Welcome to IVF This- Episode 41 Thought Colored Glasses

Hello, hello, hello my beautiful friends!

I’m so happy to be talking with you on this sweltering day in Austin.

The summer here has not been terrible, it’s actually been a bit milder than normal but I am not someone that tolerates heat very well. I melt like a cheap candle and it’s not at all visually appealing. 

But overall in the world of IVF This things are going well. 

I do want to take a minute and talk about something that has been on my mind for a while. 

In October, I will be launching a small group coaching program. 5-10 of us IVF’ers that will meet weekly, I will have video lessons available and a few other fun things that I will share in greater detail later. But I’m announcing it now, at the end of August, because if you want to get in on that, or at least find out more details you need to get on my email list. That is where I will be sharing information in detail, that’s where you’re going to the most up-to-date information on the group coaching program. 

The way you get on my email list is by going to my website, www.ivfthiscoaching.com or my social media pages on IG or FB @ivfthiscoaching and take my free mini course called 3 simple steps to manage your IVF anxiety. It’s a 15 minute video that lays the foundation for how I teach you to change your relationship with anxiety. 

I haven’t met a woman that is going through fertility treatments that doesn’t have anxiety- you can absolutely benefit from this free course. 

Again, go to my website www.ivfthiscoaching.com or you can also access my website through the link in my SM profiles and get in on that class and get on my email list for all the juicy details about the upcoming group coaching program. 

Ok, so today’s topic is something that I have really spent the last couple of months working on for myself. The concept of thought-colored glasses, the term at least was coined by one of my favorite coaches, Krista St. Germain. I had her on the podcast a few months ago talking about post-traumatic growth and I absolutely adore her. 

This term thought colored glasses is of course a play on the phrase rose-colored glasses. Most of us have probably heard that term. I think it was a really popular phrase from prior generations but it means that when someone is wearing rose-colored glasses that someone is being naïve or only focusing on the really good things, and ignoring or refusing to look at the not so great things. 

It’s not usually said in the kindest or encouraging ways. It’s kind of telling someone that they are being unrealistic. 

But I want you to think about when you’ve worn tinted glasses. Most of you listening lived through the early 2000’s and some of the less than stellar fashion choises like blues, yellows, and various other tinted glasses. That we now look back on and cringe. 

Right but think about putting a pair those on right now. I remember I had a pair that were blue (don’t judge me), so when I would put them on, when I would look through them the entire world would be that shade of blue. Right? Yellow glasses and your view of the world would be that shade of yellow. 

So why is this important? Because your thoughts work the same way. When we have a thought, our brains filter the world through that thought and shows us a version of the world that matched that thought- the “color” of that thought, if you will.

So, for this episode, I’m going to share with you some common thoughts that I have seen time and time again from coaching so many of my beloved IVF’ers. Bear in mind that you might not have had the same exact thoughts, but I would venture to guess you’ve had something related, like something in the same ballpark as these thoughts. 

I want to show you how that thought is potentially coloring your world, so you can decide if you want to keep that thought or you can decide if you want to take off those particular thought colored glasses and put on a new pain that colors your world differently. 

So the first thought is, “no one understands.” This is soooo incredibly common. And maybe for you it’s no on one understand, maybe it’s for people who haven’t gone through infertility or fertility treatments don’t understand, right? I know I absolutely thought this many times throughout my journey. “No one understands” think about how you feel when you think “no one understands. 

For me that felt very isolating, very lonely, hurt, frustrated. Most of us have had this thought and many of us might still agree that this thought it true. 

But let’s take those thought-colored glasses off and look at what that thought is creating for you in your life. 

We think, “no one understands” and we feel “lonely, hurt, rejected, isolated” Then when we feel that way, because our feelings determine the things tat we do- right the think, feel, do cycle, most of us will pull away. We shut down, we stop sharing, we isolate. Which results in us not giving people the opportunity TO understand because we’re pulling farther and farther away. 

Now, sometimes you might WANT to make that choice. Sometimes you might not want to share things and that’s incredibly reasonable and common. There’s no right or wrong here. This is about creating awareness around how your thought, “no one understand” colors how you perceive the world. 

Ok, the second thought is “This shouldn’t be happening” or “we shouldn’t have to do this” 

This one was certainly in my rolodex of thoughts for a very long time. This shouldn’t be happening. We shouldn’t have to struggle like this. This should be easier. This comes up with infertility, IVF, and loss. We go down the terrible spiral of comparing ourselves to others, growing resentment for those we perceive to have had an “easier time”, we essentially completely resist where we are, right now, and that resistance feels terrible. All resistance feels terrible. So then, you have this thought and then your brain (doing what all brains do) starts finding evidence for how it should have gone. WE get preoccupied with other peoples stories and experiences. We obsess over timelines, we run through every possible scenario, every thing that we did or didn’t do, everything that we tell ourselves we should or should not have done. Every time we think this shouldn’t be happening, our brain find evidence for how that through it “true”- and this works for ANYTHING that we believe should or should not have happened. 

