Hello, hello, hello my beautiful friends I hope you’re all doing so well. I want to start this episode by telling you how my morning went. Now, trigger warning I will be talking a little bit about my kiddos and the morning routine so if that’s not something you want to hear about, totally fine, skip ahead a minute or so and you’ll be set. 

So today, the day I’m writing and recording this episode, my husband took a 6:30am flight to Atlanta for a conference. I do kind of mourn for him bc getting up at 4:15 to get ready ad head to the airport is not my idea of a lot of fun. But that means that I am doing solo parenting stuff and getting everyone up and out the door. So I get up around 5:45 to get myself ready’ish- mostly just change out of my PJ’s, and wash my face. Then I start getting everything ready for the day. Which means getting breakfast for the boys, getting them changed and ready, backpacks packed, bottles for the baby, etc. There’s a lot to do in a very specific amount of time. 

Now, This was a great morning. I had a really good amount of cooperation from the boys, things seemed to really fall in line. We left exactly when we needed to Now, when I think about last Thursday, it was a very similar situation, my husband was out of town and the whole morning played out so differently. I didn’t get out of bed until like 6:10 and was scrambling the entire time and kept telling myself “there’s not enough time.” Doo, doo, doo, da-doo, entire time scarcity. And of course, during this time, bc I felt so out of control, so dysregulated, I was snapping at everyone, que heavy sigs, harsh or sharp tones, some yelling- like it was not my finest moments. 

“There’s not enough time,” is one of the most prevailing thoughts that contribute to time scarcity. So let’s start by understanding what time scarcity is actually- so a scarcity mindset is when you are so obsessed with the lack of something- usually time or money, those are the biggest culprits- that you can’t seem to focus on anything else, no matter how hard you try. 

So let’s level-set, scarcity is a BIG thing in the infertility community- time, money, children. So much of what we experience is based in scarcity. Now, over the course of the next few months, I’m going to do a podcast episode about all three of the big infertility scarcity mindset’s but I thought I would ease us into understanding scarcity with time scarcity. 

Now scarcity isn’t something you do on purpose. I want you to think of it as background noise in your brain, also known as your unconscious automatic thinking, that tells you you cannot or won’t get XYZ- which is usually something you want. For time scarcity it’s like time is constantly running out so you wont get what you want. For me, it usually comes up when I think I’m running late. I want to be on time., and maybe I will be but my brain is so hyped up that I can’t settle down and relax OR it’s that I have somewhere to be at a certain time and I will arrive to that place after that specific time. 

For many of us in the Infertility community time scarcity comes up in a couple of different ways, One the belief that all of this is taking “too long” – oooooph, I’m like a MASTER at this thought. This thought has been my buddy for a very long time. And what’s really important ot know and understand is while I THOUGHT that this thought was really specific to how long it took to get pregnant, start a cycle, get a referral, or have the kids- I have literally had this thought about pretty much every aspect of my life and I would wager money, so have you. It took too long for my husband to propose, it took too long for us to get married, university and graduate school took too long, it took too long for me to start getting promotions and moving up in the corporate world. It took too long for me to start my business, it took too long to get regular clients, and now I have that thought related to other aspects of my business. 

The second way this comes up for us is “I’m running out of time.” Now, I would be completely remiss if we did not acknowledge the biological realities of people with ovaries and uteruses- there is a specific clock on how many eggs that remain and their (typical) diminishing quality- now I say typical bc not everyone experiences that but some of us do. Our egg quality and the quality, medically, are designed to reduce over time. Our eggs are a new-renewable resource, meaning we a born with however many eggs we will have for the rest of our lives- which is typically around 1 million’ish (These are ranges folks, ranges), by the time we hit puberty only about 300K, on average remain. Of these, only about 300-400 will be ovulated during our reproductive lifetime. 

Now, I’m not sharing these particular stats with you to exacerbate your scarcity but we want to be REALLY honest about what we’re talking about. This is a reality. And we want to acknowledge and honor that. 

Now, I mentioned the “there’s not enough time” at the top of the episode- this is really pervasive typically outside of the context of infertility. It’s not that I’m not acknowledging that it comes up, but I think it’s really important to focus on the big ones. But what I am going to share, I think, will also help put into context and help you manage your mind around THAT particular thought too, so do not fear. 

Now, when we have these thoughts that create scarcity for us, I don’t think (unless you’re in coaching or therapy, you would likely categorize it as “scarcity.” I think for most of us when we think those thoughts the feelings that come up are, typically, anxiety or urgency. At least that is what is usually created for me and since I have a human brain and you have a human brain, it’s a pretty educated guess. 

