IVF This Podcast Episode #165 IVF & Self Regulation
Welcome to IVF This, episode 165- IVF and Self-Regulation
Hello, hello, hello, my beautiful friends. I hope you're all doing so, so well today. After a long kind of summer break where I took from taking a lot of new clients on, just wanna let you guys know that starting in about two weeks from when this episode drops, so the first of September, my calendar's gonna be opening up again. I'm gonna have a lot more opportunities for new client consultations or what I consider, sorry, what I call the take back your life call, which is, a full hour with me where we can talk about whatever you want to talk about. We can do coaching, I can answer questions, we can see what it would actually be like to work together. It's a free kind of gift that I offer to everyone. So there's gonna be a lot of openings coming up for September. So be on the lookout for that if you've been like a long time listener, but you have kind of always in the background been interested to know what it would be like to talk to me, be coached by me.
This is a perfect opportunity, zero risk. I assume nothing in those meetings. If you enjoy what we're doing, we can absolutely talk about what it would be like to work together. If you know that that's just not something that you have the bandwidth for, but you still need a little bit of support, book it anyway, I promise you. I always want you to get what you come for, whether we end up working together long-term or not.
Please, if you've been on the fence about it, go ahead and schedule your Take Back Your Life call. You can do that on my website, www .ivfthiscoaching .com, or you can do it on either my Instagram or Facebook, my links in those bios. All right, so let's get to a topic today called self -regulation. I've alluded to this topic, but I've never tackled it head on. I think that's kind of been the theme for the last, I don't know, 15 or 20 episodes. We're starting to get a little bit deeper into the weeds.
The last couple of episodes have been really kind of drilling down into the specific things that I talk about, like setting realistic expectations, emotional tolerance, the window of tolerance was the previous week. All of those are fantastic tools and they continue to build on each other and that's what also this episode is gonna be on self -regulation. So, what exactly is self-regulation? It’s about controlling your emotions, behaviors, and thoughts. Here’s a quick breakdown:
Emotional Regulation: Managing your feelings and reacting appropriately.
Behavioral Regulation: Keeping impulses in check and staying disciplined.
Cognitive Regulation: Focusing your attention and processing information efficiently.
Think about staying calm during a stressful meeting, resisting the urge to procrastinate, or keeping your focus on a challenging task. That’s self-regulation in action!
On a nervous system level, to be self-regulated means you’re able to notice the states of dysregulation, which we will cover, and the ability to return yourself to a more balanced or “regulated” place, which we will also cover.
Understanding self-regulation requires a look at the body's nervous system, which plays a crucial role in managing our responses to stress and emotional triggers. Here’s how the nervous system is connected to self-regulation:
The Role of the Autonomic Nervous System
The autonomic nervous system (ANS) is a part of the peripheral nervous system that controls involuntary bodily functions like heartbeat, digestion, and breathing. The ANS is divided into two main branches: the sympathetic nervous system (SNS) and the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS).
Sympathetic Nervous System (SNS):
Often referred to as the "fight or flight" system, the SNS prepares the body to respond to perceived threats. When activated, it increases heart rate, releases adrenaline, and boosts blood flow to muscles. This response is essential for survival but can be counterproductive when triggered by non-threatening everyday stressors.
When you're dysregulated, the SNS might be in overdrive, causing symptoms like rapid heartbeat, sweating, and heightened anxiety.
Parasympathetic Nervous System (PNS):
Known as the "rest and digest" system, the PNS helps the body return to a state of calm after the threat has passed. It slows the heart rate, promotes digestion, and conserves energy. The PNS is crucial for recovery and relaxation.
Effective self-regulation often involves activating the PNS to counterbalance the SNS, helping to calm the body and mind.
The Vagus Nerve
The vagus nerve is a critical component of the PNS and plays a significant role in regulating the body's stress response. It runs from the brainstem through the neck and down to the abdomen, influencing the heart, lungs, and digestive tract.
Vagal Tone:
High vagal tone is associated with a greater ability to relax and recover from stress. It’s linked to improved emotional regulation, social connection, and overall well-being.
Practices that stimulate the vagus nerve, like deep breathing, meditation, and humming, can enhance vagal tone and promote a sense of calm.
When faced with stress, the body undergoes a series of physiological changes designed to prepare for action. While these responses are beneficial in short bursts, chronic activation can lead to health issues and emotional dysregulation. Self-regulation means that you have the flexibility and resilience to move between states while knowing that you can anchor back into that regulated place where you feel present and grounded.
I think most of us think of “regulation” as emotional regulation, but it can be any one of those three. That’s why when I talk about staying focused on the things you can control, I remind you that the only things you can control are how you think, how you feel, and what you do. These are all tied together.
So we have these three areas, what does dysregulation look like?