I’m dedicating an upcoming podcast episode to this because of how common it is and how terrible it makes us feel. But essentially, it comes down to. This IS your journey. This IS where you are. This is happening. Acceptance. Think about the thought colored glasses that difference between “I shouldn’t have to do IVF” and “I am doing IVF.” Notice I am not suggesting yougo from WE shouldn’t have to do IVF to “we GET to do IVF” or “we should have to do IVF”- no. If someone had tried to reframe my early infertility as “you should have to go through this” well, let’s just say that I would’ve told them where they could stick their reframe. But if we just start with “WE are doing IVF” or “we are experiencing infertility” then you are not spending your time, energy, and attention with fighting the past, future, and present. We aren’t giving our brains the directive to find evidence to show us that what really is happening or has happened, shouldn’t have. 

The third thought is, “I feel stuck” or “I feel like my life is on pause”- let me tell you, I have thought this is so many different ways in my life- work, school, relationships, and infertility. 

This idea that we have to put our lives on hole while we wait for the next cycle, the next test, the next transfer, the pregnancy, the baby.  So using the same think, feel, do cycle- when we think we are stuck or that our life is on pause, we kind of feel paralyzed. Maybe a little frustrated. We actually take less action because we’re wearing those thought colored glasses. WE don’t even look at taking a vacation, or we start and then we decide that we “can’t” or something else comes up. When we think we feel stuck or that our lifeis on pause (right the subtext of that is without our consent) then we feel confused, paralyzed, frustrated- whatever negative emotion and humans just do not take productive action from that place. You cannot take positive action from a negative emotion. 

And again, our brains will get to work collecting evidence of our thinking. Our brain searches for all the areas where we aren’t making any progress- or the progress we believe we should be making. Our brain will show us all the evidence of our inaction- not because it’s an asshole. Well, it can be kind of an asshole, but because that is how our brains are wired. Our brains are wired to find and collect evidence. So when we latach onto being stuck or on pause, we will literally block ourselves from being able to go anywhere it is we want to go or do whatever it is we want to do. 

The fourth thought is, “I will never be happy unless I’m a mom”. PHEW, this one brings back A LOT of memories from the first few years of our journey. Now, when I saw that I believed this, Ya’ll I believed this to my CORE. Is this something you believe. Maybe not won’t be happy but you’re life wont be as meaningful, or vibrant, or full of love or joy. It’s all the same glasses. 

So think, feel, do cycle- you think this and you might feel hopeless, despair, sadness, anger, right all of the feelings. That’s how I felt, absolutely. I was so sad. Now, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with sadness. It’s one of the amazing emotions that we get to experience. But think about how we show up when we feel sad, what we do. That’s right, you’re brain gets to work showing you how unhappy you are without your family, it gives you evidence for how little vibrance or joy exists in your life. In seme cases how meaningless you life is. 

Not because it is, not because it is without those things, but because that is how you perceive the world based on your thinking. 

And finally the fifth thought is, “I don’t know who I am” or “I’ve lost myself in this journey” And I remember feeling completely lost and unsure of myself and that thought felt so true to me, I don’t know who I am. But it’s not really true. There’s so many things you still know about yourself right now. 

Imagine you traveled to a country that you’ve never been in. You don’t speak the language, you don’t really understand the culture, you didn’t really study up before you came. You get off the plane, you’re in this foreign country, you’re probably not going to tell yourself, “I don’t know who I am.” It’s not going to occur to you. You’re going to say, “Wow, I’ve never been here before. This is new. This is unfamiliar. I don’t speak this language yet. I better get a map. I better get Google Translate.” 

But at no point when you get off that plane do you start doubting that you know who you are. But yet this is what we do in grief. This is what we do when are in the throes of infertility and treatments AND we believe it. I don’t know who I am. But I want to offer to you that that thought will block you from what you do know and you will convince yourself that this thought is true because your brain is doing its job and finding evidence of your thinking. 

But what if it’s not true at all? What if it’s just thought-colored glasses? What if you know so much about who you are? And maybe you’re in a new country, maybe you’ve never had this life experience before. Maybe you feel very disoriented, maybe you don’t speak the language, maybe it’s a little scary. 

But you still know you. You still know what you like, you still know what your preferences are. You still know who you are. You, the you that is you hasn’t really changed. What if you decided to wear those thought-colored glasses? Would that serve you? Try them on. 

So here’s the truth; our whole human experience is made up of thought- colored glasses. Our whole human experience is determined by the thought-colored glasses we put on and leave on. And most of us aren’t doing it on purpose. We aren’t doing it consciously, with intention. 

Somewhere along the line we picked up some thought-colored glasses and we put them on and we’ve been wearing them for so long that we don’t even know we can take them off. We don’t even know we’re wearing them anymore. It’s just the way we see the world. 

I could come up with dozens and dozens and dozens of thoughts that I have had as a widow, that I have coached my clients on. And most of them aren’t ones we choose on purpose if we could fully see their impact. If we could see how they are coloring our world, we would take off those glasses because they block us from the life we want. They hold us back from loving our life. 

And that’s what I want for you. That’s what’s possible for you. That you can truly love your life. Not just tolerate it but actually love it. So I challenge you, which one of these thought-colored glasses that I covered in this episode do you want to take off of your face? Just pick one. Just pick one. 

Every time you realize that you’re wearing that pair of glasses, you can just take them off. You don’t even have to put on any new glasses. Just take off that thought. What would your life be like without it? So much easier, so much less suffering. 

And then start looking for the other thought-colored glasses that you’re wearing and you haven’t even noticed. Which ones do you want to keep wearing? Which ones do you want to take off? You get to choose. This is your life. You get to be the boss of your thinking. You get to be the boss of your future.