Welcome to IVF This- Episode 36 Toxic People

Hello my friends. I am so excited to talk about this topic today because it is something that I coach on regularly but I also see in a lot of the infertility and IVF forums. 

Before I do, I want to take a quick moment and remind everyone that I have a free mini-class that I offer. It’s called 3 steps to manage your anxiety. It’s a 15 minute video that you can get instant access to from my website: www.ivfthiscoaching.com. On the home page, about halfway down is the section where you add your name and email and the video link is emailed to you. This is a frame-work that I use all the time with my clients. This is how I teach you to change your relationship with anxiety. Why do I say it like that? Some of you might be asking. While also thinking, I don’t want to change my relationship with it, Em, I want to get rid of the damn feeling. 

The reason that I say “change your relationship” is because you cannot get rid of anxiety. It is a primal emotion that has kept us alive and safe throughout the entirety of our evolution. It’s a necessary emotion. It’s why we don’t walk up to a cliff and just walk the hell off. We need anxiety to provide us that heightened focus, the heightened awareness of our surroundings. 

When we change our relationship with anxiety, it no longer controls us. So many of us, walk around with this feeling of being at anxieties mercy. Like we don’t have control of our own body. But that is not necessarily anxiety. More often than not it is our RESISTANCE to anxiety that creates that overwhelming experience. Now, I’m not suggesting that anxiety feels awesome in our bodies. Not, it is quite uncomfortable. I am experiencing anxiety as I write and record this episode with our upcoming transfer. In fact, the day this episode is released (because I record a couple of weeks in advance, mostly) the day this is released, huby and I will be at our amazing clinic, Fora Fertility, transferring our very last embryo for our very last cycle. 

I have a LOT of thoughts about this transfer and I am doing a lot of self coaching around what it would mean if it fails. What it will mean if we achieve pregnancy. What it will be like to be pregnant again. What it will be like to mourn another failed transfer and the end of the family building phase of our lives. The anxiety is REAL y’all. Oh my, if you didn’t already know I was from Texas, that probably just sealed the deal. 

Anyway, a big part of my self coaching is processing that anxiety. Allowing for it to be there, even though it is uncomfortable as hell. I remind myself that feeling anxiety is not a problem. I don’t have to shame myself for feeling anxiety. I’m feeling anxiety because I am having a lot of anxiety producing thoughts. Remind myself that I am SAFE even when I experience anxiety. 

These are all the things that I teach my clients as well. 

So take the 15 minutes. Learn the basic, kind of beginner steps on how to change your relationship with anxiety. Listen to the Feel Better NOW episode, where I teach you how to allow for and process and emotion. And if you want to go deeper with that, schedule a mini session with me. 30 minutes, completely complimentary. Processing an emotion is probably one of the most common things I’ve on the mini session calls. 

Again, you can find the Anxiety mini course on my website, www.ivfthiscoaching.com so I strongly encourage you all to check it out. 

I also want to mention this because I’ve gotten a few DM’s on IG about this but my coaching is not just limited to the States, yes that is where I am based but I can coach anyone, anywhere. I have had a currently have several international clients. Time Zones can be a bit tricky so if you’re wanting to schedule a mini session or a consult and the only times you see are at 2am your time or something, send me an email hello@ivfthiscoaching.com let me know and we will make it work. I don’t want something like that to keep you from getting help when you need it. 

Ok, lets get back to the topic for today. TOXIC people. 

Now the word toxic is a huge buzzword that has grown in prominence over the last several years. You hear it all the time. Toxic people, toxic relationships, toxic workplace. All the toxicity. 

Right? 

I’m certain anyone of you have heard that term and most likely have used it in some capacity. 

It’s very much a term from what I call the pseudo-empowerment movement that we’ve seen over the past decade. 

Now, before I get started I want to remind you that you always have the option of thinking whatever you want. It is your life and your brain. My job is kind of two-fold for this podcast:

1. It is to help educate you as to WHY your brain does certain things. Oftentimes, because we are never taught these things, we tend to turn against ourselves and our brains and villainize our thoughts and feelings when our brain is doing exactly what it was designed to do. So I believe that creating awareness around these things is one of my primary responsibilities within this community. 

2. Is to give you a different way to think about things that many of us have just kind of accepted because of our culture and social messaging. 

So in this episode, I’m gonna do both.

What sparked this episode was several people that I’ve interacted with over the past few weeks and their conversations about the “toxic people in their lives. 

One person talked about how her sister-in-law is toxic because of some of the things that she had said and done to her. Things around comments about infertility, having children, etc. And then there had been some behaviors around leaving her, the person I was talking to, out of things, talking to other people about their infertility struggle behind her back, her sister in law announcing their pregnancy when the family was out celebrating her, again the person I was talking to, celebrating her and her husbands anniversary while knowing that they were starting IVF. 

