Welcome to IVF This Episode 34- Collateral Trauma

Hello, hello, hello

I’m really excited to share this episode with you all and really dive into another aspect of trauma. 

Before I do that, I want to remind everyone that I am still doing free mini sessions. It’s been a while since I talked about my mini sessions and what they are is 30 minutes, completely complimentary dedicated to you. You come with something that you would like coaching on and we just get straight to it. 

A few examples of what I’ve covered in my mini sessions are: processing emotions, navigating all of the comments that people make, managing anxiety, mom guilt, and a slew of other examples. It is really designed to be a very targeted experience. 

You can find the link to schedule the mini session either on my website- www.ivfthiscoaching.com or on my IG or FB profiles. If you have any questions or you’re not sure about jumping on a call, yet, shoot me an email at hello@ivfthiscoaching.com and you can ask a question there. If you’ve listened to this podcast for any period of time, then you’re going to be pretty familiar with my approach to coaching. So you really don’t have anything to lose, except maybe the thing that causing you pain right now. 

Ok, so let’s get into today’s topic- collateral trauma. 

So this is an expansion from the original two episodes where I covered trauma- so if you haven’t listened to episodes 5&6 of this podcast I would strongly encourage you to. In those episodes, I really lay the groundwork on the trauma that surrounds infertility and another concept that I call “compounded trauma” which is how I view infertility trauma in a lot of ways. 

So you should check that episode out, if you haven’t already or again, if you’re wanting a bit of a refresher. 

Before I get into Collateral trauma I think it is important to kind of remind people of the differences in trauma. There are what’s called Big “T” trauma’s and Little “t” traumas. 

I address this in the first two trauma episodes but I think it bears repeating- Most people associate trauma with harrowing everts like war, natural disaster, murders, etc. However, any distressing event that falls beyond the scope of normal human experience can be considered traumatic. 

Big T traumas are the traumas that most commonly associate with Post Traumatic Stress disorder. Little T traumas, are still traumatic but don’t really fall into the big “T” category. 

It’s also important to remember that there is no objective measure for what is and what is not considered trauma. No one can tell you that what you’ve experienced is or is not trauma. Well, I suppose they can tell you because people can say whatever they want, but it doesn’t make them correct. 

So the concept that I want to talk about today, which was actually developed by a coach mentor of mine named Caryn Gillen. Now she talked about it in reference to the workplace and how you can experience collateral trauma when you have terrible bosses and you’re constantly feeling like you’re in their wake. 

So I took this concept and started thinking about how I could apply it within the context of infertility.

Collateral trauma in infertility can look like, maybe after a loss, going back into the drs office for even a routine scan and you begin experiencing overwhelming fear, anxiety, etc.

Now, I do want to pause and remind everyone that not EVERYTHIGN is trauma. We gotta be careful not to label it that way, and I’m also talking to myself when I say that. Recognizing trauma for what it is is so essential for healing. But calling something trauma when it is what could be considered “expected” anxiety is not beneficial to the persona and can unnecessarily pathologize them or you. 

When I’m talking about ‘overwhelming’ fear or anxiety, I mean something that interferes with your daily life. Anxiety, fear, uncertainty is in a lot of ways an expected part of the infertility/ fertility treatment course, it’s also an expected course of being a human being. It’s not a problem. When it interferes with your ability to function, you go to extremes to avoid it, you spend a lot of time preoccupied with it- those are more telling signs of trauma. 

So, I’ve had several clients that have experienced miscarriages, and they all talk about going to the drs office, even for routine scans, is very anxiety producing. 

Now for some of my clients, it’s anxiety producing and they go and its uncomfortable to be sure, but it doesn’t prevent them for doing the thing. Now, I have a couple of other clients that have actually delayed restarting a new cycle because in their minds there is only one outcome for ANY scan and that is devastating news. One client that when she goes into the office and the scan starts, she began crying “uncontrollably” her words. 

