Welcome to IVF This, Episode 33- Supporting someone through IVF

Hello, hello my beautiful friends. 

I hope you’re all doing well. 

Today I wanted to change things up a little bit. Usually I’m talking to you all, my beloved IVF’ers and sharing coaching concepts and things like that. But today, I want to talk to the people that you all love. The people that love you. The people that you want in your lives. The people that you want to continue to build and maintain a connection with.

There are many points in our journey that we feel we cannot connect to the people around us. 

There are a lot of reasons for that and the reasons are very specific to the individuals and the relationship. 

But if you’re an IVF’er and you’re wanting to build connection with the people around you throughout this process, I urge you to share this episode (this one in particular).

Now, just because this episode is for your loved ones doesn’t mean that you should just turn it off. I got some good stuff for my IVF’ers as well so stick around and we’ll all hang out. 

Ok, so let’s start with the elephant in the room- how to talk to people that are going through IVF. 

Let me start out with this giant blanket of a statement- NONE of this is about policing what you should and should not say. Whomever you are, you’re a grown-ass adult and you get to say and do whatever you want. It’s a beautiful thing. But if someone you care about shared this episode with you, it means that they WANT you to be a part of this journey. They WANT to share this part of them with you. They WANT you. 

You might be a parents, sibling, partner, best friend, boss, co-worker- whatever, but you’re here and you’re gonna give this episode a listen so I want to applaud you for that. 

One of the things that I take a lot of pride in with the podcast is that while we talk about these concepts withing the context of infertility and IVF, I believe that everything I teach can be used in every area of your life. So keep that in mind, while I talk about these things. These things could easily be applied to any major even in someone’s life.

It’s also important to keep in mind that I am going to be making some generalizations. Now, these are educated generalizations based on my own personal experience, my professional experience with coaching hundreds of hours on infertility and IVF, and my professional and educational background in Social Work- but they are generalizations none-the-less. 

The most important determinant of remaining connected during this process is your willingness to be open and curious towards this person that you care about who is on this journey. 

Ok, so That’s my preface for all of it, so let’s jump in.

The first thing we’re going to cover is just how BIG this experience is for the person going through infertility and IVF. For the vast majority of us experiencing infertility, it is probably one of the only times we have ever set a goal and then to find out we have only a small amount of control in the attainment of the goal. 

Right, we can take the supplements, we can have the sex, we can go to the drs appts, we can eat well, exercise, all of the things that society tells us that we “should” be doing to optimize our chances of success and they might STILL not work. 

Imagine you desire something so deeply, so gutturally, something that seems to come SOOO easy to the people around you and you can’t have it. Or maybe you got it for but a moment, and then it went away? That is the reality that so many of us face. 

For many of us, there are dates, anniversaries, or other people’s celebrations that are insanely hard for us to navigate. 

With every pregnancy announcement, every birth announcement, ever shower, every question we get about having a family can be like salt in an open wound. I’ll touch on those things a little more later in the episode but It is worth mentioning now. Christmas, or really any major holidays (particularly Mother’s Day and Father’s day) can be very challenging for us to navigate. 

For so many of us, this idea of motherhood or parenthood is so deeply enmeshed with the future that we have planned out. The future we daydream of, the little talks in the car with our partners about future baby names or how we’ll decorate the nursery, or what are the most important values we have around raising the kiddos. For many of us, these arent’ flight of fancy, I mean it all is to a certain degree, but it really is part of planning for our future. Imagining what that future will be. Imagining a future full of baby belly laughs and snuggles. 

When facing infertility, we have to confront, in some way shape or form, that notion of what our lives will look like. Will the timeline just look different, what will we have to rethink, will we ever even get the opportunity. So this future that we have imagined, filled with warm, squishy thoughts, can feel bleak, hopeless, joyless- a life and a future we don’t want. We turn away from the people that we love, the people that maybe have the thing we so desperately want. Not because we are selfish but because it can literally be too painful to be in their presence. 

