs and lows for everyone involved. It’s about navigating those waters with sensitivity, understanding, and a whole lot of love.

Legal Complexities

Adoption laws vary widely, not just from country to country but even within different regions. The legal process can be long, complicated, and sometimes things don’t go as planned. It’s like a legal maze that requires patience, persistence, and often, the help of a knowledgeable guide.

Societal Expectations

There’s often an unrealistic expectation that adoptive parents should be perfect. This pressure can be overwhelming because, let’s face it, parenting is tough no matter how your family is formed. It's important to remember that you’re doing your best and that it’s okay to seek help and support along the way.

So, next time you hear someone say "just adopt," it might be a good opportunity to share some of these insights. Help them understand that while adoption is a wonderful path for many, it’s not a one-size-fits-all solution and certainly not a cure-all for the pain of infertility.

Ok, that is what I have for you guys this week. Have a great week, and I’ll talk to you soon.