Hello, hello, hello, my beautiful friends. I hope you’re all doing well. 

It’s full blown allergy season in Texas so I probably sound like I have cotton up my nose and like I’ve just finished a 5K run- I promise, I’m not running, I just can’t breathe. 

But alas, we have a podcast to record!!

So, today, I’m going to go in depth around the framework that I use in my coaching practice. 

This cycle was seriously the thing that changed my entire life. Understanding how thoughts, impact feelings, and how feelings drive the things you do or the actions you take- was mind-blowing. 

Before we start down that route, I want to pause for some listener love.

This comes from user Caitlinlu- the title is A Godsend for Women dealing with infertility-

“Infertility is one of the hardest experiences a person can go through. Emily’s podcast is full of empathetic, spot-on advice for surviving it. These episodes are broken down into bite-size actionable chunks so you can start implementing these tools and hopefully start to feel a little better right away. I wish it existed the first time I went through IVF, I cannot recommend it enough! Thank you so much Emily for this amazing contribution and Good Luck to everyone out there waiting to grow their families !”

Thank you so much for taking the time to rate and review the podcast. And I completely echo your sign-off- Good luck to each and every one of you out there waiting to grow their families. I think that’s such a lovely sign off for our beautiful community. 

I also, I’m not going to lie, I love reading comments just because this is why I do this, to know that it makes a difference in your life, that it helps you sometimes just get through the day or that you learn something from the podcast that maybe you felt less alone just makes it all worthwhile for me because it is a labor of love and your feedback just really helps keep me motivated and going. 

Alright, let’s go ahead and jump into today’s topic; the thought-feeling- action connection. Did you know that there is a connection between the thoughts you think, the feelings you feel, and the actions you do or don’t take? 

I didn’t know this for a really long time. I think maybe I understood conceptually that there were connections, but I didn’t really understand the true nature of those connections. I was a student of psychology, that’s a lot of what social work is based in, so I was very familiar with the concepts. I understood the classic CBT understanding of thoughts creating feelings, and feelings driving actions- that like the backbone of CBT. But I think this was a case of intellectually understanding something and really, like to your bones getting it. I didn’t understand the causal connection between my thoughts, my feelings, and my actions. In other words, until my coach broke it down for me, which is why I’m going to break it down for you, I did not understand how powerful I was. How powerful my brain is. 

I did not understand why sometime is felt motivated and other times I didn’t. I didn’t understand why sometimes I felt insecure and sometimes I felt confident, and why sometimes I would do the things that I wanted to do, and sometimes I just couldn’t seem to figure out how to get myself to do the things that I wanted to do- like exercise or something like that. 

And I think this is really information we should all have, especially on an infertility journey because now things feel probably more confusing than ever, more overwhelming than ever. You probably find yourself feeling more frustrated than ever, more doubtful than ever. And there are probably all sorts of things that you either want to do that you haven’t figured out how to get yourself to do, or you wish you could do but maybe you don’t think you’re capable of doing. 

And so I want to break this down for you step by step. Later, I will probably teach you the rest of the story, which is a full tool that I teach all of my clients. I believe it’s the secret to the universe. I strongly believe that the better you understand this connection, #1 the more compassionate you are with yourself and others (which is a game changer in and of itself), but also it teaches you a level of awareness around yours and other peoples actions that is honestly quite invaluable. I used to be so reactive to other people, And lets be clear, I’m not perfect this still happens but to such a lesser extent. I used to get trapped in overwhelm very easily. That black and white thinking I’ve talked about on the pod before, yea that took up most of my time. 

What I’m referring to right now is the self-coaching model- and I will teach that in a future episode. Right now, I just want to you start opening your mind up to the think-feel-do cycle and notice how it plays out. We have to create a lot of awareness around things before we can really start implementing other stuff. 

So here’s the basics. Then I’m going to give you some examples. Then I’m going to give you some homework. 

The basics are that thoughts cause feelings, not things that happen to us in the world, but our thoughts about them. Our thoughts are what cause our emotions. And emotions, feelings, are what fuel us to do things, or to not do things. They are all connected. One causes the other. 

So it’s a connection we want to understand so that we can start looking for how it’s playing out in our lives. So your thoughts cause your feelings. Your feelings drive your actions, or your inactions. What you think creates how you feel and how you feel determines what you do. It really is that simple. 

So let me give you some examples specifically that I have talked through with my clients or that you might relate to during infertility. You have a bunch of your sharps, needles, and used up medication boxes from your last IVF cycle. You are taking a break for a bit but still haven’t cleaned that part out and you’re not sure why. It’s not as if you will be reusing it but you just kind of hold on to it. Why? Because of a feeling. 