The challenge of or loss of the completely identify to want, the one of parent, is as stressful, as traumatic as a loss of any other kind (death, divorce, betrayal). 

Like other crises that people experience, infertility is a breach in our expectations. Of what we thought, were told, and imagined would happen. 

This isn’t a question of “oh I played with dolls when I was a kid and always wanted to be a mom” it’s “I don’t know how I can even function some days because the pain of this and the pain of what my life could look like, is too much for me.”

And it’s important to note that. 

Another aspect that really impacts this is the shame that we feel around, really the whole thing. I did a deep dive into infertility shame for the 4th episode of this podcast- I implore you to listen. 

Now, people can tell us until they’re blue in the face that there is NOTHING to be ashamed of, and they’re completely correct, but the fact of the matter is we (women) have been programmed to believe that being a mother is peak-womanhood. That our bodies are the ones that create these lives and, if it’s peak womanhood and this is what our bodies were DESGINED to do and then we can’t get pregnant. Well, that’s the biggest breeder of shame in the whole world. 

For a lot of us, we feel betrayed by our bodies, like they have somehow let us down.

This is only amplified by the social and cultural perception that infertility is a “woman’s issue”. 

I have some amazing friends in my life, people that I know love and support me without hesitation. And they’ve STILL asked me what was wrong with me that we struggled with infertility. 

Did you know what 1/3 of infertility is female factor, 1/3 is male factor, and the final 3rd is the hodgepodge of crap known as “unknown infertility”. 

There is equitable distribution of infertility cause and yet, women, historically and in the modern world bear the social burden (and that’s not hyperbole) the SOCIAL Burden of infertility. 

We are constantly bombarded with messaging directed at motherhood, reminded of the “ticking clock” of our fertility, and a reinforced cultural belief that having children is EVERYTHING.

That a future without children, a barren future, is joyless and empty. 

This all contributes to the shame that we experience during infertility. 

Within the context of shame, I think it’s important to explain one of the most painful aspects that we are exposed to with other people- and that is the things that people say to us. 

Now, before I get into this section, I want to remind you of what I said at the top of the episode- this is not about policing what you say. It’s about giving context to why the things that people say can be so hurtful.

So let’s start out with a few of the most common things that people say, this is by no means an exhaustive list but it’s covers a lot of the most common things:

“So when are you going to have kids?” 

This can seem like a completely innocent and innocuous question- like a way of making polite conversation. And in many ways it is, but for anyone struggling with infertility it can be a subtle reminder of their “failure” in being able to get or stay pregnant. This can be a tough one for my friends and family to navigate because often infertility is not openly discussed. So this isn’t saying You’re never allowed to ask a question like this, but more of a “is there a different question to ask?”

Another one is, “have you tried?” – again, this typically comes from a very genuine place a desire to help. However, if someone is staring down the barrel of a $20K IVF pricetag, rest assured that they have probably tried whatever it is you might be suggesting. Wait for the invitation to offer something. Let them take the lead. If they are crowdsourcing for information or tips/tricks they’ll let you know. 

Another one is, “well my brothers, cousins, 3rd wife once removed had trouble getting pregnant and it took them 8 years so don’t give up hope.” A comment like this can be problematic for a couple of reasons, 1) whomever you’re drawing a comparison to might not be relevant. There are so many variables with infertility that even the most similar-sounding story is still unlikely to parallel in the way you’re trying to offer hope. 2) If the timeline of your comparison is longer or shorter than the person you’re speaking to, well, that can create unnecessary stress. If the timeline is longer, well then our brains are going to get to work about how terrible that is and how much of a long-haul we’ll be in for, and how we’ll never get our miracle. If the timeline is shorter, well then in our brains were obviously doing something wrong since it hasn’t happened for us and it happened for them- thus reinforcing this belief that it is our fault. 

