Welcome to IVF This, episode 64 Boundary Setting

Hello, hello, hello my beautiful friends. I hope you’re all doing so well!

I am doing so well, myself. And I am excited to talk with you all today about boundaries. Boundaries are one of my favorite things to discuss. I had the good fortune of being taught about boundaries very early in life and so it’s always kind of been a natural thing for me. 

I think those that know me well, would say that I do not have any trouble with the word “no.” In fact, one of my favorite quotes that has been attributed to so many people I can even keep it straight but I think the ACTUAL first person to say that was Author Anne Lamott, who is a writer, political activist, teacher- she’s all the things but she said- “No, is a complete sentence.” I feel like I have like seared that into my soul. 

Does that mean that I never justify, over-explain, accommodate? No absolutely not. But it is a fabulous reminder that you don’t owe anyone your time, your life, your happiness, or your peace. And that’s why I think that boundary work is some of the most important work that we can do. 

Now, before we deep dive into that, I want to remind you all that I still have mini sessions available. If you haven’t heard me talk about this, yet, it’s a complimentary coaching call that I offer. It’s 30 minutes of just straight coaching. You come with something specific that you would like some help with and we just get to work. Common topics that we cover are processing emotions, fear associated with starting a cycle, relationships, so many different things. But it’s 30 minutes for you. Now, if you want to learn more about working with me, we do that AFTER the 30 minutes, but there’s no requirement to have that conversation at all. I like to think of it as kind of this two fold thing 1) you’re getting help on something that you need, right now and 2) you can get an idea of what coaching is and, more specifically, how I coach. 

To schedule a mini session, there’s a couple of ways. You go to my website- www.ivfthiscoaching.com and select “work with me” or you can go to either my IG of FB bio, and there is a link there to schedule. 

Ok, so let’s get back to boundaries. Now, I always think boundaries are an important topic to cover but I have noticed a HUGE uptick in the cultural vernacular about boundaries and boundary setting over the last few years. Boundaries used to be like this dirty word that no one talked about or you really only heard it in a clinical setting, like if you were working with a mental health professional. But the topic has kind of exploded along with this idea of toxicity. And I think a lot of people kind of conflate the two and in it’s truest essence boundaries and boundary setting is really misunderstood. 

Boundaries come up in pretty much every aspect of your life; work, relationships, and of course during our infertility journey. Which is why boundary work is so very important because when you learn boundary setting, there’s not just ONE place that you can apply it. 

So, we’re going to talk a little about what boundaries are, what they aren’t and how to effectively set them. 

So the first thing that I want to cover is that in order to effectively set and maintain boundaries, you being in a good headspace, taking care of yourself is the vast majority of boundary setting. I would say 75-90% of boundary setting starts with how you see and value yourself. If you still have the running narrative that you are a piece of shit and that you deserve whatever you get, well, that’s going to make boundary setting and maintain, very difficult. 

The remaining 25’ish % relates to what MOST people associate with the term “boundaries.”

And that’s typically like the conversation you have with people establishing boundaries. Which is why taking care of yourself comes FIRST- because, I think you will find and what I have found is that when you do that to start, the less and less necessary the conversations are. 

And as importantly second, boundary setting is FOR you. Not for someone else. The way most people think about and how a lot of “influencers” blech, talk about boundaries, it actually does the opposite. It is much more about trying to control the other person’s behavior than loving and protecting yourself. The easiest description is the “I’m not going to let you talk to me like that.” This is actually a mechanism of control. We think it sounds like a boundary. But how are you not going to LET them do something? I’m assuming you’re referring to another grown-ass adult, right? They have the right to do anything that they want. 

Now, invariably, when I talk about this example I get the argument of “well, what if someone is mistreating me, harassing, or verbally abusing me- am I just supposed to let them? Am I just supposed to take it?” And the answer is unequivocally, “no”. Not at all, that’s not what I advocate for at all. 

So let’s talk about a boundary misconception like someone saying “I think I need to set a boundary bc this person is driving me crazy”- Now, I’m not going to say that it’s wrong to decide you need a boundary then. But what I want to add to it is you don’t have to be fed up to decide to set a boundary. And in fact when my client is really upset, and angry, and frustrated with that other person we always begin with cleaning up those emotions. The feelings have to come first.

Ideally boundaries are not set from anger, and angst, and irritation, and resentment. I’m not going to say never. There might be times when you just can’t get out of that. I’m just saying, in many cases it’s very available and way more effective for you to set a boundary from a more empowering emotion because the emotion of fear, anger, resentment, frustration is disempowering and it doesn’t feel very good. It’s not our most favorite way to feel. And when we set a boundary from those emotions we’re trying to control another person. 