So what are potential feelings? Maybe you feel like a “failure” that’s a feeling- a really uncomfortable feeling. Maybe it’s tied to a feeling of longing- like, that was “my chance” type of longing. Both of those are incredibly painful and uncomfortable feelings. Maybe you feel weak, that’s another crappy feeling to feel. Maybe you’re telling yourself “I can’t handle throwing it away.” That comes up a lot. Like if you throw it away it kind of means that youre throwing away or “walking away” from it all. 

All of these feelings, again, feel terrible. So the action, or rather in action, is for you to do nothing. Because, and this is INCREDIBLY important, you will never be able to create sustained positive action from a negative feeling. That’s just not how this works. So we get caught in this negative spin cycle of feeling and inaction and then comes the judgement which has it’s own think-feel-do and we just keep perpetuating this cycle. 

Now, conversely, if you believed that you were strong enough to handle this and more, then that thought would create a different feeling, perhaps strong. And because feelings are what drive us as humans to do things, they’re what fuel our behavior, if you’re feeling strong, you would be much more likely to go about the work of making decisions about your cleaning out your old supplies, or whatever next steps in your journey you wanted to take. 

Another one might be That you believe that you won’t be happy until you have your BFP or bring home your baby- this one is so incredibly common. So let’s say that a thought like this creates a feeling like despair or hopelessness. So when you feel that way, you might be more inclined to self-isolate, to indulge in a victim-mentality (again this isnt’ a call out, this is how our brains work), or maybe, because of this belief, you start to seeing your world through this lens of despair and hopelessness, ruminating on all the other things in your life that feel hopeless. Our brains do a fantastic job of generalizing things. So when we hold onto a belief about this one thing feeling hopeless, our brains automatically extrapolate that to mean that everything in our life (or most everything) feels hopeless. 

How about an example outside of infertility?

let’s say you want to apply for a promotion or ask for a raise. Maybe that’s something you’ve been thinking about doing. That’s an action you would like to take, but you haven’t been able to make yourself do it yet. Maybe you’ve been nervous, hesitant. That’s a feeling. If you’re nervous or hesitant, you’re probably not going to take the action that you want to take. 

Why would you be nervous or hesitant? Well, thoughts cause feelings, so maybe you’re thinking something like, I’m not qualified, or they might not give it to me, or they might tell me no. So those thoughts would cause, you, any human, most likely, to feel nervous or hesitant and then the action that we take is actually inaction. 

We don’t put ourselves out there. We don’t ask for the raise. We don’t apply for the promotion or the new job. But what if you believed instead the thought that you were qualified or that you’re capable of learning. Then those thoughts would create different feelings. Maybe you would be feeling determined, or maybe qualified. And from those emotions, you would take different actions. You would ask for the raise. You’d apply for the promotion, the new job. 

So what is it in your life? What is the action that you’re taking that you don’t understand why you’re doing it? What is the action that you want to take that you haven’t taken? Pick something. What is some action that you would like to change? 

For me, one thing that I have been thinking about is once I have this baby is losing the baby weight. This is my third kiddo, I have gained weight, I have previously gained weight with the other pregnancies, and I have always lost my pregnancy weight. 

But there is something about this pregnancy and weight loss associated following the pregnancy that I just have a LOT of thoughts about. 

Thoughts like, “It’s going to be harder this time. I’m older. I didn’t stay as active during this one bc I was really sick for a lot of it.” 

I bet you can imagine what those thoughts are creating for me? When I think the thought, It’s going to be hard, then I feel a sense of dread. When I feel dread, then the action that I take is complete inaction. I don’t reach out for support. I don’t commit to my goal. I can almost talk myself out of what I want just based on that feeling of dread. 

So as long as I keep choosing these thoughts, it will be hard, it will seem impossible and I’m not going to create the emotion that would fuel the action that I want to take. I’m going to have to change the story that I’m telling myself if I want to generate a different emotion. 

Now, I used to think that if I didn’t feel motivated to do something that there was nothing I could do about it. If I wasn’t feeling creative, which is a feeling, that there was nothing I could do about it, that I would have to just wait for emotions to float down the river, like just appear magically in my body, and until they did, well, I guess today is not the day. I’m just worried about it so I guess there’s really nothing I can do. I’m feeling unmotivated, so I guess I’ll just start tomorrow. 

Not true. We can create feelings at will. We can use our brain, the most powerful instrument I’m aware of, to generate the emotions we want to feel to fuel the action we want to take. So I can change what’s going on in my brain by consciously choosing to think, I have a proven track record of losing baby weight. I’m willing for it to be uncomfortable so that I can, again, feel more comfortable in my body. I’m willing for it to be awkward. I’m willing for it to be hard. 

