Welcome to IVF This, episode 99 The gift of constraint

This, this podcast and everything that has happened over the last two years has been nothing short of miraculous. So thank you. Thank you for being here, thank you for sharing, thank you!

Something I want to mention is that there is another Ask Emily anything call scheduled for Tuesday, December 13th, this episode will drop on the 12th, so it’s the next day. You don’t need to register for it and it’s completely complimentary. It’s an hour long call where you can join and either use the Q and A function to anonymously ask questions or you can raise your hand and I can bring you up to be coached live- either option is perfect. I leave the topics completely open but I tend to have a topic that I specifically cover if there aren’t any questions or you want to hear me talk in depth about something- so since we have spent the last few weeks, and again this episode, talking about perfectionism and how to overcome it, I will spend some time talking about that for anyone that just wants to join and see what comes up for them but truly, there is no topic that is off limits. 

Alright, let’s get into it!! So the title is the gift of constraint- which might seem odd but if you hang with me, I’m going to explain why constraint is a great thing. 

 The definition of constraint is to limit something. One of the many perfectionistic lies that we are sold from the  media, our peers, our own drunken a-hole that’s in our brains is that what we are doing is either wrong or not enough. And it can pretty much be ANYTHING that you’re referring to: work, your health, your relationships, your skin care regimen, and of course, any of your efforts to make and have babies. 

A few podcasts ago, I mentioned the book, It Starts with the Egg. I will reiterate that I do not have any beef with this book or with the author. BUUUUUUUT what some have turned that book into is like a manual for what HAS to be done in order to be successful. But it’s not just It Starts with the Egg- I’m gonna zoom out for just a second bc I want you to think of It Starts with the Egg as like a microcosm of how our society functions around these “how to” or “health improvement” books, articles, videos, recommendations, etc. 

Someone takes a situation or event and their process for improving that experience or changing their circumstance- weight loss is probably the most universal example of this- and then the authors or creators try to extrapolate their results and process for mass consumption. This type of marketing HEAVILY relies on perfectionism and black and white thinking in order to capitalize. I’m not suggesting that anyone is trying to manipulate you with their offer, I do believe most come with the pure intention of helping you, BUT the marketing strategy is manipulative. 

So, again, It’s Start with the Egg and remember, I’m only using this book as an EXAMPLE of the larger issue- how many of you have either heard of it, it’s recommendations, or have read it?

So if you’re not familiar with it, it’s a book that was written by a biotech patent attorney, names Rebecca Fett. Ms. Fett has degrees in molecular biotechnology and biochemistry. She is an extraordinarily intelligent and accomplished woman. She is also someone that experienced infertility and went through a few rounds of IVF. 

Her first round was not successful and she was told she had a very low probability of conceiving with her own eggs. So, she underwent this heavily researched experiment of adding supplements and many lifestyle changes to prepare for her second round of IVF, which was much more successful than the first. 

So this is common, right? In writing we call it the heroes journey. You’re struggling with something and then you share what it was that you did to help yourself get through that trial and explain how that can be helpful to others. I do the same thing- again, there is nothing wrong with it. 

What happened with Rebecca Fett’s work was that people took this personal experiment that she conducted, and made it mean that this was the ONLY way (or leaned into it heavily). Except, what the book was really about was her review of scientific research surrounding a lot of the big questions that we have in infertility which is how to improve sperm and/ or egg quality, and making her recommendations based off that research. I think she also did an update in like 2018 or 2019 based on newer research. 

So, you might be asking yourself, Emily what the hell does this have to do with constraint?

Such a great question, I’m glad you asked. 

Within that book there are at least 10 different supplements that are suggested- along with specific dosing and brand recommendations. There are dramatic overhauls in lifestyle like eliminating BPA, eliminating toxins- and she goes into a lot of detail about fragranced lotions, candles, all kind of things. This is a scientifically dense book. She also makes some suggestions for food and exercise, too.

Again, we are using this book as an example of a microcosm of perfectionism. So it’s important to understand how many people did and still do take these recommendations, and the authors IVF success, to mean that THIS or some very close variation of this, is the “right way” to do IVF. Last episode I talked about overwhelm and this is a perfect example of something that contribute to overwhelm. 

What if the dosage or brand is not available to you, where you live?

Maybe you’re previously had an adverse reaction to one or some of the supplements, not life threatening but maybe they make your stomach hurt?

Maybe its not financially feasible for you to throw out all of your Tupperware and replace them with glass products, or throw out your entire beauty regimen and replace that with all organic, non-fragranced options. 

Maybe you are working two jobs to help pay for your treatments so access and time to plan, find, prepare, and eat locally sourced, organic foods is not an option for you. 

Maybe your exercise routine consists of a 20 minute walk some days during a break from work, but because of your obligations, it’s hard to be consistent?

Maybe you are getting treatment for a mental health condition and you are anxious about that medication impacting or impeding pregnancy?

We could probably create a two hour episode based solely on those types of questions. 

This is where giving yourself the gift of constraint is just that- a gift. 

Perfectionism tells you that you have to do it ALL and do it perfectly. 

I can’t just do a 20 minute yoga video, I HAVE to do a 45 minute yoga video, 5-6x per week. 

