Welcome to IVF This, episode 30- Mom Guilt and IVF

Hello my beautiful friends

I am so excited to talk to you today!

Today I want to share a few things. I want to share a little listener love. I’m also going to tell you a little story about what’s going on at our house and then of course the topic for today which is based on an influx of clients recently who are in pursuit of their second child. And that’s hwy I wat to talk about Mom guilt and IVF because it is something that comes up a lot with my current clients, and when I do mini sessions with people. 

You know the mini sessions are completely complimentary. It’s 30 minutes of dedicated 1:1 coaching time. There’s no purchase necessary kind of crap, in fact we don’t even talk about those logistics on the mini-session call. We do the whole mini session and then if You’re interested in talking about what it would be like to work together, then we get on a different call, a consultation call to talk about the logistics and such of working together. 

So, the listener love that I wanted to share comes from brittmcmil, “I found this at the perfect time. Back in January I was at the very beginning of my IVF journey and I had so many questions. I read all of the blogs I could find and I started searching for IVF podcasts when I stumbled upon this one. Emily is so relatable and I can’t put into words how much this podcast has helped me. Our first round of IVF was unsuccessful and this podcast was here for me at a vry challenging time. Thank you for sharing Emily and for helping others. This journey tends to be very lonely and alienating and you helped me relieve some of that for me.”

Well, Britmcmil, You are MORE than welcome. I am beyond grateful that this work has helped you and I’m very sorry to hear about your first round. Thank you for taking the time to share the podcast and to rate and review it. 

Recently this podcast hit a pretty amazing benchmark- we’ve hit 10K downloads after only doing this for 6 months. That is a HUGE feat considering this podcast is being grown completely organically. I don’t do paid ads or anything like that. So it’s basically me doing the podcasting thing, sharing it on my socials and then EVERYTHING else, is all of you beautiful people that listen to it, share it, recommend it, talk about, all of the things. Anthony and I, Anthony is my amazing producer, he and I put on a great show- I love this podcast so much but it would be me talking into the universe without all of you. So thank you!

So since all of you listening are in this movement, this IVF this movement to change how we think about, talk about, and experience infertility, I wanted to invite you guys to do a project with me, if you want. I have developed this, I guess you could call it a little card, like a postcard that has the podcast art on it, the description of the show, and a little QR code that people can scan that will link them to the show so they can listen. I’ve printed a ton of them up and am starting to leave them in the waiting rooms of fertility clinics in my area. I’m not creeping around or anything like that, I ask the front desk if I can leave them, if they’re good with that, then wonderful, if not no harm no foul. BUT, if that is something you all would like to be a part of as well, shoot me an email  hello@ivfthiscoaching.com, I can send you some of the cards, and you can share them at your clinic. I got into this because I KNEW there was a different way to experience infertility. That there was a way to still love our lives and ourselves through this journey. This podcast is a huge part of it. You are a huge part of it. Let’s keep changing the game, my beautiful friends. 

Ok, so lets get on to the topic at hand. Now, I’m going to be talking about mom guilt and IVF but that doesn’t mean there isn’t something to glean from this if you’re still waiting on that first baby. Absolutely not. Mom guilt is a facet of our cultural expectations for women. It is all the standards, expectations, how we treat ourselves, all of the things. So, even if you’re still waiting it doesn’t mean this doesn’t apply to you. I promise. 

So this is something that’s come up a lot the last few months in my mini-session calls as well as a several of my new clients. They are working on kiddo #2 or 3 and having a lot of trouble navigating the responsibilities of kiddos, work, home, and IVF. Let’s be honest, navigating the logistics and emotions of IVF, itself, is a challenge, let alone when we throw ANY of the other thigns into the mix. 

But I’ve talked a lot about it with people in mini sessions so I wanted to talk about it here. If I’m hearing it from a few dozen people, then I think it’s worth mentioning here. 

So let me give you a few examples from what I’ve heard, recently.

One IVF’er was talking about how she has a 4-year-old who goes to daycare, and she works FT outside of the home- it’s in a corporate role I believe and she’s done two banking cycles back-to-back. And because of the physical exhaustion that comes into play with the hormones and everything, she is picking her little one up from daycare, coming home, putting on a show to watch while mom lays on the couch to try to rest, maybe scrolling SM. Dinner is like a sandwich or something in the chicken nugget variety. By the time bedtime routine comes around, mom has pretty much spent those couple of hours beating the crap outta herself for being a terrible mother and not being engaged, there might be some yelling, tears from both, and then by the time the kiddo is in bed mom is binge eating the pantry and continuing the cycle of beating herself up for being a terrible mom and then goes to sleep and the viscous cycle just continues on into the next day. 

