Hello, hello you beautiful people. I hope you’re having a wonderful day- whenever you’re listening to this. 

I want to dig right into today’s topic because it is one of the most talked about and areas of suffering that so many of us have on continue to experience and that is the things that people say to us. What I love so much about this topic is that it is not specific to infertility- I mean that’s the context with which we will be discussing it but this could literally be anything that is said to or about us from bosses, coworkers, friends, family- anything. 

I want to level-set expectations about this episode right outta the gate, though. When I go through these examples I want it k now that I am NOT debating the appropriateness or inappropriateness of the comments or questions. That’s not up for debate. 

Women in a lot of respects bare the social burden of infertility- that is not to say that men don’t have a very unique infertility experience, they absolutely do. But MOST men do not experience the same type of invasive questioning that women experience. Men do get some of this, I remember during our first few years of infertility, a family friend of my husband’s family said “when are you gonna do your manly duty and get that girl pregnant?” And I know another couple where a family member said to the husband, “you must not be doing it right, do you want me to show you?”

Dickish and obnoxious. You will never hear me defend these comments. 

However, for so many of us we internalize these comments and use them against ourselves- whether it is to blame ourselves for what we’re experiencing or what we perceive as something we’re not doing. Or, we get super rage-y, hurt, or offended and then stew in that for a long-time. 

And those two things are what I want to address today.  I’m going to go through some of the usual comments/ questions and then I will kind of break them down at the end. 

Let the record reflect- we cannot change people. We cannot get people to stop making dub-ass comments or stop asking nosy-ass questions. We just can’t. We can educate and advocate- absolutely and there are a lot of us in this community that do but at the end of the day, WE have to decide how we want to show up when people do and say things like what we’re about to cover. 

The first nosy-ass question (well all of the things I’m going to talk about have a nosy-ass element to it but this is usually one of the first things we hear whenever we meet anyone or talk to someone that we haven’t talked to in a while- it’s the dreaded “So are you going to have kids?” or, if you do have a child or children “Are you going to have anymore?”

We can all agree that for whomever is asking this question- it’s none of their damn business when, if, or how many children you decide to have. NONE. ZERO. It does not impact them at all. And that is also true if you were to share that you are trying for children, maybe you have one or more than one or whatever, the number doesn’t matter at all, and they look aghast and ask, “why?” I get this a lot when I talk about us going into another IVF cycle, even though we have two children. As if it is some personal afront to the person how many children we have and there is some measure of “not enough” or “too many”- spoiler alert, there is no such measure because it is all based on personal preference. 

There is no shortage of asinine and inappropriate BS that people say to women that are TTC. It’s like the moment that little tidbit about a person is shared then all of a sudden all of the “well, my great aunt Martha swears she got pregnant so fast because she ate 2 bananas a day and hoisted her legs up for 48* after sex” or “my best friends twins sisters cousin said if you try this vitamin, supplement, mystical healing potion that consists of rabbit piss and jolly ranchers, then it can help you get pregnant.”

This speaks to one of the first opinions that ALLLL of us have heard one or a million time, and that is “Well, have you tried…” 

UGH, such an obnoxious statement. 

The amount of unsolicited advice that is doled out in ANY situation, not just when you’re TTC or experiencing infertility is kind of mind-boggling. 

There is no shortage of serums, sex positions, legs/hip raised durations, foods, vitamins or other stuff that it touted to be the “cure” for infertility. 

Any and all opinions around how to make a baby tend to start with “Have you tried” questions.

Another common comment is “just relax”- OHHHH, gee thank you for that. That must be the missing link to my infertility struggle, I just need to relax. Super helpful, thanks so much you d-bag!

I would bet money that every woman that has ever tried to get pregnant has heard this.

Another one is “You’re young, you have plenty of time” That, in many ways kind of reminds us women that of the “ticking clock” that surrounds fertility discussions. 

I mean the more, I go through these the more that I remember from our own journey. 

People pushing adoption as an alternative. 

People asking “who’s fault it is?”

Or even people telling you that this is a sign that you’re not supposed to be a parent.

There is absolutely no debate that these are inconsiderate, insensitive, some crude, often judgmental comments or questions that all of us have experienced and continue to experience. 

But now lets get to the good stuff.

We’ve established these questions are intrusive, obnoxious, inconsiderate, all the things. WE know this, but WHY are they so impactful for us?

Typically, I won’t say universally but typically, what happens is that we do one of two things.

Someone says something to us and we believe them, which in turn makes us question what we’re doing which creates pain for us.

OR

We think “they shouldn’t have asked that” which also creates pain for us. 

So let me give you a couple of examples from some of my recent clients.

So the first one, is an example of the “have you tried” question. 

One of my clients was talking with a family member, who is aware of their infertility journey and that they are about to start IVF.  The family member, said something in the vein of, “have you tried balancing your hormones to achieve a “natural” pregnancy? 

