Today, we are going to talk about all things judgment: what judgments are, why they are an important part of being human when they go too far, the types or themes of judgments I see with my clients, and how to start unpacking them. This is like an unofficial part one of a two-part series because next week, we will talk about openness- which is directly related to judgment. 

It's entirely normal to be judgmental at times. Being judgmental is a natural human tendency, rooted in our instincts to evaluate situations, people, and experiences to navigate the world safely. However, it's important to recognize when judgmental thoughts become harmful or unhelpful, both to ourselves and others.

Judgment often stems from our own insecurities, fears, or unmet needs, and it can be a way of protecting ourselves from perceived threats or discomfort. For example, judging others harshly might be because we're feeling vulnerable or uncertain about something in our own lives. 

So, it is not inherently a bad thing. However, it can be harmful to you or those around you when done to excess or when there is a rigidity to your judgments. Judgments are described, from a clinical or psychological place as a form of cognitive distortion. Now, if you’ve never heard that phrase “cognitive Distortion” before, I’m going ot give you a crash course in them, but really only how they tie to judgment. I might do a stand-alone episode to cover all I think there’s like around 15 identified cognitive distortions, so I might do one that covers them all. But, in general, Cognitive distortions are like mental filters or lenses through which we view the world, but these lenses can sometimes be distorted or inaccurate. They are ways of thinking that are biased, exaggerated, or overly negative, which can lead to misunderstandings, emotional distress, and unhealthy behaviors.

Imagine looking through a pair of glasses that make everything seem darker or blurrier than it actually is. Cognitive distortions are similar—they make situations, ourselves, or others seem worse or more extreme than they really are.

Here’s a simple breakdown:

1. Unrealistic Thinking Patterns

• Cognitive distortions are patterns of thinking that twist reality. They often make us believe things that aren’t fully true, like thinking, "If I make one mistake, I’m a total failure," or "Everyone is out to get me."

2. Automatic and Subconscious

• These thoughts often happen automatically, without us even realizing it. They can be deeply ingrained habits of thought that we’ve developed over time, often as a way to cope with stress or negative experiences.

3. Impact on Emotions and Behavior

• When we think in these distorted ways, it affects how we feel and act. For example, if we believe that everyone is judging us, we might feel anxious or avoid social situations, even if that belief isn’t true.

4. Examples of Cognitive Distortions

• Black-and-White Thinking: Seeing things in extremes, like “I’m either perfect, or I’m a complete failure.”

• Overgeneralization: Drawing broad conclusions based on a single event, like thinking, “I failed this test, so I’ll fail all tests.”

• Catastrophizing: Expecting the worst possible outcome in every situation, like assuming, “If I make a mistake at work, I’ll get fired.” 

So, the types of cognitive distortions that are most common when we talk about judgment as:

Black-and-white thinking: think in those extremes: right/wrong, yes/no, true/false.

Overgeneralization- making broad, sweeping judgments based on a single event or limited evidence. For example, this is the first time you’re meeting someone, and they ask the dreaded “Do you have any kids?” question, and you leave that conversation believing, “They are a rude and thoughtless person.” 

Mental Filtering is another: this is when you focus solely on the negative aspects of a situation or person while ignoring the positive. 

Mind reading: I think this is pretty self-explanatory but it’s when you assume you know what others are thinking and often interpreting their thoughts and actions in a negative or judgmental way. 

“Should-ing” on yourself or someone: This involves holding yourself or others to rigid, unrealistic expectations, leading to judgment when these expectations are not met. It often comes with thoughts like “They should do this” or “I should be better.”

And then, personalization: This is when you take things too personally, assuming that others’ behavior or events are directly related to you, leading to self-judgment or judgment of others.

Again, judgment is a normal and natural human condition. However, Judgment as a cognitive distortion often involves seeing the world through a distorted lens that amplifies negative perceptions and reduces the capacity for balanced, compassionate thinking.

So, I’m going to share some judgments. Now I split these into two categories, mostly because that’s how I make sense of them in my mind.

So there’s the judgments that people, and maybe even you or your family at some point, have about IVF. 

And then, because we are all human, some judgements that we as IVF’ers, or someone going through infertility have about those that are NOT on the same journey as us. 

Now, my little disclaimer: these are not meant to call anyone out or for you to pass judgment on anyone, including yourself. These are things you might not have ever considered judgments, so all we’re trying to do is to create some awareness. When we have awareness and insight into why we do what we do, it’s then that we get to intentionally decide if this is something we want to continue doing or not. That’s the whole point.