The emotion I want to start with is urgency. Anxiety gets a lot of air time on this podcast but I don’t think I’ve spent much time talking about urgency. I want you to take a quick second and think about how urgency, that feeling or urgency feels in your body. It might feel VERY similar to anxiety, which can be why it’s hard to differentiate the two. For me, it tends to feel like anxiety but it also kind of feels like there’s this invisible force pulling or pushing me forward and like I don’t have any choice but to move. But it’s not a really comfortable feeling, it still feels very much like I am out of control. This is VERy normal. One of the biggest, let’s say unintended consequences, of scarcity mindsets is that it lowers your impulse control capability. Which is why, when you’re feeling urgent/ anxious you tend to snap at the people around you. IDK if you’ve ever been so riled up about something and feeling a very strong sense of urgency and like you’re trying to close a drawer or put something up and it won’t close bc there are things in the way or the thing keeps falling and so you end up throwing a huge temper tantrum- yeaaaa, me too. Like just the other day. That sense of urgency, the actions that you take from that emotion will always be frantic, almost like you’re scrambling for things. That is just how the think, feel, do cycle works. 

Even outside of the two BIG scarcity thoughts that we’re talking about, I’m willing to bet that that sense of urgency/ anxiety comes up for you A LOT. This is where the “there’s not enough time” usually comes in. BC our brains have difficulty with prioritization, so everything seems to have the same level of urgency when you’re in that mindset. The dishes and taking your medications at the specified time, might carry the same urgency. But it all relates back to our relationship with time. 

The reason that I want to highlight urgency is bc that feeling, urgency, is like a HUGE red flag for me. I’m always on the lookout for that feeling or thoughts that could create that feeling bc what that tells me is that you believe that you will get to feel better on the other side of that thing, right? Once that thing is done, checked off the list, then you will get to feel better. Whatever “better” is for you: relaxed, complete, calm, secure, settled- there’s probably dozens of emotions that we could identify that we think we will get to feel, once that thing has been checked off our list. 

One of the biggest things that I hear, particularly as it relates to “this is taking too long” is that once that person gets pregnant or has the baby, they will get to feel like their life has started. I actually had one of my beautiful clients talk about this just a few days ago. Those were her exact words too, “I will get to feel like my life has started.” THAT is the feeling she is chasing. 

And I want to make sure that is really understood, that sense of urgency, that feeling or urgency- what you’re doing is chasing a feeling. Again, because you believe, just like she believes, that she will get to feel better on the other side of pregnancy. 

So this is the part of the episode where I get to be Debbie downer- whaa-waa. Chasing a feeling never yields LONG TERM satisfaction. BC then you will just continue to chase that feeling. Because my client, and many of you and let’s be honest, the vast majority of the world’s population believe that external circumstance create our feelings, they stay on this emotional and mental treadmill always chasing a feeling. 

Let’s take doing this dishes. I know that I like to have my sink clean and empty. When my sink is clean and empty, I have thoughts like “wow, my house feels clean.” It could be an absolute disaster area but if the sink is clean ad empty, that’s my immediate thought. But you know what? Dishes will inevitably reappear in that sink, at some point. So that feeling is fleeting. 

For my client, as we talked she started to realize that thought “after this, then my life will get to start” has been with her for a very long time. She immediately thought back to when she was planning her wedding and getting married. She was so eager and excited to get married because one of the (many) thoughts she has was, “after this, then my life will start.”  As we dug a bit deeper, that thought has popped up at pretty much every major life event’s turn- high school graduation, going to college, graduating from college, starting her professional career, getting engaged, getting married, buying a house, and now, it was time for a baby.  

So, one of the big things that we had to do, to see that this was not really a question of her life actually starting, but just the belief about it, the thought about it starting, was to start to untangle 1) what those other life events were and 2) how it wasn’t necessarily better on the other side. 

You know that cliché “The grass is always greener on the other side” no, that’s BS it’s the same grass. Grass is grass. Grass that is tended to looks greener. But it still requires work. So it’s not that the grass is better, it’s that the process for upkeep is different. 

Not better, just different. I want you to really hear me. It’s not better, it’s different. 

Getting to the point where you are doing fertility treatment is not better than it was before you got to that point, it’s just different. Before fertility treatment you might feel kind of stuck, so once you start treatments, you might get to feel like you’re making progress BUT then, your body is under a microscope. You’ll have new things to occupy your thoughts like all of the logistics that an IVF cycle requires (medications, appt, all of that). It’s not better on the other side, it’s just different. 

