Today will be a short but sweet continuation of last week’s episode about judgment. So, I will talk a little bit about how they are related but different; I’m going to share a story about how I learned to be more open-minded and that, yes, you can have openness and boundaries bc that comes up a lot when I talk to my clients about openness. 

Judgment and openness are like two sides of the same coin. They’re different ways we deal with information, interact with people, and make decisions, but they’re definitely connected.

Judgment vs. Openness: Opposites Attract

• Judgment Closes the Door: When we judge, we’re quick to form opinions or conclusions, often without taking in all the info. It’s a bit rigid, like deciding something is black or white, and it usually means we’re not super interested in hearing anything that might change our mind.

• Openness Leaves the Door Ajar: On the flip side, being open is all about considering new ideas and perspectives. It’s more about being curious and willing to explore different angles, which helps us keep an open mind.

Finding the Balance

• Judgment Can Be Helpful: Judgment isn’t all bad—it can be super useful when you need to make quick decisions or set boundaries. The trick is to make sure your judgments are informed and that you stay open to changing them if new info comes up.

• Openness Needs Some Boundaries: Being open doesn’t mean you just accept everything without thinking it through. It’s about exploring new ideas while still using good judgment to figure out what makes sense and what doesn’t.

How We See Things

• Judgment Narrows Our View: When we’re in judgment mode, we tend to see things through a narrow lens. We focus on stuff that backs up our original opinion and might miss out on things that don’t fit that view.

• Openness Broadens Our Perspective: Openness lets us take a step back and see the bigger picture. It’s about looking beyond our first impressions and considering all the different pieces before deciding.

Impact on Relationships

• Judgment Puts Up Walls: In relationships, judgment can be a real barrier. It can make us less open to understanding where the other person is coming from, leading to misunderstandings and conflicts.

• Openness Builds Bridges: Openness, though, helps create stronger connections. When we’re open, we’re more likely to listen and really try to understand others, which can lead to deeper, more meaningful relationships.

What It Does to Our Mental State

• Judgment = More Stress: Being judgmental can actually stress us out more. It often comes with a lot of criticism, whether towards ourselves or others, and that can weigh on our mental health.

• Openness = Less Stress: Openness tends to go hand in hand with a more positive outlook. When we’re open, we’re not as stuck on rigid expectations, which helps reduce stress and makes us more flexible and resilient.

Personal Growth

• Judgment Can Hold Us Back: Judgment can keep us stuck in a fixed mindset. When we see things as only good or bad, we might miss out on opportunities to learn and grow from the in-between.

• Openness Fuels Growth: Openness is key to a growth mindset. It helps us see challenges and new experiences as chances to learn and evolve, pushing us forward instead of keeping us stuck.

The Push and Pull

• Switching Between the Two: We all move between being judgmental and being open, depending on the situation or how we’re feeling. For example, you might be open to feedback at work but more judgmental during a debate.

• Staying Aware: The key is to notice when you’re being judgmental and when you’re being open. Mindfulness can help with this, making it easier to catch yourself when you’re closing off and encourage yourself to stay open.

There is absolutely a place for both openness and judgment. It is your job to understand when and how that judgment might become less than ideal or helpful for you, which I covered in the previous episode. 

Now, whenever I talk to my clients about judgment vs. openness, the question of boundaries comes up, which I think is totally valid. As a society, we’re not great with boundaries, either in that we don’t know how to set them or how to maintain them, or we just don’t have a great understanding of what boundaries would look like. 

Setting boundaries during the IVF journey is crucial for maintaining your mental and emotional health. IVF can be an intense, all-consuming experience, and without clear boundaries, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed or lose sight of your own needs. Here’s why boundaries matter so much:

• Protecting Your Emotional Energy: IVF involves a lot of emotional ups and downs, from the anticipation of each cycle to the stress of waiting for results. By setting boundaries, you can protect your emotional energy and avoid getting too drained. For instance, you might decide not to engage in every conversation about your treatment, especially if it’s with people who tend to offer unsolicited advice or share horror stories. It’s okay to say, “I appreciate your concern, but I’d rather not discuss this right now.”

• Managing Information Overload: There’s a ton of information out there about IVF—some of it helpful, some of it not so much. Setting boundaries around how much information you take in can help you avoid feeling overwhelmed. For example, you might decide to limit the time you spend reading IVF forums or researching online. While staying informed is important, too much information can lead to confusion or anxiety, so it’s okay to set a limit.

• Keeping Relationships Healthy: Boundaries are also vital in maintaining healthy relationships during IVF. Loved ones might have strong opinions about your choices, but their well-meaning advice can sometimes add stress. By setting clear boundaries, you can keep these relationships supportive rather than stressful. For instance, you could let your family know that while you value their support, you and your partner are the ones making the final decisions about your treatment.

