Welcome to IVF This, episode 49- Infertility Burnout Part 2

Hello my beautiful friends. 

I’m so excited to bring this episode to you, a continuation from last weeks, part 1 about burnout. 

Now, the reason that I broke them up into two parts is because infertility burnout is not regularly or openly discussed so I really wanted to take the time to explain it and break it down. 

So this week, we’re going to be talking about what to DO with that information. 

Most of you listening to this are probably already experiencing some signs of burnout or you’re like FULLY there- that’s ok. Hope is not lost.

I’m going to talk ab out several things that are often discussed around stress and burnout. 

Now, before I get into those, I want to make it abundantly clear that it is not necessary to do all or any of these things. All of these are choices. They’re options.

You try one and don’t find it terribly beneficial, cool, you can change your approach. 

You’re not married to any of this. I’ve probably said this before, but we don’t use this type of work against ourselves. So there’s no place for “Shouldding” – I should do this or that- nope, nothing like that. This is about giving you more tools in your tool belt to help you when you are experiencing or think you might be experiencing burnout. 

M’Kay?! No bullying allowed!

Alright, lezzz go!

So the first thing is everything we did in the previous episode. We created awareness around it. We can now recognize the signs. That’s so important. Remember, we can fix or heal from what we can’t see. Now we see it. 

Next, are there any immediate changes that you can make?

Are there things that you can take off your list while you’re going through treatment? Do you volunteer somewhere and you can ask to be taken off that schedule for a couple of months. 

Is there a work project or something that you could hand off or delegate?

Is there things around the house you could hire out for? 

One of my favorite questions to ask myself when I have a seemingly never-ending list of to-do’s is: ok, I want this to get done, but am I the only person that can do it? Who or what else could I utilize. So for instance, just in my work I have both a podcast producer, his name is Anthony and he’s a God-send. He edits the podcast and does all the backend technical stuff to make sure it’s available to you guys on Monday’s. Now, could I have figured this out and do it myself? Sure. It probably wouldn’t sounds as amazing, and it would take me much longer than it takes him. 

Again, is this something I could do? Yes, of course. But did it HAVE to be done by me? No. Not at all. 

We live in a time where help is available to us everywhere. 

Think about grocery trips, or other errands. Hell, preparing dinner. There are so many things we tell ourselves we “have” to do, but yet we don’t necessarily HAVE to be the ones to do them. 

I’m not talking about procrastinating on things, because that will only make the anxiety worse. When we procrastinate, we just put doing the thing off, but it doesn’t leave our minds. I’m not saying that I don’t procrastinate, I think if my husband was on this podcast he might not be able to compose himself we would be laughing so hard. I totlly procrastinate but I also recognize that it doesn’t actually create peace or calm for me- usually the opposite. 

So look for ways that you can take things OFF your list. 

Another one is talking to people that can support you. Friends or family that provide support. Counselors or coaches. Something that gives you an opportunity to be heard and also maybe offers you strategies to help you navigate the process. 

Practicing mindfulness is up next.  Meditation, yoga, journaling, sitting still- it doesn’t have to be this laborious process. Just taking time to connect with your body is going to be very important. Giving your brain some air time, using journaling, can be INCREDIBLY beneficial. 

You guys know that on here and on my IG page, I talk about the many benefits of journaling, regularly. So many of us don’t get started either because we think it will take too long, itll be hard, or we wont know what to say. Here’s my hack, google, get on Pinterest, or you can visit my IG page under “highlights” and look for Journal prompts. Find one, just one, write it at the top of your page. Set a timer for two minutes. JUST TWO MINUTES. Let yourself write for two minutes. Stop yourself at that mark, write past it if you feel like you’re on a role. But give yourself the gift of two minutes and see how much it helps. 

And next, you guys know it’s one of my favorite words EVER- Compassion. Compassion, compassion, compassion. Remember the last episode when I said I didn’t think that our thoughts necessarily created burnout but our thoughts can 100% exacerbate burnout? This is where compassion comes in. So we are already feeling bad, because of all the things going on. Then we double down on ourselves by calling ourselves names, shouldding on ourselves, just adding shit layer after shit layer on this shit parfait. Compassion, my beautiful friends. 

Remind yourself, “I know WHY you’re feeling this way.”

Most people in my position would probably feel this way. Sometimes wallowing IS self-care. Sometimes crying or screaming or retail therapy IS the best medicine. There’s no wrong way to do this. There is NO manual for how you are supposed to “handle” the IVF experience. Even giving yourself some semblance of compassion can ONLY benefit you. 

Ok, so those are a lot of the things that people talk about in reference to burnout so the next two things that I am going to cover are much more specific things that I strongly suggest. 

Create a minimum baseline for yourself. Check out episode 25 of this podcast to learn more about Minimum baselines. Essentially, it is a list of things, the MINIMUM amount of things, you decide to do in a day to meet the basic necessities of your life. This process is so incredibly helpful because it gives you the basic framework for how you can show up in your life on a day when you are just NOT feeling it. Do yourself a favor and check out that episode and create a minimum baseline for yourself. I cannot tell you how HUGELY important my minimum baseline is to me and my life. I have this like running thought of “I’m not doing enough”- that’s like my default setting. It’s constantly on a loop. So when I would experience the NORMAL low’s of life, I would just beat the crap out of myself for, you guessed it, not doing enough. 

When I created a minimum baseline for myself, I got to intentionally decide what “enough” was. Enough for me, is changing out of my pajamas, feeding myself and anyone that is dependent upon me for their survival, meeting with my clients, if I have them scheduled. That’s it. That’s enough for some days. 

