Hello, hello, hello, my beautiful friends. I hope you’re all doing so, so well. As I am writing this, I am book-ended by my two cats, who are both asleep and purring, and I am fighting every impulse I have to close this laptop and snuggle in bed with them, BUT, I am here for each and every one of you. So, I hope you can see my sacrifice. 

I’m gonna jump straight into the topic today because perfectionism or perfectionistic traits that people have are probably some of the most common things I see in my clients and things that we coach on. 

Now, in full transparency I am a somewhat recovering perfectionist. Which, if you know me, might not seem congruent. And this is one of the first things that I want you guys to understand is that perfectionism has nothing to do with your outputs- what you put out into the world and it has EVERYTHING to do with your thoughts and how you view, mainly, or at least what we will be predominantly focusing on, how you view yourself. 

I’m going to list off some perfectionistic traits that I see and hear frequently from clients and I want you to think about if you have thoughts like these or if this is how you tend to view your self or your life:

Living in extremes- like if it’s not perfect (ie diet, exercise, and many more)

Viewing yourself as a failure

Relying on other people for praise or validation

FEAR OF LOOKING INCOMPETENT

Beating yourself up over anything- either imagined or something you’ve actually done

Having self worth that is almost entirely based on achievement

Fear of the unknown or uncontrollable- this one should be REAL LOUD for all of us IVF’ers

Creating a ton of arbitrary rules for myself and others to follow and getting upset when they are not “followed”

Wanting or demanding others do things your way – this is the one where I feel real seen

And assuming that other people are judging you based on your own distorted self view

Any of those sound familiar to you?

One thing that happened for me, when I realized that so many of my daily struggles were tied to this, this perfectionism, I felt an immense sense of relief because then it was about a mindset and not some inherent deficit on my part that I just could not overcome. 

So that leads me to the second, and equally important point, which is that perfectionism is NOT the same thing as doing your best. It is not being detail oriented, or really good at something. It’s not the same as having high standards or expectations of yourself. Or even having the ability to follow through to meet those expectations. I think all of those things are healthy and good and, in a lot of ways, can be very aligned with your personal set of values. 

A lot of my clients, at the beginning, kind of balk at this idea because they think that if they let go of this perfectionism then they won’t achieve anything, that will begin to embrace a kind of Nihilism where nothing actually has meaning. But that’s not true. It’s completely false.   

Perfectionists rarely actually achieve their goals. That’s because you’re never actually finished, because it’s never “perfect.” But perfect is a complete illusion. And I think we logically know and understand that, but those perfectionistic thoughts can be pretty covert and have a lot of sticking power. 

So, because things are hardly ever complete, because of perfectionism, then you rarely get to experience the feeling of satisfaction and pride. And I think that that was the biggest revelation for me around perfectionism. That I was so unfamiliar with the feeling of satisfaction, and not only that, because I didn’t really know what it felt like, and because I never gave myself an opportunity to know and experience that emotion, I would make that mean that I would never be satisfied. That I was ungrateful. That I couldn’t just be. And, in a way, I was right. I couldn’t just be. I wouldn’t let myself just be. 

Let me set the stage for you- you are anticipating doing an IVF round- for this example it’s not relevant if this is the first or a subsequent round, it’s just a round. And you have read “It starts with the egg”- which I don’t have any problems with, I’m just using it as a reference for this example. And you have gone to Herculean effort to abide by the authors recommendations- you’re taking 3 fists full of supplements everyday, you have thrown out all of your plastic Tupperware for glass ware, you have thrown out all of your fragrances and fragranced items (detergent, candles, lotions, hair products, you name it, you have tossed it and have replaced it with something non-fragranced.) You go to acupuncture once or twice a week, you have done all the things you hear from our community to do, in service to this goal. And, yet, you have this low humming buzz in your head that there is more to do, that you’re not doing enough. So even though you are putting yourself through the meat grinder, it’s not good enough. And then, if you don’t have the outcome you hope, well then that is just further confirmation that you did not do enough. That you failed. That this outcome was probably your fault. 

When we do this to ourselves, there is not really any space for you to tell yourself, “You know what, I did everything I could and even though we didn’t get what we had hoped for, I can take care of myself and hold myself and know that this is not my fault.”  

Within perfectionism, anything short of “perfection” is a personal moral failing. Especially when we don’t have any control over the outcome. 

This is what I find to be the most harmful aspects of perfectionism is that we are, quite literally, denying ourselves the feelings of pride and satisfaction for doing the things, the only things, that were within our control. Instead, we hyper-focus on what is lacking. What is “imperfect.”