These are a few examples of what I believe could be considered collateral trauma. It’s not the EVENT that occurred but the residual fallout of the event. Walking into those exam rooms can be very difficult because they are often the exam rooms where we have previously experienced terrible news. 

Another example I have from my clients is the re-telling of our stories. I have a client who experienced a miscarriage and about two or three weeks later she had a very large family gathering. This was the first one since the pandemic so it was the first time in over 15 months that she was going to get to see her parents and other extended family members.  

We spoke again after the get-together and she talked about how difficult it was to navigate all of the questions. Idk how many of you listening are friends fans but when Tom Sellick was a guest on the show, and he become one of Monica’s love interests he was newly divorced. One of their first conversations when he started his story arc was how when people find out you’re divorced people will do a head tilt to the side and ask “How are you going?” And that he would respond by nodding his head and saying “I’m doing well” or something like that. 

This was the comparison she talked about. Well-intentioned, caring family members would come up to her and tilt their heads and ask “how are you holding up?” or “how are you feeling?”

Then she would nod, and say “hanging in there” or “I’m doing ok”

Now, these are incredibly common responses to these types of questions. Most of us respond like this  because 1) we don’t want to talk about whatever it is that is actually weighing on us, 2) we don’t think people actually want to know about the hard stuff, or 3) it is more “polite” and easier for the conversations to move along by using those types of responses. 

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Within the context of collateral trauma, it can be these types of questions or even more direct, or intrusive questions that can elicit a much more powerful reaction in your body. It’s almost as if it can thrust you right back to that place where you got bad news, or answering the phone and hearing “I’m so sorry” or something like that. 

What usually happens is that we experience some sort of trauma response.

Trauma responses are normal reactions to abnormal events. 

A trauma response is anything that our nervous system cannot process. 

I want you to think of trauma and trauma responses as an electrical circuit. Imagine not being able to have the toaster and the microwave run at the same time. The system short circuits. It turns itself OFF to protect itself. 

I also like to think of trauma responses as like a fire suppression system. I remember being a kid and learning about fire safety and one of the ways to stop a fire is to throw a blanket on top of it- it cuts off the fire’s oxygen supply so the fire goes out. That’s also what happens with trauma responses. Your brain senses danger (aka fire) and it throws a blanket over itself to put out the fire. 

There is nothing wrong with having trauma responses. In fact, they’re actually beautiful reminders that your brains is working exactly how it was designed. 

Several common trauma responses that I’ve seen in my clients and are kind of text book can include:

The need to feel busy and distract yourself- how many of us do that? Amirite? Oh you can’t see me but I just raised my own hand. This is a fear-based distraction technique so you won’t be forced to acknowledge and feel if you were to slow down. Ooooof, that one hits me hard. 

Other ones are: overthinking (it’s a form of flight), perfectionism (we think if we do everything perfectly we won’t be judged and it will work), Controlling (I again have raised my hands- we think if we have control over things then we will be safe), people pleasing is a BIG one, getting locked into overwhelm, isolating, feeling numb, dissociation, explosive behavior or angry outbursts- I mean this list could go on and on and on. 

The most important thing you can do when you start to notice your trauma responses is to not make these things mean something about you. A lot of my client, exhibit these behaviors and make it mean that they are terrible people, that they aren’t “handling things well”, or that these behaviors are just part of who they are as a person- which isn’t true, they are behaviors not part of your personality. 

What I want to impart on you is the thing that is most helpful for you to know, besides what some of your trauma responses are and I’m going to give you some journal prompts to dig into that, is what is too much.

Knowing where your yes and you no, lives. 

There is tremendous amount of social pressure for us to “show up” to events, family events, showers, weddings, work. But often we show up to these things at the expense of ourselves. 

Offering to yourself that maybe you can sit this one out, or take a mental health day from work just as you would if you had the flu. 

Really ask yourself, what is my “yes” and what is my “no” for this event or other events or activities- knowing and understanding that your views might change depending on what has been going on in your life and that that is perfectly ok. 

So, I promised you some journal prompts to help you familiarize yourself with some of your trauma responses. 

These are just some ideas to get you started.