Hello, hello, hello my beautiful friends. I hope you’re all doing so well today. 

I hope everyone is staying as cool as possible for these ridiculous summer temps. I do not envy our friends in Europe and Canada, and the northern part of the US. Here in Texas we are used to the triple digit heat but I know you all aren’t so I hope it cools down for you soon! 

I am excited to announce that starting in September, I am going to host a monthly “Ask Emily Anything” open coaching call. Completely complimentary. It’s an hour long call where you can come on and be coached. I will have registration information sending out on my email list so please make sure that you get on the list so you have access to the free call. 

OK so today we are talking about anticipatory stress. Anticipatory stress describes stress that you experience concerning the future. Sometimes this stress can be focused on a specific event, such as an upcoming presentation. However, anticipatory stress can also be vague and undefined, such as an overall sense of dread about the future, or a worry that "something will go wrong."

So I’m gonna talk about this with particular reference to the injections that we do in an IVF cycle. There are many people that fear the injections maybe more than anything besides the whole process not working. Like I coach on this all of the time. 

Some people are worried they are going to mess up the medication, bc for meds like menapur you have to mix them, and there’s usually a pretty specific time window that we have to follow. And for some people it is the fear of the potential physical pain of the injections- the fear of needles Trypanophobia is like one of the top 10 or 15 phobias that people experience so it’s a VERY real thing. 

Now there might be some of you that doesn’t really have a problem with needles, but maybe you fear the egg retrieval procedure and recovery. Or many you fear public speaking, difficult conversations, or you have insomnia and you are kind of always battling that. The point is that anticipatory stress exists in many different areas of our lives so even if you don’t specifically fear the needles or procedures, it doesn’t mean there isn’t something to get from this episode. 

Ok, so with ANY of the examples that I have offered about anticipatory stress:

Needles

Not sure how the medications will make you feel

Procedures

Public speaking

Difficult conversations

Insomnia

Whatever it is- the first step is to accept that it will be uncomfortable. Physically, emotionally, or both. Sound familiar? 

We just have to accept reality as what it is before we can ever hope to change it. One of the biggest mistakes when we’re dealing with something like the injections or any situation where we anticipate we’ll be upset or stressed out is we start resisting it. 

We want to make it go away or avoid it. So if you struggle with the enjections you will probably be thinking about how much they might or will hurt, whether it’s the injection itself hurting or you know some of those meds can kind of burn when you inject them and you don’t want that. Or if it’s sleep, you’ll find you’re thinking that you just want to be able to sleep for the night, that you don’t want to wake up. If you struggle with public speaking, you’ll find you’re thinking you don’t want to be nervous, you want to be calm. 

And if I ask you what you want or how you want to feel, you’ll say I just want it to not hurt or to sleep through the night, I just want to feel totally calm. But right now when you’re starting this process, that’s obviously not an option. So stop pretending that it is. Stop wanting things to be the opposite of how they are. 

And you know I say that as longingly as possible but you have got to stop setting yourself up for failure. 

It’s like going to a restaurant that only serves Italian food and spending the whole time wishing they would make you Japanese Hibachi or something instead. It’s not going to happen. It’s not on the menu. It is a waste of energy to wish that it were. 

Because I want you to think about something that you say ‘I wish’ for- like I wish or I hope the medication doesn’t burn when I inject it- or whoever is doing the injections. If the dr or nurse is telling you it is probably going to burn, if the pharmacist warns you it’s probably going to burn, if the FB groups have post after post about how the medication burns- rest assured it’s a really safe bet that that medication is going to probably burn. 

So first, we just accept it. Right now, you are someone who is going to take a medication that is going to probably burn. Right now you ae going to have an injection and it will likely pinch or be uncomfortable. Right now you are someone that wakes up in the middle of the night. Right now, you are someone who gets nervous before they give a speech, whatever it is. First up is always acceptance. There is NO net benefit to fighting it. 

Acceptance doesn’t mean that it will ALWAYS be this way. That is a lie our brains try to offer us. Acceptance only means that you accept what is, right now, and therefore aren’t; surprised when that thing happens. 

Then we look at what you’re making that anticipation mean. Because the whole reason we’re so upset that the thing is happening is the meaning that we make of it. So with injections we there’s a lot of mental drama not just about the potential pain/ discomfort of the injection but also of how the medication is going to make us feel. Like we worry we are going to be grumpy, that you’re going to be so tired, you won’t be able to function, you’re going to be even more stressed out, you’re going to feel terrible, et cetera, et cetera. 

And what does that do? It makes you feel all those things right now. It makes you feel stressed out and terrible right now. With something like public speaking or a difficult conversation, it may be thoughts more like I’m going to feel nervous, I’m going to do a bad job, the audience is going to hate me, or my partner, or my boss that I’m talking to isn’t going to like what I’m saying, I’m not going to be effective. You’re not effective in preparing when you’re thinking that way and that’s what you’re spending your time doing. 

So once we accept it is going to happen, we’re not going to change it yet, we’re just going to accept it’s going to happen, then we can start to work on the story we’re telling about what it means when it happens. 

Because remember that whatever we believe is true we will create. If you tell yourself that when you feel physical symptoms of fatigue, those are stressful and awful and they make you bad at your job, what do you think will happen when you start to feel those sensations? Which again, we’ve accepted for now you’re going to. It’s an expected side-effect of the types of medications that we typically take during an IVF cycle. 

Your brain literally will create what you’ve told it will happen. Many of us have heard of the placebo effect. It’s when someone gets a non-active medication, but they get better or receive relief anyway because they believed they were getting a medication and their body actually responded the way it would to the medication. 

