Welcome to IVF This, Episode 98- Overcoming Overwhelm. 

Hello, hello, hello my beautiful friends. I hope you’re all doing so well. 

Coming off the heels of Thanksgiving in the US AND the second birthday of this podcast, or would this be considered an anniversary- anyway, we’ve been doing this for TWO years!

I’m blown away when I think about that and how far this podcast has been able to reach around the world. It’s such an honor that you all come and hang out with me, for however long you feel like you need. And even though we are two years in, we still have a lot coming down the pike. 

I also want to take a quick sec and let you all know that the next “Ask Emily Anything” call is on Tuesday, December 13th at 1pm Central time, that’s 2pm Easter, or 11am Pacific. Remember, this is a free, open coaching call where you can interact with me, either by the Q&A option on zoom, or you can raise your hand and I can coach you directly. Either way, it’s an amazing call and I would love to talk to you then. You can get the link to join the call, and add it to your calendar item so you don’t forget, the link is in my social media bio links, or if you’re on my email list you will get emailed the day of as a reminder. You can get on my email list by going to www.ivfthiscoaching.com and take my free mini-course- 3 steps to managing your IVF anxiety. 

Ok, let’s get started! We’re continuing on today with another aspect of perfectionism, overwhelm. Now, if you haven’t listened to the episode, maybe like two episodes back, on perfectionism, go do that before you start this one. You need a really good foundation of understanding what perfectionism is before really understanding what is creating and contributing to your overwhelm and then how you can get unstuck. 

Now, if you have listened to the perfectionism episode then you are aware that perfectionism is like a plague that has descended upon us. There are many roots for perfectionism, things like: white supremacy, capitalism, and our evolutionary fear of judgment and rejection. All that to say, none of us picked up perfectionism as a belief system, out of a bunch of other belief systems, and thought, “Yes! I would love to provide my brain with endless torture options, filled with regret, and judgement.” No, none of us did. But just because we didn’t actively choose to practice that perfectionistic belief system, does not mean that we need to actively continue participating in that belief system. 

Thus, we are unpacking the elements of perfectionism over the next few episodes. 

So, let’s get started. Overwhelm, like any emotion, is created in our thinking. Overwhelm is NOT having specific things that need to get completed, having a bunch of errands to run, a pressing deliverable at work, or anything like that. When you hear me talk about the think, feel, do model, I will often talk about the circumstance. And that’s the first thing in that think, feel, do cycle. It’s important to think about the circumstance as your opportunity to have a thought, but the circumstance is really the math of the situation. It’s completely neutral. But it is the circumstance that we often credit for creating overwhelm. 

One quick caveat for any of my fellow neurodivergent- overstimulation can also feel a lot like or produce feelings similar to overwhelm. So, try to be mindful of that, as well.

Ok, so, let’s start with an example of one of the most overwhelming experiences of IVF that my clients talk to me about and that I have similarly experienced and that is when the giant box filled with our medications, syringes, needles, and other accessories arrive. 

We open this box, probably with a mixture of excitement and trepidation and then we start to take everything out and, depending on your protocol, you could have the little autoinjector pens, different vials filled with powder that you will then have to reconstitute,  other meds, things that need to be refrigerated and things that don’t. Maybe you’re doing a transfer cycle and you you’re injecting progesterone in oil and are pretty much being asked to inject a bamboo shoot, full of molasses, into your upper ass cheek every day, or even multiple times per day. 

So, we get this box of meds and stuff and all of a sudden our brain is flooded with thoughts like:

This is so much stuff, how am I going to remember everything?

What if I mix something wrong or give myself the wrong dose of something?

I’m not a doctor or a nurse, how do they expect me to get this right?

I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

What’re the QCaps for? 

What was the medication I was supposed to mix? How much do I mix? Do I have to do this everyday?

I can’t do this.

I can’t possibly do all of this.

Where am I going to find the time to make sure I get my shots, exactly when I am supposed to do them. 

Any ONE of these thoughts could create the feeling of overwhelm.

Now, you might have heard those examples and thought, those thoughts make me feel anxious, not overwhelmed. Very often anxiety and overwhelm feel very similarly. Your heart starts to beat faster and you can almost hear it in your ears, your head gets full and it almost feels like you’re underwater. 

Notice what is actually creating the overwhelm- it’s all the thoughts you are having, it is all the verbal thought-vomit your primitive brain is spewing because unpacking a box of medication, syringes, pills, patches, whatever, and you’ve never done this before and your brain like to remind you that new things are scary and will probably kill us. It’s not the box of medications. Remember what I said earlier about the circumstance? The circumstance is that box of medication. That box of medication gave you the opportunity to have a thought. The box doesn’t create your overwhelm, it provided you the opportunity to think about all the scary things that might happen and THAT felt overwhelming. 

So what’s an example outside of IVF? I’m so glad you asked! Have you ever looked at your tasks, to do list, or calendar and thought, “I don’t have enough time?” or some variation of that thought? Yup, me too. This morning, in fact! That’s is a sentence, a thought, that creates overwhelm. And Very often, we actually will that belief true. Or at least I do. If I tell myself that I don’t have enough time or that I have too many things to do (it’s based on similar thinking) then I will dawdle, avoid, procrastinate, etc and then I will not have time to do the things that I wanted to do, bc I pissed it all away. 

So the work project, or the errands, the time commitments, etc those are the circumstances. Those are the things that give you the opportunity to have a thought, they are not the reason that you are overwhelmed. 

