Hello, hello, hello my beautiful friends. I’m so happy to talk with you all today. I mean, I’m always excited to talk with you all, and today is absolutely no different. 

I have some exciting things coming on the podcast. I have a few great interviews coming up, we’re going to be honoring National Infertility Awareness week, which is April 24-30th, and of course, more coaching content on things like grief, I’m going to do a bit more myth-busting, and of course more coaching content. 

I think I have offered this before, but if there is a topic that you would love for me to talk about, maybe something that you’re struggling with, questions that you have for me, anything, you can email me at hello@ivfthiscoaching.com or DM me on my socials @ivfthiscoaching.com. 

I would love to hear from you and ideas on how to best serve you all, because that’s what this is for!

So, today, we’re going to be talking about two theories that I talk about in my practice. I did not develop these theories, but I refer to them a lot with my clients and I’ve seen an increase in talking about them to my clients and so I thought I would share with you all today. 

And then there is a parable that I have really been holding onto tightly, personally, that I think all of us could benefit from. 

Ok, so lezzz go!

The two theories that we’re going to talk about today are the spoon theory and the fork theory- all cutlery today on IVF this. I don’t believe the parable has any utensil related references so it might just stop here, but we will have some fun while it lasts. 

So the spoon theory- this was a theory that was first published by author Christine Miserandino in a 2003 essay, of the same name. You don’t have to read the essay but I would encourage you to. Christine has a chronic illness, Lupus, and that’s what she based the spoon theory on, but this is applicable to anyone with chronic illness, for us that might be PCOS, endometriosis, anxiety/ depression, but that doesn’t mean it belongs EXCLUSIVELY to those groups. If the theory really resonates with you, don’t be deterred from it simply because you don’t tick one of those boxes. 

The Spoon theory is more like a metaphor that is used to describe the amount of physical or mental energy a person has available for daily activities and tasks. SO the example that Christine provides in the essay is that she was out to eat with her friends, and was taking her medications. One of her friends asked her what was it like to have Lupus. So she gathered a handful of spoons, laid them out on the table and explained it this way, by the way this is not verbatim this is the Emily summary: It’s like everyone is given the same allotment of spoons every day, say 12. So, everyone starts their day with 12 spoons. Now, for some people, those without chronic illness, fatigue, etc it might take 1 spoon to get out of bed, take a shower, and eat breakfast. For someone that does experience chronic illness it might take them 4 spoons to do that same things. And then each person goes through their day, handing off spoons based on various activities, and someone with chronic illness will go through their spoons faster. The spoons are not better or worse than anyone else’s spoons but when you’re dealing with a chronic issue or illness, you might go through your spoons faster. And think of going through your spoons as hitting the wall. When you absolutely cannot do anything more. Eating, let alone making dinner, is off the table. Maybe you get home, or if you WFH, you finish work and you just crawl on the coach and distract yourself with mindless TV, you might need a nap, or something like that. 

Let me tell you what the spoon theory is NOT, it is not based on an inherent belief that using more spoons than other people to do the same task is a character defect. Because it’s not. It’s not a reflection of you. It’s not a compare and despair sort of a situation. It’s a question of math. In my house, my husband is one of those one spoon per multiple task people. Dude operates like he’s got his own energizer battery the vast majority of the time- everyone has down time. For me, there are days when I can be very productive and efficient and then there are days where I have to take a nap, the laundry stays in the dryer a couple of days, dinner is like a Peanut butter and jelly and most nights I’m in bed by 8 and asleep by 9. 

In male bodies, testosterone is released at a relatively stable frequency- now this is a VERY rudimentary version. I am under no illusion that there are much more highly qualified people to speak on this subject but I’m going to give you an Emily version here. This is not the case for women’s bodies. We get estrogen peaks and vallies, we get testosterone peaks and vallies. 

This causes significant energy highs and lows during a woman’s normal cycle. This is naturally occurring- or if you’re on hormone therapy. So if you’re looking at your male partner and wonder why they don’t seem to experience those energy ebbs and flows, that is a really big reason. It’s not the only reason, again, referring to chronic illness or conditions, and also there might be hormonal imbalances as well but that a big part of why.