So here’s what I find is the easiest to get to is instead of let’s say frustration and resentment we can get to compassion or even just confusion. The opposite of judgment in my opinion is compassion. 

Judgment says, “They shouldn’t do that. Don’t they know people don’t do that?” You shouldn’t lie to your sister. If I have a sister that’s lying to me that might be like you shouldn’t lie. You shouldn’t do that with kids. That’s not the right way to raise kids. You shouldn’t give money to that person who’s addicted to drugs, you shouldn’t, whatever it is. Our judgments, people shouldn’t do that, not really a very useful place to set a boundary from.

The beautiful part about boundaries is that you always get a choice. 

So, let’s do a pretty common example- the chronically late friend. Now you might have a lot of thoughts about what “lateness” means- that it’s disrespectful, that it shows a lack of organization, laziness, or time management, or that they don’t value your time. Right? There are a lot of stories that we tell ourselves around lateness- which is fine. But those stories are based in judgment. And judgment never feels good- it usually exacerbates anger or frustration, so there’s no real net positive with judgement. 

You can just decide I have a boundary that I wait this long for my friend and then if they doesn’t come I don’t wait around for them anymore. Or whatever boundary you want to set. And again maybe you communicate it to your friend but maybe not. Maybe you just go, “You weren’t there so I left, so sorry. I love you. I’m sad that you weren’t there but that’s just what I do. I don’t wait around longer than this amount of time.” 

So you don’t have to be angry to set a boundary. A boundary is just a decision that you make, about what you will do to ensure that you’re taking care of you. That’s it. What am I going to do? Because I can’t control all the people outside of me, so if somebody behaves in a way I don’t care for or they don’t behave in the way that I prefer they behave. What will I do that is legal, and moral, and ethical, and feels like maybe my highest self, that will allow me to still have as much as possible of what I want for myself and my life? That’s it. That’s a boundary. 

So let’s go to an example that I think most of us are VERY familiar with is the question, “Are you pregnant, yet?” or it’s often used counterpart after you have a child, “so when are you going to have another one?”

I know, just hearing those questions might boil your blood- there was a time, that was like something that would take my anger from zero to 90 in a second. Now, there is no “right” or “wrong way” to handle those types of invasive questions. I wouldn’t advocate for the throat punch but that is an option. 

But in terms of boundary setting, that could look something like, “I appreciate that you are curious but it is not something that I want to talk about right now.” And if it’s a relative or a really good friend, you can throw in more qualifiers if you want, “I appreciate that you care and are curious, but it’s a really tender topic for me and I would prefer it if we could talk about something else.” Now, you might be thinking. That’s all well and good, Em, if the person respects your boundary but what about if they keep prying either in that same conversation or in future conversations. I want you to hear me loud and clear- you do not owe anyone your peace. 

Women, traditionally, as socialized to tolerate the discomfort of invasive questions or inappropriate comments for the sake of other people’s comfort. And I call bullshit. 

Now, I’m not saying that is something you can’t do. You always have the choice. What I am inviting you to consider is that it is, in fact, a choice. The way we have been socialized, it does not feel like a choice. But it is. So, you set a boundary “hey, that’s not something I am going to talk about.” And then they keep pressing, another boundary could be, “look, you can ask me all the questions, or make any of the comments but that will not change the fact that this is something I am not comfortable talking about. If you continue to ask me, I am going to go talk with someone else, or I’m just going to walk away.”

I want you to see how different that is from “You shouldn’t ask people that.” 

There is so much less judgment. There is so much less resentment. There is so much less anger. 

It’s much more about how I am going to take care of myself int hat moment, and much less about not allowing someone to do something- which by all accounts is useless bc people are allowed to do anything that they want, even if it’s not behavior that you find acceptable. 

Ok, so if one of the biggest misconceptions around boundaries is that you have to be angry or emotional to set them. Then misconception #2 is that people should honor your boundary. Typically we create boundaries and have this belief that, well, it’s there, people need to respect that. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but RARELY does that happen that way. 

So if you’ve set that boundary then a lot of times my clients say, “Well, I set this boundary and they are not honoring it. Maybe they still show up late. They still ask invasive questions or make comments. You know whatever the boundary is around.” I’m like, “Yeah, that’s thier habit.” 

We should probably expect that people are at least some of the time going to keep doing what they’ve been doing. Hopefully if we share our request with them and we do it from compassion or at least confusion. 

Like, I don’t know why you do this, I’m a little confused by it but this is what I’m going to do. 

Hopefully their knowing that will influence them to try to monitor themselves. But we’re not going to count on that. We’re not going to100% expect that. I certainly don’t think you need to be angry, or frustrated, or disappointed if it doesn’t happen. You just need to uphold your boundary. 