Then there’s, “just relax”, “at least” or “stop trying”- wheew, this one, this one is a rager. Again, we get that it’s coming from a place of love and concern but in and of itself, it is a very dismissive thing to say. Imagine youre struggling with something that has rocked you to your very core, has made you question your life, your future, you as a person and someone’s response is, “you just need to relax.” Imagine your partner had an affair, and in the depths of your inner torment someone you love said “at least you got a few good years out of that relationship.” I know it might not seem like there is a parallel but there is. Just relax or stop trying, or anything that starts with “at least” is an invalidation of the incredibly emotional experience this person is having. I know, I know why people say it. Big Emotions, particularly from the people we care about, can be VERY uncomfortable to us. We often use these types of phrases because WE are so uncomfortable because THEY are so uncomfortable. It’s so very, very human. We all do it. But I’ll be honest, in that moment, it’s not about you and how uncomfortable you are. It’s just not. If you are uncomfortable, imagine the level of discomfort for the person sitting in front of you wondering if they will have to rethink every aspect of their future or their lives. Of everything they thought they would be doing and how- because I guarantee you, that’s something that we think about, a lot. 

And lastly, making jokes. This, admittedly, can be a little difficult to navigate sometimes. I have kind of a dark sense of humor so I would make jokes about what was going on- even if I was dying inside. I would do that as a way of releasing my OWN tension. But it’s kind of like when you have a sibling and you make fun of them, it’s totally fine but then someone else jumps in to make fun of them and it’s on like Donkey Kong. Yea, similar. If we make the joke, huzza, we’re trying to release a little tension for ourselves and even if it’s a little awkward, again, its not really about you so give ‘em a courtesy laugh and love the convo on. 

Now, if you decide a joke is warranted, follow this one very simple strategy- if you said the joke in the workplace and someone could report you for sexual harassment over it- DON’T SAY THE JOKE. Full stop. It’s not going to be funny. 

Let me give you a few examples,

Telling someone, “Are you sure you’re doing it right? Do you need me to show you?”

Or, “When will you do your manly duty and get her knocked up?”

Or, “Don’t forget to hoist those legs up after every time.”

Or, “Hey, at least you’re getting in a lot of practice.”

I mean, just don’t. It’s not appropriate. It’s not necessary. It’s just all of the nots. 

Ok, ok, ok. 

Now let’s talk about specifically “how to help”

1. First and foremost, let them take the lead. In conversations, asking “how are you” let them answer, however they’re gonna answer. If they want to have it as a conversational topic, they’ll mention it, if they don’t then they won’t. And let that be that. If someone wants you to know the innermost workings of their private lives, they’ll let you know. If that’s not a topic they want to cover,  or maybe you guys have tiptoed into it but they look super uncomfortable, allow that part of the conversation to go and move on to another topic. 

Another aspect of let them take the lead, is if they tell you that they are going to see a dr or starting fertility treatments a knee-jerk response is “well, that’s exciting”- I got this all the time. And still do. The best way I can say this is, the news for you might be exciting, but for the person who is about to go through it, exciting might be ONE of 100 different emotions they experience on any given day. Don’t assume how they feel. 

I can tell you that so many people that I adore have responded with “that’s exciting” and the response in my head is “yea, I bet it’s really effing exciting for you since you don’t have to go through it.” Obviously that is really specific to me, your person might not be as rage-y as me but I think it gives you an idea of why asking them “And how do you feel about that” or “what do you think about that” can be such a better connector than assuming how they feel. Even a “well that’s exciting. How’re you feeling about it?” Right, just anything to acknowledge that what you are assuming is an exciting time, which is probably is, but that it’s not EXCLUSIVELY that. That it is multilayered. 

Avoid drawing comparisons, unless specifically asked- I talked about that a little bit but I think it bears repeating. I see this come up a lot especially if you have also experienced infertility or trouble with TTC. People, in general, like to draw comparisons. We tend to think of it in terms of like helping us to relate to people better which is completely human, right. We want to offer that sense of comradery like we’ve been in the trenches too. Which, again, is such a lovely thing but it can feel very isolating. When someone tells you, “oh I know exactly how you feel” oftentimes that is a very alienating feel. Like how could you possibly know exactly how I feel? It can almost put the person on the defensive immediately. 

