Hello, hello, hello, my beautiful friends. Before starting this week’s topic, I want to share an update. I’ve decided for at least the next few months to move to an episode release for every other week. I’ve had to miss episodes for several weeks due to a lot of family health stuff, and I don’t like that. So, in doing this, I can still keep new content coming but still have time to give my family the time and attention that they need during this season as well. I am still accepting new 1:1 clients. The ”Take back your life call” is my formal consultation, so if you have wondered what it would be like to work together or you need some coaching on something, go ahead and book a call. The scheduling link is in my IG and FB bio, or you can go directly to my website, www.ivfthiscoaching.com, and schedule it there. They are complementary, and I have a blast meeting new people, so I hope I get to meet you soon!

Ok, let’s jump into the topic at hand, which is holiday triggers. First of all, if you’ve listened to the podcast for a while, you know that I have a complicated relationship with the word ‘triggers’. I’m not always a big fan of this word. Sometimes I feel like we use it against ourselves. We use it in a way that suggests that because something outside of us happens, that now we’re powerless and think of it in a very black and white way. So, I really want to encourage you to think of triggers in a much more nuanced way. Think of triggers in a way that serves you. 

So, what do I mean? Specifically, as it relates to holidays, what I’m talking about are those kinds of unexpected, sometimes surprising things that happen that catch us off guard and we have a response to. Actually, let’s call it a reaction. It’s probably more accurate than a response. It’s really a reaction. So maybe it’s a song that comes on the radio. Seeing families out and about Christmas shopping, or looking at Christmas lights. Maybe it’s the all of the get togethers and the questions about starting a family or haing more kids. Maybe it’s the taste of a particular recipe that you made with your parents or grandparents and you want to continue that tradition with your future children. Maybe it’s seeing images of happy families and thinking about the magic of Christmas through the eye of little iddos.

It could be anything, but it’s something in the external environment happens and then your body goes back to a time where what you’re experiencing in the moment feels undesirable. That’s not what you want. So maybe all of a sudden you’re crying. Maybe all of a sudden your heart rate is beating a little bit faster. Maybe it feels like you got punched in the gut. But your body has a response to some sort of trigger in your external environment that reminds you of something in the past, whether that’s recent or distant past. And this can be true for things that have happened, like suffering a loss or failed cycle, or it can be that despair that we carry around us while we’re on this infertility journey.  That’s what I’m talking about. 

We really can’t control our body’s initial reaction to something like that. But what we can control is how we choose to respond to our body’s initial reaction. And because the holidays can be so loaded with these kinds of sensory triggers, it’s a good thing to think about in advance and prepare ourselves for in advance. Because if it’s going to happen, we’re going to have an easier experience of it when we have decided ahead of time how we want to respond to how our body reacts to that trigger. So, what can we do? Here’s a few ideas. 

Let’s say something happens, a sensory trigger and a memory comes up. Our normal inclination might be to try to shut it down, to make it go away, to tell ourselves it shouldn’t be there. And what I want to offer is that no matter what that trigger is, no matter what happens in your external environment. That you acknowledge your body’s reaction to it as normal. You don’t make yourself wrong for it. So, this is the part where I remember. This is the part where people ask me questions and I get triggered. This is the part where I have a story about how the holidays SHOULD look. This is the part where I feel that painful longing.

It doesn’t really matter how you normalize it. What matters is that you do, even just giving it a name, normalizing it, acknowledging it just like I just did can actually provide relief and lessen that punch that you feel. So, acknowledge the experience, normalize it for yourself. I also want you to give yourself permission to choose which experiences you want to expose yourself to and which ones you want to avoid. 

One of my clients and I were talking through the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday, she and I are both US-based, and how her and her partner will spend time with both sides of their families and she was really worried about how many different opportunities there would be for her, and her partner to some extent, could be triggered. We talked about extended family members and the little kiddos, babies, or pregnant bellies that she might be around. Navigating all the “so when are you planning on kids?” type questions, politely declining alcohol because she’s about to start a transfer cycle- all of the things.