So, you wanna overcome overwhelm, find out what it is that you’re thinking about when you’re feeling overwhelmed. What’s that conversation you’re having with yourself? 

For me, my overwhelmed thought is, “I don’t have enough time.” I tell myself that several times a day. It’s a pretty automatic thought for me. But it’s pretty ridiculous because I say it to myself when I have a 30 minutes to get something accomplished or if I have a completely open calendar for the day and need to get something done. Like there’s no validity to that thought, because it’s so variable. It doesn’t actually have any meaning. I give it meaning in the moments when I indulge in the thought. The moments when I agree with the thought. But that is all. The thought is just a sentence that my brain decides to offer up and sometimes I agree with it, and sometimes I remind myself that I will get done, whatever I get done and putting that kind of pressure on myself will usually only yield me completely procrastinating and nothing productive comes from that. 

I also usually find that I tend to agree with that thought MORE often, if I am already feeling anxious about something. So, let’s say I’m writing something and I’m not sure how it’s going to sound or I haven’t really been able to make all the connections in my brain yet, and I’m feeling anxious about the impending deadline. Well, the more anxious I feel about the deadline, or my work product, or my understanding or knowledgebase around the subject matter, the more likely I am going to believe the thoughts that my brain offers up, in that already anxious state. 

In an anxious state, you are not able to access the more rational parts of your brain. Anxiety is one of the primitive emotions that is VERY strong. The moment your brain senses danger, and yes, a box full of medications that you’ve never taken before and regimens that you never considered would be a part of your everyday life, suddenly are- yea, that’s scary. That feeling is very strong. But it’s not rational. It’s not based in logic. That part of your brain is only reactionary. And that’s really important to remember. So when you are looking at this box of medications and all of the mixing and diluting and injecting and your brain tells you, “we’re never going to figure this out,” that’s not really a reliable or accurate statement. Even if you just take a quick glance at all of the things that you learned how to do, I would lay money on you previously telling yourself, I am never gonna figure this out.” Hell, most of us drive cars, right? I would argue that driving a car is a much higher like danger stake- considering all the things that could go wrong for you or someone else- that IVF and you do that multiple times per day, I would guess. 

So, that was the long way of saying that the first way to overcome overwhelm is to figure out what the thought is, that you’re having, that is creating that overwhelm. 

So then the next step is to pick out thoughts that you can practice, ahead of time, that would feel better. Something believable. Something that you can lean into. It doesn’t have to be a shiny, happy, super optimistic thought- oftentimes when we start doing thought work and practicing it, we try to go to the other extreme. Right? So if you tell yourself that you don’t have enough time, you might try to get the pendulum to swing the complete opposite direction and try to force believe something like, “I have all the time in the world.” 

If it’s not believable, then it’s about as useful an ashtray on a motorcycle. 

So, find a middle (and believable) ground. Maybe it’s this will take as long as it takes. Or, I tell myself I don’t have enough time frequently, and yet, everything always ends up getting done that needs to get done.

Or, maybe you’re telling yourself that you’re never going to be able to figure out the medication. That you’re going to mess up a dosage or mix the wrong meds together.

Remind yourself, I am not a flippant person. This is really important to me. I know how to take my time, be attentive to the situation, AND if something does happen, I know that I can contact my doctors office and have my questions answered. 

Your brain wants you to believe, whenever we are going through something scary, that we are all alone. Like on this island with no support. But it’s not true. You have support AND you know how to access it. You are more than capable of figuring this out. 

Sometimes, I will even remind myself. “Hey love, you are anxious/ stressed/ overwhelmed (whatever that emotion is) and you’re not thinking clearly. It’s ok. You’re safe. (Yes, I really do talk to myself like this) When we can ground ourselves and feel calmer, our thinking will get clearer.” Or something like that. 

So again, you’re feeling overwhelmed, I want you to look for the thought that is creating that overwhelm. Then look to your pre-made list of next best thoughts, that you can turn to, to help yourself in that moment. 

Now, I’m going to share with you one extra little bonus trick:

I remember one of my clients, we were practicing this, and the thought that she came up with was, “I always feel overwhelmed until I make a plan, so I just need to make a plan.” And this was GENIUS!

Pure genius! The reason it’s so genius is because, the way our brains were designed and how they’ve evolved, it’s very difficult for your brain to formulate AND simultaneously execute a plan. It’s much easier for the brain to formulate the plan and THEN execute. Right? It’s not happening at the same time, it’s first make plan then do. 

This is why every writing teacher you had during school made you create an outline of what you were writing about. Our brains glitch when we try to outline and write at the same time. It gets overwhelmed and doesn’t know what to do and it’s really hard to see the steps that need to be taken to do what you’re wanting to do.  

So, the bonus tip is, when you’re at the beginning of something and you’re feeling overwhelmed tell yourself, “All I have to do is make a plan. The plan doesn’t have to be perfect. And I don’t have to do the steps or start to execute, I’m just making the plan.”

Then, once you’ve made the plan your brain just has to follow the plan. Making any necessary adjustments along the way. That’s just two things that you have to do, make a plan, and follow the plan. 

Ok, so in summary- moving past overwhelm you want to 1) identify the thought or thoughts that are creating that feeling of overwhelm. 2) Come up with a list of go-to thoughts that combat or counter the overwhelm-producing thoughts. And then the bonus tip to start with a plan. Remind yourself you don’t have to do anything else, but first, plan. 

Ok, that is what I have for you this week, my beautiful friends. Have a great week and I will talk to you soon.