Welcome to IVF This, Episode 6- Infertility Trauma part 2- What’s next?

Hello my loves and welcome back to the Podcast. I am recording this right before I take a few days off. I’ve been pretty go-go-go over the last several months, getting my business officially launched and getting this podcast off the ground so I am ready for a little downtime with all my guys. We don’t really have anything planned, more like a staycation, but I’m so excited!

I hope you are all doing so well. 

Now, this is the second of my two-parter on infertility trauma, so if you haven’t listened Episode 5 yet , stop this one and listen to that one first. I think the most fundamental disservices we do to ourselves, during infertility, is to not recognize or acknowledge our trauma. Most of us are not aware that what we have experienced or are experiencing is trauma, which is why I spent an entire episode breaking it down. So, if you haven’t done it already, go check out episode 5 first and then come back here. 

Since we are talking about something as important as trauma I would be completely remiss if I did not call out a VERY important caveat on this topic. If you are someone that is not functioning- if you cannot get out of bed, take care of your basic needs (eating, bathing, changing your clothes), if you can’t go to work, or you’re crying uncontrollably, or, most importantly you are having thoughts about harming yourself or someone else- stop this podcast right now and call your doctor. It can be your primary care or general practitioner or your OB-Gyn, or 911 but this is not the podcast episode for you until you can get back to a basic level of functioning. Work with your doctor and find a mental health profession (psychologist, clinical social worker, LPC or LMFT) to help you get back to functioning. If that is you, I love you and you’re not alone, and reach out right now. 

I want to make sure there are a few takeaways from the last episode to remind you: The first is that trauma responses are NORMAL responses to ABNORMAL events. There is nothing wrong with you. Your brain and body are trying to make sense of the incomprehensible. That’s why trauma responses are involuntary. It’s a very instinctive thing that your brain and body do to protect you. You didn’t do anything wrong. This is what the brain does when it is exposed to trauma. It means you have a human brain!!

The second thing is that trauma is very individual. It’s very person specific. That’s why there is no objective measures for what qualifies or doesn’t qualify for trauma. No one can tell you what you have experienced is not trauma. Well, I mean they can because anyone can say anything, but it doesn’t make it true just because they said it. If it’s true for you, then it’s true for you. Full stop. 

And the third thing is that trauma changes your perception. Your perception of yourself and your perception of the world. That’s just what trauma does. Trauma is the unexpected, the uncontrollable, the unpredictable, and the unchangeable. Once trauma has happened in our lives, we cannot go back and change it. The timeline of our existence is permanently impacted, and that impact has an effect on how we see the world. But it doesn’t mean that life has to stop there, of that it has to stay there. We do get better. And that’s what I am going to talk about today. 

Ok, So the first thing I want to talk about is the: The importance of acknowledging and naming trauma

Author Karen Gross says of Trauma, “If you cannot name it, you cannot tame it. And if you cannot tame it, you cannot frame it.” I think this is a beautiful phrase for the importance of acknowledging, naming, and owning our infertility trauma. I talked in the previous episode about how many of us don’t equate our infertility and IVF experience as “trauma”. I didn’t. For years. I experienced several symptoms related to trauma, but it wasn’t until the last few years that I really “named” it that. That I saw it for what it really was. 

This is so incredibly common! We have a very sensationalized view of trauma that has been curated by the media, and film and television industry. That is the typical lens through which we view trauma. How we perceive trauma. But trauma is often more insidious than that. It’s less in-your-face than that. That’s one of the big reasons it can be so difficult to recognize your own trauma. The compounded trauma of infertility doesn’t often scream in your face “I’m trauma.” Now, I’m not saying there aren’t some horrific cases that I have heard from women all around the world- unspeakable circumstances of loss and complications, medical errors leading to infertility- they are out there, and they will bring you to your knees. Those are the thing we give ourselves permission to believe is trauma. Those are the things we can accept as trauma. 

So why not the other? Why not the accumulation of the trauma we experience over YEARS of infertility? Why don’t we let ourselves believe or acknowledge the trauma? I think there are a couple of reasons. 

1. It is hard to recognize compounded trauma or trauma responses when you’re the one in the middle of it. A big component of compounded trauma is that, at some point in the journey, you begin to believe the lie that your behaviors and feelings are just what you can expect on this journey. That it’s just who you are now- this isn’t true. The anger, sadness, hopelessness, agitation, anxiety, fear- all of it, those are trauma responses. They are an involuntary protective mechanism, created by your brain, to try to keep you safe. You can’t see the forest for the trees. When I think back when I was in the depths of my infertility trauma, it was like I had fallen into a hole. A hole that was deep, there was no light, I couldn’t discern the walls from the floor from the sky above me. My brain told me there was NO sky above me- that it was all dark. But that is the lie. There is a sky above us. There is light, we just have to know what direction to look. 

