Today’s topic is a bit heavier but incredibly important to discuss, and it’s one that I think resonates with so many people going through IVF or any other challenging journey. We are going to talk about self-gaslighting. We’ll explore what it is, how it shows up during IVF, and most importantly, how to stop gaslighting yourself and start validating your own experiences and feelings. 

First, I want to start with a general baseline understanding of what ‘gaslighting’ is because, like many things in our cultural zeitgeist, it has been kind of appropriated and being misused (similar things have happened around the words trauma and narcissism, etc.

The term "gaslighting" originates from a 1938 play called Gas Light, written by British playwright Patrick Hamilton. The story centers around a husband who manipulates his wife into questioning her own reality and sanity. In the play, one of the key tactics the husband uses is dimming the gas lights in their home and then insisting that nothing has changed when his wife notices the flickering. This constant denial of her observations, along with other manipulative behaviors, leads the wife to doubt her own perceptions and mental stability.

The play was later adapted into two films, one in 1940 and a more famous version in 1944 starring Ingrid Bergman, Charles Boyer, and Angela Lansbury. The term "gaslighting" became a shorthand for a type of psychological manipulation where the abuser makes the victim doubt their own reality or sanity.

In modern usage, gaslighting refers to a form of emotional abuse where one person deliberately distorts the truth, withholds information, or denies past events to make another person question their memory, perception, or judgment. It's often used to describe situations in personal relationships, but it can also apply to broader social, political, or professional contexts.

The term gaslighting began gaining cultural relevance and widespread use in the 2010s, particularly as awareness grew around emotional abuse and psychological manipulation in relationships. Its surge in popularity can be attributed to a few key factors:

1. Increased Focus on Mental Health and Emotional Abuse Awareness

2. Social Media and Online Communities

3. Political Discourse

4. Pop Psychology and Self-Help Culture

5. Mainstream Media and Pop Culture

The Impact of Gaslighting's Cultural Relevance

As the term gained relevance, it empowered people to identify and name subtle forms of manipulation, offering a sense of validation. With it came a better understanding of how psychological abuse operates and the long-lasting impact it can have on self-trust and mental health.

All that to say, gaslighting is very real. And so it self-gaslighting. 

So now that we’re all on the same page that gaslighting as a form of emotional manipulation, where someone makes you doubt your own reality. Self-gaslighting, however, is when you are the one doubting or invalidating your own feelings, experiences, and perceptions. It’s those moments when you tell yourself, "I’m just being dramatic," or "Maybe I’m overreacting," when you’re actually having a legitimate emotional response to a stressful or painful experience.

For many of us, this behavior is so ingrained that we don’t even realize we’re doing it. It often stems from a belief that our emotions aren’t valid, that we should be stronger, or that others have it worse. The IVF journey is a breeding ground for self-gaslighting because of its high emotional stakes, societal pressures, and the layers of hope and disappointment that come with each cycle.

Here's what self-gaslighting can look like:

1. Minimizing Your Emotions:
   "It’s not that bad. I shouldn’t be upset."
   Reality check: IVF is hard. The constant anticipation, the invasive medical procedures, the emotional rollercoaster—it’s all intense. Telling yourself that you shouldn’t feel a certain way doesn’t make the feelings go away; it just pushes them deeper, where they can cause even more distress.

2. Comparing Yourself to Others:
   "Other people have it worse. I have no right to complain."
   Reality check: Your pain is valid. Whether or not others have it worse, your experience is unique to you. Dismissing your struggles because someone else is struggling more is a form of self-gaslighting. It’s okay to acknowledge the challenges you’re facing without comparing yourself to others.

3. Blaming Yourself for Failed Cycles:
   "Maybe I didn’t do enough. It’s my fault."
   Reality check: There is so much about IVF that is out of your control. Blaming yourself for things like how your body responds to treatment or the outcome of a cycle is unfair. You are doing the best you can in an incredibly difficult situation. Self-blame is a harsh form of self-gaslighting that only adds to your stress.

4. Invalidating Your Need for Rest:
   "I should be doing more. Resting is lazy."
   Reality check: IVF takes a tremendous physical and emotional toll on your body. Resting is not lazy—it’s necessary. Your worth is not tied to how much you can push through or accomplish in a day.

So why do we do it? We have all the information; we know where the terms come from; we know how dangerous it can be to relationships (specifically our relationship with ourselves), so why do we do it?

Self-gaslighting doesn’t just happen out of nowhere. It’s often rooted in deeply ingrained beliefs and responses that we may not even be fully aware of. Let’s explore some of the common reasons behind this tendency, especially in the context of IVF.

1. Societal and Cultural Conditioning

Many of us grow up in cultures that emphasize stoicism and "toughing it out." We’re subtly or explicitly taught that certain feelings—like sadness, frustration, or fear—are signs of weakness. For instance, in Western culture, there’s often a focus on positive thinking, sometimes even at the expense of processing real emotions. This “toxic positivity” can make us feel like we’re failing if we aren’t constantly upbeat and resilient, even in the face of significant hardship like IVF.

Over time, these cultural messages can lead us to suppress our feelings and convince ourselves that our emotional responses aren’t valid. In IVF, this can show up when we tell ourselves we shouldn’t feel disappointed, ashamed, or fearful—even though these emotions are perfectly reasonable responses to a challenging experience. We begin to doubt our feelings because we’ve internalized the message that only “positive” emotions are acceptable.

2. Fear of Vulnerability and Judgement

Infertility and IVF are already sensitive topics, and sharing feelings around these experiences can feel vulnerable. Self-gaslighting can be a way of protecting ourselves from vulnerability and the fear of being judged by others. If we downplay our pain or dismiss our feelings, we avoid the potential discomfort of exposing those emotions to the world—or even to ourselves.

