Hello hello everyone! I’m so happy you’re joining me today because we’re going to talk about something that I get fired up about a lot so buckle up!

But before I get into that, I want to share something with you all. 

I received an email, from an IVF This listener and it was so beautioful and so impactful for me that I have to share with all of you.

So here it is: 

Hello,

I don't usually do this (actively reach out to others), but Spotify recommended one of your podcast episodes to me on a particularly low day last week. On a whim I listened to it (Emotional Cushioning) and it was exactly what I needed to hear. I had been carrying so much guilt about feeling cynical and negative and had started to convince myself that maybe I didn't want a baby bad enough. I have started going back and listening to the rest of the episodes, and it's allowed me to start forgiving myself and allowing myself to be ok with feeling the grief of this process.

So thank you. Sincerely. From the bottom of my heart. Each episode I listen to on my commute helps me come to terms just a little more with what I'm going through.

I'm on a few different IVF forums on facebook just to stay a little sane, and I recommend your podcast to a lot of the other ivf warriors who seem to be in the same boat as me. I hope it helps them as much as it is helping me. Listening to more episodes tomorrow

Sincerely,

A New and Grateful Fan

This is just so incredible. First of all, I want to talk to the person that wrote this- As someone who also does not typically reach out I am so damn excited that you did. I want to commend you for taking that leap and putting it out there and my gratitude is immense. 

Second, any of you offering up the podcast to those people in your FB IVF group- thank you. Just thank you. 

Word of mouth, ratings, reviews, THAT’s how podcasts become discoverable. This is how we change the game of infertility and IVF. You know I talk a lot about flipping the script on infertility- this is literally what we’re doing. Every time and suggest the podcast, you are helping with that. You’re changing the life of that person. And I want to make it clear that I’m not talking specifically about me. I know I’m not for everyone. Most of the people who listen to my podcast are not ever going to pay me to coach them- and that’s totally fine. But the first time I listened to one of my coaches podcast, back in 2015, everything changed. It was several years that went by before I actually paid her anything. It was the moment I knew I wanted something different for my life and that doing more of the same wouldn’t get me there. You’re never really the same once your brain has been cracked open and you start looking at things from a different perspective. That’s the power of coaching. 

So, if you haven’t already, please take a couple of minutes to rate and review the pod cast. Rating and ESPECIALLY reviews help other people find this podcast. I ill be forever grateful if you would do that!

Ok, so lets dive into worry.

 This is one of the most common things that my clients and, I think just most women in general- let alone those of us with infertility do and that is worry.

I find that worry is one of the things that tend to be a sure-fire thing that creates a shit ton of suffering for all of us.

So we’ll talk about worry in terms of it’s usefulness and its not-so usefulness. And I’m going to give you a technique that I use to help me manage my worry and just how worry impacts so much of our lives- in general. 

The first thing I want to make sure to know is that worry is what most of us do- especially when there are things in our lives and we feel out of control UMMM hello infertility and IVF. I think our worry always stems from a thought like “we can’t do anything about this”. We worry because we keep thinking “I don’t have any control over this” and so that triggers a sense of helplessness and when we feel helpless then we will worry. Worry is an action you take, not a feeling. I think many of us think of it as a feeling, “like I feel worry” but I always like to think of it as something you’re doing. So, we worry as if it will fix something or that it is being productive. There are a lot of people that think that there are some things that we’re just supposed to worry about, and I’ll talk about that a little bit more coming up.  Some of us think, “well, I just can’t help but worry” one of my best friends who comes from a long line of wonderful but devoted worriers has told me that she doesn’t know what she’d do if she didn’t worry. Like it’s just a fact of her life that she will always be a worrier. 

Here’ the problem with worry- when you start worrying and nothing is changing all that you’re doing is exacerbating the fear around the situation. When that happens then we are starting to feel those feelings of fear and uncertainty and feeling out of control and so we turn to things outside of us to help feel better. Food, alcohol, social media, shopping, sex, whatever- all in an effort to avoid feeling feelings. Maybe you’re constantly focusing on reading every single article you can find about infertility and IVF. Maybe you are taking fist-fulls of supplements every day and still convinced you’re not doing enough to get pregnant. 

Worry literally serves no useful purpose in your life. And I really want you to take a minute and think about that. At any time does worry ever solve something for you? 

The answer is no. That’s a hard- no. A hell no.

 It doesn’t solve for anything. No one has ever worried their way to solving a problem. No one has ever worried themselves out of infertility. No one has ever worried themselves pregnant. No one has ever worried the blastocyte to go, or for the embryo transfer to stick. 