Another example from a recent mini-session I had was from a workplace and how a coworker would make, what was perceived by my client as snide comments about doing IVF. This coworker is a devout Catholic and the official church position does not approve of any ART that interferes with the physical act of sex between a man and wife to procreate. Now that’s ONE view point of the church, there are a few other reasons but that is the one that is most pertinent to this conversation. My clients perception of this continued interaction was that it was toxic- both the person and workplace. 

Those are just a few examples because I don’t want to belabor the point but I am certain that there are numerous examples both within the context of infertility and just in everyday life that you all have experienced. The scenario isn’t what is important, however, it’s everything that is happening in your brain. 

So, firstly I’m going to go ahead and burst your collective bubbles in that there are no toxic people. People cannot be toxic. Toxins are defined as a poison or venom- people are not poisonnes or venomnes. People cannot be toxic, unless someone has radiation poisoning they cannot be toxic. 

Now, I’ve had MANY people argue with me about this- which is always fine, I love it!

People have said, “yea but have you ever been around someone and you just feel terrible after? Like they got on you? And now you feel XYZ?”

First, I say yes. I know what that feels like but, no, ever since I’ve found coaching I do not believe that. 

When you believe that someone can impact you, that someone is toxic, then you have handed ALL of your power to them. You’ve handed over your emotional and mental wellness to that individual. 

I don’t ever want someone else to have more power over me than I have over myself. 

It’s like being around a poisonous spider. You can be in that spiders presence and not get poisoned. The spider would have to bit you for you to be poisoned. So unless that person is actually injecting you with poison, you can be in there presence and it not be toxic. 

Again, I think so much of this goes back to the pseudo-empowerment movement that we have this messaging that people or situations are toxic. Which, based on the fact that we’re not taught about our thoughts and feelings makes sense why this BS makes sense. Right? We’re not taught that we are in charge of our thoughts and feelings- which is something I will go into depth on in an upcoming episode, so it makes sense why this idea of toxic people and situations was able to be so readily accepted. 

So if we don’t have toxic people- like if there is no “toxic person” or “toxic situation” then what do we have. We have people and situations with whom and where we get triggered because of our own thinking. 

They trigger you to have thoughts. 

There are people that act in ways that trigger you to think, feel, and act in certain ways. 

There are people who bring out the worst in you, or who you believe bring out the worst in you by how you think, about them or yourself, when you’re around them.

My bestie used to work at this firm, this was a while ago and it was kind of a transition job, where she used to talk about how toxic the environment was. Her boss, was not a great manager (that’s a thought, I know) but basically what happened was the boss and some of her coworkers and it seemed kind of like the company culture was to hyper focus on the shortcomings of staff members. I know this is a very common thing, they’ll disguise it as “well, here are your opportunities” but it’s the same shit, right? Anyway, she felt like her boss was constantly telling her that she was not doing enough, that her product was suboptimal, that she wasn’t a team player- all of these things. So she felt her boss and her workplace was very toxic. 

But really what was happening is that this boss and that culture was triggering all of the unconscious and some conscious belief systems that she had about herself. 

In her mind, and we talked about this, the things that her boss said to her and about her, in her mind, confirmed the worst things that she already believed about herself. 

THAT’S why these things are so powerful. 

It’s not THAT her boss was saying to her, it was that she agreed (on some level). It was that she cared more about what her boss thought of her, than she cared about how SHE, herself, thought about herself. 

For my client that talked about how her sister in law was toxic. The reason that the SIL is viewed that way is because the things that she says and does trigger thoughts in my client. Now, I’m never debating the appropriateness of the these things. That’s not for me to judge. We just want to make sure we are really clean with our thoughts. 

There are people that we don’t like and that’s ok. That’s totally fine. You get to choose who you want and don’t want in your life. But what I want to offer you is that when you start to take ownership of your thoughts and truly realizing that no one is toxic, someone can be around you and it not affect you at all. You can make room for those people in your life. 

Because we have this belief that there are toxic people, we think we have to remove these people or these circumstances from our lives. But, if I've convinced you that there's no such thing as a toxic person, then what will you do with these people? These people who trigger you? These people who trigger negative thoughts in you? These people who cross your boundaries? These people who you are challenged when you are around them?

First and foremost, I want to remind you of a couple of things.

1. People are allowed to do and say whatever they want. Now, there are consequences But people are allowed to behave however they choose. I know this is hard for so many of us, myself included. People do not have to follow rules. For me, for instance, I tend to speed. I know the law. I can clearly see the speed limit signs. I understand that I can get a ticket for speeding and yet, sometimes, I still speed. Speed limit is a rule and I still choose to break that rule. 

People are allowed to cheat

Allowed to lie

Allowed to say things

We’re all human beings 

We all have free will

We’re allowed to do what we want

The second thing is that you get to choose who you want to spend time with. 