Judgments around IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) can vary widely, often influenced by cultural, social, and personal beliefs. Here are some common judgments that people might have:

1. Judgment About “Naturalness”

• Belief: Some people believe that conceiving a child through IVF is "unnatural."

• Impact: This can lead to feelings of shame or inadequacy for those undergoing fertility treatment, as if they are less of a parent or their journey to parenthood is somehow less valid. 

2. Judgment About Worthiness

• Belief: There’s a misconception that only certain people “deserve” to have children, whether due to age, financial status, or lifestyle choices.

• Impact: These judgments can create unnecessary guilt or doubt for individuals or couples pursuing IVF, questioning their right to become parents.

3. Judgment About “Playing God”

• Belief: Some view IVF as interfering with nature or divine will, considering it as "playing God."

• Impact: This judgment can foster feelings of conflict or guilt, particularly for those who hold religious or spiritual beliefs, making the decision to pursue IVF even more emotionally complex.

4. Judgment About Success Rates

• Belief: There is often pressure for IVF to “work” quickly, with an assumption that if it doesn’t, something is wrong with the person undergoing treatment.

• Impact: This can lead to a sense of failure or inadequacy, adding to the emotional toll of fertility treatments.

5. Judgment About Financial Decisions

• Belief: Some people judge the decision to spend large amounts of money on IVF, suggesting that the resources could be “better spent” elsewhere or questioning the financial priorities of those undergoing treatment.

• Impact: This judgment can exacerbate the stress and pressure surrounding the financial aspects of IVF, leading to feelings of guilt or defensiveness.

6. Judgment About the Child’s Origins

• Belief: There’s sometimes a stigma around children conceived through IVF, with judgments that they are somehow “different” or less legitimate than children conceived naturally.

• Impact: This can affect not only the parents but also the children themselves, leading to concerns about identity and belonging as they grow older.

7. Judgment About Age

• Belief: Older women, in particular, may face judgment for pursuing IVF, with assumptions that they are “too old” to be parents or that they are selfish for wanting a child later in life.

• Impact: This can lead to added pressure and feelings of guilt, questioning whether it’s right to pursue parenthood at a certain age.

8. Judgment About Single or Same-Sex Parents

• Belief: Single individuals or same-sex couples may face judgment for wanting to have children through IVF, with some believing that children need a “traditional” family structure.

• Impact: This can create additional hurdles for individuals or couples in these situations, making an already challenging process even more difficult.

9. Judgment About “Easy” Solutions

• Belief: There’s a misconception that IVF is an “easy” solution to infertility, underestimating the emotional, physical, and financial toll it takes.

• Impact: This can lead to a lack of empathy or understanding from others, minimizing the struggles that individuals or couples face during fertility treatment.

10. Judgment About Emotional Responses

• Belief: People may judge how someone emotionally responds to IVF, whether they think someone is too hopeful, too negative, or too obsessed with the process.

• Impact: This judgment can invalidate the very real emotions involved in the IVF journey, making individuals feel misunderstood or unsupported.

These judgments, whether subtle or overt, can contribute to feelings of isolation, shame, or pressure for those undergoing IVF.

And conversely, some of the judgements that we can have towards people who might not be experiencing infertility or going through IVF- and I say “might not be” because we genuinely don’t know unless someone tells us. These judgments often stem from deep emotional pain, frustration, and a sense of isolation that can accompany the infertility journey. Here are some common judgments:

1. Judgment About Taking Fertility for Granted

• Belief: There may be a perception that people who conceive easily don’t appreciate the gift of fertility or take it for granted.

• Impact: This can lead to feelings of resentment or bitterness, especially when others casually talk about pregnancy or complain about aspects of parenting.

2. Judgment About Insensitivity

• Belief: People without infertility struggles may be seen as insensitive or unaware of the pain that comments or actions can cause, such as asking about when someone plans to have children or making assumptions about family planning.

• Impact: This can cause those experiencing infertility to withdraw from social situations or relationships where they feel misunderstood or hurt.

3. Judgment About Lack of Understanding

• Belief: There may be a sense that those who haven’t struggled with infertility simply can’t understand the emotional, physical, and financial toll it takes.

• Impact: This can create a barrier in relationships, leading to a sense of isolation or the belief that others cannot truly empathize with their situation.

4. Judgment About Effortlessness

• Belief: People who conceive easily might be seen as having an “easy” life in comparison, leading to the judgment that they don’t have to work as hard for their happiness or family.

• Impact: This can foster feelings of envy or frustration, especially when faced with pregnancy announcements or the birth of children in their social circles.