A small caveat, I don’t like to use the term “natural pregnancy” that is my preference. I think it only serves to mystify the IVF or fertility treatment process and I think it also had a built-in negative connotation because the assumption that fertility treatments are “unnatural” but we don’t say that about other treatment modalities like chemotherapy or blood pressure medication or anything. I prefer to use the term “spontaneous” pregnancy- that’s just me, do with that what you will but Fight the power. 

Ok, so back to the story. This family member asked my clients if she had tried balancing her hormones, I think specifically around her diet, in order to conceive. 

This sent my client into a “tailspin”, her words. She told me she left the family gathering “utterly devastated” and was a “wreck” the rest of the day and into the next.

OK, so let’s take that question she was asked, “have you tried balancing your hormones through diet”

Nosy? yea kind of. Insensitive? Probably. 

But the devesattion is what I was interested in. 

So, this is where so much of my work comes in. Because of the think, feel, act cycle- that no one is ever really told about, this is what happened. 

Her family member said words. Her family member asked her a question. 

My client’s thoughts ABOUT that question were things like:

No, I haven’t

Maybe I should

Maybe I am doing it wrong

Maybe I’ve messed up

Maybe I’m not doing enough to get pregnant

And by the way, whenever your thought is phrased as a question, it is like the brains way of softening the ACTUAL thought, always. 

So her real thoughts were

I should have

I am doing it wrong

I’ve messed up

I’m not doing enough to get pregnant

THAT’S what was so utterly devastating for her. 

It wasn’t the words her family member said, it was what she made THOSE words mean about herself. She made it mean that she wasn’t doing enough, she wasn’t working hard enough.

When she thought, I’m not doing enough, THAT’s what created that feeling of devastation. 

And from that feeling, she started dwelling and ruminating about ALLLL the things she had done and comparing them to this pie-in-the-sky “enough-ness” that doesn’t actually exist because theres no effing way to quantify what “enough” is- it’s literally some BS that your brain offers you but serve no purpose, at all. So she was juding herself and her choices, she was beating the crap out of herself, then because of that she poured herself a few glasses of wine and then continued to shit on herself about how that wasn’t a good choice, and on and on. She told me she “stuffed her face” with all the bread and pasta that wasn’t nailed down and then the cycle of shitting on herself just continued. 

All of this resulted in her, in essence, proving to herself that she wasn’t doing enough. 

Which is of course a pile of horseshit because when we looked at all of the things she had done up and to that point, she had worked her ass off to build her family (she lost 15#, exercised regularly, acupuncture, was working with me to help with emotional balance, and so on and so forth) but didn’t see any of that because she had told herself that she wasn’t doing enough. 

Now we want to believe that the words her family member said created all of that pain for her, but the truth is if we had taken out infertility and put something else in- like losing weight or another medical condition, and that family had asked if she had tried balancing her hormones, she likely would NOT have had such a strong reaction. Because the words that someone says to us cannot create our feelings. 

People can call us a piece of shit and if you don’t believe them then it doesn’t bother you. 

When her family member asked about the hormones, she could ALSO have thought, wow, she really cares about us getting pregnant and building our family. OR, chick doesn’t know what she’s talking about, balancing my hormones won’t make my husband’s sperm grow- or something like that. My client truly believed that there was no other alternative to this THAN turning it against herself. Which is something that I think we ALLL do, have done, and yes, will continue to do. But it wasn’t until my client and I talked about the other, optional, thoughts that she could start to see where her judgments about herself was what created that pain, not the question that was asked. 

Ok, so the second example is based on the belief that people “shouldn’t” say certain things. And this comes up a lot in the infertility community and well, in day-to-day interactions with other humans. 

So this was from another one of my clients where she was having lunch with a few of her girlfriends, all of whom were at kind of different stages- my client has been married for about 3 years, another friends was single, another was married with a young kid. So all different life stages. 

Now my client had not been super open about her and her partners fertility struggles, but it wasn’t exactly a secret. And because of quarantine, the friends hadn’t gotten together in a long while. 

So during the conversation, the question of “so how’s the baby making going?” INEVITABLY came up- as it always seems to, right? Nosy and obnoxious question, sure. 

My cleints said she was kind of annoyed at the question but when she started talking about starting an IUI cycle, their first one, her friend with the young kiddo said, “you’re putting too much pressure on it. Just relax, go on vacation, get drunk and it’ll happen.” After that, the conversation moved on to something else and then everyone eventually parted ways and my client went home. 

In my clients words she was “LIVID”. She said the rest of her day was ruined because she was so pissed off that she couldn’t even focus on anything else and just kept replaying in her mind how she wishes she would’ve responded- which is totally a normal thing, some of my greatest retorts come along two days later when I’m standing in my shower. She kept writing and re-writing a tell-off text, and seriously considered ending their friendship- which is totally an option, I’m never going to say not to do something but I always want people to “like” their reasons for doing things. 

