Welcome to IVF This, Episode 173: IVF and Grief Burnout

Hello, hello, hello my beautiful friends! Welcome back to IVF This, the podcast where we navigate the emotional complexities of infertility, IVF, and everything in between. I’m Emily, your host and coach, here to guide you through this journey's ups, downs, and all-around.

It’s been several weeks since I have appeared in your podcast feed, and the reason is directly tied to the episode content for today: Burnout. IVF This has been going for over four years. Regular content, coaching clients, writing, and then the less fun aspects of running your own business and such. Over the fall, I began to really struggle, or more likely; I think I let myself understand that I had been struggling for a while. It really came to a head around Christmas, and I decided to take some time off. I cut my availability down to only current clients, and stopped writing, and started seeing a therapist. As my own burnout started to ease, I began to miss writing, coaching, and podcasting. I’ve circled burnout a few times throughout my professional career. Kind of a hazard of the job between social work and coaching. But I think it serves as a great reminder to me, and hopefully to all of you, that you cannot replenish someone else while you are depleting yourself. So it’s fitting that the topic today is related to burnout. 

Today, we’re talking about something often overlooked but profoundly felt: grief burnout. If you’ve ever wondered why you feel emotionally drained, disconnected, or simply like you can’t bear the weight of it all anymore, this episode is for you. We’ll explore what grief burnout is, how it manifests during infertility and IVF, its impact on your journey and relationships, and—most importantly—how to navigate and heal from it, even as you continue treatment.

Grief burnout is what happens when grief becomes chronic—when the emotional and psychological toll of repeated loss and disappointment overwhelms your capacity to cope. It’s a state of depletion where you feel like there’s no space left to process emotions because the hits keep coming. Burnout, in its most basic sense, is any time when you have high expectations coupled with low control, and I’m not sure there is a more accurate representation of what exemplifies the challenge of IVF. High expectations, coupled with low control. 

So let’s break it down a bit further. Grief is a natural response to loss, and it often comes in waves, as we’ve talked about in earlier episodes. But in the context of infertility and IVF, grief is rarely given the time and space it needs to be fully processed before the next challenge arrives. For example:

• Failed cycles: Each one feels like a separate loss, but they often pile up emotionally.

• Uncertainty: The constant not-knowing—whether this round will work, whether you’ll ever have a baby—creates anticipatory grief, where you preemptively mourn outcomes that haven’t even happened yet.

• Societal invisibility: Infertility-related grief isn’t widely recognized, so you may feel pressure to minimize your emotions or pretend everything’s okay.

Grief burnout occurs when this compounding grief drains your emotional reserves. It’s not just the sadness of a single event; it’s the cumulative weight of every failed transfer, every miscarriage, every dashed hope—and the pressure to keep moving forward anyway.

Why does it happen? Grief burnout happens because our brains and bodies are not meant to endure prolonged stress and emotional pain without breaks or relief. We live in a culture that often encourages "toughing it out" or "staying positive," which can suppress healthy grieving and prevent emotional recovery. Add the physical demands of IVF—hormone injections, invasive procedures, appointments—and it’s no wonder burnout is so common.

What does it look like?

Grief burnout doesn’t necessarily announce itself loudly. It often creeps in quietly, manifesting in ways you might initially dismiss as "just stress" or "a bad day." Here’s how it might show up:

1. Emotional Exhaustion:

• You feel drained, like you can’t summon the energy to care about your treatment plan, your appointments, or even the potential outcomes anymore.

• Small tasks, like filling out paperwork or making a phone call, feel monumental.

• You might find yourself crying at unexpected moments—or unable to cry at all, which can feel just as disorienting.

2. Increased Detachment:

• This might mean emotionally distancing yourself from your partner or friends. You might avoid conversations about IVF altogether because it feels too painful to discuss.

• Detachment can also manifest as indifference toward the process. Maybe you don’t even feel excited or hopeful about an upcoming cycle, which can lead to guilt or self-judgment.

3. Negativity or Hopelessness:

• Negative thought patterns might take over. You might think, “What’s the point of trying again? It’s just going to fail,” or “I’ll never have a baby, so why bother?”

• This hopelessness can make the IVF process feel even heavier and more isolating.

4. Physical Symptoms:

• Chronic emotional burnout often manifests physically. You might notice constant fatigue, headaches, muscle tension, or digestive issues. Your body is signaling that it’s carrying too much.

Imagine this scenario: You walk into your clinic for a baseline ultrasound, something you’ve done dozens of times before. But instead of feeling the usual mix of nerves and hope, you feel nothing—or maybe dread. The thought of seeing the same faces, hearing the same reassurances, and going through the same motions feels unbearable. This is grief burnout.

The Impact on IVF and Relationships

Grief burnout doesn’t just affect you—it ripples through your IVF journey and the relationships around you. Let’s break this down into two areas. Impact on IVF:

• When you’re burned out, the mental and emotional toll can make it hard to advocate for yourself. For example, you might agree to a treatment plan without asking questions because you’re too drained to push for answers.

• You might feel indifferent about starting a new cycle or resentful about the sacrifices you’re making. That resentment can sometimes lead to self-doubt, where you question your own commitment to becoming a parent.

• Burnout can also affect your ability to engage with your medical team. You might withdraw from conversations or feel a growing resentment toward the process, making it harder to feel like an active participant in your care.

Impact on Relationships:

• With your partner: Everyone grieves differently, and grief burnout can create misunderstandings. If you’re feeling detached or overwhelmed, your partner might interpret it as you pulling away from them. Conversely, if they’re processing things differently—like focusing on problem-solving while you need emotional support—it can lead to frustration or arguments.