5. Judgment About Unsolicited Advice

• Belief: Those who haven’t experienced infertility may offer unsolicited advice or opinions on how to conceive, which can feel dismissive or oversimplified.

• Impact: This can lead to annoyance or anger, reinforcing the idea that others don’t truly understand the complexity of infertility.

6. Judgment About Prioritization

• Belief: There may be a judgment that people who don’t struggle with infertility prioritize their careers, finances, or lifestyle choices differently, and perhaps more easily, than those dealing with infertility.

• Impact: This can lead to feelings of inadequacy or comparison, questioning whether one’s own priorities or life circumstances have contributed to their infertility struggle.

7. Judgment About Family Size

• Belief: People who have multiple children without difficulty may be judged as “overly fertile,” with a sense of unfairness that some can have many children while others struggle to have one.

• Impact: This can intensify feelings of jealousy or injustice, particularly in social situations where large families are present or discussed.

8. Judgment About Casual Pregnancy Announcements

• Belief: Those who announce pregnancies in a casual or public manner might be judged as insensitive, especially if they do so without considering who might be struggling with infertility.

• Impact: This can cause emotional pain, leading those experiencing infertility to avoid social media or other settings where these announcements are common.

9. Judgment About “Ideal” Timing

• Belief: People who conceive at what might be considered the “ideal” time (e.g., within a few years of marriage, before a certain age) might be judged as having a “perfect” life plan that feels unattainable for those struggling with infertility.

• Impact: This can create a sense of inadequacy or failure, as if those struggling with infertility have somehow missed out on a perfect life timeline.

10. Judgment About “Accidental” Pregnancies

• Belief: Unplanned or “accidental” pregnancies might be seen as unfair or frustrating, particularly when someone is struggling to conceive intentionally.

• Impact: This can lead to a sense of deep frustration or resentment, feeling that the randomness of fertility is especially cruel to those who are actively trying to conceive.

These judgments are often rooted in the pain, frustration, and emotional turmoil that accompany infertility.

Now, I will say it one more time: judgments are normal and natural responses. While they’re a natural response to a very difficult situation, it’s important to recognize these feelings and work towards compassion—for oneself and for others—to avoid further emotional harm and isolation.

And that last part, is why I wanted to write this episode. Because the more deeply entrenched we get in our judgments, especially around our experiences, oftentimes leads to additional pain and suffering. We’ve got enough of that during this journey we don’t need to add on. 

Unpacking and releasing judgment, while acknowledging it as a normal human experience, is a delicate process that involves self-compassion, awareness, and intentional action. So, here’s some suggestions:

1. Acknowledge your judgments without shame. The first step is to notice when you’re being judgmental. Acknowledge these thoughts without immediately trying to push them away or judge yourself for having them. Remind yourself that being judgmental is a natural human response. It doesn’t make you a bad person; it simply reflects your current state of mind or emotions.

2. Practice Self-Compassion. Recognize that judging is part of the human experience, and be gentle with yourself as you work through it. Harsh self-criticism only deepens the judgment cycle. Remind yourself that it’s okay to have these thoughts and that you’re working towards understanding and releasing them. Phrases like “It’s okay to feel this way” or “I’m learning to be more compassionate” can be helpful.

3. Explore the root of the judgment. Ask yourself where this judgment is coming from. Is it rooted in your own insecurities, fears, or past experiences? Sometimes, judgments are a way of projecting our inner struggles onto others.

4. Challenge your judgements. Is this judgment really true? Is there evidence to support it, or is it based on assumptions? Challenging the validity of your judgments can help you see them in a different light. Think about alternative explanations for the situation. This can open up your mind to different possibilities and reduce the intensity of your judgment.

5. And finally, Release the need to be right. PHEW! If this last one is not part of the work of my life. Often, judgments are tied to a desire to be right or to control how others behave. Recognize that it’s okay to let go of this need and to accept things as they are, even if they don’t align with your expectations. People will people. And the more comfortable you are, the more compassionate you are for others and yourself, the easier it will be to navigate some of these more challenging situations. 

Now, the expectation with understanding this have never been and will never be about perfections. Releasing judgment isn’t about being perfect; it’s about progress. 

There is not a person living that has ZERO judgment. The point of understanding this is to know when Judgment goes too far when it crosses the line from being a natural human response to becoming harmful, destructive, or limiting—either to yourself or to others.

Ok, that is what I have for you today, my beautiful friends. I hope you have a wonderful week and I will talk to you soon.