Hello, hello, hello my beautiful friends. I hope you’re all doing so, so well. I can’t believe we are at 80 episodes already. How fun is that? 

I do have a quick request, if you are enjoying the podcast and you haven’t already would you please take 2 minutes to leave a rating and review if your podcast platform allows for that. Spotify and google, I don’t think it will let you but for apple or if you listen on audible, I would greatly appreciate it if you would leave a rating and especially a review because that it what makes the podcast more discoverable. And I know that a lot of you listening are in the IVF/ infertility FB groups so if you feel so inclined, please share the podcast there too. IT’s all about getting the word out that there’s a different way to do IVF/ infertility other than trying to hate yourself through the process. 

I want to take a second and wish a beautiful and lovely long-term client luck and I’m hoping you will do that with me. I’ve worked with her for a little over a year and we’ve become very good friends. When this episode is released she will be smack in the middle of her TWW following a fresh transfer. This lovely woman has been through hell and back, like all of us, with several failed implantations and now using family egg donors for this cycle. So If you have a sec and are so inclined say a quick prayer, kind word, light a candle, go outside spin in a circle three times and spit- ya know whatever your jam is, for this kind soul. 

Alright so let’s get to it. Today I wanna tell you all about one of the first coaching concepts that I learned when I was introduced to Brooke Castillo and that is “The Manual”

So this concept can be applied to literally any relationship in your life: romantic, friendship, work, family- there is not a relationship that you have in this world as from distant acquaintance to the best friend that you do not have a manual for. 

The goal of understanding this concept is to help you gain perspective on other people’s behaviors and why and how they so very often, do not align with our expectations.  

So the manual is, I want you to think of like an operating manual for like a robot vacuum. It’s the operating manual for all of the people in your life. It’s a set of expectations that we have for how the people in our lives should operate. What they should do, say, not do, etc. 

I’m gonna give you several examples- both within the context of infertility and outside of infertility so you can see how it applies to everyone in your life. Most of us have thick-ass manuals, like detailed, indexed, THOROUGH! 

The problem is that we do not share this incredibly detailed operating manual WITH the people in our lives. We don’t even think about sharing it with them. Not because we want to keep this coveted information to ourselves but because we don’t really (consciously) know that they exist. They are an amalgamation of all of the different influences in our lives: culture, family dynamics, family values, trauma, social circles, socio-economic status, what you see of your friends, your political leanings, and so, so much more. All of these different influences give us this perception that these things, the things in our manuals are, almost no-brainers. That this is just standard operating procedure for everyone in the world.  Because it’s not like whenever we are in a relationship, or start a new job, or start fertility treatments, we download this manual 50K page manual for how all people should behave in all circumstances for everyone we encounter and are like “here you go, here’s my list of expectations, take copious notes there will be a test on Friday.” We just assume everyone would behave the same way. So when we get upset with people and we think “well, anyone would know that what they did was not appropriate” or “Who in their right mind would say..” right, all of those are examples of manuals. 

What I want to make clear on the outset is that having manuals is not a problem. Absolutely everyone in the world, that has ever lived has had or does have a manual for the people in their lives. Where we get into trouble is when we base our emotional experience on whether or not that particular person follows said manual. And since we don’t share these detailed manuals with people, well, then it’s kind of impossible for people to follow them- thus you experience a tremendous amount of frustration, pain, resentment, etc. 

So let’s start with the example of a belief that is very common that when you are doing your injections for an IVF round that your partner, if they are not giving you the injections, that they be with you while you do them. This actually comes up a lot for couples. 

I had a client that was adamant that they wanted to do their shots themselves and they told their partner such many times. Great! They made their need known. So that first shot, they did together and then the next night, she went to the bathroom but her partner didn’t come. She didn’t really think anything of it and then the next night and then the next night the same thing happened. And she was growing more and more frustrated and by the third night she kind of unloaded on them saying things like “how could you not do this with me” “You must not care or be as invested in this as me.” 

So she had a manual that said in chapter 45 subsection 5, paragraph 3 that when doing injections, even if you’re doing them yourself, that your partner stands with you. So as we were coaching, she realized she had never actually told them that she wanted them in the bathroom with her, or that it was an expectation. She realized she only really articulated that she was going to be the one doing the injections. Now, before we started coaching she assumed this was just a thing people did. An understanding of the situation, when you are doing IVF you are together for every shot unless you’re out of town or otherwise indisposed. So you can kind of follow the logic that if that is her belief, then when her partner did the opposite, well it’s not hard to make that leap that she did that they weren’t as invested in the process. Her natural assumption was that this was everyone who does IVF’s expectation. 