Another example is of a mom that has an 18-month-old little boy at home with her. She works PT from home but like fitting work in between naps and rest time and all of that. When she has drs appts, because she is starting a cycle, then her hubs stays home and goes into work a little later. So they’ve had a few losses and at least one failed cycle. So she already experiences a tremendous amount of anxiety when she goes for ultrasounds. But what happens is that she wakes up, rushes to get to those early morning monitoring appts, races home to “relieve dad” and then is off to face the day with the kiddo and work, without even a moment to breathe. Then she is constantly putting out fires and doing all the things, she finds herself disconnecting from her kiddo, like she’s telling herself that she has to be present, but she also doesn’t really want to play cars or play all of the games and stuff. Energy is low. Patience is thin. And then it’s the same song and dance. I’m not being a good mom. I’m not 100% present for my kid. I’m not making gourmet meals, the house isn’t spotless, I’m trying to fit it all in. 

These are just TWO examples of how mom guilt plays in our lives. And then you add on the additional weight of IVF and all of the thoughts that we have about ourselves and our lives during that process and it’s just so defeating for us. 

The biggest thing that I see with my clients is that we are physically with our kids but our emotions and brains are somewhere else. That’s the theme. 

But we have this preconceived notion that if we’re not 100% intentional and focused on those little creatures, then they are suffering because of it. Which is not true. I promise you, it’s just not true. But I’ll talk a little bit more about that in a few minutes. 

I want to talk about why we’re not mentally or emotionally 100% there. 

One of the reasons it is so easy for us to disengage when we’re with our children and we’re going through IVF is because we have all this messaging around how we should be interacting with them, treating them, talking to them, etc.

And that is overwhelming when you’re already experiencing the overstimulation of emotions we all have.

That’s why watching tv, doing chores, or SM can feel easier- because it is. You don’t have to be emotionally invested.

Now you can sub out kids with partners, here. If you’re waiting for your little miracle but you’re experiencing this with you partner, or friends, or family. It’s the same thing. 

It’s this idea that there is no space in the world for you as a person. The space is all taken up by kids, job, partner, family, friends, all of the other responsibilities that we have. 

It’s like the spinning plate analogy. We are conditioned to believe that all the plates have to spin exactly the same- perfectly. At all times. The first wobble and, well that means that shit’s hit the fan and we’re terrible people. Never mind that we’re trying to manage 10 plates at a time without giving ourselves a moment to ground ourselves. 

For women, our default is to be disappointed in ourselves. Society tells us that we have be sexy, thin, smart, successful, nurturing, look put together, house is perfectly decorated and tidy, this Pinterest and IG polished and ready bullshit. Breaking ceilings and at home with dinner prepped and wearing pearls. Our children need to be straight A students, athletes, involved in all the extracurriculars, well-rounded, calm, attentive, well-mannered children. 

Impossible standards. Just impossible. 

Yet, so many of us- kids or not- fall victim to this, to ourselves and these standards. 

Before we talk about how we can change this vicious cycle, before we go about changing ANYTHIGN We have to be aware of and fix the obvious but rarely talked about problem. 

Which is when you’re working, when you’re going through IVF- you feel guilty as hell and telling yourself that you’re not a good enough mom. And we’re very focused on what we need to achieve, check off the list, do, in order to prove to ourselves that we’re “good enough”- except there is no metric, so our back are always against the wall. 

There’s never a stop for a celebration that we completed something. It’s just rolling on to the next thing. And the next thing, then the next thing. We think to ourselves, wel;l, if I get thi thing done then I’ll feel better- but that hardly ever happens, right? Even if we do feel that momentary lightness of havingaccomplished something, we move right to the next thing and feel the familiar stifle. 

That’s why so many of us feel so depleted all of the time. That’s why so many of us turn to food, alcohol, social media, Netflix- like if you’re doing these things and beting yourself up from the inside out every single day for how good of a mom you are, how good of an employee you are, how good of a partner you are, how good of a person you are- I mean there’s no relief. 

Most of us think that we use food, alcohol, all of those things as relief from our lives-what most of us never realize is that we are seeking

33 the relief from ourselves. The relief from how we talk to ourselves, relief from how we treat ourselves. 

This is the mental stuff that I focus on. This is the mindset coaching that I believe is so impactful. Until we can regin in our asshole brain, and start having different conversations with ourselves nothings ever gonna change. 

So what do we do? What do we do when we are working, having these little humans, have relationships, our significant other all of these things- how do we navigate these things and IVF?

1. Compassion- you know it! 

Compassion is everything. Compassion for yourself is literally the key to peace in your life. 