So I know this sounds strange. It might sound strange to your head a little bit when I say don’t expect that people are going to do what you want them to do. But I find it to be so empowering. And I like to expect that they might do what I want them to do and they might not. And I’m going to choose how I want to feel. I don’t want to set myself up for frustration, and anger, and resentment, and disappointment because then the only person that is being punished, when I feel that, is me. I’m the ONLY one that suffers. They don’t suffer. They can’t feel my anger, resentment, or judgment, only I can.  

So when I expect that they might or they might not then I’m not taken off guard and I’m not super angry. I’m just like okay I kind of thought maybe that might happen. I hoped it wouldn’t but I knew it might. So this isn’t shocking. This isn’t front headline news. They tend to do this, that’s why I had to do this boundary work. So what do I do now? Yeah, I remove myself just like I said I would. Have a plan for what you’re going to do. Expect that if you haven’t been upholding that boundary it’s going to feel weird. 

So your friend is chronically 15-20 minutes late when you have planned meetups and you tell them, hey, I’ll wait around for a few minutes but after that I will either start doing what we said we were gonna do or I’m going to leave. The first time you set that boundary, it’s gonna feel weird. And they’re going to be like, “What?” They might be mad even. They might get really mad at you. But listen, what’s the alternative? You allow people to do what they want at your own expense and then you’re mad at you and you’re mad at them. Or you take care of yourself and you honor yourself. And you do your work to know that you don’t have to be mad at them. Remember, we’re going to be compassionate or at least confused. 

And thier emotions about you are up to them to manage. And it can be, “I’m so sorry, I love you. I don’t want you to be mad. I hope you’re not mad.” But in the end if they want to be mad it’s up to them. Are you with me? So this sort of got ahead of myself and bled into number three a little but I’ll just expand on it. The number three – so misconception number one was that you’ve got to be fed up to set a boundary. Number two was that other people should honor the boundary. 

And then number three was that I should be really mad if they don’t honor it. See how I got ahead of myself? But listen, you really don’t have to be. I promise you that other people you guys, they have good reasons for what they do, just like we have good reasons for what we do. And I really do think that everyone’s doing the best they can it’s just sometimes our best is really bad. It’s true. So that person doesn’t know better. They don’t know how to do better or just in that moment they weren’t capable of doing better or they don’t think they’re doing anything wrong in the first place. 

So we don’t have to be mad because if being mad controlled them, if it made us more influential in getting them to behave how we want then I might be a fan. But I haven’t found that to be the case. In fact I’ve found it to be the opposite. I’ve found that it only pushes people further away and makes them more committed to their side and we become more committed to ours and we create even more drama and more problem. So you don’t have to be mad. 

It can be something like, “You’re upset, you’re mad. I completely understand. I love you. I’m not doing this to punish you. I’m doing this to take care of me.”

That can be what it sounds like and what it looks like. It’s so much more fun, not just fun though, these aren’t fun situations. That’s not the right word. Just so much more peaceful, so much more empowering to stay calm in a situation like this. Okay, let’s talk about number four. This one, are you ready? 

The number four and this is the final misconception then we’ll talk about the conversation. The final misconception I want to talk to you about is that a lot of people think, well, it’s just going to make my life so much easier to have boundaries. Be careful because it will make your life better. It is the more empowering, more mature, more in control of your own reality way to live but it’s not necessarily easier especially in the beginning. It will in fact be harder. 

And I want you to know that because when it feels hard I hope that you’ll hear me in your head and you’ll go, “Yeah, Jody told me this was going to be harder at first. And it’s not going to feel like it’s making my life easier necessarily because my brain’s going to go, “This is so hard. You know what? It’s not a big deal. We should just say yes. We should just deal with it. We should just let this person be late. It’s just so uncomfortable.”” Your brain’s going to try to talk you out of it. 

I’m telling you that might give you relief in that moment but it’s the long term pain of the resentment, and the lack of authenticity, and the lack of control in your own life that is not worth it. Even though in some ways it will make your life harder, in the beginning it’s a 100% worth it. It’s the discomfort of being empowered and taking responsibility for your emotions, and your relationships, and your wellbeing versus the discomfort of being a victim, and resenting, and blaming, and trying to control other people. I would choose the former all day long. 

I would choose the discomfort of empowered, confident, driving my life versus the other. So it will feel harder in the beginning. That’s okay, you can do it. Come on in and let me coach you through it if you want. It’ll be much easier if I can go through it with you and help you get set up. I talked about mini-sessions at the start of this episode and this would be a perfect opportunity during a mini-session.  

Ok, so that is what I have for you today. 

I hope you have a beautiful week and I will talk to you soon!