For many, there’s also a fear of judgment from others who may not understand the emotional toll of infertility and IVF. This fear can make us think, “Maybe I am being dramatic,” or “Maybe people will think I’m overreacting.” By minimizing our feelings through self-gaslighting, we try to shield ourselves from potential criticism, but this ultimately leads to further internal conflict and invalidation.

3. Internalized Perfectionism

Perfectionism is another common culprit behind self-gaslighting. When we hold ourselves to impossible standards—always needing to be strong, in control, and capable of handling everything that comes our way—it can lead us to dismiss any emotions or experiences that don’t align with this image. If we’re struggling, our inner critic often kicks in, telling us we’re “weak” or “not trying hard enough.” This harsh self-judgment can then turn into self-gaslighting, where we deny our real feelings to maintain an illusion of control and perfection.

Perfectionism can be particularly intense during IVF because of the high stakes involved. We may tell ourselves that we shouldn’t feel scared, sad, or angry because “strong” people don’t let their emotions get in the way. But these standards are unrealistic and only serve to add pressure on an already overwhelming journey.

4. Self-Blame and the Need for Control

IVF is a process full of uncertainty, and so much of it is out of our control. The need for control, however, is deeply ingrained in many of us. Self-blame—one of the ways self-gaslighting shows up—is often an attempt to regain some sense of control. We tell ourselves, “If only I had done XYZ differently, maybe this would have worked out.” While this self-blame can feel like a way to make sense of an unpredictable experience, it’s actually just self-gaslighting, where we assume more responsibility than we deserve.

Believing that we have full control over the outcome can be comforting in a strange way; it suggests that we have the power to influence things by doing everything “perfectly.” Unfortunately, this leads to a cycle of self-blame when things don’t go as planned, adding to the emotional toll.

5. Protecting Against Disappointment

Self-gaslighting can sometimes be a defense mechanism to protect against disappointment. By downplaying our hopes or emotions, we try to avoid the full impact of disappointment if things don’t turn out as expected. For example, you might tell yourself, “It’s not a big deal if this cycle doesn’t work,” or “I shouldn’t be this hopeful.” But in reality, minimizing your hopes or emotions doesn’t protect you from disappointment; it just suppresses your genuine feelings.

This form of self-gaslighting can lead to emotional detachment, which may feel safer in the short term but actually deprives us of fully experiencing the journey—including moments of hope and joy that are just as important as the struggles. Trying to numb yourself to protect against possible pain often results in a diminished sense of self.

6. Habitual Negative Self-Talk

Many people carry a pattern of negative self-talk that becomes almost automatic over time. If you’ve spent years being critical of yourself or questioning your worth, self-gaslighting may feel almost like second nature. This can manifest as an internal monologue that’s always looking for faults, second-guessing your feelings, or trying to downplay your pain. In IVF, this tendency can intensify, as the pressure and emotional ups and downs provide ample fodder for that inner critic.

The problem with habitual self-gaslighting is that it reinforces negative beliefs about yourself, creating a cycle where you continually doubt your feelings and experiences. Breaking free from this habit requires a conscious effort to replace self-doubt with self-compassion.

7. The Influence of Cognitive Distortions

Finally, cognitive distortions—automatic, biased ways of thinking—play a significant role in self-gaslighting. Some common cognitive distortions that lead to self-gaslighting include:

• Minimization: Downplaying your pain or telling yourself, “It’s not that bad,” or “Others have it worse,” which invalidates your personal experience.

• All-or-Nothing Thinking: Believing that if you’re not completely strong or resilient, you’re weak or a failure, ignoring the reality that human emotions exist on a spectrum.

• Should Statements: Telling yourself things like, “I should be stronger,” or “I shouldn’t feel this way,” which imposes unrealistic standards on yourself.

During IVF, these cognitive distortions can become amplified, leading you to dismiss your emotions instead of allowing yourself to process them. Recognizing and challenging these distortions can be a powerful step toward reducing self-gaslighting.

Self-gaslighting is a complex and often unconscious response to societal pressures, perfectionism, a desire for control, and deeply ingrained patterns of negative self-talk. Understanding these roots can help us become more compassionate with ourselves, recognizing that self-gaslighting is a learned response, not a personal flaw. Through awareness and self-compassion, we can begin to dismantle these patterns and learn to validate our own experiences on this challenging journey.

How to Stop Self-Gaslighting

Now that we know what self-gaslighting is and why it happens, let’s talk about how to stop it. Here are some actionable steps you can take to stop gaslighting yourself and begin validating your experiences:

1. Acknowledge Your Feelings:
   The first step to stopping self-gaslighting is to acknowledge that your feelings are valid. If you feel sad, angry, disappointed, or frustrated—those feelings are real, and they are justified. Write them down if you need to, or talk about them with someone who can provide a supportive, non-judgmental space.

2. Practice Self-Compassion:
   One of the antidotes to self-gaslighting is self-compassion. Treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend in your situation. Say to yourself, “I’m doing the best I can,” or “It’s okay to feel this way.” This simple shift in language can have a profound effect on how you experience your emotions​​.

3. Challenge Negative Self-Talk:
   When you catch yourself saying things like, "I shouldn’t feel this way" or "I’m just being dramatic," pause and challenge that thought. Ask yourself, “Would I say this to someone I care about?” More often than not, the answer is no. Start speaking to yourself with more empathy and understanding.

4. Set Boundaries with Yourself and Others:
   Part of stopping self-gaslighting is recognizing when to protect your energy. If being around certain people or situations makes you feel worse, it’s okay to set boundaries. Boundaries aren’t just for others—they’re also for you. Limit your exposure to things that trigger your self-doubt​.