In both of the scenarios I described to you, and I could give you 15 more that have very similar elements, the lack there was compassion. 

These women, like most women, have zero compassion for themselves. 

The suck it up, buttercup. Put your big girl panties on and deal with it, other people have it worse, stuff- like I say shit like that to myself too. But unless you’re acutely aware of your thoughts, unless you are actively self-coaching it can be nearly impossible to divorce those colloquialisms from how we actually talk to ourselves. 

Like if you REALLY believe that you just need to roll your sleeves up and deal with it, then the moment you experience ANY emotion that is contrary to IDK focus or drive or something, you will automatically make that mean something terrible about yourself. That you “can’t” handle everything. That you’re 

One of the things that I’ve had to do, because yall I’ve done a LOT of work on this myself. I had to get ok with the fact that my brain was going to be very disappointed in me. I know that sounds so strange but so much of my default thinking is around “you’re not doing enough” “you’re not accomplishing enough” “you’re not spending enough quality time with your kids” “you’re not spending enough quality time with hubs” “you’re not doing enough in your business”- “you’re just not enough”. These are thougths that I have, regularly. Like when I tell you guys that even as a coach, I’m still human, I mean it. These are DAILY thoughts for me. 

Very often, I get incredibly frustrated with my kiddos. Sometimes I snap at them, sometimes I open my phone to scroll so I don’t have to talk about bugs, or dinosaurs, or sports, or whatever the heck those non-stop chatterboxes are talking about. 

Sometimes I pray for bedtime. BECAUSE I am human.

I’ve gotten better at recognizing them and kind of playing those thoughts out to know what happens. Usually any one of those thoughts I will feel like a failure, defeated, depressed, anxious, and then I don’t do any of the things that I might actually want to do. 

I’ve gotten more comfortable with this idea of “it’s ok if my brain is disappointed in me.” Remember., I talk a lot about how to lovingly talk to yourself, so a lot of it is, like “I get that that’s what you think, brain. But when you tell me anything with “enough” in the line, I don’t really know what that means. But I can tell you that I am doing this, this, this, and this.” Right. I don’t have to argue with all the thoughts. I offer a different perspective and my brain quiets down. 

Now this is a bit like Brian Fantana from Anchorman, “60% of the tiem, it works everytime”

No, I mean I think it’s more than that but it’s not 100%, right. Nothing in life is 100%. But it certainly quiets down the BS chatter in my brain. I remember that if I am feeling defeated or disappointed in myself because I didn’t have better thinking about my life, my kids, my career. 

As though I was supposed to only have rainbow, daisy, and happy-happy thoughts about all aspects of my life all of the tiem otherwise I was doing it wrong. 

Let me tell you all of the most helpful thougths I have EVER heard- not just specific to being a mom although that’s where I tend to use it, but again you could sub “the mom” part of mom guilt for ANY area of your life but the the thougth is, “What if this is “mothering?”

What if mothering looks like turning on a show when they get home from daycare sothat you can take 20 minutes TO yourself, to decompress, maybe journal, pee, take two breaths before throwing yourself into that second shift. 

What if mothering looks like parking your car at the gas station down the road and listening to a quick podcast, a meditation exercise, or just sitting in silence to give yourself some space to process your latest doctors appointment. 

What if being a partner looks like, telling them EXACTLY what you need in that moment so that they can support you, rather than you doing what you think you should be doing and being miserable the entire time and then they’re miserable too. Like, maybe you guys had plans to go out to dinner. And your bones are aching because you are so tired and the thought comes on “but I don’t want to disappoint them if we don’t go”. What if that person that loves you so much would be much more disappointed to know you went and tried to force yourself to have fun, rather then trusting them with knowing what you actually need?

What if being a good employee looks like calling in the day after a negative beta. Seriously, no company or organization is going to go belly up because you took a day to mourn and grieve. Rather than, again, forcing yourself to go into the office or sit on calls, completely disconnected and unproductive. 

We spend SO much time thinking about what we OWE to other people. Literally to everyone else. But we never spend anytime thinking about what we owe to ourselves. 

Turn that mirror onto yourself. This isn’t a “you can’t pour from an empty cup” cliché, this is we are teaching and modeling to our beautiful children, boys and girls alike, that we are less important than everyone else. That our needs, our pain, our experiences in the world are less important than, well, everybody. 

You have the right to be present for yourself- in the same way you desire to be present for your kids. 

You have the right to advocate for yourself in the same way you desire to advocate for your loved ones. 

You have the right to choose yourself in the same way you choose other people. 

And this is my beautiful hope for all of you. 

That is what I have for you this week. 

Until next time, always remember, you’ve got this.