You get to decide. Always. 

You are always in charge of who you spend time with. 

You do not have to spend time with anyone you don’t want to spend time with- just like your reasons for that decision. 

And it’s not because they’re toxic- they don’t have any power over you. 

It’s because it is your conscious and deliberate choice. 

This goes for anyone: friends, parent, siblings, extended family, children, coworkers, anyone. 

If you’re spending time with anyone, it’s because it is your choice. 

Remember, number one is people are allowed to behave the way they want to behave, period. There's nothing you can do about it. 

Number two, you get to choose who you spend time with. 

The other thing I want you to know is  that You don't have to take responsibility for how other people behave or for their feelings.

 That is not your job.

But you do, I highly recommend, take responsibility for how you behave. 

I notice that it is harder for me to behave around certain people. 

I have this ideal for who I want to be. 

When I'm around certain people, I sometimes find myself not being kind. 

I find myself not being respectful. 

I find myself raising my voice and blaming the other person for how I'm behaving. It is never their fault for how I'm behaving.

They are allowed to behave how they want to behave. 

I am responsible for my behavior, so if someone is rude to me, it is not their fault if I am rude back to them. 

That's on me. 

If someone raises their voice to me, I can't take responsibility for that, but if I raise my voice back, then I do need to take responsibility for that. 

I need to take responsibility for how I behave. If somebody comes at me and is disrespectful, and then I'm disrespectful back, I have to take responsibility for my behavior. 

It is never their responsibility for how I behave. 

This is so important to remember, If you think someone is toxic, and you think their behavior is unacceptable and then you behave in an unacceptable way- a way that doesn’t align with the person you want to be (maybe you’re being passive-aggressive, or gossiping, or being rude back to them- but you’re justifying your behavior because of the way they’re acting, then you have convinced yourself that they have more power over you and that they can control how you behave. 

It’s never them. 

If you’re with someone, and you find yourself behaving in a way that you don’t like or a behavior that mirrors their behavior (the behavior that you find to be toxic) the answer isn’t simply to remove that person from your life because it is an opportunity to work on yourself. 

To develop those boundaries, to take back control and take back your power. 

Here's my suggestion. You decide whether you want to spend time with someone, you own that choice, and you make sure you like your reason for not spending time with them. 

Notice, if the reason is "they're toxic," you're saying, "They're too powerful. 

I can't behave myself when I'm around them. I can't control my emotions when I'm around them. I feel awful when I'm around them." 

Notice, they are not responsible for how you feel, so you can't give them credit for causing your feelings. If you want to say, "It's too much work to be around them," "It's hard for me to feel good around them," "I don't like how much thought work I have to do around them. That's why I'm choosing not to be around them," then that's another thing.

Here's an example I used with one of my clients when she was talking about nto getting along with her brother in law. Her sister and her she considered to be pretty close but she idd not get along with her brother in law. She felt like he was mean to her. He would say, in her words, snide things just to get at me. 

So she took it all very personally and stopped spending as much time with her sister as they ahd previously spent. They lived in the same town and were used to spending time with each other several times a week. 

She was blaming her brother in law for missing time with her sister. 

So I asked her if everytime she was around her sister, and her sister had a dog that was very mean to her, and growled every time she was near, barked at her, and tried to keep her away form her sister, would that prevent her from spending time with her sister. 

She said, no, I wouldn’t let that bother me. It would be a little annoying but I wouldn’t take it personally. 

Now, I wasn’t comparing her BIL to a dog- but rather drawing a parallel that dogs behave the way they behave. People behave the way they behave. 

Everyone and everything is allowed to behave the way they behave. 

This was really powerful for her because she was blaming her BIL for not getting to spend time with her sister because she was making him responsible for her feelings. And she didn’t like that reason. 

Ultimately, she could decide that she doesn’t want to spend that much time with her sister because it requires her to do a lot of conscious thoughtwork around her relationship with her BIL, and she might like that reason. 

For me, when I am going to spend time with someone that I know historically might trigger me to have negative thoughts, first I won that it’s my own thinking that is creating that emotion (right? the think, feel, do cycle I talk about). 

Then I do my work before, during, and after I spend time with them. Does that mean that I don’t get annoyed, or something- absolutely not. I still experience all the same emotions, but I don’t give that person the credit. This isn’t a group project, it’s just me. 

I am in charge of what I think, feel, and do- always. 

Nobody is powerful enough to create a thought or feeling within me. 

Don’t ever let anyone have that kind of power over you. 

And if you need some help with this, maybe there is a really challenging relationship in your life that you would like to work on, book a free mini session with me and we can start working on it. 

Ok, that is what I have for you today, my friends. 

Have a beautiful week and I’ll talk to you soon.