And then the emotions I feel are so different than worried. Now I’m feeling willing and open and inspired. And from that place, I can take the action of committing to this goal that I have to lose weight. I can take the action necessary for meal planning, attending coaching calls, daily movement, and all of the things that I have done previously. 

None of that is outside of me. And when I know how to make my brain work for me in that way, to create any emotion that I want to feel, then I can do it whenever I want, and that’s what I want for you. So what is it that you want to change? How do you need to feel to do that thing? And what do you need to believe to create that feeling for yourself? 

You can absolutely do that. Now, it’s a little more nuanced than that sometimes. Sometimes we can’t go to the thought that generates the emotion right in the moment because maybe we just don’t believe it yet, and that’s okay. That’s one of the reasons I coach all the time, because I help people do that, help them figure out how to believe new things. 

But before you can ever believe new things, first you need to understand why you would even want to do that. Because nobody is teaching that we can create emotions at will. Nobody’s teaching how powerful our brain is. Nobody’s teaching that it is unnecessary for us to feel powerless or frustrated or for us to be confused about why we aren’t taking the actions that we want to take. 

It’s actually quite simple. We think a thought, it creates a feeling, and the feeling fuels an action or an inaction. I’ll give you one more, because a lot of widows are asking me about dating. But here’s what I hear a lot. I hear this thought, “I’m never going to be a mom.” 

Okay, if that’s your thought, think it now, all the good ones are taken. What’s the emotion that thought, the feeling that thought creates in your body? Probably hopeless, resigned, certain. I’m never going to be a mom, now I feel hopeless. 

Well, what do I do when I feel hopeless as it relates to infertility? Well a lot that is what is happening in your brain. The “do” can also be more thoughts or internal actions- not just physical actions. So something you might “do” with that thought is sit and ruminate on how long you’ve been on this journey, how terrible it is, how “easy it is for so many others,” how the universe is trying to tell you something about your worthiness- all the BS. Those are actions that you’re taking -even though they are still thoughts- that is what I mean when I say it can be more nuanced. An action you might take is to spend a ton of time in infertility FB groups, or scour the internet “researching”.

Now, I’ve talked before about how I think that FB groups and google can be an invaluable resource to us, but they can also be very poisonous. And this is the example that I often offer, because of our brains built in negativity bias, which I have a whole episode dedicated to that if you want to check that out, because we have this negativity bias, we could find people with the exact same story as us (or ya know close enough) and lets say we find 100 people with a nearly identical story and 99 of them have had success and 1 of them did not. Which one do you think you are going to give more weight to? THAT’S RIGHT?!?!? That ONE story. That is how our brains are wired. It’s not a character defect, it’s just how our brains work. 

So we’ve got this rumination, we’ve got throwing ourselves into forums, groups, and research which is essentially just creating confirmation bias based on the original thought “I will never be a mom”. 

That is what that will create- more of the same. That one thought, creates that one feeling, which drives ALLL of that action and inaction. 

SO when we tell ourselves things like this, we need to understand the feeling that it’s creating, the emotional impact of that thought that we may or may not realize that we are choosing to think and then seeing how that feeling is fueling our actions. 

What if, instead of “I’ll never be a mom,” you actually believed, “One day I will be a mom,” or if that’s too far-fetched try “One day its possible I will be a mom”- that’s not quite as much a reach, right?

I bet you wouldn’t feel so hopeless. Not that you HAVE to feel hopeful, but maybe more curious. I wonder if we tried this, if that would work? Maybe it might make you feel willing- which, again is an emotion and it can be part of a thought, “I am willing to see if this works.”

You don’t have to try to make the pendulum swing from “I’m never gonna get this” to “this is a guarantee”- your brain probably wouldn’t accept that. So we have to start a little bit closer to the original thought- it’s a process called the thought ladder, and again, I have an episode on it that you can check out if you’re interested. 

Again, all of our thoughts create all of our feelings, so we don’t need someone else to think our thoughts. But just consider, what is it that you want to accomplish, what is the action you want to take or what is that action you’re taking, you don’t really understand it, why are you doing it? 

And then just reverse-engineer. What am I feeling that has me doing or not doing this action and what am I thinking that’s creating that feeling for me? And if I wanted it to be different, I probably have to be thinking and feeling something different than what I’m thinking and feeling now. And since they’re all connected and since it’s something you can control, play with it a little bit. 

Alright, good fun. We’re going to use this a lot so get used to this whole thought-feeling-action connection. You are so much more powerful than you think you are, I promise you that.

And, even if you don’t remember that, I will always be here to remind you. 

Alright my beautiful friends. Have a great week and I will talk to you soon!