Welcome to IVF This episode 35- You are not selfish

Hello my beautiful friends. I hope you’re all doing very well today. 

Before we dive into today’s topic I want to share with you all that I have been working in collaboration with a few other fertility coaches for an open call on Clubhouse on Thursdays at 2pm EDT. 

It’s a beautiful mix of mindset coaches, holistic fertility coaches, function medicine practitioners, and other advocates within our community so there’s usually about 10 of us on the panel every week. If you’re not familiar with CH it is an audio only app that used to only be for apple users but has since expanded to android, as well. But it’s an amazing opportunity to hear speakers that you might have never gotten exposure from before. There’s a wonderful fertility/ infertility community there and this is one of the best panels I’ve ever been a part of. So you can come and ask any question, if we don’t have someone on the panel (that day) that can answer your question then we will take the question and your contact info and send it to an expert and send connect you to the person that can answer it- that hasn’t happened yet because we have a robust panel but we have that set up in the event that igth happen. 

If you’re not on CH, yet, and you want an invite, I still have several so all you have to do is download the app, create your profile and then send me either an email at hello@ivfthiscoaching.com or send me a message through IG or FB both are @ivfthiscoaching and send me your phone number- that’s how I can send the invite, and then you will be able to join. When you get on there, follow me @ivfthsicoaching (surprise, surprise) and you will know if I’m in a room and you can join that room and hear myself or someone else speak. It’s really an amazing platform for connection. 

So, I wanted to do a little listener love because It’s been a few episodes since I have- this one comes from Micheele Kapler, “Emily provides simple and useful tools to help navigate your IVF experience. Her ability to add levity and humor to an otherwise difficult topic is so appreciated. Keep doing this amazing work! Thanks Emily!”

Well, michelle. You’re so welcome! My sense of humor was one of the main things that got me through, well so many rough patches in my life as well as my journey so I’m so glad that I can impart that, while also offering tools and tips to help you navigate yours. 

Also, thank you for taking the time to rate and review! 

I know that you have a million things on your to-do lists and taking that 5 minutes out to rate and review is HUGE. I’ve said this a lot on the podcast but my work is all about changing how we think about, talk about, and experience infertility and when you rate, review, or share the podcast you are helping with that too. So thank you for being a part of the IVF This movement. 

Alright, let’s get into today’s topic which is “selfishness.”

I would say that every client I’ve had, well not just every client but every female relationship I’ve had in my life this idea of “selfishness” always comes up. 

I think most women experience this fear of being or being thought of as “selfish” and that’s why I want to talk about it today. 

Let’s start by defining selfish first, so it’s defined by the Google’s as (a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure. 

So, first off, I’ve got a bone to pick with this definition. I know it’s hard to believe that I have a contrary opinion and yet, here we are. I take issue with the qualifier (person, action, or motive). 

Because it makes it seem like there is some objective measure for what is and what is not selfish. 

I know I use that term “objective measure” a lot on the podcast but I think there are so many things that we have just accepted as “truth” that have not true measure. Meaning they are entirely subjective. And this is one of those. Which is why its kind of this sensitive yet ambiguous thing that so many of us struggle with. Something that I might interpret as “selfish” someone else would feel completely neutral about or even that it could be considered “selfless” and vice versa. So I think the first step is to kind of re-define what selfishness is. 

Personally, I believe that selfishness is rooted in Intent. What was my intent when I did X,Y, or Z. I understand that I cannot control how other people see or view my actions, words, etc so their reaction is based entirely on their own sets of thoughts, beliefs, biases. I have no control over that. So, I focus on the intent. Was my intent of doing this thing to harm someone else? Physically, emotionally, financially, whatever. 

So, now that we have re-defined “selfish” we need to unpack why we have this chatter in our brains telling us that we are selfish.

I want to give you a few examples of things that my clients have told me, examples of how they are “selfish”

A mom who leaves her kid at daycare an extra 30 minutes after her appointments because she needs to decompress a little. 

Having a fleeting thought about not “looking forward” to pregnancy because of what it could mean for their exercise regimen and making that fleeting thought mean that they are too selfish for kids. 

Enjoying gaming and making THAT mean they’re too selfish to be a parent.

Not attending a shower, gender reveal, or family gathering and making that mean that they are too selfish to support their friends or family. 

Spending money on clothes or vacation, or hell a cup of coffee when you’re saving up for a round and telling yourself because you did that or spent money that you’re too selfish. 

And these are just the examples OFF the top of my head. 

What I want to make sure I make ABUNDANTLY clear is that these are not “selfish” acts. 

What is happening is that you do something, and it could literally be anything, and you tell yourself “That was selfish”

I can’t do that, that would be selfish

I’m so selfish sometimes

So this is where the “Think, feel, do” cycle – my coaching framework comes in to play. 

Let’s take the example of saving up for an IVf cycle and getting a latte at Starbucks. 

So, you’re grabbing your latte and your thought it:

• I shouldn’t be doing this. I have coffee at home. I’m so selfish that I can’t even drink coffee at home to save up for IVF. 