Now, worry gives you something to do, something to focus on but with no payoff. 

Worry comes from not being willing to take ownership over what you’re feeling and accepting that you do ultimately have control over things that you have never considered. 

If we can get to the point where, when things happen to us, we deliberately slow down and are intentional with how we want to show up for it verses just reacting to things with worry, or reacting with anger, or try to make ourselves feel better- we can just slow down and decide “ok, I’m going to decide what to do with this” rather than just being like out of control. 

Here’s my technique- I call it the Worry Bin. Now, some of you may have heard something similar if you work with small kiddos. I know there are some teachers that do this where they have a jar and kiddos can write their worried down on a little slip of paper and put it in the jar. That’s *kind of* what I’m talking about but there’s a different spin on it. 

So this is all based on the understanding that some shit is going to happen in your world. If you’re going into or are currently in the middle of an IVF cycle. Maybe you’re pregnant with your IVF or rainbow baby and you’re worrying over the pregnancy, maybe your partner said something to you and you’re worried about that, or like it’s whatever the thing that you are worried about (job, money, whatever), I don’t have to know the specifics of it for this to work. 

So you start with PAPER THINKING which is the term that I use for journaling.  

Step #1 Write a list of all the things that you’re worried about. Literally ALL the things. Even if you’re worried about how it seems trivial or how it isn’t relevant to IVF or infertility, or that it sounds stupid. There’s no judgement. You’re writing down all the things that are banging around in your head. That’s it. Don’t avoid putting something on the list because of your judgments about it. Give yourself a good 10-15 minutes to just write it all out. It’s so important that you get all the worries out of your head, because you need the awareness of how much you’re actually worrying- you need to see the things that are in your head at any given time. Understanding and being aware of the things that you’re thinking about is the single-most important thing you can do to start taking control of your emotions and thoughts. 

#2 Then you take that first list and you make a list of all the things that you can actually do something about. Here are the things I can actually impact. 

#3 Make a list of the things that you literally have no control over. Things like:

How many eggs your doctor will be able to retrieve

How many will fertilize

How many will reach blastocyte stage

If your embryo will stick or not

Staying pregnant  

Worrying about these things is not helping you. You have ZERO control over these outcomes. So this only creates misery for you. Worrying about things which you have no control over only impacts YOU and YOUR ability to show up in your life in any meaningful way. 

So, you make your two lists.

Step #4- Take the list of things you can actually impact. Things that you can actually help and you are going to brainstorm how you can do things and what you can do about these things. You put yourself into the driver seat and take yourself out of this place of things are happening to me and you put yourself in the intentional position of knowing that these are the things, the steps that I can take, to make this better.

What this does, even if you’re not yet ready to take those steps, it gets you into brainstorming mode and it curbs the stress and helplessness that comes with thinking that there’s nothing you can do about it. Or wondering what’s going to happen, or what if this, what if that. This will help you shift your perspective to the things that you can have an impact on. 

When you’re brainstorming and solving your problems you’re not continuing to go around and around and stewing and dwelling and ruminating and feeling like a helpless victim to life. The more we can get out of victim mode the better. The more present you’re going to be in your life. The better you’re going to feel. Feeling like a victim feels like Shit. Ya’ll. Wow, do I sound Texas right there. A lot of people can’t tell that I was born and raised in Texas because I don’t really have what is the stereotypical accent but phew, there was a bit of it there, wasn’t it. 

But when you’re worrying guys, I want you to take notice of that. Like a red-flag of “I’m acting like a victim in my life” and the re-purpose your energy around “ok, these are the things I actually can deal with and that’s what I’m gonna do.” So how do I want to deal with it. 

There’s just no upside to worry. None. There’s no upside in believing that you don’t have nay say in how or what you think. You always do. You always do have that say. 

We don’t have to love infertility and IVF. We don’t have to love that this is the journey we are on. We don’t have to enjoy everything that life throws at us, that’s not what I’m saying. What I’m saying is that you don’t have to feel like there’s nothing you can do about it. You don’t have to feel helpless- you’re not. That’s bullshit. You don’t have to think that things are terrible or that they’re happening to you. You can think, “I don’t like that but worrying about it will not make it any better, so I’m going to actively look for a way to take charge of my feelings” and the best way to do that is io get into brainstorming mode. I’m going to figure out a way to solve my problems and not let my problems be the ruler over me. The quicker that you learn how to do that, the faster you change. Like seriously, the time and energy that’s put into worry can actually be used for you to get done the shit you actually want to get done. 