But when we started challenging that expectation is when the manual started to reveal itself. She was floored when I told her that my husband was not with me for every shot in any of our cycles, even if he was home at the time of the shots. It wasn’t that I didn’t want him there but, for me, it was just a thing I was doing like going to the bathroom, so I didn’t feel like he had to be there every time. He was certainly welcome and when he was there it was great but it was also ok when he wasn’t. This was really revelatory for her bc she truly did feel like this was a universal expectation. Which again, is not a problem. The sticky whicket, as it were, was when he was not there, she made that mean that he was not invested in the process- or not as invested as she was and that was a point of great pain for her. So as always, it goes back to your thinking. It was what she made his absence in those moments mean vs his actual absence. Because if her thought was like mine, “its cool if he’s here, it’s cool if he’s not.” Not saying that my thought is the standard bearer but just that his absence meaning that he was not invested was not the universal truth that she believed it to be and that was what was creating that pain for her. Now, I will say that she then told her partner what their absence meant to her and they were so happy to meet that need for her, to be there. Once they knew the expectation, once she tore out that section of her manual and let them read it, they were more than happy to be there each and every time. 

I had another client that felt like she was not getting the “right kind of support” from her husband. This was a BIG point of contention for them because she was very much a verbal processor and her husband was very much not. And she knew that about his personality and for all intents and purposes, she was completely fine with this personality difference, but she had this subconscious manual that when she was hurting that he would sit with her and have these like deep, intense, conversations and offer a lot of verbal reassurance. So as we were discussing this point of contention, we talked about how when she felt like he wasn’t supporting her she would feel very frustrated and would kind of lash out at him and kind of just tell and reiterate to him that he wasn’t supporting her but there was this big knowledge gap between them bc to her it was obvious what needed to happen and that this was just how you support people. But for him, without specific direction, he was using his own manual which says the best way to support people is to give them space and for him to let them know, you know, “if you need anything, then let me know” kind of approach. And neither of them had shared their manuals for how to be supportive to someone and how to offer support to someone- so you see how manuals on both sides impact relationships? 

So what about a non-IVF example. This kind of thing comes up at work all the time, constructive feedback. When I was working my corporate healthcare position I had several staff members that consisted of both social workers and nurses, because I was in case management. I had an amazing team, I still think about them to this day and smile, but I had an employee that would get annoyed with me when I offered feedback. Why, you may ask? Because I would offer praise and then feedback. She didn’t want what she called “the fluff.” Her manual said that feedback was if something needed to be corrected, that we’re all adults here, praise isn’t needed bc I know how to do my job, etc. She didn’t need that kind of personal connection to her supervisor (me) that I preferred. It just wasn’t important to her. And in fact, to her, it came across as disingenuous or like I was just trying to soften her up when all she wanted was the facts sort of a thing.  She had a manual for those types of interactions and our manuals did not align. But because she believed me to be disingenuous with my praise, it actually caused her to disengage with me and our department because the majority of my staff responded very well to the praise. I would get equally exasperated bc I couldn’t understand why she was so stand-off’ish- notice that that was how I interpreted her behavior? I would then try harder to get her to engage and the harder I tried the more I came off as a code red clinger to her. And it was all because of our manuals. Or it could be the other way around for you, maybe? Maybe you have a boss that only offers feedback when you have an error or something like that, so you then interpret their interactions with you as inherently negative bc they don’t offer a lot of praise. And that’s because of yall’s manuals. 

So why is it important to understand manuals? Well, like I said at the top of this episode, it gives us context for other peoples behavior. Namely that our expectations and our preferences for how people should do things is NOT the reference point. Just because you think someone should not ask “So when are you going to have kids?” doesn’t mean that people actually shouldn’t. This is such a common conversation starter in our culture that having this as an expectation is almost a guarantee to get pissed off. Some people think this is a completely acceptable and even beautifully connecting conversation starter. So your preferences and expectations are not the reference point of everyone else’s behaviors. 

I’m gonna say that one more time- YOU ARE NOT THE REFERENCE POINT. 