• So when you think that, you probably feel something akin to guilt or shame

• When you feel guilt or shame you, (this is the “do” part of the cycle) you judge yourself, you berate yourself and then as a way to relieve berating yourself, you might buy something else another coffee, food, clothes whatever in an effort to alleviate this feeling of guilt or shame. 

The think, feel, do cycle is ALWAYS working. 

We can take the example of the mom who doesn’t pick up her kiddo right away after the drs appointment. Or even just considers NOT doing it. You’ve just left another scan or maybe you’re on Stims and we all know how phsycially taxing that process is, and so your thought is:

• I need to go pick them up right now. It’s selfish to leave them there when I am finished with my day.

• From that thought, maybe you feel a sense of obligation, dread, or something like that

• From that place of obligation, or dread, maybe you feel like you’re constantly on edge with the kiddo, snapping a them or something, then in turn you’re gonna judge the crap outta yourself for that and then now it’s not just that you’re selfish for even thinking about leaving them at daycare for a little while longer, we’re gonna toss on that you’re a terrible mom too. 

Our thoughts will always come out in our results. Always. 

So where does this come from? 

I’m so glad you asked!

Our social and cultural conditioning. 

Women, in particular, are socialized to overidentify with the needs of others and under identify with their own needs. We are taught we should be all things to all people at all times. 

This is conscious and unconscious societal messaging we get FROM BIRTH. 

We are rewarded for supporting or caring for people, even when it is at the expense of ourselves thus REIFNORCING this cycle. 

Sometimes it can be a parent that you felt was very selfish and, in an effort to NEVER be like that parent, the pendulum swings all the other way because you want to distance yourself from that example. 

Based on this and or our socialization, we often interpret the things that we want as “selfish” things. Thing about it even in terms of weight loss, “if I’m going to lose weight I have to be selfish. I have to put myself first.”

As innocuous as those statements might seem on the surface, if your unconscious working definition is that the things that you want or want to do are inherently selfish and that they are “at the expense of someone else” which then bumps up against your socialization, then you will 1) be much less likely to care for yourself in ANY manner, 2) have this low hum of “you’re selfish, you’re a terrible person” thought in the back of your head and well as we just described in the think, feel, do cycle will always get you the opposite of what you want AND you feel terrible about it either way. 

ZERO upside! Zero. 

 We have gone out of our way to confuse selfishness and self-care. And I’m not talking about Epsom salt baths, or whatever pseudo-empowerment Inspogram is trying to tell us is “self-care” I’m talking literally giving yourself 15 minutes of space to cry, scream, punch a pillow or whatever. 

My best friends, who at this point should get royalties every time I mention her on the podcast- she told me to say that. Anyway, one day her work computer died and she took it to the office and they said it would take 3 hours to fix but bc of their COVID practices, she couldn’t wait there and work. So she had a three hour window of doing nothing. I joked with her that she could do some retail therapy. She responded, “who are we kidding, I will buy something for the kids because I would feel too guilty getting something for me.”

And she did! She didn’t get anything for herself because that would be “selfish.”

This amazing individual who dedicates every moment NOT working to her kids, can’t even let herself buy new underwear because it would be selfish. 

Ok, so I’m going to give you a couple of things to think about and a technique to create more awareness around this idea of “selfishness” and how to start rewriting your story. 

1. The people who are most concerned about being selfish, ride the brakes so damn much that it would be impossible for them to actually do something that could be considered “selfish” – if there was such a measure.

2. What would it mean if you redefined the most important work that you do in the world as self-care? Taking care of yourself. Because if we look at the think, feel, do cycle of someone that takes care of themselves, someone that makes self care their priority- that’s not selfish. What would that persons think, feel, do cycle look like?

The technique or hack that I’m about to share with you is one of my favorite self-coaching things that I do for myself. 

1. I start off with, whenever I am feeling an overpowering emotion, like a really strong feeling, I ask myself “what is the most loving thing I can do for myself, right now?”

Now, this isn’t an immediate thing that I ask myself. I mean I have, Ive felt the feeling and then immediately went into compassion and love for myself. But there’s a lot of times that I will react to or avoid the emotion for a while, first, and then when it won’t be ignored any longer, because feelings are super patient, then I will let myself feel it and then ask myself. Whatever my brain offers me in that moment, is what I do. 

Scream, cry, take a nap. Anything. Your body will know EXACTLY what to do. We are just so used to drowning that out and not trusting our bodies that we’ve stopped asking ourselves that question. 

1. This is a journaling exercise, so I want you to sit down and set a timer for 2 minutes. 

One column, Write down all the things you do or the ways you are selfish. The second column is what you think to be selfish acts? 

Then ask yourself? Why do I think these are selfish- and do’t let your brain off the hook when it offers you some BS like, “well it just is” no, no go deeper. WHY? Why are they selfish? 

What you’re probably going to find is that there is no discernable reason the things that you do are selfish. It’s your thoughts. And our thoughts are always optional. 

Ok, that is what I have for you, my friends. 

Have a beautiful week and I’ll talk to you soon.