Recognizing when you're dysregulated is the first step towards managing it, and that’s something we’re going ot talk about in just a little bit, but I want you to know what to look for:
Physical Symptoms:
Increased heart rate or palpitations
Muscle tension or tightness
Stomach issues, like nausea or butterflies
Sweating or feeling hot
Shallow or rapid breathing
Emotional Signs:
Feeling overwhelmed or out of control
Heightened anxiety or panic
Sudden bursts of anger or irritability
Feeling unusually sad or depressed
Experiencing a sense of dread or fear without clear reason
Behavioral Indicators:
Difficulty concentrating or staying focused
Acting impulsively or making hasty decisions
Withdrawing from social interactions
Overreacting to minor inconveniences
Engaging in unhealthy coping mechanisms, like overeating or substance use
Cognitive Clues:
Racing thoughts or an inability to quiet the mind
Catastrophizing or imagining the worst-case scenarios
Negative self-talk or self-criticism
Difficulty making decisions or feeling indecisive
Memory problems or forgetting important details
Trying to make a decision is difficult bc it feels like it has to be the exact right decision, and it has the weight of the world on it, can be a sign
Social and Relational Signs:
Conflicts with friends, family, or colleagues
Feeling misunderstood or overly sensitive to criticism
Difficulty expressing yourself clearly
Avoiding social situations or interactions
Feeling disconnected or isolated from others
An important note about dysregulation is that when we are dysregulated, when we are stressed, our brain will shut down important parts of our body- because it is trying to streamline your body for that fight or flight response. You’ve heard me talk about this before that our brains cannot differentiate between a tiger trying to kill us and us sitting at home terrified of what the results will be from beta or the stim cycle- it interprets the “threats” the same way. Full on, DANGER.
And the brain isn't a slouch, it will shut off important things like our immune function, our digestive system, or reproductive system, hormone regulation, logiscal thinking and decision-making. But the thing is, the brain was only meant to do those things for a short amount of time- so being in a chronic state of dysregulation is good for NO ONE. Which leads me into-
Why is self-regulation important?
Because life will always have things that will throw you off-balance, I listened to a speech a basketball coach gave one time- I feel bad that I cannot remember the coach or what the context was, but I distinctly remember them saying, “You don’t need to wait for life to get easy. It never will. Get better at managing the hard.” And that’s the cornerstone of self-regulation, learning how to manage the hard parts of life better, and for what we talk about on this podcast, infertility and IVF.
To be self-regulated means that you have the ability to regulate your own nervous system in response to internal and external circumstances. Self-regulation is a skill, and just like any other skill, it takes time, intention, and practice to cultivate. When you do, life gets better. It gets a little bit easier to manage. Relationships are smoother, work feels maybe a bit easier, anxiety and depression symptoms are much less likely to interfere with you and your life.
So HOW- that’s the big question
Dr. Bruce perry coined the Three R’s for regulation:
Regulate- and I’m going ot give you specific examples below
Relate, and finally
Reason
So let’s cover regulate first:
Typically we talk about two main ways- top down, using your mind to control the signals going on in your body, or bottom up which is using your body to control the signals that are going on that are telling you, you are in danger.
The Top-down approach:
Find something that takes focus and concentration. The goal is to occupy your prefrontal cortex with something that is stimulating enough that you can’t really do anything else.
Gardening
Art
Crochet or similar things
Interestingly, there have a lot of studies that have looked at using the game Tetris as a mechanism of self-regulation
Really anything that requires a high degree of concentration will have a positive impact on your brain and your body- when dysregulated.
I can feel the question coming, “But Emily, what if the thing that requires a high degree of concentration is the thing that is dysregulating me (i.e. a work or school presentation or something). Well, friends, that’s where the bottom-up approach comes in.
So I’m going to share three techniques related to the bottom up approach. I do have a video recording of this episode on my You Tube channel if I’m explaining something, but you need a visual. That was also a shameless plug that “hey, I have a youtube channel you should go check out.”
Ok, so the first is Bilateral stimulation
Chest pounding
Butterfly technique
Deep diaphragmatic breathing
Some people enjoy lo-fi music spotify has some great playlists for lo-fi artists. Also, Bilateral stimulation music, which there are also several playlists of that on Spotify, if you’re not interested in the physical stimulus.
Physical exercise- you knew I wasn’t going to skip this one. High impact or low impact- you still get the endorphins to help with regulation.
Singing or dancing- excellent ways to regulate
The second R is relate: and this is true whether it’s you that’s dysregulated or someone else- they HAVE to get themselves regulated first, using something like what I just talked about. Once regulated, you turn to relate. Since we’re talking about self-regulation- that’s going to look like compassion. It’s going to look like self-acceptance. “Man, I’m really struggling right now. This is really hard for me. This would be hard for anyone in my situation. What I am feeling/ experiencing is understandable and valid.” That is how you can relate to yourself.
And the third R, is reason. This is an opportunity to reflect, learn, remember, communicate, repair- AFTER you are regulated. If you yelled at your best friend or your partner when you were dysregulated, then focus on repair- “I was really dysregulated (or however you want to say it) and I (describe the action you took, ONLY you) and I am sorry.”
Maybe you went straight into work after a really tough blood draw at the clinic, did take time to regulate yourself, and maybe you feel like your work was sloppy, or you weren’t able to focus. Reasoning would say, “After my next appt I’m going ot do XYZ “sing/scream in the car on my way to work to let out all the anxiety, so I will be ready to focus as much as I can when I get to work.”
If you reacted to something or someone when you were dysregulated, you’re not a monster or a horrible person. You’re a person going through a hard time. The reasoning steps is not an excuse to beat the crap out of yourself. It’s an opportunity for accountability and reparation. That’s all. And that’s possible when you do that second step and relate to yourself. When you extend that compassion to yourself, after you have regulated yourself, you are much more likely to be able to reason by reflecting and learning. Learning how to take care of yourself. Because that’s something we aren’t really taught how to do. But stick with me, and you can learn.
Ok, that is what I have for you today. I hope you have a great week, and I will tlak to you soon.