Welcome to IVF this- episode 29 Stop shoulding on yourself

Hello and welcome to the show.

Today we are talking about all fo the should in our lives.

I wanted to share a new podcast review with you. I adore doing the listener love and I had a few show up on Itunes so I wanted to share them all with you.

This one comes from Alps 89- I think I know this person. I think we’ve spoken before but I’m not 100% certain but anyway, the review is, 

“Sharing this with everyone I know going through infertility and IVE. It’s helped me so much to validate and normalize my feelings and emotions and feels like a quick therapy session whenever an episode comes out. The work Emily is doing is so important and valuable for a group that often feels so alone and anxious.” Omg That is everything. I can tell you that 5 years ago, when we went through our first round, that’s exactly how I felt- alone and anxious. 

And ive been a self-help junkie my entire life- well there was a short time there that I was a toddler but whatever. And so I have known either through my training in social work, my own work with a therapist- I have a lot of tools that I had tried to manage my anxiety and that feeling of isolation for a long time. But it wasn’t until I was introduced to coaching about a year after our first round, that things really started to shift for me. I was thinking about my anxiety differently, I was experiencing anxiety differently. All of the things. It truly was coaching that changed how I lived and how I thought about the world. Recognizing that my anxiety wasn;t working against me the way I always thought. And those are a lot fo the same tools that I share with my clients. The ones that I know worked for me. The concepts that helped me take authority over my life. Si if you haven’t taken my managing anxiety mini course, so to my website- www.ivfthiscoaching.com and its there on the home page, you’ll have to scroll down to about halfway and there you go. It gives you the basic framework for how I teach anxiety to my cleints. 

So, Alps 89- let me say thank you for taking the time to write a review. I know that we all have a ton of stuff to balance in our lives and taking out those few minutes to do that isn’t just, you know for me, lovely to read and for me to share, but the more ratings and ESPECAILLY reviews that the podcast gets, the easier it is for other people to find! That’s what’s so fun about podcasts. I know google and Spotify don’t have ratings and reviews yet but If there’s an episode that really resonates for you and you’re on SM you can take a screen shot of the episode and post it in either in your stories or on your page- feel free to tag me, because I would love connecting!

Another thing, I promised a personal update. We are going through our 2nd round of IVF. I think I mentioned a couple of episodes ago that we were doing out stim cycle- which is now finished. I had the retrieval and we were absolutely astounded by what we had. So my doc and I were fully expecting a max of about 7 eggs but we actually ended up with 11 eggs! We had 4 sleepers and we were so blessed that all 11 were mature. Of those, we had 9 that fertilized and by the time we made it to D5/6 we had 3 little blasts sent off for the PGT-A (or whatever we’re calling it this week) the genetic testing. We did the testing for our first round so we’re doing it again this round. We’re over the moon because this was even better than our last round, which was like 4.5 years ago. So now, were in the waiting period for the genetic test results. 

I can tell you that this round, because I am self-coaching based on my own work- this experience has been so different. You know in our last cycle I would forecast and shame and guilt myself all day everyday. From sun-up to sun down. Tell myself all the old crap thoughts like “you just need to be positive” or “just distract yourself” and blah blah blah and I was just an anxious mess. 

But this is VERY different. I won’t say that I haven’t or don’t experience anxiety because, hello, I am human but I don’t fight against it like I used to. I don’t think it’s the worst thing in the world. I can allow myself, most of the time (because again, human) to sit with the feeling and know that it’s not there forever, that it can’t hurt me, and I know what is causing it- my thinking. Which is where all feelings come from. Instead of “you just need to be more positive” I think “this is the part where you’re really scared about what the results could be, and that’s ok. It’s ok to be scared. It doesn’t mean it’s going to turn out that way but I understand why you’re scared. I know it might not work AND it’s totally possible that it might.” I am literally talking to myself like that. With love and compassion and empathy- just like I would talk to my best friend or my husband or one of my sons. And that’s the difference. I can talk to myself with love. I can show empathy for someone that is human and having human thoughts. I know that my thoughts don’t mean anything about myself. 

I am just taking the opportunity to acknowledgment- which is really all it wants. 

I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before but the part of our brain that kicks up our unconscious thinking (our primitive or lower brain) is VERY much like a toddler. It just wants to be heard and most of the shit is says is made up. 