And so one thing that she came up with was to decide on a hand signal with her partner, I think hers was like tucking her hair behind her ear after getting her partners attention, something like that, that would signal to her partner either get me out of this conversation OR it is now time for us to leave. And the beauty of this is that it is something for only her and her partner, like a code just for them to understand and decipher. So it helps her feel empowered to start her needs, via signal, to her partner and to know that her partner will have her back should she need it. We also talked about graceful ways to navigate the questions. Statements ranging from a polite dodge like, “well, we are working on it” to a little more direct, “Oh, there’s so many things to talk about, let’s talk about that some other time,” to much more direct, “I don’t want to talk about that right now,” to just excusing yourself from the conversation if the person doesn’t get the hint, or you just need uot of there. Those are examples of ‘positive anchors.’ 

It’s perfectly okay to not be up for whatever it is that you don’t want to expose yourself to. It doesn’t mean you’re weak. It doesn’t mean you’re not healing or taking care of yourself. It doesn’t mean anything. It means you have decided this is what I’m up for, this is what I’m not. And you get to be the boss about that. So, give yourself permission to choose what you expose yourself to. It’s perfectly okay to not expose yourself to things that you don’t want to. But what type of positive anchor can you create? Maybe it’s a cozy sweater that you love, and it feels very comforting to you. I’ve known many clients that carry around little mementos in the pockets, like a cross or something like that that brings them comfort. I had one client that LOVED a specific little throw blanket. When I say she LOVED it, I mean she LOVED it. So she was headed to a Christmas party with a group of friends and she was feeling super uneasy bc she felt like someone was going to announce a pregnancy there, spoiler someone did. But she had brought the throw blanket in the car, so when she excused herself and left the gathering with her husband, she got to have her go-to comfort item waiting foe her in the car, so she could feel all snuggly and comforted, even while she cried during the drive home. That’s a positive anchor. 

Now, also I want to suggest that you create a resilience plan, a holiday resilience plan of sorts. Think of this as an emergency kit that you can turn to if and when you find yourself feeling overwhelmed. So here are some things that you could put in your resilience plan, your emergency kit. I love a good grounding exercise. So have a couple of grounding exercises that work for you, that you can write down and have ready because you might need to remind yourself and different people love different things. 

But maybe you use the five, four, three, two, one exercise and you’ve probably heard of this one. It’s where you name five things that you can see, four things that you can touch, three things that you can hear, two things that you can smell and one thing that you can taste. It is a way of bringing yourself back into the present moment and coming back to your current environment and giving yourself a break from whatever intense experience you were having otherwise. So that could be a great example of a grounding exercise. 

Some other ones I love. I love bilateral stimulation. It’s hard to demonstrate on a podcast when you’re only just hearing me, but essentially what bilateral stimulation is, is when you grab any sort of object that is near you, you could grab a pen, you could grab your wallet, your AirPods, whatever you happen to have. When I demo this, I usually demo it with my AirPods because I always have them nearby in my office. But you hold that object on one side of your body and then you switch hands. You bring that object towards the midline of your body, and as you’re in the middle of your body, you switch hands. So, if I started with the object in my right hand, I would hold it out to my side. I would bring it through the midline of my body, and then I would grab it with my left hand, bring it to the left side of my body and come back to the middle. Again, grab it with my right hand. You’re just switching hands in the middle of your body and coming all the way over to the left side, switching hands back to the right side and you just kind of go back and forth, back and forth. And something like this works really well because again, it’s something you can do easily. You don’t have to think very hard when you do it. You’re stimulating left brain and right brain. And what you’ll find is that whatever that intense emotion that you had, it just starts to dissipate. So that’s another grounding exercise that you can use. 