Even as a coach, I’ve heard from HUNDRED of women, and even my own 9 year story, and no ones stories are the same. 

No one, even if they had startlingly similar stories, can know exactly how someone feels in any given moment. Let your person tell YOU how they feel, what they fear, what they are thinking about. 

Again, if they’re looking for that comparison, they’ll ask. They will. If you are or have ever been in the infertility community you know, we’re MASTERS of crowdsourcing for info. There are FB group after FB group, tens of thousands of members deep that are run with 85-90% of the posts pertaining to crowdsourcing info. We got that covered. If we’re talking to you, and not asking for a comparison, it’s because we need to talk. We need to share our story. 

Sharing our stories, as people, that’s like one of our most basic desires. You want to share your story. We want to share ours. 

1. It’s ok to be honest. It’s ok to be honest with us when you don’t know what to say. A lot of times, we don’t either. It’s REALLY hard for people to admit this because we have such a culture that thrives on “saying the right thing” – well shit, that’s sets the bar pretty high, doesn’t it? So if you can’t think of the “right” thing to say (spoiler alert: there is no “right” but I digress) then we often times don’t say anything. We try to avoid being uncomfortable ourselves so we avoid the person and the situation which tends to make things worse. If your person shares something with you and you don’t know what to say, be honest, fess up, and acknowledge “wow, I want to say something but I just don’t know what to say”.

In that same vein, it’s ok for you to be honest if you need a break from talking about your persons infertility. You have a right to that boundary too. You can do it respectfully, of course, but it is ok to tell the person you care about, “I know how important this is to you, and YOU are important to me, and I love talking to you and I love that you want to talk to me about it but is there something else we can talk about right now?” something like that, it obviously doesn’t have to be such a wrote thing but a respectful re-direct. 

During our first few years, I talked about it constantly. To anyone and everyone. At work, at home, with friends. It consumed me and therefore it consumed my conversations. 

Just recognizing that for your person, can go a long way. I’m sure it can be frustrating as hell that it feels like every conversation finds its way to infertility. And oftentimes, when we don’t set a boundary around that, and the conversation continues to go that way, we grow more and more frustrated and that’s when we tend to say dismissive or insensitive things, or we ignore or avoid our person. I talk a lot with my cleints about setting boundaries for themselves. But you, as their person, as their friend or family member, you have the right to set a boundary too. For couples or best friends, It can be recommended that you set specific dates or times to talk about what you’re going through, so that your entire relationship doesn’t become about that one thing. 

And I don’t just want you to think of it as a boundary for you yourself but also this is kind of an incognito way to help your person. Like I said, the first few years I was consumed by infertility. I totally forgot I was a whole person outside of it. Because I hated myself so much, in relation to my infertility, I got so tunnel visioned on every aspect. 

By creating a boundary around when and how often to talk about what their going through, you might help them to reconnect with the parts of them that existed before infertility. 

Now, they might not like a boundary, and that’s ok. Boundaries set with love and intention can still be hard. But it’s also very hard to feel completely disconnected from someone you love and not know HOW to connect.

1. Lastly, try to not take things personally. This is super challenging for most people in just everyday situations. And we’re not really taught to do this, 99% of the time, we make the things that people do or say to us mean something about us. Infertility is no different. 

But your person is hurting. Deeply. Maybe in a way they’ve never thought they would or could. 

There’s LOT’s of big emotions (anger, jealousy, resentment, sadness, loneliness- and those are just the few that come to mind). When we are grieving, which is a HUGE, albeit unspoken aspect of infertility we tend to react in ways that we wouldn’t otherwise. Trauma, another HUGE and underacknowledged aspect of infertility also amplifies and changes our reactions to things. 