I have this lovely client, well, I think all my clients are delightful and lovely, but this particular one we were talking about spoon theory a few weeks ago and she was familiar with it and talked about when she performs, she’s a signer and performs on a live-streaming platform a couple of times a week, and she joked about how some of the moderators who assist her during her streams, they’re all familiar with spoon theory and they will send each other spoon emoji’s when they’ve spent their last spoon, just a like “yea, I’m done now, LOL”. And I love that so much and that was actually one of the big reasons why I wanted to share spoon theory with you all. Because I believe, just like with all of the coaching content that I talk about, when we are able to depersonalize things that we have historically personalized, we are able to show ourselves more compassion. Running out of spoons doesn’t have to mean, “you’re a lzy piece of crap” I mena you can certainly make it mean that. You can make it mean a lot of things. But it doesn’t HAVE to. It’s totally optional. 

I could even compare my first round of IVF with my last round of IVF. It took a lot more spoons for me to get through my day during that first cycle, than it did this last one. Now that could be because I knew what to expect, which I think accounts for a lot of the mental toll we exert, we give up more spoons to the mental energy when we are trying to control, or plan, or overthink situations. And that was 100% me during our first round of IVF. There is also something to be said about having found thought work shortly after or around that time, so having another 4-5 years doing that before I started our last cycle. 

For all of those reasons, man, I was burning through spoons during that round. This last round, in May of 2021, was not the case. The mental load, was just not the same. The stakes were the same, the risk was the same, but I was able to manage it in such a different way. 

Same goes from our transfer in August 2020, which failed, and our transfer in July 2021- the mental load, the spoon divvy was very different. And a lot of that had to do with not making it mean anything, if I was not showing up, balls to the wall, every single day. I love the phrase, do your best everyday but know that your best will look different from day-to-day. And that is spoons all over. Some days you have a spoon or two to spare by bedtime, sometimes, all them spoons are gone by 9am. Neither is better, it just is. 

So this leads us into the fork theory. Which is similar to spoons, not just in silverware terms, but this theory which was first published by author Jen Rose on her tumbler account in 2018 is the corollary to spoon theory. It works off that old saying, “stick a form in me, I’m done.”

This theory says that everyone has a Fork Limit. Allow me to explain, throughout the day, everyone has forks stuck in them. Big forks and little forks. You and your partner have a spat first thing in the morning, that’s a fork. You suddenly get a project laid on you at work, or you have to cover for someone, that’s a fork. And unexpected bill, that’s a fork. Receiving a call from your clinic or having to go to the clinic for testing or something, that’s a fork. If you’re in the middle of a cycle, the havoc some of those meds can wreak on your body, that’s a fork. Annoyances, inconveniences, disappointments, all forks. This is from Jen Rose “There are lots of different sizes of forks, and volume vs. quantity means that the fork limit is not absolute.  I might be able to deal with 20 tiny little escargot fork annoyances, such as a hangnail or slightly suboptimal pants, but not even one “you poked my trigger on purpose because you think it’s fun to see me melt down” pitchfork.”

The author also talks about how this is really relevant with neurodivergent folks, like me and my ADHD self. I can handle the TV on, but not the TV AND a conversation- there’s too many competing noises and I can get overstimulated. My husband can have TV on in the background, watching a video on his phone, have music also in the background and want to have a conversation. Like I feel overstimulated just talking about that- but those aren’t forks to him. Something not working the way he expects or thinks it should work? That’s pitchfork material. Right, everyone has different fork values and everyone has a different fork limit. The fork limit is the “I’m done” moment. The moment when you might blow up or shut down. Everyone has one. What you are managing in your life, will often dictate your fork limit. But your fork limit, again, is not a character defect. Just like the example I gave about my husband and myself- there is no superiority one of us being able to handle competing noises better than the other. Just like there is no superiority in the different ways the two of us manage minor annoyances. It's just different. And the forks are going to look different from day to day. And that’s ok. They’re supposed to. 

One of the things I love about these two “theories”- right as you can tell these are not based in cognitive science- don’t go looking for the peer reviewed journal articles. They are ways in which we help each other make sense of broad concepts. But one of the many off-shoots of this is that someone came up with the corollary of the spoon and fork theories, called the “dish” theory which is this idea of “load baring supports” Which is things that help in cases of lack of spoons or things that protect us from being stuck by forks. In a very meta way, the spoon and fork theories are a load baring support in and of themselves- now other load baring supports could be counseling, coaching

Again, when we don’t personalize these things it is so much easier to access compassion. 

When we have words for things, it is easier for us to cope. 

And that’s the power of things like this.

Ok, so we’ve had our two theories. Now the parable. It is the Parable of the Trapeze.