Another one you could do is just to notice your tongue and relax it. And it sounds so weird to say that, but it works so well. Notice your tongue and then soften it, relax it. That helps send the message to your body that you’re safe and it’s such an easy thing to do. So put some grounding exercises in there. You could write this holiday resilience plan down. 

The second thing I would add to that resilience plan is some sort of breathing technique that feels good to you. There are a lot of different breathing techniques out there. Some people like box breathing where you breathe to the count of four, hold it to the count of four, exhale to the count of four, and then hold it to the count of four. So, you’re essentially creating a box, so four counts in, four counts hold, four counts out, four counts hold. I don’t particularly love box breathing, but some people do. 

My favorite breathing technique is simply to make my exhale longer than my inhale. When you inhale and you make your exhale longer than your inhale and you do that a few times, you are sending the message to your nervous system that you are safe and it’s so easy to do. So that’s a great breathing technique that you can use. So grounding exercises, your favorite breathing technique. 

Another One is distraction techniques. I know sometimes distraction gets a bad rap. We think of distraction as something we shouldn’t do or something for weakness. No, distraction can be a great thing. We don’t need to spend all of our time thinking about what’s happened and feeling our feelings and in the ick of it. Distractions are actually healthy. Remember, dual process model. I’ve done podcast episodes on this. 

What could be some positive distractions, some healthy distractions that would get your mind away from whatever it is you want to get your mind away from, whatever the trigger might be? Maybe it is a movie that you love. Maybe it’s not a holiday movie, by the way, it doesn’t have to be a holiday movie. Maybe it is a puzzle that you want to go and work. Maybe it’s some sort of hobby that you have or a book that you want to read. It doesn’t really matter what it is, but what would help you distract yourself? 

Maybe it’s a quick walk around the neighborhood, or you hop on your treadmill for two minutes. Doesn’t have to be big, but it’s something that gets you away from the intensity of whatever was happening. So, give yourself some options there. 

And then lastly, I want to encourage you to set some boundaries. Don’t be afraid of setting boundaries. If there are things that feel heavy to you and you don’t want to deal with them, there are people that feel heavy to you and you don’t want to deal with them. That’s okay, you get to be the boss of this life that you’re living. So, if there are traditions that you’re not up for, if there are gatherings that you’re not up for, you are absolutely allowed to say no. 

You are allowed to change the way that you do things, to prioritize what feels best for you. And also, you can do that knowing you can change your mind at any time, remember that too. So, do a little scan through what’s coming your way this holiday season and where might you want to say no? Where might you want to set some sort of a boundary? And that might mean, hey, I am going to go to X, Y or Z event, but where I would normally 

stay all day, this year I’m going to stay for two hours or I am going to say no to this thing. 

It can be whatever you want it to be. I just want you to think about it in advance and make choices in advance that feel good to you and then have your own back about it. What will make that plan right for you is that you decide it’s the right plan for you. That’s it. Other people don’t have to agree. They don’t have to understand. They can actively disagree and tell you that they don’t think you’re doing it right. I’m really much less interested in their opinion and really much more interested in your opinion. Does it feel right to you? That’s what makes it right. 

Alright, so no right or wrong as we go into the holidays. However, you experience it is right for you, if you decide that. Consider, what am I going to do if there is a sensory trigger that happens? I’m going to acknowledge it, this is the part where I’m going to decide, choose my exposure. I’m going to decide what I’m up for and what I’m not. And then you might consider bringing in some sort of positive anchor, just like I had that necklace, what could that be for you? And then holiday resilience plan, your little emergency plan, your emergency kit. 

Some grounding exercises, some breathing techniques, some supportive folks that you identify in advance, some healthy distractions that you identify in advance. And then boundaries, boundaries, boundaries, you get to be the boss. If you’re not up for it, you’re just not up for it, it doesn’t mean anything. It just means you’re taking good care of yourself. That’s what I have for you this week. Have a wonderful week and I will talk to you soon!