So when my clients and I spoke, I think it was like 3-4 days after this interaction, she described pain, anger, hurt, and resentment that was even MORE than what she had experienced in the moment that the actual comment was made. 

So she had carried this with her for DAYS. This is totally something that I have done too so there’s no better-than-thou here.

But here’s the thing, we’re gonna take the same framework- the think, feel, act cycle that I always use.

Her friends said those words “relax, get drunk, go on vacation” right, all of that, and my clients thoughts were:

How dare she say that to me

How does she not know how offensive something like that is

She never should have said that

Ok, #1 I think this is so very common to all of us. 

#2, when her friends said that, and my client thought “she should never said that” the feeling that that thought created was anger. She also felt resentment but that is a byproduct of anger.

So she felt angry, and then what did she do?

She stewed in that anger. FOR DAYS.

It occupied so much of her time, energy, and focus.

Anger begets anger. 

The angrier she was, the more she thought about what was said, the more she thought about what was said, the angry-er she got.  

And for what? Her friend didn’t give it another effing thought. Her friend walked away from that lunch, or whatever it was, and moved on with her life. 

But my client thought about it for days. 

And it was based on that thought, “she shouldn’t have said that”

But she did! She did say it. Because sometimes people say some stupid-ass shit. 

Her telling herself that she “shouldn’t have said that”- which is a BS thought bc she DID say it. 

Again, not debating the appropriateness of it but saying it “SHOULDN”T” have happened, when it did happen is a terrible use of time. 

It didn’t even occur to my client that she had spent an additional 4 days, ruminating about a comment that took 1 second to exit the mouth of her friend, captain insensitive. 

Do you know what happened in those 4 days? My client gave all of her emotional and mental bandwidth to that person. Just handed it over. Like here you go, you get to be in charge of my feelings and actions for the next few days. 

And I know this might seem a little harsh but this is what so many of us do on the regular and it is SO painful for us. 

Someone says something, and instead of just acknowledging “well, that was a dumb-ass thing for them to say” and moving on with your life- it’s like you bring it with you, wherever you go to like doom scroll in your mind. 

Doom scrolling is when you spend an excessive amount of your phone or screen time devoted to terrible news. To being outraged, to being offended, to being well, just pissed off.

It’s like getting a dopamine hit of anger that feels like crap. 

Just stop! Telling yourself someone shouldn’t have done or said something when they did or said that thing doesn’t impact that person in any way. 

Now, If you feel like you want to tell that person “hey, you said this and I didn’t like it because I made that mean that you didn’t care about what we’re going through” or something like that, more power to you. But if you’re coming from a place of “well, I’m going to tell that person off” or “I’m gonna tell them how much their words hurt me” you are STILL giving them all the power. 

Their words cannot hurt you. 

You are the one that is hurting you by continuing to fixate on it. 

If someone says something like, “just relax” you could just as easily tell yourself, she doesn’t know what she’s talking about and that’s ok.” 

Or, “she thinks she’s being helpful- she does care about me”

But I mean it’s like getting pissed off when someone tells you that you are wearing a green shirt, when you’re wearing a pink one. Telling yourself that they shouldn’t have said you hace a green shirt when you’re clearly wearing a pink shirt and then carrying that around and continuing to argue with it for hours and days on end. 

They are wrong.

People can be wrong. 

People being wrong is not a problem. 

There are a lot of people that walk around this world being wrong and it doesn’t have anything to do with you. Don’t give away your emotional and mental health to people- that’s your stuff, my loves. 

And one final thing, and this might be the most important thing in terms of managing opinions- you can hold to the thoughts that you’re not doing enough. You can hold onto the belief that people shouldn’t say things even when they clearly should because they Do- you can hold onto the guilt, the anger, the resentment, the frustration- you get to have it all. I am not telling you that you have to let go of all of this. I will never tell anyone that they have to get rid of a thought- that’s not my place. 

What is my place is to remind you that the more you hold on to these things. The more you argue for these things- which I do have people that argue “but, Emily they really SHOULDN”T say these things” And here’s the thing, if we were girlfriends out having lunch or at a coffee shop, I would totally agree with you. I would do some serious shit-talking myself. But I can’t HELP you from that vantage point. FB groups, IG, peer support, friends, family- you have PLENTY of people to agree with you about the insensitive, obnoxious, and inappropriate things that people say.

But when you ARGUE to keep feeling the same way. To hold on to the resentment, to continue arguing with reality. When you do that- you are fighting FOR your pain. You are fighting FOR your limitations. You are fighting FOR your suffering. 

That is literally the only prize at the bottom of that particular cereal box. 

There is not net positive.

Now, I’m not saying that when people say things to me that my first thoughts aren’t the same things- they TOTALLY are. Absolutely. BECAUSE I am human, people. 

But I know, and what I teach all of my clients, is that by STAYING there- I am creating my pain. 

And that’s just not what I want to create for myself. 

Ok, that’s what I have for you today, my friends. Until next time, I adore you and you’ve got this.