• With friends and family: Burnout can make you retreat from social situations, especially if they involve children or pregnancy announcements. This isolation can make you feel even more alone, even if it’s what you feel you need in the moment.

Here’s an example: Imagine you and your partner are gearing up for yet another round of IVF. You’re exhausted, both physically and emotionally, and you find yourself snapping at them over small things—like how they forgot to set an alarm or left dishes in the sink. It’s not really about the dishes; it’s the weight of everything you’ve been carrying. Meanwhile, your partner might be trying to stay optimistic, which feels dismissive to you. Over time, this cycle of miscommunication and unmet needs can create tension and distance.

Moving forward

So, how do you move forward when it feels like you can’t?

1. Acknowledge and Validate Your Experience

• Recognize that you’re experiencing burnout. Name it for what it is: a natural response to chronic emotional stress and grief.

• Remind yourself: “This is not a sign of weakness. I’m carrying a heavy load, and it’s okay to feel this way.”

• Give yourself permission to grieve. Many people in your situation would feel the same way.

2. Take Immediate Steps to Lighten the Load

• Delegate and Simplify: Look at your responsibilities and decide what you can delegate or pause. Ask yourself: “Am I the only one who can do this?” For example:

• Can someone else handle errands or chores?

• Can you delegate work tasks or temporarily reduce hours?

• Say No Without Guilt: Learn to say no to activities or events that drain your energy. It’s okay to prioritize your well-being over societal or familial expectations.

3. Build Emotional Resilience

• Create a “Minimum Baseline”:

• On tough days, focus on the bare essentials: eating, getting dressed, and attending appointments.

• This prevents guilt from piling up when you can’t meet higher expectations. For example, on a “minimum baseline” day, you might say: “If all I do is attend my clinic visit and rest, that’s enough.”

• Journal or Write It Out:

• Use journaling to process emotions. Start with prompts like, “Today I feel…” or “What’s the hardest part of this for me right now?”

• Write without judgment. Even two minutes can help offload the emotional clutter.

4. Create Space for Your Emotions

• Feel the Feelings:

• Emotions like sadness, anger, or hopelessness are part of the burnout process. Avoiding or suppressing them only deepens the fatigue.

• Use techniques from mindfulness to “sit with” emotions without judging them. For example, if you feel sadness, acknowledge it: “I’m feeling sad right now, and that’s okay.”

• Let Grief Bursts Happen:

• Grief bursts, or sudden waves of emotion, are normal. When they come, let them pass through without resistance. Cry, scream, or sit quietly—whatever feels right.

5. Lean on Support Systems

• Professional Help: Seek therapy or coaching from someone who understands infertility and grief burnout. A professional can help you process your emotions and offer tools for coping.

• Connect With Community: Join infertility support groups online or in person. Knowing you’re not alone in your experience can provide comfort and validation.

• Reach Out to Friends/Family: Choose people who are empathetic and supportive. Be clear about what you need, whether it’s a listening ear or practical help.

6. Practice Self-Compassion

• Challenge Negative Self-Talk:

• Notice when you judge yourself harshly for feeling burned out. Replace thoughts like, “I’m not handling this well” with compassionate ones like, “It’s okay to feel overwhelmed. I’m doing my best.”

• Celebrate Small Wins:

• Acknowledge every small step forward, even if it’s just getting out of bed or making it through a tough day. These moments matter.

7. Create Rituals for Renewal

• Mindfulness Practices:

• Incorporate practices like meditation, yoga, or breathing exercises to calm your nervous system. Even 5-10 minutes can help.

• Physical Activity:

• Gentle movement like walking or stretching can release stress hormones and help you feel grounded.

• Rest and Play:

• Allow yourself time for rest, even if it feels indulgent. Balance it with activities that bring joy, like watching a favorite show, engaging in hobbies, or spending time in nature.

8. Reassess Goals and Expectations

• Take It One Step at a Time:

• Focus on the next small step in your IVF journey rather than the big picture. For example, “I’m just going to focus on this retrieval” instead of, “What if this doesn’t work?”

• Give Yourself Permission to Pause:

• If possible, consider taking a break from treatment to recover emotionally. A pause doesn’t mean giving up—it’s an act of self-care.

9. Recognize the Stress Cycle

• Complete the Stress Cycle:

• Burnout often lingers because stress isn’t fully processed. Activities like exercise, laughter, deep breathing, dancing, or even crying can help release pent-up stress.

• Physical Touch: If you have a partner or close friend, a hug lasting 20 seconds or more can trigger a release of oxytocin, helping you feel calmer and more connected.

Grief burnout is a heavy burden, but it’s not insurmountable. By recognizing it, creating space for your emotions, and leaning into support, you can begin to move through it—step by step. Remember, this journey is not about perfection. It’s about resilience, and resilience doesn’t mean never breaking. It means knowing how to rebuild.

Grief burnout doesn’t mean you’ve failed or that you aren’t resilient. It’s a signal that you need to nurture yourself as much as you’re nurturing your dreams. Healing isn’t linear, and it’s okay to take steps backward before moving forward again.

By acknowledging your burnout, taking intentional steps to address it, and giving yourself grace throughout the process, you can begin to find a sense of balance and emotional strength—even while continuing the difficult journey of IVF.

Thank you for spending this time with me today. If this episode resonated with you, I encourage you to share it with someone who might need it or reach out to me for more personalized support. You’re not alone in this.

Until next time, take care of yourselves, my loves.