Now, if you’ve ever had any experience with a toddler that wants to tell you or show you something- ignoring it (the toddler or your thoughts) will typically send it nuclear. Right? The screaming, the crying, the throwing themselves on the floor. That toddler, AKA your brain, just wants you to notice it. To acknowledge it. Have you ever spoken harshly to a toddler- it’s not super helpful, usually more of a breakdown occurs. More spinning out of control. Same thing with your brain. That is why I speak to myself, most days, like that toddler wants my attention. Speaking lovingly to yourself IS the path to peace. 

Ok, I know that’s a lot and we haven’t even gotten to talk about the “shoulds” so lets get into it!

The most important thing to know about a “should” statement- and that includes should and shouldn’ts – something you believe you should be doing on not doing, etc. The sentence that follows that itsn’t important because it’ll be different for everyone BUT the most important thing to know is that the word “should” will always be a building block for shame. 

Always- shame for doing something and shame for not doing something. 

So let’s unpack WHY we use these statements- and I will caveat a little with should’s can also look like “have to” I have to do this, need to, I must—any of that BS I’m putting it all under the “shoulding on yourself” umbrella. 

Ok, so lets talk about WHY we use that language- and it’s not like we pepper them in every now and again, no, we use them constantly. In almost every conversation we have with ourselves or someone else these words come up. 

Why do we even say them to begin with? So much of why we use those words is largely based on our programming. You might’ve heard me talk about messaging, conditioning, , culturalization, socialization, all the things- those are the things that make up our programming.  

When we have built in beliefs tht we never question- which oftentimes comes from the media, society, and our family of origin we get a lot of should’s. Stories and narratives that you have picked up along your life, but very likely aren’t comprised of your own thoughts and beliefs. It’s something you think you’re “supposed to do or be” rather than who you are and what you want.

So we’ve got all of this programming, and that is exacerbated by this cultural belief _remember more programming- that tells us that the only way to do things is from this place of shame (unconsciously) and self-loathing and thus the “importance” the “necessity” of the shoulds is reinforced time and time again.

I once had sometime tell me, “Emily, it’s like you don’t want me to be my best self.” 

I chuckled a bit when she said that to me, unironically. She was genuinely saying it. 

I told her that it’s not her fault that she thinks that berating herself with should’s and shouldn’t is in pursuit of her best self. That I believe that the conversation she has with herself is even more in pursuit of her best self than any kale smoothie she might’ve been choking down. 

This is just what we are taught. Primarily from the diet and beauty industries. I mena they wouldn’t make hundreds of billions of dollars a year off of us, if there wasn’t always something to “fix”, right?

I’m not saying that we can’t have goals, ambitions, or hold ourselves to a certain standard- no what I’m saying at all

So here’s the kicker- a should statement - rarely, if ever means, “I want or I will”

That’s the thing! That’s why these things can be so damaging to us. It’s basically a judgement about yourself. 

That’s why these phrases are so dangerous. 

Have you ever told yourself a should statement and felt an overabundance of empowerment or motivation? Yea, probably not. 

Have you ever told yourself a should statement and felt warm and squishy inside?

Yea, probably not. 

We can always tell if a thought serves us by how it makes us feel. 

Right, the “think, feel, do” cycle that I use in my work- when you think “I should do this” or “I shouldn’t do that” you might feel obligation, dread, resentment, resistance, overwhlem- something like that (it’ll be unique to everyone) and then from a plae of lets say “dread” what will you do? 

I can tell you when I feel dread about something, I spend a lot of time thinking about the thing without actually doing it, I’ll shut down, procrastinate, spend a lot of time talking myself out of doing the thing, throwing out excuse after excuse, etc. 

That’s how the think, feel, do cycle works. 

You cant get a positive action from a negative feeling. It doesn’t work. 

Whenever I am using a “should” or one of the variations we talked about, the voice in my head isn’t like super nice. It’s actually pretty loud and shrill, and well bitchy. 

Some of the universal things I’ve heard from my clients and other people in our community are things like:

I should be more positive

I should be excited

I should eat “better” – as if there’s some objective measure of what they’re eating is objectively and universally bad and as if there is some objective and universal measure for what is good.

I should exercise- but maybe they don’t even enjoy exercise (there are a lot of people in the world that DO NOT enjoy exercise. But you’re judging the hell outta yourself for NOT doing something you don’t enjoy doing, and wondering why you can’t MAKE yourself do it through sheer willpower. 