2. No one WANTS to admit they are experiencing or have experienced trauma. There is certainly much more awareness over the past decade than ever before, but it still has a lot of stigma attached to it. Admitting you have experienced trauma can be one of the hardest admissions of your life. Sometimes we tell ourselves that what we experienced wasn’t trauma. Or maybe that by acknowledging trauma we make it mean that we didn’t cope well enough. Sometimes people believe that they deserve what they have experienced- victims to their experience. Believing themselves to be weak or broken. Sometimes, admitting trauma means that they will have to look at themselves. The denial of trauma absolves you of any responsibility or ownership over your feelings and actions. It is much easier to look at the things outside of us and the role they play in our lives.

Where do you go next with your trauma? Upon learning about compounded trauma, my clients will ask the question of “how do I move forward?” That question is what I live and breathe for.

The beginning of their healing starts with the tiniest of baby-steps: coming to realize that they might actually be traumatized, and that the world may not be the dark, fearful, overwhelming and dread-filled place we had always assumed it had to be. 

That’s the first step: Awareness. 

We have to name it! 

Call our trauma into the light. By acknowledging the experience, and calling it what it is, you can start to understand how and how much your trauma responses drive your thinking. Again, I cannot say this enough these are NORMAL reactions to ABNORMAL circumstances. 

I’m going to offer a few other things as well:

1. Mindfulness

1. Breath Work

2. Journaling

3. Meditation

4. Allowing your feelings. I will go into this in-depth in future episodes but this is such an important aspect to healing. Allow yourself the space and compassion to feel whatever comes up. We are so eager to push away uncomfortable feelings, trying to force ourselves to feel better. Your body will tell you what it needs, it’s pretty remarkable that way. Listen to your body. Allow your yourself to feel your feelings. 

1. Self-care

1. Don’t isolate- It is a very normal response to trauma, but it can make it worse. There is a difference between alone time and isolation. I think taking time for yourself is part of self-care but isolation is not. An important aspect of not isolating that I want to highlight is that you don’t have to talk about your trauma, if you don’t want to. Just dn’t be alone SO much of the time. And I’m not suggesting that you go out with friends or spend time with family most days of the week. Striking a healthy balance of rest and alone time, without isolating is so important during your recovery. And that balance is very individual. 

2. Nutrition

3. Sleep

4. Rest – rest and sleep are different. Rest involves your whole-being, not just your body. 

1. Rest can look like: 

1. Daily gratitude’s 

2. Taking a time out from Social media

3. Planning and taking a vacation

4. Taking naps

5. Avoiding stimulates- alcohol, drugs, and dare I say caffeine

5. And my favorite- self-compassion. Extending yourself grace and compassion is so HUGE. Recognizing that none of this is your fault and that there is nothing wrong with you. Exercising compassion when you get angry or irritable. That understanding this is part of the process. The more compassion you extend yourself the more you heal.

1. Exercise and movement

1. Trauma responses usually come with large doses of the hormones adrenaline and cortisol. Exercise and movement can help to burn those off while also releasing one of the feel-good hormones- endorphins

2. There is evidence that suggests that rhythmic exercises that engages both your arms and legs work best (like walking, running, swimming, dancing)

3. Yoga is an amazing option since it also incorporates mindfulness. 

4. Try to exercise for at least 30 minutes, most days of the week. 

1. Hire a professional- this can be a coach, like me, or a mental health professional- either can help you walk through your healing journey or BOTH if you feel that is the most appropriate option. You’re the one that gets to decide that. No one else. 

I included the caveat at the beginning of the episode, and I want to include it again. 

Seek help if you are

1. Having trouble functioning at home or work

2. Suffering from severe fear, anxiety, or depression that limits your ability to function, day-to-day

3. Experiencing terrifying memories, nightmares, or flashbacks

4. Using alcohol or drugs in excess to feel better

I would strongly suggest, a counselor or therapist with specialties in EMDR (eye-movement desensitization reprocessing, , CBT (Cognitive behavioral therapy) ,CPT (cognitive processing therapy,  and /or ACT Acceptance and Commitment Therapy).

Any of those, or those in combination which pretty common can be hugely beneficial in your healing.

So, that’s what I’ve got for you today. We will talk about aspects of trauma again, because it is such a huge component of our journey. But for now, I adore you and you’ve got this.