Welcome to IVF this episode 61- The unfair fantasy

Hello, hello, hello my friends. I hope you’re all doing well. 

I hope you can’t tell but I’m recording this episode in my closet right now. 

COVID has come to the Ginn house. My husband tested + a few days ago, he’s doing well and then this morning (the day I am recording) my 7 year old tested + as well and he is doing well too . But we are ALL home and well, my husband and our children only have one volume, Drunk uncle. There is no modulation at all. 

So, while I have a supremely talented producer, but he might not be able to get out ALLLLL of my family’s noise. So, if something sneaks through, I apologize. 

But, this is not going to stop us! So, Let’s get into unfair fantasies.

Let me start by laying a bit of groundwork. This is in no way meant to blame, shame, criticize, or judge. 

There are times that the most loving thing that I can do, as your coach, is to tell it to you straight. Most of the time, the people that love us will show us empathy and that’s about it. Now that’s not a drag on empathy, I think that’s a beautiful emotion, BUT it is somewhat limiting in that, it doesn’t really give us an opportunity to grow, to change, to evolve. I steadfastly believe that it is possible for you to live a life that you love, to love yourself even in the midst of infertility. Now, I will ALWAYS hold space of the pain, the grief, and the loss during this time. AND I will continue to fight for a future and a life for you all that is beautiful during and after this journey. 

Also, I get that some of you might not be at a place to hear this podcast, yet. That’s completely ok. As I sat down to write this, I definitely thought back and know and can acknowledge that this is not a message I would have been receptive to at times. I might have thought it was insensitive or even heartless and probably told them to F off. So, if that’s you, if you’re not ready, you don’t have to take this one to heart right now. You always, always have the choice. You can always decide this one is not meant for you, right now. You can come back later, if you want. But it will always be here for you.

So, let’s get in to it? What’s an unfair fantasy and why do we care enough to make a WHOLE podcast episode about it? 

Let me ask you this- have you ever told yourself that if only you could get pregnant like “everyone else” then things would be better? If only I didn’t miscarry? If only you didn’t have to spend tens of thousands of dollars on IVF then things would be better? That you would be happier, That you wouldn’t be feeling so lonely or overwhelmed right now? THIS. This is an unfair fantasy. 

Yes, it is true that if you got pregnant shortly after deciding you wanted to get pregnant, if you never had to do IVF, if you never suffered a loss, then you wouldn’t have any negative emotions related to infertility, IVF, losses, whatever the fantasy is. We can also admit that we wouldn’t have any negative emotions related to the secondary loss of infertility- the loss of time, the hardships on relationships, things like that are what I call secondary losses. 

We can all admit, that this is true. BUT it is unfair to ourselves. It is an unfair fantasy what we so easily fall for that somehow, if this wasn’t our journey then you wouldn’t have the same negative emotion (and let me say that I indulged in this fantasy for YEARS). 

WE have this fantasy that the ratio of positive to negative emotions that the overall quality of our lives would be objectively better, if this wasn’t our journey. 

And, just like with everything, we don’t just do this around our infertility journey. We do this about LOT’s of things in our lives. If only I had more money, If only I had gone to a certain school, or graduated, if had a different family, or hadn’t experienced this other trauma, or if I had a different job, or if I lost weight, if I got a new house or a new car- we tell ourselves “if only” then I’d be happier. If only this hadn’t happened, or if it happened differently then somehow it would be better. 

But it’s not true. Not not, and this is coming from an incredibly loving place. We are humans on this planet, and part of being human means that we will experience pain. We will experience loss. Negative emotions are necessary, they give us context for positive emotions. Negative emotions are inescapable and, truly, a valuable part of our lives. 

If we didn't understand sadness, we wouldn't understand happiness. We have to have both. The human life was meant to be all of it. But there's a part of us that doesn't want to feel that negative emotion. We don't want to experience it. We don't think it's supposed to be there. We associate it with danger and all things bad. And so, we tell ourselves that it shouldn't be there, and we fantasize that somehow if life were different, there wouldn't be so much negative emotion. 

If life were different, it would be better. We would feel better. And we look to our external circumstances. It's an unfair fantasy that we tell ourselves that if only this hadn't happened, we would no longer be human. We would no longer have the human emotional experience. But we weren't meant to have a life free of loss, sadness, loneliness, overwhelm, fear, and anger. We were meant to have a life that includes all of those things. All of those things are part of living the human life. 

They would be part of living your human life even if your person was still living. Even if your person was still living, you would still have negative emotions. You would still have challenges. You would still have ups and downs. So, please consider the impact of this unfair fantasy. It's like we're driving down the highway, and we're looking for the off-ramp. We're like, I don't want to be human anymore. I don't want to have negative emotions anymore, so let me just find any off-ramp I can. 

And we look backward and blame our life's experience as the cause. So, please, stop believing that the story that you have, that your life would've been better if they hadn't died, is true. It's not. It wouldn't have. Your life would have been different. That's for sure, different, but it would not have been better. You would still be human. Your brain would still have a negativity bias built in. It would still want to focus on the gap instead of the gain. You would still experience the negative emotions. They would just be about different things in life. 

And I know that lots of people would agree with you when you say that your life would've been better if this wasn’t your journey- pretty much everyone in the infertility community. 

But what I want to offer you is that choosing to believe it, choosing to keep this fantasy, is not helping you. If we keep entertaining this unfair fantasy, then what we really do is tie ourselves to the past. We tie ourself to the pain and the suffering that we are experiencing now. It continues to grow and thrive in us.  

We guarantee that the pain, the suffering we are experiencing now will just continue to stay with us.  I don't want that for you. This is not the normal that you have settle for. So, the idea that your current suffering is caused by infertility or loss is really only true to the extent that you keep believing it. Are you with me? If you've been thinking this, you've not done anything wrong. At all. Again, I want to reiterate how incredibly normal this is. But I want you to consider giving yourself permission to put this thought down, to see it for what I believe it is, which is inaccurate and unfair to you. 

Inaccurate and unfair to the life that is in front of you. This is just the part of you talking that doesn't want to feel negative emotion. I have it too. We can love that part of ourselves. We can embrace what it really means to be human. We can stop assuming that the grass would have been greener because it doesn't help us. If you've listened this far and you still want to punch me in the face, it's okay. It's okay. I have thick skin. I can take it, and I probably would've said it myself at one point. 

But I really just want you to consider what if what I've told you is true? What if what I've told you is helpful? What if believing that your life would've been better if they hadn't died is actually making things harder for you instead of easier? What if believing that is actually taking you farther away from the life you want instead of moving you closer toward it? 

Again, as with everything I bring on the podcast you can choose it or not. There’s no wrong choice. If you’re not quite here, that’s totally understandable. I wasn’t there for a very long time. But I think even taking a moment to consider it as a possibility, will already open up your mind to alternatives, different ways of doing things. A different way to continue on this journey. 

So, that is what I have for you this week. Have a beautiful week and I will talk to you soon.