So all of these things and more, again everyone should’s on themselves to some degree, but it’s a value judgement you place on yourself and then telling yourself that there is something WRONG with you for either doing them or not doing them.

Not a strong motivator for change, right?

I hope I’ve made a strong case for why Shoulds are so detrimental. 

And now you’re probably asking, But where the hell do we go from here?

I gotchu! 

So if you’ve listened to this podcast for eve a little bit of time you can probably guess what the first step is:

1. Awareness – I mean it was a 50/50 shot of me saying awareness vs compassion- don’t you worry compassion, I’m coming for you next babe. 

Change begins when we have awareness around a thought or behavior that we want to change. 

Awareness, awareness, awareness!

I want you to think of the shoulds, the have tos, the need to’s the musts, things like that. I want you to think of them as what I call “red flag thoughts”

It’s like a giant warning flag just went up. Flag on the play, crash in the road up ahead, shark in the water. All of the warnings. 

When you have that thought, PAY attention! 

Creating awareness around these thoughts, in many ways comes from paper thinking (aka journaling). 

This is not a big lift. Even getting your thoughts out on paper for a little as two minutes a day can help you bring to the surface these underlying red flag thoughts. 

You go through journaling and write one thought per line. 

And it can be as non-sequitor or irrelevant or whatever label you want to throw on those thoughts. It doesn’t matter.

You can have, “I have to finish this project tomorrow for work” and the next line is, “did I remember to set the chicken out to defrost for dinner?”

Just dump them out of your head. 

Once you’ve done that, and you can see your thoughts as they are, sentences in your brain, go through and pick out the “red flag thoughts”

With each of those red-flag thoughts, as yourself why? Why do I need to do this, why “should I do this?

Let me give you an example from one of my lovely clients- we were doing this exercise on one of our calls and she told me she needed to finish a project for work. 

I asked her why. Why did she need to. 

She said, well, If I don’t do it then I’m not doing my job and then I could get fired. 

-How many of us have thought that? You can’t see it but I’m raising my hand right now too.

So then we reframed it, is it that you Need to or is it that you’re choosing to because you want to avoid the potential consequence of not doing it which would be you getting fired?

Yea, it was the consequence thing.

Another example, which I think comes up for so, so many of us is “We have to do IVF.”

Phew that statement is so heavily loaded with feelings, and not the good ones. 

That thought doesn’t feel good to me. It feels like I don’t have any say in the matter. Like I don’t have any control. And I like control. 

The truth is that none of us HAVE to do IVF. We don’t. We could decide we don’t want to do IVF. We could decide that. I know it doesn’t FEEL like it’s a choice but it is. You’re choosing to do IVF because you want the outcome, that little baby. 

Fight for your choices. For your self-determination. 

When we give ourselves those red-flag thoughts those should’s we are literally taking the choice away from ourselves. We are limiting our own choices. We are bullying ourselves. 

Now, some of you might think you have to get rid of the should’s or banish them or whatever- no, we don’t have to get rid of any of our thoughts. Our thoughts are not a problem. 

Shoulds are always going to be there. It’s a mechanism for shame that our brain has evolved to use based on thousands of years of condition because shame is a VERY strong motivator to follow the group. 

But we don’t need to follow the group anymore. 

It’s not a part of our everyday survival like it was when we were living in tribes. 

So we don’t need to get rid of them, theyre always going to pop up. 

By doing this awareness exercise and actively showing your brain the CHOICES that you are making you can re-direct your thinking. 

The should is gonna be the first thought, the unintentional one. That’s a given. That’s centuries of programming, we’re not gonna get that to go away overnight. 

What’s the second thought? What do you want to intentionally think about yourself?

Maybe it’s that you have more choices than you’ve ever given yourself credit for.

Maybe it’s that your really don’t like eating certain foods that you’ve made yourself choke down or that you shame yourself for not eating. 

Maybe its giving yourself permission to look at exercise in a way OTHER than forcing yourself to go on runs or log time at the gym.

Think about the things you actually want.

Think about the way you actually want to feel.
Think about the things you actually want to think about. 

You are entitled to a life YOU want to live, not a life full of should.

Alright, that is what I have for you today my beautiful friends. 

Have a wonderful week and I will talk to you next time.