Getting pregnant is not better than it was before. When you get pregnant and as you progress through pregnancy, it’s not as if you take some magic cocktail and all of your worries and cares are behind you- that is a lie that we tell ourselves. You will still have worries. You will still symptom spot like a detective. You will still hold your breath before every ultrasound or test. You will still think about everything you’re putting in your body or how everything you’re doing is impacting your body. This doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong with you- it means you’re human!

The lie we tell ourselves, and usually what creates so much suffering when we get to that place is “I thought I would feel differently.” And then we have a whole story about how there’s something wrong with us because we don’t or how we’re just negative people, or how we can’t relax. I hear so many women in our community talk about regret during their pregnancy bc they didn’t feel like they got to enjoy it because they were so worried the entire time. Because they believed the lie that they would or should feel better once they got pregnant or once they knew the pregnancy was progressing well and the baby was healthy. They didn’t do anything wrong, they just bought into a lie that most everyone in the world believes. It will be better, when.

So say it with me, “Not better, but different.” Life is 50/50. You’ve probably heard me talk about that concept before. I can’t remember if I’ve ever done a stand-alone episode on that topic but the basic premise is that 50% of the time life is great or neutral. It’s full of all of those emotions that we chase- calm, joy, happiness, positivity, excitement. And 50% of the time it’s really hard- pain, anger, resentment, jealousy, grief. 

A lot of people want to fight about those percentages, but when everything comes out in the wash, it’s 50/50. So when I say, it’s not better, but different. I don’t mean that getting and staying pregnant isn’t amazing, I mean that it’s not ONLY amazing. That it’s still 50/50. It being amazing doesn’t take away our anxiety or our insecurity. It doesn’t take away the. Pain or grief that we have experienced up and to that point- so it’s different. 

Having that baby is amazing AND it’s really freaking hard. Both things are true. It’s not better on the other side, it’s different. That feeling of urgency WANTS you to believe that getting to that other place is going to feel better, but I assure you it won’t. It will feel different. You will get to experience maybe unbridled joy, AND fear. Excitement AND anxiety- which pro-tip those actually feel exactly the same in our bodies, our brain can’t tell the difference between excitement and anxiety- what determines that for us is -ding, ding, ding, you guessed it, our thoughts about the situation. 

So, the two big takeaways from today: 1) I want you to spend a little time in your body and notice what urgency feels like for you. Where do you feel it in your body? How would you describe it? What does it make you want to do?

Once you have that, you have a blueprint to refer to. One that you can use over and over, to help you recognize the emotion. When you’re able to recognize it, name it, you will then be able to change your experience of it. 

The next thing is, I want you to do some paper thinking- if you’re new here, that’s what I call journaling. Ask yourself:
* Why do I think it will be better on the other side of this?

* What am I expecting to feel, once I get to the other side?

* What am I feeling now, that I don’t want to feel and am trying to avoid feeling?

Because ultimately, it comes down to not wanting to feel how you feel right now. For those of you in the “I’m running out of time camp.” Maybe the feeling you’re trying to avoid is regret. Maybe you regret, not starting sooner. Or not going to the doctor or starting treatment, sooner. 

I have a client that, this thought CONSUMES her. It consumes her. She ruminates on this thought all of the time. I should’ve started sooner. I should have done some sort of fertility preservation and frozen my eggs, a decade ago. 

And yet, when we talk about what she was doing a decade ago, having babies was nowhere NEAR front of mind, hell it was BARELY in the peripheries. She’s holding herself to an expectation at a time when that expectation didn’t even occur to her. 

She’s beating herself up over a decision she didn’t even know she would want to consider in 10 years time. 

Like if you’re wondering why I’ve spent an entire podcast talking about this it’s because none of this serves you. All of this time scarcity makes you feel absolutely awful. It doesn’t motivate you, It just keeps you feeling stuck. There is a different way to do this. 

So again, going back to the big takeaways, got off on a little tangent there- purely out of love for you all:

do some paper thinking- if you’re new here, that’s what I call journaling. Ask yourself:

* Why do I think it will be better on the other side of this?

* What am I expecting to feel, once I get to the other side?

* What am I feeling now, that I don’t want to feel and am trying to avoid feeling?

* Then allow yourself to feel THAT. Do the NOW process, Name it, Open up to it, and witness it. 

Urgency will not help you get to a place where you feel better. Sure, you can white knuckle it but why? White knuckling it feels awful. You can get to the same place without being a jerk to yourself and barking at the people you love. You can still get to that place with genuine love and compassion for yourself and the understanding that it will be different, not necessarily better. All of it is beautiful. All of these emotions are necessary. 

And that is what I have for you today, my beautiful friends. I hope you have a beautiful day and I’ll talk to you soon.