This parable was written by Danaan Perry, who was a nuclear physicist turned humanitarian. 

This is from the book Warrior os the Heart and I will read the parable verbatim.

Sometimes I feel that my life is a series of trapeze swings. I'm either hanging on to a trapeze bar swinging along or, for a few moments in my life, I'm hurtling across space in between trapeze bars.

Most of the time, I spend my life hanging on for dear life to my trapeze-bar-of-the-moment. It carries me along at a certain steady rate of swing and I have the feeling that I'm in control of my life.

I know most of the right questions and even some of the answers.

But every once in a while as I'm merrily (or even not-so-merrily) swinging along, I look out ahead of me into the distance and what do I see? I see another trapeze bar swinging toward me. It's empty and I know, in that place in me that knows, that this new trapeze bar has my name on it. It is my next step, my growth, my aliveness coming to get me. In my heart of hearts I know that, for me to grow, I must release my grip on this present, well-known bar and move to the new one.

Each time it happens to me I hope (no, I pray) that I won't have to let go of my old bar completely before I grab the new one. But in my knowing place, I know that I must totally release my grasp on my old bar and, for some moment in time, I must hurtle across space before I can grab onto the new bar.

Each time, I am filled with terror. It doesn't matter that in all my previous hurtles across the void of unknowing I have always made it. I am each time afraid that I will miss, that I will be crushed on unseen rocks in the bottomless chasm between bars. I do it anyway. Perhaps this is the essence of what the mystics call the faith experience. No guarantees, no net, no insurance policy, but you do it anyway because somehow to keep hanging on to that old bar is no longer on the list of alternatives. So, for an eternity that can last a microsecond or a thousand lifetimes, I soar across the dark void of "the past is gone, the future is not yet here."

It's called "transition." I have come to believe that this transition is the only place that real change occurs. I mean real change, not the pseudo-change that only lasts until the next time my old buttons get punched.

I have noticed that, in our culture, this transition zone is looked upon as a "no-thing," a noplace between places. Sure, the old trapeze bar was real, and that new one coming toward me, I hope that's real, too. But the void in between? Is that just a scary, confusing, disorienting nowhere that must be gotten through as fast and as unconsciously as possible?

NO! What a wasted opportunity that would be. I have a sneaking suspicion that the transition zone is the only real thing and the bars are illusions we dream up to avoid the void where the real change, the real growth, occurs for us. Whether or not my hunch is true, it remains that the transition zones in our lives are incredibly rich places. They should be honored, even savored. Yes, with all the pain and fear and feelings of being out of control that can (but not necessarily) accompany transitions, they are still the most alive, most growth-filled, passionate, expansive moments in our lives.

So, transformation of fear may have nothing to do with making fear go away, but rather with giving ourselves permission to "hang out" in the transition between trapezes. Transforming our need to grab that new bar, any bar, is allowing ourselves to dwell in the only place where change really happens. It can be terrifying. It can also be enlightening in the true sense of the word. Hurtling through the void, we just may learn how to fly.

I love this parable so much because there are so many times in our lives where that other trapeze comes flying in. Right? Even just within the context of our of our journeys. Were on the trapeze of TTC and not having any success yet. Then the trapeze of fertility treatments comes in- it’s a terrifying leap. Then you get on the trapeze of fertility treatments. And it goes a few different ways. You have success and then you jump on the next terrifying trapeze of motherhood. Or you don’t have success and you jump on the terrifying trapeze of childless not by choice, surrogacy, or adoption. These are allllll terrifying endeavors. Let is not sugar coat this. Life is a series of these and our journey is no different. 

I’m about to jump on a new trapeze. And I am terrified. I am excited. I am hopeful, I am grateful AND I am terrified. Our emotions are not monoliths. We can feel more than 1 emotion at a time. Cognitive dissonance is real. We can hold opposing feelings and thoughts, simultaneously. 

You might be taking a step out into something and feel terrified and excited. That’s perfect! That’s how it’s supposed to be. 

We’re supposed to feel all the feelings. Were supposed to only have a certain allotment of spoons. We’re supposed to have a fork limit. There is nothing wrong with you. You are perfect and whole, in all of your feelings, with or without your spoons, and with all of the different sizes and shapes of forks and varying fork limits. 

You’re perfect.

Ok, my beautiful friends, that is what I have for you today. 

Have a wonderful week and I will talk to you again, soon.