I can’t eat instant white rice because there are chemicals in it. I have to get the rice from Whole Foods that has to be soaked for 5-7 days and only have an eating window of about 5 minutes once prepared because then it will dissolve into sand or something. 

I can’t find this one specific type of CoQ10 vitamin that everyone on the forums recommends so I’m going to stress myself out to have it shipped internationally at twice the price or not be able to purchase it and bully myself about it. 

This is the lie of perfectionism. It’s all or nothing. Black or white. But that is NOT the world we live in. The world we live in is messy and nuanced and very, very grey. 

When we try to live up to this perfectionistic fantasy, more often then not, we are left immobilized and imprisoned by our thoughts. We might make forward movement, but we’re probably going to be a jerk to ourselves about it. We tend to villainize and place moral value on things like exercise and, especially, food. 

So the gift of constraint is making decisions, based on your priority, in the most realistic manner possible. 

Maybe easily prepared food that ingredients include shelf-stable, cost effective items is the most realistic option for you because one of your priorities is preparing more of your meals at home? They don’t have to look like a food bloggers dinner, people! 

Maybe you and your dr talk about some supplement recommendations and you choose to focus on CoQ10 and a prenatal vitamin because that’s what you can afford, it is accessible to you, and you can remember to take them. 

Maybe taking 5 minutes to journal is something you choose to prioritize your mental health during this time?

Maybe you select ONE IVVF or infertility FB group to follow instead of getting conflicting information from 5 different groups?

Maybe you prioritize sleep over physical exercise because of your schedule?

All of those are examples of constraint. 

So here’s your exercise to practice this- and as always, this process includes a “no bullying” clause. If, while you’re doing this exercise, you find yourself bullying yourself, or talking smack, or telling yourself “it’s not enough.” I want you to put your pen or your phone, whatever you’re using for your notes, down. Cleaning up your thinking beforehand is just as important. 

Remind yourself that those thoughts are based in a perfectionistic mindset and are not attainable. We are shooting for “good enough.” 

The beauty of “good enough” is that YOU get to decide what is good enough. It’s subjective and personal so there will be 8 billion different ideas of what good enough is and you are the only one that can decide what that means for you. 

So, clean up your thinking. Next write down the goal you have- you can use this for ANYTHING but we’re gonna focus on an upcoming IVF cycle- an egg retrieval cycle. 

So, what’s your goal? Try to make it specific. I want 10 5 day embryos to freeze. I want 3 euploid embryo’s- that’s if you’re doing genetic testing. Get specific. Under the goal I want you to write. This is an outcome I cannot control. It’s VERY important when setting a goal to recognize where you do and do not have control. 

But under “this is an outcome I cannot control” you write: These are the things I am willing to do to help support that goal AND myself along the way.

WRITE THAT VERBATIM!

These are the things I am willing to do to support that goal AND myself along the way. 

Then set out your priorities. 

Maybe it’s replacing all of your plastic bc it’s something you have been saving for and you’re tired of having spaghetti stained Tupperware. Beautiful.

Maybe it’s focusing on working with a counselor or coach or something. 

Maybe it’s 30 minutes of walking a few days per week. Journaling. Certain foods you want to prioritize. 

There’s no wrong answer. You are the only one that gets to decide what YOUR priorities are for any given moment. 

Maybe all the other stuff is too much noise for you and you want to focus on making sure that you take your medications correctly and getting to all of your appointments. That’s perfect! 

The point is that there is no right or wrong way to do this stuff. But when you exercise constraint. When you focus on the things that will serve you and your goal, in the most realistic way possible, you are serving yourself in the most loving way. You are not setting yourself up for overwhelm you are exercising discernment and compassion. 

Now, the last part that we need to cover is the idea that you will regret NOT doing more. That you will judge yourself or beat yourself up for not doing this or for doing that. Here’s the thing: we typically do that retroactively. We get to the end of something and then we’re like, “well shit, I shouldn’t have done that or I should have done more of that.”

Hear me when I say this: There is ZERO upside to experiencing disappointment and then telling yourself a shitty story about how it’s your fault. Zero, zilch, nada. No upside. 

We do all of these things, we do all of these things bc we think if we do them, if we get to tell ourselves that we did everything that we could, then we can be kinder to ourselves. 

But who is measuring the “everything we could?” If it’s you and you’ve made a conscious decision to constrain and you like your reasons for what you’ve decided- then the regret will not linger. The questions of “what could I have done” will be answered, bc you deliberately made the decisions based on what was best for you. 

It’s when you are throwing spaghetti on the wall, and feeling completely out of control, and overwhelmed- that’s when you don’t have your own back. That’s when you’re going to beat yourself up. That’s when you will be an a-hole to yourself. Not the other way around. 

You get to choose. You get to decide. Regret isn’t something that is inevitable. It’s an emotion, created by your thinking. So if you are deliberately deciding- this is a priority of mine and this is what I am willing to do, based on that priority, to support myself and my goal- it’s gonna be a helluva a lot easier to manage your mind, regardless of the outcome. 

That is the gift of constraint. You are setting yourself to be your own ally, your own advocate, your own best friend, to have your own back. That is a beautiful gift and one that I wish for each and every one of you. 

Ok, that is what I have for you this week. Have a great day, and I will talk to you soon.