Worry doesn’t have to be these huge benchmarks of IVF- I mean that’s a lot of things that we worry about but there are so many things. Look for where your worry is showing up, I promise you it is the key to feeling better. Realizing that worry feels shitty and accomplishes nothing is, God, it’s just so important. It’s truly one of the most helpful things you can do for yourself. 

So then you take your other list, these are the things I can do nothing about. Let’s say you’re in your TWW for that beta blood test. Worrying about the results will not change the results. My RE, whom I love because she’s as straight a shooter as they come, says “the embryo either implants within the first 48* or it doesn’t” There is literally nothing you can do to MAKE that happen. WE cannot change that. So rather than spending so much time worrying about the outcome, what CAN you do? You can take time and meditate, do yoga, paper think, cry when you need to, laugh when you want to, connect to your partner, kids, family, and friends. 

I know this seems like something that’s not even possible- like Emily how the fuck could I NOT be worried during the TWW or when you’re waiting for your bast report, or you’re waiting with bated breath between doctor’s appointments- I GET IT. I do.

But it’s so important to see how easy it is to slip into one of, if not the most, ineffective ways to live your life. 

So you take this list of things that you cannot control, and if you’re dead-set on continuing to worry about them (which is not a problem) you schedule time to worry about them. Like legitimately think of a time during the day when you can dedicate 10m, 30m, and hour whatever but time dedicated to worrying about them. It is the INTENTIOAL focus time. You are intentionally focusing on what you’re worrying about, why, and when that worry occurs. 

You put it in your worry bin and you come back to it when you say you will and spend time on it then. It doesn’t occupy your time otherwise. Your brain is probably going to have a temper tantrum, or 100. That’s ok. Let your brain scream and shout- it’s not a problem. You’re training your brain to know that YOU are in charge, you hear the worry, and at 5pm on my drive home or whatever, is when I will worry about it. This will feel VERY unnatural. It will. 100% honestly here. I felt like an idiot the first few times I did this. But I kept doing it. And you know what, it kind of took the- for lack of a better word- fun out of worrying. Once that time came around I was like, “well, shit, now I don’t want to worry. Now that I can. Now that I’ve given myself space to do that.” I know, if you’re diligent, this will happen for you as well. And just like for me,

If you do this, at some point -for me it happened after a few weeks of putting this practice into place- you’re going to intentionally tell yourself, “I’m not going to worry about this. There is nothing I can do, and I am not going to sacrifice my peace, my life, my presence, my intention for something that I cannot control or solve. Just no.” 

Now, a lot of you will argue for your worry. You will defend your misery. I love it when my clients will argue, justify, or defend your misery. Defend why worry is important or unavoidable. 

I will always tell you that you can keep whatever story that you want. But I will ask you something like, do you want to win the argument that you should spend time being miserable and worry or would you like me to offer you the option of learning to stop doing this? 

What if we went to work improving our lives? What if we worked harder on that, rather than spending time justifying our misery. Because that’s all that worry creates for us- misery. So if you fight like hell to justify and keep your misery and worry, do you know what your prize is? MISERY and WORRY. You don’t win shit. 

Staying locked into that pattern, well you might as well give yourself a B-line to the fridge, or buying clothes, getting lost on SM. All of those things. That’s what happens when we argue for our pain. Think about that for a second. How much time do you spend arguing for your misery? Arguing for your limitations? Arguing for that lesser version of yourself?

Pain is an inevitable part of our lives and in many ways, it’s an inevitable part of the infertility journey BUT worry is wholly and completely unnecessary. That’s not some shit you should continue to voluntarily sign up for. It’s just useless. 

It keeps you from grieving

It keeps you from sadness

It keeps you from happiness

It keeps you from problem-solving

It keeps you from controlling your life

It keeps you in victim-mode

It keeps you in overwhelm

For those of you that are expert-level worriers, one of the first things you’ll tell me is “I’m so overwhelmed” so you worry. And worry doesn’t do anything. So then what happens? More shit gets loaded on to the pile but never dealt with or addressed. You’re just increasing the stuff that you need to do, the things that you’re thinking about.

Take that step into action. Write the worries down and step into action on the things you can control. Release the ones that you can’t. 

So, four steps 

#1- write all of your worries down. ALL. OF. THEM. Don’t hold back. If your wporried that the next time you go for take out they will mess up your order, then weite that shit down.