There’s also something called a nocebo effect, which is that you can be given an active medication, but if you believe that you didn’t get one, it won’t work as well, or it won’t work at all. So if you tell yourself that you’ll be exhausted and stressed and unhappy, that’s what you’re going to be and it’s going to be amplified by your thinking. 

So first you have to accept you’re going to have the emotion or not get the sleep, or that the medication will sting when you inject it, or whatever it is. And then you have to decide ahead of time what you’re going to think when that happens. Decide ahead of time what story to tell yourself. 

So let’s take the injections, instead of thinking about HOW painful the injections will be, you might practice something like, the injection will almost certainly be uncomfortable or painful and that;s ok. Even if it takes a few minutes for the discomfort to stop, I will be fine. I will be safe. I have been uncomfortable before, this is not a problem.

 Or if you are having trouble sleeping and you wake up, instead of launching into the litany of what a problem this is and how you are going to be so exhausted tomorrow, you might practice something like, I’m awake right now and that’s okay. Even if I don’t fall back asleep, I will be fine. I have gotten by on this much sleep before, this is not a crisis, or whatever you want to practice. 

One of my coaches uses the example of when you fall in love and you’re up all night. When you first fall in love and you just stay up all night talking or having sex, whatever you’re doing, you’re not skulking around feeling sorry for yourself and exhausted the next day. You feel amazing and you can’t wait to do it again. 

You’re like, sleep? No, I don’t need sleep. I could do this all night. Because your thoughts are how amazing and fun and wonderful it is, and you may even feel those symptoms of fatigue. But they don’t stress you out or bother you when you’re in that stage because you think of them as being the markers of this amazing experience you’re having. 

Regardless of what the example is, I guarantee you that your thoughts about it are going to either make it worse or make it more tolerable. And our thoughts are the only thing we can control anyway. We can’t control if the injection jurts or if the medication burns or makes us feel terrible, or anything like that but our thoughts about those things can absolutely exacerbate what is already happening. 

So when you allow it and you accept it and you’re willing to experience it, you also see a change in the behaviors that exacerbate it. Even if you can’t believe you’re totally fine, you can still work on believing it’s not as dire or horrible as you’ve been making it. 

Okay, so the steps so far are number one, accept it, it’s going to happen, and not being in this uncertainty of what if it happens tonight, maybe it’ll happen, maybe it won’t, and stressing out about that. It’s going to happen. We just assume it’s going to happen. 

And then number two, coming up with a thought to practice when it happens. Deciding on purpose what to make it mean. 

Step three is we start doing prep work. When you are doing that first injection, walking into the clinic for your retrieval or transfer, waking up at 3am, or when you step on a stage, or whatever, that’s not the ideal time to practice a thought for the first time. 

You can. It’s still worth a try. But obviously if you’ve practiced ahead of time, your brain will have learned the thought better. It’s like practicing for a concert or a sports game. You want to practice so your brain becomes used to making that motion, so to speak. 

So whatever you decide to think in the moment, you need to start thinking it on purpose ahead of time. 

If it’s for the injections or medication, you might spend the day practicing the thought, even if it is painful or uncomfortable I am not in danger. I won’t die from this. I can tolerate a few minutes of discomfort. 

If  it’s insomnia, you may want to spend all day practicing the thought, even if I don’t get a ton of sleep tonight, I will be totally fine tomorrow. 

Or if it’s public speaking, even though I may be nervous on the stage, I can still connect effectively with my audience. 

You want to practice ahead of time so that thought becomes unconscious. When we practice a thought a lot, it’s just like when we learn a skill. It eventually will move to the unconscious portion of our brain, which carries it out automatically. 

Like when you drive to a destination that you know really well, you can be having a conversation, or thinking about something else, you’re not even conscious of making the turns or how you get there. You still get there safely. It’s because your unconscious mind has taken over the operation. And that happens with your thinking. That’s when a thought becomes a default thought. This is what we in coaching refer to as “intentional thought creation.”

Finally, step four, as you get experience with how this reduces the intensity of the problem, you can start working your way up a thought ladder and practice believing things like, This injection will be over so quickly and I’ve learned how to limit or minimize the discomfort. Or, I know how to I’m going to sleep really well tonight, and even if I wake up, I’m going to fall asleep quickly. Or if I have side effects from the medication I know how to take care of myself and I know that I can reach out to my medical team with any questions. 

This is how we deal with anticipatory stress about anything in the world. Step one, accept the emotion you fear is going to happen. Stop resisting it. That will already feel better because you’ve removed all this uncertainty of what if it does, what if it doesn’t, I have to worry about that. No, we just assume it does. 

Step two, look at what you’re making it mean that you will feel or experience this thing, and decide on purpose what you can believe that is less dramatic and less catastrophizing. 

Step three, practice that thought, that meaning you’ve decided to make on purpose as just a thought, practice that not just when it happens, but ahead of time. 

Step four, move your way up the thought ladder, believing less negative and more positive thoughts about what it means if the thing happens, or even that it may or will not happen at all. 

Listen to me, this is important. You cannot skip the steps. Do not get off this podcast as someone who’s had a decade fear around needles and start trying to practice the thought, I know how to handle any discomfort I might feel and expect that to stick. That is unlikely to work right off the bat. 

You can try it. But I really want you to follow the steps I laid out above. With anticipatory stress, like anything else, your drama and your resistance to it are what make it so terrible. 80% of our suffering in any situation is our resistance to the situation. 

So follow the steps and don’t try to skip over that first one. Acceptance is what unlocks all the rest of it. Alright my beautiful, That is what I have for you today. I hope you apply this to something in your life you have anticipatory stress about. 

Have a great week and I will talk to you soon!