Your person might yell at you. Might be crying one minute and laughing the next. Might say some hateful things to you- now, I’m in NO WAY excusing behavior. Verbal, physical, or emotional abuse is unacceptable. 

But what we’re talking about it context. 

If someone you love, who has always been a pretty even keeled person is suddenly up and down, up and down- put it in to context. It’s not that, “oh they must hate me, or what the hell did I do wrong?” it’s They are REALLY struggling with something right now. Maybe this isn’t about me. 

It can be VERY hard to stay, what we coaches call “out of the pool” that means that the person we’re talking to is in their water, in their pool. Their pool feels very real to them. It feels very scary and tumultuous. As a coach, I know that I didn’t put them in that pool. It’s not my job to get in the pool with them, in fact, if I jump in the pool then I’ve lost the ability to be objective, supportive, and well to help. 

By staying out of the pool you can still acknowledge that what is happening for them is so very real, and also not about you at all. 

Your person might miss things. Family gatherings, baby showers, holiday parties, things like that can be incredibly difficult to navigate. Not only with the inappropriate questions and comments that will invariably come up but also this idea of “when is it gonna be my turn.” Family holidays can be really hard for us because we desperately want to be showing off a growing baby bump or a new baby. And every holiday and get together might be salt on that wound- it’s not a given that is true for everyone but it might be true from time to time with your person. 

Maybe your person is your best friend and your pregnant and she’s not and she’s distancing herself from you- this happened with me and my best friend. I got pregnant first and we had both started trying at pretty much the same time. I remember we had planned a baby moon to go to DC which is where they lived and we would sight see and visit with her and her husband. 

Of course, I was overjoyed. And of course, she was hurting. But neither os us took time to really acknowledge that and when we returned home, that was in May, and then my oldest was born at the end of August, between that time we didn’t communicate much. And when I tell you that she and I text SEVERAL times per day- that is actually downplaying our level of communication. 

But I think it was a couple of months before both of us really acknowledged what was going on. I opened up to her that I was frustrated that it felt like she was pulling away and that I so desperately wanted her to walk with me through this. She acknowledged that it was devastating for her to see me pregnant and still not be there, yet. 

It wasn’t like a magic cloud lifted right then but when we both stepped out of what was happening in our immediate lives, the immediate interpretation of what we were making each others words and actions mean, we were able to remember that both of us are just human. 

If this is you and your person, maybe you already have kids, maybe you don’t even want kids- taking yourself out of the story as the main character. The person that this is happening to “she’s ignoring me” “she’s cancelled plans the last two times” “They don’t even want to be around us” – when you take yourself out of that and consider, “maybe it’s really hard for her to be in large groups because either someone is going to ask about it or she’s afraid someone is going to ask”. 

Maybe she’s afraid she is going to get really emotional over something and not feel like she can control it and would risk missing out, rather than be embarrassed that she can’t stop crying because this adorable little family is also at the vineyard having a picnic and that’s an image she has pictured in her mind for her future family. 

Maybe the Fertility treatment hormones are absolutely kicking her ass and she’s exhausted. Maybe she doesn’t want to navigate all the “why aren’t you drinkings?’

Like there could be MILLIONS of reasons why that have absolutely nothing to do with you. 

Let her/ them have them. 

It’s not like you have to hide your disappointment, not at all, but make sure they know it’s not them you’re disappointed in, it’s that you care about them and want to spend time with them but that you UNDERSTAND why and that the invitation is standing so if they feel up to it that day, hurray, we’ll party down.

Above all, compassion. 

Compassion for them AND compassion for you. 

You’re not going to get it right, everytime. Hell, I’m a coach, I talk about this stuff all day everyday and I still get it wrong. 

No one bats 1000.

It’s a question of continuing to show up. Show up in compassion and curiosity. 

That’s what your person will remember the most. 

That’s the things that build and maintains connection during a time when they likely feel disconnected from everyone and everything, including themselves. 

That is what I have for you today, my friends. 

Until next time, remember you have got this. 

I’ll talk to you soon.