• Prioritizing Your Well-Being: IVF can become the center of your life if you let it, but it’s important to maintain a balance. Setting boundaries helps you carve out time and space for other aspects of your life that bring you joy and fulfillment, whether that’s your work, hobbies, or social life. This way, you’re not losing yourself entirely to the process.

Striking the Right Balance

Finding the right balance between being open and maintaining boundaries is a bit of an art. It’s about knowing when to let new ideas, advice, or support in and when to protect yourself by keeping certain things out. Here’s how you can strike that balance:

• Know Your Limits: The first step is understanding your own limits. Reflect on what makes you feel comfortable and supported, and what tends to overwhelm or stress you out. For example, if you find that too many opinions from others start to cloud your judgment, it might be a sign to dial back on sharing details with a wide circle. Knowing your limits helps you decide where to be open and where to set boundaries.

• Be Selectively Open: Openness doesn’t mean you have to be an open book with everyone. It’s about being selective with whom and what you’re open to. Maybe you’re open to discussing your IVF journey with close friends who understand what you’re going through, but you keep things more private with acquaintances or coworkers. Or, you might be open to considering different treatment options but set a boundary when it comes to things that don’t align with your values, like how many cycles you’re willing to undergo or whether you’re open to using donor eggs or sperm.

• Communicate Clearly: Clear communication is key to maintaining boundaries while staying open. If you’ve decided to keep certain aspects of your IVF journey private, let people know in a kind but firm way. For example, you might say, “I appreciate your interest, but we’re keeping this part of the process between us right now.” On the flip side, if you’re open to hearing new ideas or advice, you can express that too, while still making it clear that you’ll ultimately make decisions based on what feels right for you.

• Stay Flexible: It’s important to stay flexible and adjust your boundaries as needed. IVF is a dynamic process, and what you’re comfortable with might change over time. Maybe at first, you’re open to trying different types of treatments, but later you decide you need to set a boundary to avoid feeling overwhelmed by too many options. Or perhaps you start off sharing a lot with others, but as the process goes on, you realize you need to pull back and keep more to yourself. Being open to adjusting your boundaries as you go can help you stay balanced.

• Check In With Yourself Regularly: As you navigate IVF, it’s important to regularly check in with yourself to see how you’re feeling. Are your current boundaries serving you, or do they need to be adjusted? Are you staying open enough to allow for new possibilities, or are you feeling too exposed? Regular self-reflection can help you maintain that balance between openness and boundaries, ensuring that you’re taking care of yourself throughout the process.

Now, I promised you a little anecdote about my own learning about judgment. So this is when I was a baby social worker; that’s what we call ourselves when we are newer to the profession. I was doing my clinical work during my master’s program and one of my responsibilities was running a group therapy session everyday with my patients. 

And we had this client who, as I described them to my supervisor, was “very resistant to the concepts I was trying to teach, closed off, and wouldn’t participate in the group.”

So my supervisor said: And when you think, “They are very resistant,” what happens to you?

I responded, after a LONG reflective pause, “I think I get frustrated.”

She responded, “And what would happen to you if you noticed that I was getting frustrated in this conversation?”

I said, “I would probably shut down.”

And then she hit me with a one -two punch of who was really being the resistant one, which was obviously me, right? Based on their behavior, I had decided that I was resistant, that I had decided that they were resistant and closed off. So in turn, I became resistant and closed off towards that patient, which was not a healthy therapeutic relationship for us. The second of the one -two punch was, so that takes me back to when was the first time in your life that you felt frustrated with someone that didn't get it. 

And then we had to unpack some family stuff and all that. But that's what we're talking about. Very often, judgment, the opposite of openness, right? Judgment is very much a projection of what we have experienced, our own thoughts, our own opinions, our own biases, that we are then projecting on someone else. So that kind of closes the loop on the openness versus judgment. I'm gonna continue this theme throughout the next few episodes because I do think it's very, very important. think that because so much information and especially in our current political climate, especially in our current political climate in the US, IVF is a much more discussed topic. And so I feel like the balance between openness and judgment, Maybe if you're going through an active treatment right now, you might even be feeling like it's become much more of a political talking point. So I think it's important for us to kind of keep some of these concepts in mind. And as always, we're not using this stuff against ourselves, right? That's the first rule of thought work. We don't use what we come to understand from ourselves. We don't use what we have, the knowledge and the awareness that we've gained against ourselves. That's not the point. The point is to say, I can see, like from my example of my own learning, I can see how my thought process about this patient left me in a position where I was not being a good therapist, where I was not being a good counselor to that patient, right? I wasn't even advocating for that patient, like how they could be more receptive, what supports they might need to be more comfortable or more present during our group therapy, I had just decided that they were resistant and closed off and that was the end of it, right? So that is thematically something that has gone through my mind in many, different aspects, whether it's friendships, professional relationships, my own marriage, my relationship with my children. The theme of judgment and openness is always going to be there. So I just want you guys to kind of think about how that works for you and what that can look like. Okay? So that is what I have for you today. I hope you have a beautiful week and I will talk to you soon. Bye bye.