And a really important caveat is that some people might have selective perfectionism- this is what I am working to kind of unravel. Where I can hyper focus on somethings to be perfect but other things I am openly fine with “good enough.” That’s still a form of perfectionism. 

So where does perfectionism come from?

Well, I believe, that it comes from an internalized belief that our value, like our value as a person and a human being, is conditional. This need and desire to have approval from others, while simultaneously denying yourself, your own approval. 

Think about how you were raised. Did accolades, attention, and approval come from your achievements? I think most of us have experienced that- it’s pretty normal. And so as you grow up and get older, the stakes for the accolades, attention, and approval increase so all of a sudden, everything has to be perfect for you to get the same type of feedback that you once received simply for brushing your teeth by yourself at 5 years old. 

So I think the third part that I want to make sure is understood is that your value is NEVER conditional. Never. Your value is absolute. Your worth is divine. By merely existing, you are enough. 

Another aspect of perfectionism, which I will explain how it ties to IVF in just a second, is this idea of productivity. If I look busy, act busy, or feel busy then I am worthy. This lie that we tell ourselves is VERY relevant for IVF because when we are approaching a cycle or are actively in a cycle, many people will describe a sense of excitement or motivation because it “feels like I’m doing something.” Because there is not often a recognized sense of accomplishment in the in between times, because rest is not viewed as productive. 

If you’re actively doing something, we feel like we can justify our time. So therefore if you are taking a break, you’re not really working towards your goal- EVEN if that time is specifically designated for rest, recouperation, for you mental, physical, emotional, or financial needs. Because it’s not active, it’s not productive.  And so again, we just put ourselves in the meat grinder over and over again, to avoid stillness, in pursuit of that productivity. 

This also makes being present very challenging. If you are more comfortable doing then you’re more likely to want to go down a rabbit hole of research for the thousandth time, rather than opt to sit and play cards with your family, or something that incorporates more immediate presence in that moment. 

Yall know I love me some Brene Brown and she puts it like this: We must cultivate the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning to think, “no matter what gets done, and how much is left undone, I am enough.” And it really doesn’t get better said than that. 

Ok, so what’s really important is creating that type of awareness around this perfectionistic thinking. Remember, we can’t fix what we won’t look at or can’t see. You can start to untangle this perfectionism by being willing to believe that your worth is not conditional. And by being aware of this being a belief system, not just some factual universal truth of the world, a belief system that has been shoved down your throat since you were born. 

Alice walker says, “In nature nothing is perfect and everything is perfect. Trees can be contorted and bent to try and reach sunlight and they are still beautiful.”

In fact, often the things that we really appreciate about in nature are perfectly imperfect. We don’t judge it. We don’t place moral values on it. We just appreciate it. But we don’t do that for ourselves. Why? Why is nature more revered for its imperfections than we are. 

So the next step in untangling some of this perfectionist tendencies, after awareness, is to embrace “good,” or “good enough” whichever one you like more. I want you to think about cleaning, let’s say, the bathroom. You scrub, wipe, whatever and then you look around, and think “that’s good enough.” It’s not like you cut corners and used water instead of a disinfectant or something. Is it perfect? No. That’s impossible. There would always be something that you cannot possibly see that you might’ve missed, but it’s good enough. 

You’re not going to be able to do EVERYTHING that everyone and their dog suggests or offers you that they heard their best friends, cousins, mail carrier used 15 years ago when they had trouble getting pregnant. 

Choose a couple of things you really want to focus on for your cycle. Maybe you want to focus on taking Coq10 and drinking more water throughout the day. That’s wonderful. And I’m gonna talk about this in an upcoming episode called the power of constraint but this is the introduction to that concept. Focus on the couple of things that would be most impactful for you, that will yield the best physical and psychological impact while you’re going through a challenging time. Maybe you want to focus on your mental health by working with a counselor and coach and incorporating that with acupuncture or energy healing. Maybe you want to create a habit of walking for 30 minutes 3 times a week. Perfectionists, I mentioned this early in the episode, but there’s so much black and white thinking. So you want to fix it all- even things that aren’t broken, but just because your brain tells you it’s not enough. 

Whatever you decide is good enough, that’s by definition, good enough. 

Now in the next few episodes I’m going to be building off of this idea as I talk about constraint and decision making, because both of those tie back to perfectionism. Finding ways, throughout this journey, to cultivate compassion, and setting realistic expectations for yourself is one of the most strategic or tactical things you can do, to take care of yourself. And that is what I want for each and every one of you. 

Ok, that is what I have for you today. Have a great week and I will talk to you soon.