And finally, we’re going to talk about something called the “stress Cycle” 

This is probably the most important thing, important takeaway that I can offer you regarding burnout. 

Now, I did not coin this term or what I am going to talk about. 

This came from the Book, Burnout by Drs Emily and Amelia Nogski and frankly I think this should be required reading for any woman. Its on audible or in paperback. Check it out. 

In the book, the authors clearly lay out how our lives are FILLED with stress, day-to-day, and they don’t even talk about infertility ya’ll. This is just everyday life. 

The problem isn’t necessarily that we face stress all day every day, it is that we don’t complete the stress cycle. By not completing the stress cycle, we leave ourselves vulnerable to burnout or we just continue to live in burnout. 

So what is the stress cycle? I want you to think of it as the moment after you have been exposed to a stressor, actions or thoughts, doesn’t matter what it is and then your body starts to calm down as it realizes that you are not in immediate physical danger. That is the completion of the stress cycle. 

Let's illustrate this by taking it back to the old school. When our ancestors swerved some threat, say, being chased by a tiger, they might have achieved their survival by running away to their village. Here, the resident muscle maybe threw a few spears at the animal and slays it. Everyone jumps, cheers and celebrates. Woo! In this moment, for the runner away-er, the stress cycle is tied up.

For a moern example, you can literally use anything about our infertility experiences. Maybe a birth or pregnancy announcement. Someone says something asenine, you see your clinics name pop up on your phone as an incoming call, waiting for test results. All of the things. 

Your cortisol and adrenaline spike. Your body enters fight or flight. It chooses flight, and commands that you bolt to safety somewhere far away, where terrifying changes can't get you. Apart from, of course, you don't. You scroll your phone for whatever information you can find, panic eat half a pack of biscuits and try and distract yourself with Netflix. 

The problem? You've not completed the stress cycle. As the Nagoskis note, when this happens on the daily, your stress response is in chronic activation.

This is not good. It means lit up blood pressure (AKA an increased chance of heart disease) as well as digestion that's been played with (the stress response slows your gut function down, so that you can put all of your energy into running or fighting). 

Topline: completing the stress cycle – and thus taking yourself out of the stress response – is a serious imperative for your health. And potentially your fertility. Now, I am not saying that to indicate that infertility is somehow your fault- because it’s not. But stress has a significant impact on our overall health. By completing the stress cycle, you can help your body process and release the stress. When you process and release your stress, it doesn’t compound. If it doesn’t compound, you’re not as at risk for burnout. Remember last episode I said that burnout is an accumulation of events. It’s not one or two things. It’s compounded. If we can manage the stress that leads and builds burnout, that is where we will see the most impact. 

So HERE are the 7 things they talk about in burnout to help you complete the stress cycle:

1.Move 

Running, dancing, swimming, whatever: the Nagoskis note that exercise is 'your first line of attack in the battle against burnout.' Aim for 20 to 60 minutes a day. 

2. Breathe

'Deep, slow breaths down-regulate the stress response—especially when the exhalation is long and slow and goes all the way to the end of the breath, so that your belly contracts,' write the Nagoskis. 

'A simple, practical exercise is to breathe in to a slow count of five, hold that breath for five, then exhale for a slow count of ten, and pause for another count of five. Do that three times—just one minute and fifteen seconds of breathing— and see how you feel.' 

3. Talk to people 

'Casual but friendly social interaction is the first external sign that the world is a safe place,' say the Nagoskis.

'Just go buy a cup of coffee and say 'nice day' to the barista. Compliment [your colleagues] earrings [via Zoom.] Reassure your brain that the world is a safe, sane place, and not all people suck.' 

4. Laugh

'Laughing together—and even just reminiscing about the times we’ve laughed together—increases relationship satisfaction. We don’t mean social or 'posed' laughter, we mean belly laughs—deep, impolite, helpless laughter. 

'When we laugh, says neuroscientist Sophie Scott, we use an 'ancient evolutionary system that mammals have evolved to make and maintain social bonds and regulate emotions.' 

5. Speak to loved ones

'When friendly chitchat with colleagues doesn’t cut it, when you’re too stressed out for laughter, deeper connection with a loving presence is called for. Most often, this comes from some loving and beloved person who likes, respects, and trusts you, whom you like, respect, and trust,' say the Nagoskis.

'It doesn’t have to be physical affection, though physical affection is great; a warm hug, in a safe and trusting context, can do as much to help your body feel like it has escaped a threat as jogging a couple of miles, and it’s a heck of a lot less sweaty. 

'One example of affection is the 'six-second kiss' advice from relationship researcher John Gottman. Every day, he suggests, kiss your partner for six seconds. 

That’s one six-second kiss, mind you, not six one-second kisses... six seconds is too long to kiss someone you resent or dislike, and it’s far too long to kiss someone with whom you feel unsafe.' 

6. Cry

'Anyone who says 'crying doesn’t solve anything' doesn’t know the difference between dealing with the stress and dealing with the situation that causes the stress,' the sisters write. 

'Have you had the experience of just barely making it inside before you slam the door behind you and burst into tears for ten minutes? 

Then you wipe your nose, sigh a big sigh, and feel relieved from the weight of whatever made you cry? You may not have changed the situation that caused the stress, but you completed the cycle.' 

7. Do something creative 

'Engaging in creative activities today leads to more energy, excitement, and enthusiasm tomorrow.

'Why? How? Like sports, the arts—including painting, sculpture, music, theatre, and storytelling in all forms—create a context that tolerates, even encourages, big emotions.' 

Time to get those watercolours out? 

Ok, that is what I have for you today, my beautiful friends. 

Have a wonderful week and I’ll talk to you again, soon. !