When we treat our expectations, our manuals, as the reference point for everyone else’s behaviors we are primed to interpret any deviation from that as a personal affront. Right, which is pretty understandable because if you think that everyone in the world should know that this is unacceptable and there are people out there that either don’t really care of it’s acceptable or not or it doesn’t even occur to them that it’s NOT acceptable then when that thing happens, it’s going to feel personal. It’s going to feel terrible. 

If making crass comments about hurrying up to make a baby because the clock is ticking, is unacceptable to you but whenever uncle jerry hits the liquor cabinet at family get togethers and that seems to be the only well he can pull jokes from, then you’re going to spend a LTO of time in pain- and yes, anger is a form of pain. 

We get upset because we pretty much always interpret a deviation from our manuals to mean something negative. We suffer because of what we make their behavior, their deviation from our manual, what we make that mean. Like I am not appreciates, I was disrespected, they are not as invested, things like that. And worse, usually what we then tie it all back to is OUR inherent worthiness. Like sure drunk uncle Jerry said the idiotic thing but then that idiotic comment, instead of interpreting it like yea of course uncles jerry is gonna get drunk and make stupid, obnoxious jokes at other peoples expense- we use it as like this confirmation of our “failures” when it really is that he’s just kind of a jackass.  

So, again, the only problem with having a manual is what we make it mean when someone doesn’t follow it. Because when someone follows our manuals we get to feel good. But let’s be honest, that’s pretty rare. So conversely, when someone doesn’t follow our manual it doesn’t feel good. But it’s all based on our thinking. Someone following our manual feels good.

So let’s take that example of my client who wanted her partner to support her better. Let’s say her husband woke up with an entirely different personality one morning and hen she was upset he sat down with her, grabbed a bowl of ice cream to share and they talked it out for hours. She would probably think something like, “Yes, he’s finally giving me the support that I want.” And she would get to feel supported- right always going back to a think, feel, do cycle. 

The whoel reason she wants that to happen is because of what she will get to think should that happen the way she wants it to; and this is the case for ALL OF US. 

Now, whenever I introduce this concept to my clients, their response is almost always, oh I should just show them my manual. And I always say, well. Yes and no, but mostly no. 

For people who have some sort of incentive to do what we want them to do like an employee or something like that, well then sure. Show them your manual. Or even sharing with your partner, bestie, or whatever what is in your manual. There is absolutely no harm done by sharing your wants and expectations, everyone is allowed to have and express their wants. 

But the beauty and freedom of understanding that everyone has manuals is that you can’t change other people’s behaviors and, honestly, that you don’t really need to. 

Honestly, if I could teach you techniques to change other peoples behaviors I would be a billionaire and would also have just graduated from Hogwarts because I would be a witch. 

But we don’t need ot change other people’s behavior. We just need ot change what we are thinking and feeling. The way we get feedback from work, the way and things uncle jerry say to us during family get togethers, how you get support from your partner, those are not the problem. The problem is your thinking ABOUT those things. How you interpret those things. Everything comes down to what you are making it mean, in a given situation. 

The freedom is that you absolutely have this available to you right now without ever having to share your manual with anyone. Just by being aware of what you are making a given situation mean, you can create more context in your brain for the other person’s behavior. Once you have that context, you THEN get to decide what you want to believe about whatever the situation is. You always have the choice. You were unconsciously choosing to believe the negative thing, which by the way is still a choice that is available to you and there is nothing wrong with you if you choose to interpret something that way, as long as you are willing to take responsibility for the negative emotion you will experience, because you are the one creating it, not the other person. You always, always, always, get to decide what you make something mean about another person and absolutely what you make it mean about yourself. 

That’s where your freedom lies. That is where you can create more of that emotional resiliency that we talked about a few episodes ago. And this is another beautiful step in that process. 

So remember, two things: 1) You want people to follow your manual because you want that positive thought and that positive feeling. And 2) You are NOT the reference point for everyone else. And I hope you all know that I say that as lovingly as humanly possible because I want you all to have and experience the freedom of not ebign teethered to other peoples behaviors in order to feel things. I want you to have the certainty that YOU always have the choice to feel how you choose and that no matter what happens, YOU know how to take care of yourself and that being an asshole to yourself is ALWAYS, always, always optional. 

Ok, this is what I have for you today, my beautiful friends. Have a great week and I’ll talk to you soon.